When life with the kids get too much and oc6 inspires me (no joke, she really does), I write. Badly for the most part.

Tell me what you think, and if anyone feels the urge to correct my appalling punctuation PLEASE do!

Its a 'slow burning' erotic novel...well its supposed to be. Set in 80's London (so I've added a glossary).

Its supposed to sound autobiographical and to a large part is.(I did live in a squat and with some lesbians for a while).

----------------------------------------

The Angel Of The Kybher

I hate waking in a pool of vomit, mine or anyone elses. I also hate waking with my face on some other guy's bare cock. That morning I managed both.

A squat in the Peoples Republic Of Islington.

North of the river , south of the border, west of hell and a hell of a ways east of Eden.

Disentangled myself from the twitching, snoring, farting mound of naked, sticky humanity.

Pour a can of fruit salad over them and you'd have a Bosch.

I was wearing a rather grubby looking, off white ,and wet pair of girl's Cami-knickers. Lace round the edges. I try and stand up, foot hits something cold and rubbery. Oh well at least it wasn't broken glass. 'Ezra-Dread' had been playing at 'cossack drinking' after he and 'Toad' had an impromptu e-guitar concert on the traffic Island.

Knickers? Memory gets a foot in the door of my aching head. Oh yeah, one of the girls had wanted to try something she'd read about sucking off a man through silken panties...being thinner than men's briefs.

I start looking around the room for my camo-jacket, jeans, and my boots.

Bottles, broken glass, used condoms, clothes and boots. Lots and lots of black para boots.

Strange how us uniform hating unconventionalists all seem to end up wearing the same.

Bit like trying to find your car in the supermarket car park.

Probably a doctoral thesis in that thought for one of the students.

They're all still comatose. Sunlight belligerently trying to penetrate the black bin-liners that serve as 'curtains'.

The one part of 'milieu' life i have never managed to master: sleeping in. Even after years of living under the radar of social convention, monumental hangover forming or not, I'm up.

So I suck as a 'hippy layabout wasterl'. So sue me.

Find my jacket.

There is a God and he apparently still loves me.

I've got half a pack of Sobranie in one pocket , some paracetamol and ...and..truly we live in age of miracles and wonders, a half bottle of cheap supermarket vodka.

Sit there with my back against the wall, smoking and washing down pill after pill with the vodka.

Renal failure, anyone?

Waiting for the alcohol to cut in and the pain, cramps and sickness to lessen.

My granddad used to say 'a shit, a shave and a clean shirt'

Or at least a piss and a bath.

I gather up my clothes and boots and stagger into the bathroom.

The door was open.

Custom was we only shut the door if we needed a dump. Not from any sense of prudity but because the kitchen was next door and the smell of shit tends to offend when eating.

Ever been to a catholic shrine?



Candles and incense.

Candles all round the bath and on top of the toilet cistern.

We're all far to 'radical' to want go and buy a light bulb.

Bell and Book.

Sarah is lying in the bath.

Sarah is a lesbian. A real 'Female Eunuch' reading, Man hating,Doc Martins wearing, shaved headed lesbian. When she's not living in the squat she's at her girlfriend's, 'Mo' and Mo's small son 'Anton Aardvark'. Islington is about the only council who won't try and remove kids from lesbian couples as a matter of principle. We'll keep the red flag flying here.

Even with the skinhead and tattoos she is a pretty girl. And sometimes when she's had enough dope she sometimes seems like any other 17 year old girl. Although after enough drugs most of us probably seem like teenage girlies.

She turns and looks at the knickers I'm still wearing.

"You discovered your feminine side?" ,she enquires mischievously.

"Go get yourself some cock"

She stuck her tongue out and then said "if you want a pooh then I'll dive under for a bit".

"NAh, thanks. Just a piss"

I push the cami knickers down and step out of them. Sat myself on the toilet. House Rule, all men sit. Saves on cleaning.

Sarah says " Can you 'go' with me in the room? You blokes are sooo sensitive about such things".

I let my bladder open, hand down between my legs to keep my cock right.

