Some of you may know that about 5 years ago my husband and I were both arrested for conspiracy to commit arson. We were not guilty of these charges and we were eventually let go...After I spent 2 weeks in jail, my husband spent 6 MONTHS in jail awaiting trial, we lost all of our money and finally my husband was court martialed and aquitted. It was a terrible experience and it has unfortunately haunted us, despite the fact that my charges were dropped and my husband was actually aquitted at trial.

Anyway, my husband recently had to renew his commission...Which is really too bad because he hates being in the military. He can't get a job that is nearly as good in the civilian world, though and most importantly we need the medical insurance that the military provides. I see a shrink THREE times a week and with normal insurance it would cost over $1,000 a MONTH just for the co-pay.

My husband has grown very bitter about his arrest and confinement(perpetrated by the military) and the subsequent mistreatment he suffered after his aquittal. (a lot of people above him thought he was guilty) He's also REALLY sad about renewing his commission...And I don't know how to help him! I mean his bitterness is poisoning his outlook on every aspect of his life, but how can you stop someone from feeling that way? I just want him to be happy, but he's so depressed that he's not taking the steps necissary to ensure that he won't have to renew AGAIN in 4 years. Any ideas?

Well, I might as well get it over with and say what the idiots here are going to: Sex him up.

But seriously, I dunno, get him a hobby or something.

How the hell were you guys charged with that? That's crazy.

I'd like to know why the hell your man spent six months in prison before he was brought to trial. Did he do anything to receive compensation for his time in jail? Was it a civilian jail or military brig? Did he petition for a writ of habeus corpus after a certain amount of time?

This is why I tell every person that asks, fuck the military. All you are is a body, and they'll do everything they can to fuck you in the ass if it makes the command and branch look better.

I don't know anything about your finances, so I can't say whether or not he should resign, but if I were that bitter I sure as fuck wouldn't be there. I'd rather be a bum than serve VFA-131 again.

A few questions; how did you lose all your money from his confinement? Do you really need the shrink? Could/Did he do anything to be compensated for the lost time and money? Are you SURE he can't do anything in the civvy world? Is he still in the same command?

well I'm not an officer but since I'm still in the military and being fucked over (not as bad as him though) I know how much it sucks to stay in. well the best thing is for you to plan a vacation for the 2 of you. with all the shit I put up with all the time in the marines I sometimes want to take a break from it with my wife. thats what your husband needs a break from the military plan a 4 day cruise or something that wont be too expensive. it almost guranteed that he'll feel a lot better after. oh yeah for how many years is he renewing his comission?

what branch were you in? I'm still waiting for my contract to finish. ever since I joined I'ved been a victim of identity theft since my social security number was stolen and my pay got fucked up and collection agencies kept emptying my account over shit I didnt owe. oh yeah I'ved been treated like a criminal and being rejected from places. but besides that I still like the military cause it's a plus if you want to become a firefighter

Navy.

Why don't you see if you can get a new social security number?

Is your command helping you or acting like you're the problem? Transfer 80% of your pay into a different account than what goes into your standard military bank (like Armed Forces Bank) because they'll screw you in a second. Collection agencies shouldn't be able to touch your shit - I'm getting pissed that my bank thinks they can auto-bill me for shit I didn't authorize billed too.

Deep Breathing/Pranayama?

mattfurey.com

As a last resort/back-up plan? If one day...far in the future? If he finally snaps? Suit Sodomy! Yet...not anyone who he feels personal about? It's best to keep personal feelings out of it.

There are just so many, ever so many, Big Hats that need, nay, are begging for the Serious Reaming.

The Liars. The Cheats. The Paid Off! We won't even bring up the unsubstantiated rumours of Wash.DC Child Sex Rings?

But? His & your personal well-being are more important. He mostly works sitting down doesn't he? Is he walking up & down stairs & around the block enough?

I know I've been walking/running some of enough if when I'm done my hands feel hot & full. If I wonder why it's so hot in the house & the therm says that it's 68*. Just imagine 68* & too hot!

