First of all let me clarify, I am not here to gain your respect of virtue. I'm not a pillar of chastity, virtue, morals, or values and I'm not trying to be. However, I do happen to know a lot about sex. And this isn't because I always make the right choices. I make a lot of bad choices. It's the way I am. I make mistakes, sometimes I learn from them, sometimes I don't. I screw up a lot and I apologize, but in all this time I've learned a lot of tricks that I can pass on to you, my chaste little virtuous pictorals of unending judgement.

With that, I continue: O the mines in the field of relationship. There seems to be one at every step. My trick is to always date men who are far too old for me because it garauntees the relationship will eventually have to come to an end. However, that didn't work with my latest relationship. So, a year later I find myself with the same man.

I started out the other woman and since we've been official we've broken up and gotten back together twice. Each breakup lasted about two weeks. I can't seem to shake this one nor the cheap feeling of our relationship and the bad taste it leaves in my mouth. We're dating on unholy ground, you know.

I even cheated on him, which I'd never done before. Not that I slept with anyone but before we officially were back together I made out with a very attractive guy at a speakeasy in front of all of our friends and my boyfriend was humiliated and cried. Now he's in uber boyfriend mode, which is nice because even when he's in uber boyfriend mode everything still feels very casual. May be that's why it's lasted so long. May be that's why - a year later - I still feel like the other woman.

Will this feeling ever pass? I don't know. I imagine our relationship will pass long before the feeling, though.

When I came home from classes today my sister told me Danny showed up randomly at the door. Danny? Danny was 21 when I was 11 and came up to me on my front steps. He had a cockney accent and told me one day he would marry me. I believed him, of course, considering when you're 11 and live in the projects and an attractive older man with a british accent tells you he's going to marry you, you fucking believe him. Three years later we became a couple.

For three years he was a devoted and gentlemanly boyfriend. Never tried to fuck me and never did. I left him a virgin. By the time I was 16 he'd bought me a ring and we had already sent out the wedding invitations. I was being fitted for my gown when he told me the girl he'd gotten pregnant during one of our seperations was keeping the baby. The wedding was off. I didn't see him again for seven years.

During those seven years I met another man and married him, and later got divorced. One day Danny called me up while I was in the supermarket. I fainted to hear his voice. It was like hearing a ghost. I hit my head on the linoleum and was taken to the emergency room in an ambulance. I have three stitches. Hair still wont grow there.

A few weeks later he came by my house and I was so nervous I got piss drunk. He'd gained weight and had had another baby. We later talked on the phone and he told me I was the one who got away, how he only ever loved me, and how it killed him how everything turned out. He told me he was having marital problems and wanted to know if he could take me out for lunch. I told him absolutely not.

I didn't hear from him for another two years. Until today when my sister said he'd dropped by.

Why had he dropped by when he could have called? My number hasn't changed. Why is he dropping by? What is this all about? O the mounting confusion. Now the question is, what will I do about it?

Cheers,

Lost

You need to move out of the city. You need a bible, and a bicycle. Perhaps a harmonica and a long country road.

He dropped by instead of calling because he is trying to cling to a hope. After you cleary said you wouldn't go to lunch with him two years ago he is scared of calling you directly.

He knows you won't have an affair with him and he doesn't really want you to. But you were the love of his life and the one thing that keeps him going throught the grey reality of shitty diapers, shitty job and a wife he doesn't love, is the dream and i stress dream , that one day....

[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 03-15-2007).]

High Voltage!... ...when we touch, when we kiss!

He definitely came by to see you in person because he knew there would be less of a chance you blowing him off. It is easy to blow someone else off the phone and he knows this.

Okay, now for his deep seated motives. I don't know this man so everything I say is speculation and supposition.

Does he really miss you? Probably. Is he telling the truth that you are the one who got away? Probably. That doesn’t mean you would not be miserable if you were married to him.

But your question is what are you going to do about it?

It sounds to me as if in your heart you really want to see Danny, so see him! Hear him out. Now he may just be full of shit; but, you can still hear him out. If I am interpreting you correctly both men are married.

I think you have to evaluate the direction you want to take your life. Now, by no means am I being judgmental, but are you seeing married men because you know subconsciously they are actually unavailable? Hey, I don’t know you; just think long and hard about that one!

My advice would be to see Danny and talk things out. Just don't fall for any bullshit. You just need to take a FIRM stance and tell him, "I'll date you after you are divorced". If he is serious, you will be dating him in the future. If he is blowing smoke up ur ass, he'll just continue to call you every time he is unhappy in his marriage. Right now I would suspect you are his safety net, his fall back person.

So where do YOU want to go? Continue on with married (unavailable) men, or find someone who you can start out with fresh and a new beginning without all the baggage? My suggestion is not to look at the men, but, look at the direction you want to steer the remainder of your life.

My life is all fucked up. I give great advice; I just never listen to myself! My friends tell me I should be looking at myself rather than looking at all of my failed relationships, which by the way have been with several married women.