Sarah giggles " that's just how the pony used to sound back on my parents farm"

I finish, stand up and shake my cock a couple of times. Making sure the drips land in the bowl. Leaving pee on the toilet seat was a sure way to make yourself unpopular.

Sarah asks, " Would you like to share my bath? I've only peed in it a bit"

Now that surprised me. We'd got the old boiler working but it was slow as hell and hot water was a premium. There was no reason why she should offer me that though. We'd never been particularly friendly or close.

"sure" . I step in at the tap end where her feet are. She parts her legs and I stretch mine out under her knees outwards.

She hands me the soap and I start to clean the night's sweat and body fluids off me.

"Did you see I'm shaved?" Sarah thrusts her mound up towards my face.

"Mo made me do it for being a bad girl"

"looks good" I said,

I hadn't realised that Sarah was a 'sub'. She always seemed the more masculine of the pair and i had assumed she was the 'husband'.

"You don't have a hard on!" Sarah sounded troubled by this.

"Uhm no, was i supposed to?"

"You're a boy and you're sitting in a bath with a naked girl!" said with that tone that all feminists use. You know, the one which implies all men are potential rapists.

"Or am I not attractive?"

Oh jesus, a hardcore lesbian sub who would normally rather shag the pony back home on her parent's farm than a man, and suddenly she's worried about how she looks ?!

"You look just fine, really" God I feel lame saying it.

"So if i was into men then you'd want to do me?" she demands, the moment's weakness passed.

"til your ears popped" I reply, still trying to dig myself out of the hole i had somehow managed to dig myself into by being born male.

Sarah looks at me with something like disgust.

Then she twists herself around in the bath, kneeling with her back towards me.

Bends herself into the classic 'doggy' and asks "and my bum? Does it look good too? Would you want to fuck it?"

At least I don't need to lie. Her arse is pert and round. Extremely shaggable. I tell her so.

"Ok, thanks" she says and gets out of bath.

I decided discretion was the better part of valour and submerge to get the puke and god knows what out of my hair.

I surfaced to find Sarah already dressed in combat trousers and is drying her tits and hair with a rolled up army shirt. No point in bathing if you then dried yourself with one of the two 'communal' towels in the bathroom. I got out of the bath, shook and started to put my clothes on. They'd dry soon enough.

We heard the window open and close in the next room. The big sash window served as a door for those in 'the know'. The real front door was bolted to prevent the 'capitalist fascist piglet', whose property it was, from sending around some of his mates to evict us all.

'Scooby-doo' (do you, do me, do bleeding anyone) came into the bathroom. Scoobi was my 'steady' when I was in the 'Smoke'.

"Fucking Cypriot wankstain didn't use a rubber" She said, positioning herself over the toilet. Bunched up her balti skirt, ripping down her panties. Kicked them over so they lay next to the ones I had been wearing half an hour earlier.

She squated over the bowl, hand cupped between her legs. She let a little piss out into her hand and then rubbed it back around her cunny.

"You had your cap in?" I asked

"Yeah but fuck knows where his wog dick had been" She had obviously forgotten that Sarah was not only Pro Choice, Pro Cuddly Furry Animals In The Rain Forests, and Pro 'you have the right to a castration' but also very very 'right on' about 'minority rights'

Sarah glared.

"Never be afraid of good old Anglo-Saxon prejudice" I joked, which earned me glares and bear stares form both girls.

"Scooby,may Jan fuck me up the bum?" Sarah suddenly enquires.

All credit to Scooby, she only stopped in mid-pee for a split second before replying

"uh, yeah sure but why the sweet fuck would you want him to?"

Sarah laughs and says "no worries, I'm not going hetro on you. Its for my writing"

Sarah actually earns money writing. Well, in one of her writing jobs anyway. The other she does as a labour of love, gratis. Shes the "Junior Comrade with special responsibility for Editorial Comment' in the ' Trotsky Lesbian and Gay Voice'. Her other job pays well though. She writes erotic stories for a publisher of women's erotic fiction.

Problem is, she's only had a cock inside her a couple of times herself and those were 'behind the hay stack' shags back on the farm.