If I've not been active enough?

If I've been sitting around & feel cold? "Why is it soooo cold in here?" If when I look at the therm & it says 75*? Then I know I've been too inactive.

What about nutrients? Enough B-12? Pro-biotics? Curcumin? Folic Acid? Rhodiola? Resveratol? Om-3s?

Or whatever youse all might be lacking? Still 3 more years of Service eh? We won't even bring up the possible bad economy that's coming... Why borrow trouble?

Who knows...towards the end of his tour (some tourist, eh?) perhaps he can check out Alberta/Ft. McMurray? Serious cash & Medicare (won't bring up waiting times...:p) for the skilled. They say that they're going to be short a 100,000 people in the next decade?

Leave the SSod for the Truly Dedicated Lords of Vengance. :)

As if anyone knows the future! :p

now that your daughter is at school, could you get a job to help cover medical expenses so he could leave the military?
idk what it's like in america, but here, there are always lots of jobs for day time supervisors/cooks/cleaners in schools, homes, caferterias and all sorts of food places. the hours are always between 10-3, sometimes just 12-2. as your daughter gets older, perhaps you could spare a few hours each day?
she could help do chores, as could your husband without stress of the military.


unrelated, but when you left home, how far away from home did you move? i'll still be within quite a local distance... mile from my aunt, 50 yards from mine & her work, on my mum's route to asda...

I already switched the bank. instead of my command helping they tried to punish me over it. it was also their fault my identity got stolen and lately they'ved been fucking up my pay.

If you've already done 8 years you might as well finish up your 20 years for retirement. My dad stuck through the 20 years became a top noncom and the pension is helping him retire a few years earlier from his second career.

Just stick with it and try not to let your own personal feelings get in the way of providing for your family.

It cost's you $1,000 a month to fantasize about your shrink? You should be humping him seven ways Sunday for that kinda cash.

It doesn't cost anything right now, because military medical insurance covers the treatment. Other medical insurance wouldn't do that.

I like USAA as a bank, as for your husband if he was held for 6 months you eather lying or he got fucked out of some of his rights.

And admin blows in any service thats why i keep 3-4 copies of everything.

It's pretty standard to spend 6 months to a year awaiting trial and if you're denied bail, you spend that time in jail. He was in a civilian county jail...And he wasn't allowed to see me or talk to me at all during that time.:(

And he can't "be a bum" because he has a family to support. The military offered him $48,000 to renew his commission...And he makes almost $5,300 per month PLUS full medical benefits. He renewed his contract for 4 years and after that we might move up to Canada. We'll have between $80,000 and $100,000 saved by then, so we'll have some more choices.

And no, the military didn't compensate him in the LEAST for their malicious prosecution of him. After MUCH hassle, he was given back pay and back leave for the time he was imprisoned, but as far as anything else...They didn't lift a finger to help us. We had lost all of our money, because the military stopped paying him and kicked me out of housing and I had to spend all of our savings just LIVING, because for the first month after I got out of jail, the state of California wouldn't let me take my daughter out of the state. They had put her in foster care when we were arrested and they had to do all kinds of background checks before I could have her back/remove her from the state. It was horrible...She was only 8 months old and I didn't see her for over 2 weeks. I didn't even know if she was okay, because I didn't know where she was being kept. My husband didn't see her for over 6 months and when he finally was able to come back to us...She had forgotten him and screamed if he came near her. She had been so traumatized that she developed extreme stranger anxiety. I had to hold her all of the time...She even had to sleep with me until she was like 3 years old.

And I can't stop seeing my shrink. He is the only person besides my husband and my lawyer that I have ever felt like I could confide in.

And no he's not still in the same command. It happened over 5 years ago and since then he's gone from enlisted to officer and moved a couple of times.

My daughter's not in school anymore...I had to take her out because she was just so unhappy and she kept getting sick. I homeschool her now and I'm hoping that she'll want to go back next year, but so far she doesn't want to be away from me.

