totse.com | Atomic

a.p.e.x · #1 2007-04-06, 14:03

All and everywhere in anything and everything
the lover's voice i've longed to hear can be heard to sing
in the drifting melodies of light wafting gaily on the breeze
and in the empty hearts of men trudged up to their knees
as they give their all and everything fighting through the wind
the lover's voice I've longed to hear, the boom and then the ring.

the saddle's dry and cracked, the horse is skin and bone
and here I hear my lover sing, to me and I alone
the drifting melodies have passed, alas there is no sound
no heart of man to sacrifice, no pathways to be found
no clarion is trumpeted upon this sordid earth
since we spent all energies on filling up the herse
only my dear love's voice is there, forever singing clear,
in wistful booming voice to me; the ringing in my ears.

King_Cotton · #2 2007-04-06, 14:23

Well written.

I'd sympathize, but I'm free from the tyrannies of a doomed relationship.

I'd elaborate, but I'm still laughing over how things went down.

a.p.e.x · #3 2007-04-06, 15:56

Congrats on the break up.

The poem ain't about any loving relationship I have, or have had for that matter it's supposed to be from the viewpoint of a deity who has been looking down on earth and seen man devote his life to becoming closer to the deity. The culmination of the devotion being the greatest destrucive power of an atomic weapon, leaving the deity with his(not to give sex to any deity presented, just for ease of communication) lover's song ringing in his ears.

King_Cotton · #4 2007-04-06, 16:13

Ah, woeful is my misunderstanding then.

That makes it all the better. Much deeper and stronger than I had anticipated.

I'm not sure why, but it reminds me of this quote.

"How happy are the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Each prayer accepted and each wish resigned." A. Pope

Sorry for the non-sequitur.

a.p.e.x · #5 2007-04-06, 17:12

Non-sequiturs make the world go round

bangbangsilverhammer · #6 2007-04-06, 17:12

Beautiful.

in the empty hearts of men trudged up to their knees

I love this line. A lot. I keep reading it over and over and want to apply it to something deep and meaningful in my life.

a.p.e.x · #7 2007-04-06, 17:41

Thank you, I revised it for readability and a middle clarifying bit.

All and everywhere in anything and everything,
The lover's voice I've longed to hear can be heard to sing.
In the drifting melodies of light, wafting gaily on the breeze
And in the empty hearts of men, trudged up to their knees
As they give their all and everything fighting through the wind,
The lover's voice I've longed to hear, the boom and then the ring.

The prostrate minds of men at war,
Goring through the land,
Ignore the deeds which go undone
By their ignoble hands.

The saddle's dry and cracked, the horse is skin and bone
And here I hear my lover sing, to me and I alone.
The drifting melodies have passed, alas there is no sound,
No heart of man to sacrifice, no pathways to be found,
No clarion is trumpeted upon this sordid earth;
Since we spent all energies on filling up the herse.
Only my dear love's voice is there, forever singing clear,
In wistful booming voice to me; the ringing in my ears.

Quote:

Since we spent all energies on filling up the herse.

I'm not sure about this it just seems a bit vulgar, any suggestions?

King_Cotton · #8 2007-04-07, 14:55

The word "hearse" is weird. There's a better way for that line, but I'm at a loss.

The added stanza presents the theme in a much more direct manner (as that was the intention, I'm sure). I preferred the original poem because it left more up to the reader.

CatharticWeek · #9 2007-04-08, 01:02

Most enjoyable. I tip my hat to you, sir!

ªÞe× · #10 2007-04-08, 14:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by a.p.e.x View Post

Thank you, I revised it for readability and a middle clarifying bit.

All and everywhere in anything and everything,
The lover's voice I've longed to hear can be heard to sing.
In the drifting melodies of light, wafting gaily on the breeze
And in the empty hearts of men, trudged up to their knees
As they give their all and everything fighting through the wind,
The lover's voice I've longed to hear, the boom and then the ring.

The saddle's dry and cracked, the horse is skin and bone
And here I hear my lover sing, to me and I alone.
The drifting melodies have passed, alas there is no sound,
No heart of man to sacrifice, no pathways to be found,
No clarion is trumpeted upon this sordid earth;
Since we spent all values on lives beyond their worth.
Only my dear love's voice is there, forever singing clear,
In wistful booming voice to me; the ringing in my ears.

Centrepiece removed and "hearse" line changed.