I assume the anal sex experience is for her erotic fiction, can't really see the 'Sisters, brothers and comrades' finding rectal penetration a 'catalyst for World Revolution and liberation of the oppressed downtrodden masses of the proletariat', although Philby and Blunt were both shirtlifters, so who knows?

Never be afraid of good old fashioned Anglo-Saxon homophobia.

"fine by me then" says Scooby.

"Uhm Do I get any say in this?" I ask.

Sarah gives me one of those 'are you on any prescribed medication?' looks and Scooby just rolls her eyes. Of course i don't. In Sarah's world I am at best simply a breeding machine and a biological genetic dead end...a mysognistic deity's sick joke on woman-kind.

Chapter 2.

Greasy spoon caff, checked chipped Formica tables, tea urns and 'Fag-ash Lille' serving.

Laying down some ground rules, some protocols.

Explaining to her that I'll have to grasp her buttocks, hips and shoulders at various times.

No touching of her breasts or cunny.

"Will it hurt much?" she wants to know.

Truth is I don't know, It'll depend on how much she can relax, how slow we go. But she's wants it done from behind, doggy style. Told her that isn't so good for a first time but she only wants to go through it once and wants it to be done properly.

She will be taking notes during.

Recording her feelings, the sensations and my commentary.

A romp behind the tea urns with Lille would be more erotic.



Anton the Aardvark is at play group and Mo' is helping out down at the 'Day Center for Visually Challenged Elderly Black Victims Of Police Brutality'...or some kinda thing. We'll keep the red flag...

"we'll need some KY -gel" I say, pointing through fly shit stained window to the chemists down the street.

"Why?" she asks.

"Because normally with Scooby I can slide in on her vag-juices. Which I'm guessing you won't be producing."

"Scooby always says you're a thoughtful lover . You waited outside the Women's Clinic for hours for her when she had the pregnancy test done?" she says.

"Modern man, thats me, darlin' . 15 pints and I can still come home and work the washing machine. My crochet ain't bad neither " knowing damn well that using any kind of affectionate name for her would piss her off.



I pour whats left of my half of vodka into our teas.

London tea. Strong enough to be a controlled substance.

Buzzing on tannin and vodka we head back to Mo's flat.

Mo's place was about 10 minutes walk from the squat. Near enough to the milieu that she could still feel part of the 'scene', but upmarket enough that she could show the council that Anton was being raised in 'safe' environment. Not a council flat mind, Daddy had bought it for her for her 18th.

Daddy was another Zionist Pawn in the Employ the Capitalist Exploiters of the Working Classes. He was also near the bottom of the list of the hundred richest in Britain and could trace his ancestry back to the Arch. Old money. Eton,Guards and then 'something in the City'. Put the Ermine on when Maggy called.

We get in the flat. Sarah disappears into a bedroom and comes out with a reporters notepad, several sharpened pencils and a blanket.

"Living room?' she asks.

"Sounds good"

She spreads out the blanket, pulls down her combats.

Very large virginal white panties.

I'm surprised at that. No pic of the Queen? That was almost de rigeur for lesbians...well the ones who listened to punk anyway.

"Mo expects me to be demure, as she calls it" Sarah said by way of explanation.

She drops to her knees. places her stuff where she'll be able to reach it. Goes into the doggy position.

"You can start"

I kneel behind her, the tube of gel ready.

Gently pull down her knickers to half way down her thighs.

Feel myself getting hard.

"ok, Sarah, i'm going to lube you up.It'll probably feel a little cold to start with"

I hear a pencil scratching across paper.

Short hand. Nice to know those secretarial courses came in useful for something.

With one hand I spread her cheeks softly and apply a huge dollop of lube to her bum hole.

Visions of just raping her like that now, of dominating her.

My erection swells.

Using the pad of my forefinger i softly work the lube in a circle around her puckered rose.Slowly increasing the pressure of my finger, then two fingers, til I see her hole open a fraction. Let my fingers travel in circles a little deeper.

Slowly I insert a finger into her.

"ok?" I ask.

" yes, no pain, just feels a little weird"

Work that finger around, in and out, circling inside, massaging her ring from the inside.