Heh, when I left home I moved from Florida to California...A distance of about 3500 miles.

And I can't stop seeing my shrink. He is the only person besides my husband and my lawyer that I have ever felt like I could confide in.

Get fucked. You're sexually attracted to him and have fantasies about him. It has fuck all to do with the real reasons some one should go to a shrink. Stop being a selfish bitch and think about your family.

$1000 a month to see some cocksucker who you want to bone. Get over your attraction to him, become a proper wife and drop the shrink till you can afford it. Can you live with out your shrink? Yes. Can your family live with out food, electricity, water and gas?

My daughter's not in school anymore...I had to take her out because she was just so unhappy and she kept getting sick. I homeschool her now and I'm hoping that she'll want to go back next year, but so far she doesn't want to be away from me.

Heh, when I left home I moved from Florida to California...A distance of about 3500 miles.

don't they even have part-time schooling or play groups for home schooled kids?
freakin' americaaa

Get fucked. You're sexually attracted to him and have fantasies about him. It has fuck all to do with the real reasons some one should go to a shrink. Stop being a selfish bitch and think about your family.

$1000 a month to see some cocksucker who you want to bone. Get over your attraction to him, become a proper wife and drop the shrink till you can afford it. Can you live with out your shrink? Yes. Can your family live with out food, electricity, water and gas?
Dear, I think perhaps you should read my posts more carefully. I said that it WOULD cost $1,000 if my husband WASN'T in the military, but that I CURRENTLY see him with no CO-PAY. And if you're confused about what a co-pay is, it is what my obligation would be after insurance paid their part.

And I know this might be hard for you to comprehend, but I see my shrink for reasons other than those I post about on totse. My attraction for him is...Not the reason I see him so often. And a "proper wife" can entertain fantasies all she wants. I would never actually DO anything about it...Are you really so immature that you can't see that? Are you really so simpleminded that you don't understand that a persons relationship with their shrink is complicated?

Also, he does happen to be extremely attractive and since I am a hot blooded woman, I was bound to notice.:P

don't they even have part-time schooling or play groups for home schooled kids?
freakin' americaaa

I agree with you there.

If he's that unhappy, why doesent he just get a civillian job?


And if he cant get one that pays enough to make sure you live how you want to, perhaps..um, you could get a job too?

I'd have thought having to suffer such a thing as go to work each day would be worth it if your husband became less unhappy?
I dont mean that in a bitchy way.


Perhaps you could cut down on the shrink visits? Or are they doing you good?

It will sound old fashioned, but working hard generally cures any need to see a shrink because you'll be too goddamn knackered at the end of the day to worry about your mental stability.

Give him some EAS and maybe think about fulfilling his other fantasies (maybe some of the ones he doesn't even know he has yet?).

It is amazing how much bitter shite a man can swallow if he knows he's going home to fantastic sex and good food.

Why were you and your husband arrested for arson anyway? Whats the back story there?

It's pretty standard to spend 6 months to a year awaiting trial and if you're denied bail, you spend that time in jail. He was in a civilian county jail...And he wasn't allowed to see me or talk to me at all during that time.:(

And he can't "be a bum" because he has a family to support.

And no, the military didn't compensate him in the LEAST for their malicious prosecution of him. After MUCH hassle, he was given back pay and back leave for the time he was imprisoned, but as far as anything else...They didn't lift a finger to help us. We had lost all of our money, because the military stopped paying him and kicked me out of housing and I had to spend all of our savings just LIVING, because for the first month after I got out of jail, the state of California wouldn't let me take my daughter out of the state.

And I can't stop seeing my shrink. He is the only person besides my husband and my lawyer that I have ever felt like I could confide in.

And no he's not still in the same command. It happened over 5 years ago and since then he's gone from enlisted to officer and moved a couple of times.

Well, my memory is fading about military regulations and such, but I think they fucked you guys. Six months to a year isn't, or should not be, a standard wait for a trial.

