So like, get this. The other day(night), I was totally not sleeping for a week, just partying and gettin' it on 'n' shit. I happened to be talking to some dude on the cellphone while driving, about how bad drunken driving is, especially if you're on the phone. Little did I know I was wasted so hard, I felt like I had sox in my ass. That is a metaphor for when your blood contains over 3,8 permille of alcohol or so I've heard. Some wise bearded dude told me this once. I dimmed my lights just in case there were any cops around. That way, they wouldn't see me coming. I somehow managed to get home, only to find out it wasn't my home, so I had to drive for another 20 miles. I got really pissed, so I pissed all over this dirty old Ford Escort. Piece of shit car.

Anyway, I actually got to my own home and just skipped the whole undressing, showering, eating and the rest of the nonsense common people do, and just went straight for the sack. I remember falling asleep whilst holding my balls. It was rather chilly and my hands were cold, so the only place I could put them was under my nuts. The strange thing was, my nuts didn't feel like they were really mine, but whatever. I wasn't going to argue with them nuts at that time.

A few hours later, day broke and I woke up with the hugest, most humongous morning boner ever recorded in history of sleeping. So I grabbed it with both hands like a fire hose, and fell asleep again. Shit didn't go black as usual, and my mind didn't just switch off. There was light everywhere and from the misty fog, this silhouette that look like a really hot chick started to appear. She looked at me as I was just lying there in a bunch of foggy clouds. She briefly looked at my killer boner and smiled at me. I was dumbstruck. The only thing I could think of was: "OMG, did I die in Jihad? Shouldn't there be more of you?!" She didn't say anything, and went straight for the meat. I pushed her back and told her we should cuddle first, so we had the sweetest foreplay recorded in the history of the word "fore". Then her legs began to shine, and so did mine, and they kinda like melted into each other. I didn't have to do anything, like thrust or pork. I thought I was dead and the earthy appetites were just simplified a bit. Like, having sex without actually doing shit. When we came, a million tulips exploded from her belly, and I was like: OMG FLASHBACK!? Everything faded to white and I was feeling really warm. Then her face appeared again, and I asked her if she was an angel. She nodded as she smiled and wiped the goo off her face.

The next thing I remember is fondling what felt like my chest, but I had no recollection of ever having any boobs. I opened my eyes and found myself in a tangle of long brown hair. I didn't remember a chick coming home with me?! She woke up as I was making all kinds of WTF noises, and grabbed my nuts. She turned around and tried to kiss me, but I pushed her away, jumped up from the bed and just yelled: SIN!!!!!!

I rushed to the bathroom to shower the sin off of me. I then realized that this wasn't just any dream. I was visited by an Angel from His Holy Garden. She didn't say anything, but the message was very clear to me. She plugged me into herself and just streamed the knowledge of the universe out of herself. This also explained the purpose of squirting.

I got dressed and sat in front of my desk. I didn't go to work, nor did I call in. I had far more important things to do. I had to write all my knowledge down, so the Word of the Holy God could be spread to all those people waking up with fire hoses between their sweaty hand-palms. The bliss of my Divine Task made my hangover go away instantly. I then new for sure that I was on a Holy path God had intended for me. I began with the writing of Genesis. I don't know what Genesis means, but it does rhyme with Nemesis, which I remember from Resident Evil Nemesis, which was about zombies and shit. So then I wrote a whole lot about how zombies are an abomination in the face of God. I soon passed out from all the bliss and got East Indian black ink all over my drunk face, which sucked when I went to work the day after. I'm still in the process of writing His Holy book which He passed down to my by his most gorgeous Agent. I've already got several people to follow me. They're all wankers, but I hope to soon find some really followers, and Totse will be my first stop. I also applied for a name change. I was watching the extra long version of Lord of The Rings the other day, and I noticed how Blilbo also wrote a lot, but if I changed my name to Bilbo, it would be plagiarizing. So after thinking about it hard and long, I applied for "Dildo Baggins". It sounds still the same and no one will know the difference.

All in all, I welcome new brothers and sisters. For now I can only advise you to repent your sins. Repent them through your genitals. It's the only way to get them out, because repenting sins feels so damn good, as does fondling your genitals. Also fondle the genitals of others, because a good servant of the Lord, is a servant who helps other repent their sins. Only it's forbidden to repent the sins of people who have the same genitals as yours. I haven't figured yet out why, but I'm sure the Lord will guide me. In the mean time, I have sins to repent.

Rofl

The Bilbo > Dildo joke is OLD.

Just post this in half baked.

No Shit?

It's like mods are too afraid to close Snoopy's threads or something...

too long

she stole your wallet

quote:"OMG, did I die in Jihad? Shouldn't there be more of you?!"

HAHAHAA!

Awesome.

Hahaha.

It seems having lots of sins to repent would be good then.

quote:Originally posted by Fanglekai:

she stole your wallet

she?

quote:Originally posted by Aeon:

Hahaha.

It seems having lots of sins to repent would be good then.

You see, sinning feels good, but then again, so does repenting sins. What I have done, is combine the two. Sin and repent at the SAME TIME.

I'm a genius.

Here's to sin.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

really funny ,repent and sin at the same time,

Meh not for me

This is better than the real bible...I'm all for it!

REWRITE THE TESTAMENT!!!!