She feels loose enough.

I raise myself onto one knee and put the tip of my cock on her rose.

"Which way do want this?" I ask. "I can go in millimetre by millimetre or go all the way in in one go and then be still until you've relaxed around me"

"How would a man normally do it?" She is unsure.

"Probably all in one go."

"DO it!"

I hold myself with hand and make sure I am positioned right, my head just in the center of her bum hole. Then I push. All the way in. Her ring parts. Up to my pubic bone.

Sarah groans

"THAT hurts!!"

At least she's stopped taking notes for a second.

"You want I should go out?"

"No"

I kneel there behind her , totally still. Waiting for her to relax and the pain to stop.



At that moment Mo walks in.

"And what, may one ask, is going on here?"

Only centuries of selective breeding allows someone to put that much disapproval into such a polite sentence. A sentence with vowels that would have given 'Enry 'Iggins a hard on.



---------------------------

So my question S&A, has anyone enjoyed this so far? Should I pen the rest or go back to writing haikus about single,perfect, glistening drops of dew on peach blossom?

Glossary:

"People's Republic Of Islington" : Islington is a borough or ward of North London. In the 80's it was ruled by a very left wing militant council.



"Greasy Spoon": traditional working class cafe.

"Putting on the ermine when Maggy called": English Lords, who sit in the Upper House (the House Of Lords) wear ermine robes. Maggy of course refers to Margret Thatcher the then Prime Minster and reputedly the 'best man in Britain'.



The title? You'd have to be from London to understand.



[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 03-05-2007).]

I want to know what happens next!

*gets panicy*

quote:Originally posted by bloodenangel:

I want to know what happens next!

*gets panicy*

Well if you feel that way then I guess my work here is done.

*kicks back and puts on 'Babylon Burning' by the Ruts*

I hope that means kick back into writing mode.

I don't want to have to get agressive here.

I'd say keep going - so long as the next several chapters involve more and more women, and this guy who just won't go soft, and the weird sexual things they make him do....

lol - it's actually quite good - I was a bit disappointed it ended there.

quote:Originally posted by bloodenangel:

I hope that means kick back into writing mode.

I don't want to have to get agressive here.

*frantically scans his mp3's for a copy of 'London Calling'*

gotta create the 'Mood'.

It was interesting. I want to read more.

*waits for thread concerning jack's kids getting ahold of this material, furiously beating off too it, and jack finding it in his kids room covered in cripple gravy*

I'm hoping that someone else who lived through that era in London (psycho 8b?) will be able to tell me if I have managed to capture the 'feel'.

Culturally and socially it was a time of great change, the last of non-internet generations.

And, sadly, I think a lot of us really thought we were going to change the world.

MOAR.

that's fucking disgusting. You used some dirty lesbians bathwater with piss in it to wash yourself?

Remind me never to flat in london.

EDIT: oh, I liked the story. But still, you're a strange filthy man.

[This message has been edited by rabbitweed (edited 03-05-2007).]

Whoa, I think that was kind of unexpected.

It started off, and not to offend or anything, your writing style seemed very choppy. Too many periods, some thoughts simply could have been adjoined with another. I'm similar in that I like using periods for a hard feel, but you may have carried it beyond a little bit.

For example:

"I was wearing a rather grubby looking, off white ,and wet pair of girl's Cami-knickers. Lace round the edges. I try and stand up, foot hits something cold and rubbery. Oh well at least it wasn't broken glass."

You use too many descriptive words, and so it breaks up the fluidity. Try using words that are more encompassing, and try not to reiterate with a second word. For example, grubby and off-white tend to go hand in hand, and could likely be changed. I'd put my version of it, but I'm afraid I wouldn't capture the feel. Hopefully you can work from my criticisms. I have one story using a somewhat similar style in portions, and I can post bits if you want examples.

The surprising part was when I realized I continued to read, even though the first paragraph generally decides things for me. In fact, I was disheartened when it ended, and quite unexpectedly.

I think if you just revamp the first paragraph a little bit, it'll be fantastic. I certainly didn't live the age you're referring to, but I can certainly feel it through the story.