Was he denied bail? Regardless, his command should have worked with the local authorities to get him out quickly, even if they thought he was guilty. It doesn't make sense to me that he wasn't brought to trial through civilian courts since he spent six months in civilian jail.

Same thing with the housing. Why did they kick you out? He still had a contract to serve when he was released, and being that he had a family I'm pretty sure they can't kick you out on the street. But I never lived in base housing so don't quote me on that.

I think you guys got raped by the USAF. From this point on, I'd stop all useless spending and do everything you guys can to find work outside the military. That notion the military likes to drill into people that you can't find a decent income outside is bullshit. How are all the other people in the country making it then? If he's anything like me, the only way to cheer him up is to get him away from the military forever.

He's already signed the contract for the next four years, so he's not getting out anytime soon.

And I DO work, I just don't get paid for it. Anyway, my husband doesn't want me to have a job outside of the home...He wants me to be able to be with our daughter and to not have the stress of working AND keeping house. I think he also doesn't want to give up coming home to a clean house and a hot meal every day!:P

What would he like to do instead of reenlisting or retiring from the military? What would be his dream job?

Therein lies the problem...He has no idea what he'd do.

I was under the impression that an officer's commission was a voluntary thing...

... like re-enlistment.

If he's getting special treatment such as bonuses and the like, I can understand why they would make him renew his commission, but as far as I knew, commissioning is voluntary.

I would ask him about that and check for signs of lying.

Well, my memory is fading about military regulations and such, but I think they fucked you guys. Six months to a year isn't, or should not be, a standard wait for a trial.

Was he denied bail? Regardless, his command should have worked with the local authorities to get him out quickly, even if they thought he was guilty. It doesn't make sense to me that he wasn't brought to trial through civilian courts since he spent six months in civilian jail.

Same thing with the housing. Why did they kick you out? He still had a contract to serve when he was released, and being that he had a family I'm pretty sure they can't kick you out on the street. But I never lived in base housing so don't quote me on that.

I think you guys got raped by the USAF. From this point on, I'd stop all useless spending and do everything you guys can to find work outside the military. That notion the military likes to drill into people that you can't find a decent income outside is bullshit. How are all the other people in the country making it then? If he's anything like me, the only way to cheer him up is to get him away from the military forever.

Believe me, we KNOW they fucked us. Hence my husband's bitterness and anger.

His commander was the one who denied him bail...Even after my charges were dropped. One reason why it took so long for him to go to trial, was because his trial date kept getting changed. Like he was originally supposed to go to trial in June, then July and then it was finally held in September after much pushing by my husband's lawyer.

They didn't OFFICIALLY kick me out of housing, but my husband's asshole first seargent at the time informed me that if I set foot on the base, I would be arrested again. I now know that he was talking out of his ass, but at the time I believed him and lived in terror of going back to jail and losing my daughter again.

I say again, we KNOW they fucked us...There was just nothing we could do about it.:(

He wasn't forced to renew his contract.

I'm not talking practical necessarily....I'm talking about something he might love to do....regardless of pay.

I don't know...He has no hobbies or anything besides playing video games.

....?

He wasn't forced to renew his contract.

Well... then he shouldn't renew his commission.

I didn't join the military for the money. Your husband's commission will look damn good on a resume, and he will make tons of money in the real world. I made *literally ten times what I make now* before I joined.

You've got to find a way to get him confident in his professional abilities. Get him excited about his career ambitions, even if they are only twinkles of imagination of what he MIGHT do.

....?

I don't really want to go into the details on here...I tell you what: The statute of limitations on MY case expires on June 13. I will tell the story then, if you want.

And he has already renewed the commission.

As for making more money in the civilian world...He really wouldn't. He gets all kinds of extra pay for being an intelligence officer. He's looked into other jobs in his field and he would go from grossing around $70,000 per year (much of it non-taxable income) to grossing around $40,000.