I will join you, brother Dildo Baggins.

quote:Originally posted by Snoopy:

So like, get this. The other day(night), I was totally not sleeping for a week, just partying and gettin' it on 'n' shit. I happened to be talking to some dude on the cellphone while driving, about how bad drunken driving is, especially if you're on the phone. Little did I know I was wasted so hard, I felt like I had sox in my ass. That is a metaphor for when your blood contains over 3,8 permille of alcohol or so I've heard. Some wise bearded dude told me this once. I dimmed my lights just in case there were any cops around. That way, they wouldn't see me coming. I somehow managed to get home, only to find out it wasn't my home, so I had to drive for another 20 miles. I got really pissed, so I pissed all over this dirty old Ford Escort. Piece of shit car.

Anyway, I actually got to my own home and just skipped the whole undressing, showering, eating and the rest of the nonsense common people do, and just went straight for the sack. I remember falling asleep whilst holding my balls. It was rather chilly and my hands were cold, so the only place I could put them was under my nuts. The strange thing was, my nuts didn't feel like they were really mine, but whatever. I wasn't going to argue with them nuts at that time.

A few hours later, day broke and I woke up with the hugest, most humongous morning boner ever recorded in history of sleeping. So I grabbed it with both hands like a fire hose, and fell asleep again. Shit didn't go black as usual, and my mind didn't just switch off. There was light everywhere and from the misty fog, this silhouette that look like a really hot chick started to appear. She looked at me as I was just lying there in a bunch of foggy clouds. She briefly looked at my killer boner and smiled at me. I was dumbstruck. The only thing I could think of was: "OMG, did I die in Jihad? Shouldn't there be more of you?!" She didn't say anything, and went straight for the meat. I pushed her back and told her we should cuddle first, so we had the sweetest foreplay recorded in the history of the word "fore". Then her legs began to shine, and so did mine, and they kinda like melted into each other. I didn't have to do anything, like thrust or pork. I thought I was dead and the earthy appetites were just simplified a bit. Like, having sex without actually doing shit. When we came, a million tulips exploded from her belly, and I was like: OMG FLASHBACK!? Everything faded to white and I was feeling really warm. Then her face appeared again, and I asked her if she was an angel. She nodded as she smiled and wiped the goo off her face.

The next thing I remember is fondling what felt like my chest, but I had no recollection of ever having any boobs. I opened my eyes and found myself in a tangle of long brown hair. I didn't remember a chick coming home with me?! She woke up as I was making all kinds of WTF noises, and grabbed my nuts. She turned around and tried to kiss me, but I pushed her away, jumped up from the bed and just yelled: SIN!!!!!!

I rushed to the bathroom to shower the sin off of me. I then realized that this wasn't just any dream. I was visited by an Angel from His Holy Garden. She didn't say anything, but the message was very clear to me. She plugged me into herself and just streamed the knowledge of the universe out of herself. This also explained the purpose of squirting.

I got dressed and sat in front of my desk. I didn't go to work, nor did I call in. I had far more important things to do. I had to write all my knowledge down, so the Word of the Holy God could be spread to all those people waking up with fire hoses between their sweaty hand-palms. The bliss of my Divine Task made my hangover go away instantly. I then new for sure that I was on a Holy path God had intended for me. I began with the writing of Genesis. I don't know what Genesis means, but it does rhyme with Nemesis, which I remember from Resident Evil Nemesis, which was about zombies and shit. So then I wrote a whole lot about how zombies are an abomination in the face of God. I soon passed out from all the bliss and got East Indian black ink all over my drunk face, which sucked when I went to work the day after. I'm still in the process of writing His Holy book which He passed down to my by his most gorgeous Agent. I've already got several people to follow me. They're all wankers, but I hope to soon find some really followers, and Totse will be my first stop. I also applied for a name change. I was watching the extra long version of Lord of The Rings the other day, and I noticed how Blilbo also wrote a lot, but if I changed my name to Bilbo, it would be plagiarizing. So after thinking about it hard and long, I applied for "Dildo Baggins". It sounds still the same and no one will know the difference.

All in all, I welcome new brothers and sisters. For now I can only advise you to repent your sins. Repent them through your genitals. It's the only way to get them out, because repenting sins feels so damn good, as does fondling your genitals. Also fondle the genitals of others, because a good servant of the Lord, is a servant who helps other repent their sins. Only it's forbidden to repent the sins of people who have the same genitals as yours. I haven't figured yet out why, but I'm sure the Lord will guide me. In the mean time, I have sins to repent.

You sound like Herman Brusselmans. I am sure he has had it all.

wow... just, wow....

This dude needs to stay away from the pills he finds laying on the ground.

As the first prophet of our lord you deserve a title. What's your title?

A zombie action thriller for a religion and I fuck and masterbate all the time!? Im in. What afterlife do I have in store Dildo?

I repent

quote:Originally posted by Uncus:

You sound like Herman Brusselmans. I am sure he has had it all.



Seriously, why do people quote posts that are extremely long?

But this was a funny thread, I laughed. I think it is more half baked, but whatever.

quote:Originally posted by HAND:

A zombie action thriller for a religion and I fuck and masterbate all the time!? Im in. What afterlife do I have in store Dildo?

I repent

After we die, we become orgasms. We roam the earth in spirit form, in search of horny couples, and bring them sweet pleasure. Without the dead, there would be no orgasms.

quote:Originally posted by Fundokiller:

Here's to sin.

*Raises manly tankard of ale and grunts*

The giants are coming



Enoch my friends

[This message has been edited by Ares (edited 12-03-2005).]

Very Funny post.