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| My God Can Beat the Shit Out of Your God For discussing any and all religious viewpoints. Intolerance will not be tolerated. Keeping your sense of humor is required. Posting messages about theological paradoxes is encouraged. |
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# 1

2007-04-09, 23:39
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Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
I know this may not be the best place for this, but i think this forum will get the most enjoyment out of it. I had to use a cached version of this from google because i guess the original doesnt exist anymore.
http://64.233.167.104/search?q=cache...lnk&cd=1&gl=us
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# 2

2007-04-10, 00:01
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
Some of those were funny, some were stupid, some were pretty familiar, because I've heard them in here before... But this one made me pretty sad:
#20
"...
Interestingly, and sadly, all we see on the internet and in society today is talk about domestic violence; but NEVER do we hear anything about statistics on wives who refuse to obey their husbands. It is evil. It is just as sinful for a wife to frustrate her husband through insubordination and disobedience as it is for a man to commit domestic violence. I am not lessening the sin of domestic violence, I am emphasizing the sin of wives who rebel against their husbands by not being obedient. I realize this is ancient mentality to feminists today; but it is 100% Biblical doctrine. A wife is expected by God to obey her husband. Feminists are eagerly willing to crucify abusive husbands; BUT they won't even address the issue of wives who disobey, mistreat, and frustrate their husbands. It takes two to tango.
Please understand that I believe a wife who is being physically abused should leave if she feels threatened; but not divorce. Such a wife needs to sincerely ask herself "why" her husband is being abusive--there's ALWAYS a reason. ..."
Complete ignorance, through and through. I have always been of the belief that NO ONE deserves to get beaten - but seriously - this woman needs some sense knocked into her.
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# 3

2007-04-10, 00:01
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
How about quotes from our own members?
" entropy disproves carbon dating beyond a shadow of a doubt."
Uttered by a regular of this board!
[+1 to the first person to guess correctly who!  ]
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# 4

2007-04-10, 00:03
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngryFemme
Complete ignorance, through and through. I have always been of the belief that NO ONE deserves to get beaten - but seriously - this woman needs some sense knocked into her.
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Oh dear..I see we are going to clash at some point.
__________________
ILo--
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# 5

2007-04-10, 00:08
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
GTFO! Someone here said that?!?!
Heh
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# 6

2007-04-10, 00:09
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
Quote:
Originally Posted by jackketch
Oh dear..I see we are going to clash at some point.
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Let's not, and say we did! (Clash, that is)
Will you elaborate? Now I'm curious.
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# 7

2007-04-10, 00:36
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Regular
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Canada
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
lol theres some good ones there.
"One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it. [emphasis added]"
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# 8

2007-04-10, 01:30
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From the mind of Benny Hinn (famous pastor, has his own show, "heals" people):
"God is shaking me."
"I saw Jesus walk into my bedroom."
"I'm a sample of Jesus. I'm a super being."
"Jesus is coming again within the next two years." (Said in 1997)
"Adam was a super being when God created him...Adam flew into space, with one thought he would be on the moon."
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# 9

2007-04-10, 01:48
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Regular
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Saint Petersburg, Florida
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
These people should die.
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# 10