I don't really want to go into the details on here...I tell you what: The statute of limitations on MY case expires on June 13. I will tell the story then, if you want.
Okay.

I like USAA as a bank, as for your husband if he was held for 6 months you eather lying or he got fucked out of some of his rights.

And admin blows in any service thats why i keep 3-4 copies of everything.

yeah I got USAA too and admin does suck.

I don't really want to go into the details on here...I tell you what: The statute of limitations on MY case expires on June 13. I will tell the story then, if you want.

I promise you, we want. If you haven't noticed, we're a very nosy bunch here.


Perhaps your husband should consider therapy as well, if this bitterness is affecting him so much. Just to cope with it, as it sounds like eliminating it is neither possible nor proper.

Well where do AF guys with his skills go after? With his security clearance & language skills aren't here slots in anywhere from the NSA to defence contractors at oodles more $?

Or is he tired of said area of stuff? Heck? If he likes it (?) couldn't he get seconded to the NSA or State Dept? Or is the AF short on his skills & want to keep them to the last sec? I think...I think he prob thinks that's a silly suggestion. He's prob looking forward to working somewhere with a ID tag & no special clearance. Maybe he only wants to deal with the Gov at tax time & when voting.

"Forgot your ID? Well...just remember to wear it tomorrow, 'k?" :P

Does he need years of the schoolszors to get a slot as a professor? Better money working for an oil co. or such.

NSA has MUCH higher language standards than the military, so his scores wouldn't be high enough. Also, you're right in saying that he hates his job and just wants to do something completely different.

I guess this is just something he'll have to work out on his own.

I promise you, we want. If you haven't noticed, we're a very nosy bunch here.


Perhaps your husband should consider therapy as well, if this bitterness is affecting him so much. Just to cope with it, as it sounds like eliminating it is neither possible nor proper.

He doesn't think there's a problem.

Any chance of convincing him that it would make you feel better about the situation if he just tried it? In my experience, people are more willing to do something uncomfortable for the ones they love than for themselves.

My husband thinks only weak people seek therapy if they don't have an actual mental illness. I've tried to get him to see my shrink with me, but he just spends the whole time glaring at him and not talking. My shrink tells me that a lot of people are suspicious of psychologists and that a lot of spouses are threatened by him.

And before anyone says anything, I have not ever told my husband that I think my shrink is hot.

He has no friends in the unit. The closest friends i have is my fire team. As for the commission it is a voluntary situation as long as he fulfilled his initial obligation. He could resign his commission i believe if he returns anything he received for renewing it.

So let me get this straight he has a military commission i don't know his rank but he probably is at least a capt. Probably a major. Top Secret Security clearance. He could work for the IRS, CIA, military consultant, defense contractor.

If they hate you that much ask for a transfer to another unit. Something fucked up must have happen because i never knew anyone hated by an entire unit. The only person i know like that is a Cpl. But thats because he is a fucking idiot, and he sucks at his job.

And before anyone says anything, I have not ever told my husband that I think my shrink is hot.

No one ever accused you of being stupid.

My husband isn't hated...He's in fact well liked by his coworkers.

He just hates his job.

We all hate our job, where in the military where supposed to bitch and moan about it. Its the friends that you make that makes the experience makes it better. That and shit civizes never do. Where else am i going to fast rope out of helo's and blow stuff up with C4.

Wow. I feel you.

Well if it wasn't for the whole court martial fiasco, I think he'd actually be pretty content. I mean he has a GOOD job in this bad economy, which is nothing to sneeze at...We have enough money that we can live without scrimping and still save $1,000 per month. He never has to worry about our child getting sick and not being able to pay for her treatment. AND our insurance allows me to get the therapy I need at no cost to us...I mean last summer I had to stay in the hospital for almost a month and we didn't have to pay a dime.

I probably should've explained better: He needs help getting past the court martial. THAT'S why his life is poisoned...I think he would hate ANY job until he comes to terms with his anger about what happened. It's been hard on me, too, but I go to therapy 3 times per week.:P