2007-04-10, 02:42
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
I find no humor in any of this. To be honest, it scares the crap out of me. You do realize that these are the very people who's votes control our future, and the future of our children?
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#11
 2007-04-10, 02:53
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
^The man has a valid point. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
Some of the atrocities these people would be willing to commit in the name of their God are unthinkable.
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#12
 2007-04-10, 04:17
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
"One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it. [emphasis added]"
haha that's great.
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#13
 2007-04-10, 11:08
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Elephantitis Man 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
"I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!"
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#14
 2007-04-10, 20:16
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
"This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.
ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son."
I thought that was just fundies who did that?
I mean...we WOULD do it if all the hookers and drugs werent being used by christian pastors. :D
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#15
 2007-04-10, 20:54
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Drox 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
"Fundamentalist" atheist quote, taken from my Bible, ED:
"All editions of bible r 100 % forged. Jesus survived crucifixion and secretly fled to lost tribes of Jews in Kashmir (Kashmiris are lost 10 tribes of Jews and were moved from Palestine to Kashmir by force by King Nebuchadnezzar 741 BC). Jesus lived there and died at 120 yr age. His grave is in sri nagar. Faith of Christians is ONLY AND ONLY Fictions ---- No reality in this faith even 1%. These pork eaters are the most dumb people in mankind history; and finally they will realize that they r"
I bet there was a time all atheists sounded like that.
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#16
 2007-04-11, 14:56
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Regular
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the happy land of australia
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
I find no humor in any of this. To be honest, it scares the crap out of me.
this one is sad. the original post was this (edited for length):
"I sat him down and told him that I loved him and that God loved him, but that his salvation was in danger if he did not resist his unnatural tempations. I told him how being gay would mean he would live a shorter life, and that if he couldnt change his orientation he could be celibate like most the ex-gays are.
I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I've dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs). I wouldnt be surprised if he's the one who's feeding my son all the homosexual propaganda about how its 'ok' to be gay. "
four months later:
"My son killed himself!
I'm so distraught; I can't stop crying! What did I do wrong? Is my son in Hell now for killing himself??"
that is just completely fucked. this bitch of a woman failed in her duty to support and love her son unconditionally, and evidently this poor guy felt he had no other option. this is just bullshit.
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#17
 2007-04-11, 15:05
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
"I sat him down and told him that I loved him and that God loved him, but that his salvation was in danger if he did not resist his unnatural tempations. I told him how being gay would mean he would live a shorter life, and that if he couldnt change his orientation he could be celibate like most the ex-gays are.
I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I've dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs). I wouldnt be surprised if he's the one who's feeding my son all the homosexual propaganda about how its 'ok' to be gay. "
four months later:
"My son killed himself!
I'm so distraught; I can't stop crying! What did I do wrong? Is my son in Hell now for killing himself??"
...
I'm honestly speechless.
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#18
 2007-04-11, 15:09
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
OMG, look at this fucking reply: "How did you "not accept" your son? Don't buy into the hateful and totally erroneous propaganda coming from the gay activists who blame Christians for every problem in the gay community and every gay teen suicide. This is simply a fallacious argument designed to make parents of gay teens fearful of what a few gay teens do."
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#19
 2007-04-11, 15:43
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
That poor kid died unnecessarily because he loved his mother so much, he couldn't bear to see her struggle with his sexual orientation. He chose to kill himself rather than cause her embarrassment and shame.
If she could have just shown him the unconditional love and acceptance a mother has for a son, he might not have died.
:(
The mother might be alright with God in the alleged afterlife, but what she'll have to suffer through for the rest of this life through the misery and pain of knowing she assisted in her son's death ... is the punishment she well deserves.
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#20
 2007-04-11, 20:01
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
Im guessing that the "Most important of the teachings" being "love ty neighbour" is skipped over by pretty much all people of religion then eh?
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#21
 2007-04-11, 22:27
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
Quote:
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Originally Posted by truckfixr
I find no humor in any of this. To be honest, it scares the crap out of me. You do realize that these are the very people who's votes control our future, and the future of our children?
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Yeah it's horrific that people who think and believe the scary/ignorant things they do are able to exert so much power and control of our many things in our lives.
However, I can't help but find humor in the inescapable irony I see from their comments. They say that the bible is the best argument for atheism - those ignorant and disgusting people are the embodiment of that statement.
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#22
 2007-04-12, 00:22
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shitty wok 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
From Jesus-fan Pat Robertson
"Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
"We have insulted God with legal abortion and resrictions on religion in public places. Then we say 'why does this (9/11!) happen?' Well, why it's happening is that God Almighty is lifting his protection from us."
"The Supreme Court is bringing upon this nation the wrath of God by ruling in favor of abortion rights and gay rights."
"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."
"Many of those people involved with Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals--the two things seem to go together."
[/thread]
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#23
 2007-04-14, 23:57
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
I honestly never wish I read any of that. After reading a few quotes it went right downhill from funny to scary and sickening.
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#24
 2007-04-15, 01:12
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Regular
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The little land of Oz
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
After reading that, I don't know whether I should laugh or cry.
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#25
 2007-04-15, 03:06
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Pilsu 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
The mother might be alright with God in the alleged afterlife, but what she'll have to suffer through for the rest of this life through the misery and pain of knowing she assisted in her son's death ... is the punishment she well deserves.
She doesn't have the sense to realize she's responsible. She'll never really pay for what she has done. Her son lost everything because of the Bible
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#26
 2007-04-15, 06:11
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perfect chaos 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
I mean...we WOULD do it if all the hookers and drugs werent being used by christian pastors. :D
Not to mention all the little boys.
"[Replying to 'as for not seeing evolution it takes several million years... incase you missed that memo...']
several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years."
That scares me.
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#27
 2007-04-15, 08:03
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The Humble Noob 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
this woman needs some sense knocked into her.
I love the irony.
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#28
 2007-04-15, 18:55
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i poop in your cerial 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
This takes the cake.
"I don't care about logic or science, the Bible says the moon and sun move"
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#29
 2007-04-16, 07:35
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Blades of Hate 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
I read about that son and mother one a long time ago.
I remember feeling sick.. i still am.
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#30
 2007-04-16, 23:19
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Regulus 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.
Evolution: Very obvious, first of all we know that a "change in allele frequency" doesn't exist, and furthermore that humans cannot possible come from "Apelike" anscestors.
Global Warming: 30 years ago, evolutionists were saying "global cooling", they're just flip flopping again. They don't know what's going on with the climate. Reality is that it is quite stable, and has remained the same since the past 6000 years of its existance.
Plate Techonics: Continents do not move. The earth has only been in existance for roughly 6000 years, this is another one of the "package theories" that evolutionists try to have us believe. Its really simple. If you accept Evolution, then you must accept an old earth. If you accept an old earth, then you must accept an old universe. Before you know it, you're waste deep in nonsense without any empirical evidence to support any of it. You end up with this: (1)evolution-->(2)plate techtonics-->(3)big bang
Atomic Theory: We are simple unable to manipulate objects that are so small. Physics in of itself is a very sketchy field of "science", because its so uncertain of itself and always incapable of replicating their hypothesis or experimentation.
Heh... I love Jesus. He and his dad can really stir up some laughs when you need them.
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#31
 2007-04-17, 00:04
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chumpion 
Regular
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Re: Funny Fundamentalist Quotes
Heh... I love Jesus. He and his dad can really stir up some laughs when you need them.
You have to wonder if Jesus and his mates weren't just having a bit of fun. I mean, take a look at L Ron Hubbard and Scientology.
They could have staged the whole crucifiction thing, then stood back with a beer in their hands watching it all unfold.
I wonder if they know how much damage it would do to the world?
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