All in all, Bravo.

Well I still ended up with a semi even though I tried not to.

I loved this line:

"North of the river , south of the border, west of hell and a hell of a ways east of Eden."

Reminded me so much of the Young Ones, or Withnail and I.. that's how you lived your life back in the day isn't it?

quote:Originally posted by BloodiedMind:

Whoa, I think that was kind of unexpected.

It started off, and not to offend or anything, your writing style seemed very choppy. Too many periods, some thoughts simply could have been adjoined with another. I'm similar in that I like using periods for a hard feel, but you may have carried it beyond a little bit.

For example:

"I was wearing a rather grubby looking, off white ,and wet pair of girl's Cami-knickers. Lace round the edges. I try and stand up, foot hits something cold and rubbery. Oh well at least it wasn't broken glass."

You use too many descriptive words, and so it breaks up the fluidity. Try using words that are more encompassing, and try not to reiterate with a second word. For example, grubby and off-white tend to go hand in hand, and could likely be changed. I'd put my version of it, but I'm afraid I wouldn't capture the feel. Hopefully you can work from my criticisms. I have one story using a somewhat similar style in portions, and I can post bits if you want examples.

The surprising part was when I realized I continued to read, even though the first paragraph generally decides things for me. In fact, I was disheartened when it ended, and quite unexpectedly.

I think if you just revamp the first paragraph a little bit, it'll be fantastic. I certainly didn't live the age you're referring to, but I can certainly feel it through the story.

All in all, Bravo.

I'd be interetsed to see your story and also (if you feel like spending the time) your 'edit' of the first paragraph.

I was 'raised' to believe that the first sentence must grap the attention of the reader.

Originally the 'North of the river..' sentence was the opening sentence but I felt it didn't really grab the attention of the reader.

[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 03-05-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by ZeroMalarki:



I loved this line:

"North of the river , south of the border, west of hell and a hell of a ways east of Eden."



Me too but I wonder how many readers actually know what it means (the 'east of Eden' bit).

Aaww, I had to stop reading, because I have to go to college! I will read it when I get back, you write well.

And the story makes me wanna shave my head again! :P

1. I love your story so far.

2. More! MORE! HURRY! FASTER!!! Seriously, i need to read more!

3. It gave me a boner.

4. Please let that guy ram her. Let him ram her hard. I want blood and cum everywhere.

5. It needs incest and crazy plot twists.

Sweet Jesus why would you stop at a time like that? You sir, have me eagerly awaiting the next installment.

I definitely didn't live during that era in london, but ive spent enough time with the punk scene (thank god im not there anymore) to feel ok with telling you that the vibe was dead on.

Now put your silk knickers, grab a beer, and GET BACK TO WRITING DAMNIT!

I kinda get the feeling that if I'd posted a "Here is my shopping list" thread then I would have got more responses.

Obviously this board is full of Harry Potter reading philistines!

*withdraws his unique genius from among you *

Aw...

Keep writing, I'd love to read more of this.

I even don't mind the choppy-ness of the first paragraph, it adds grit and character to the writing style. And I'll be honest, I got semi-hard from reading that, and I wouldn't mind going out and finding some random hot punk chick right now. :\ Anyways, nicely done jack, and finish this one up, at least, please

quote:Originally posted by Orange_Crusader:

Aw...

Keep writing, I'd love to read more of this.

I even don't mind the choppy-ness of the first paragraph, it adds grit and character to the writing style. And I'll be honest, I got semi-hard from reading that, and I wouldn't mind going out and finding some random hot punk chick right now. :\ Anyways, nicely done jack, and finish this one up, at least, please

Well that makes two semi's its caused and full.

Unfortunately my shopping list would still probably do better

HMMMMMMMMMMM veal!!111

lol

*doesn't want to be a xxxxh4rdk0r3punkzzxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx anymore*

That sounds like the life for me. All I need to do now is take up drinking, drugs, liking for punk, drop my disdain for England... etc

quote:Originally posted by Zonko:

That sounds like the life for me. All I need to do now is take up drinking, drugs, liking for punk, drop my disdain for England... etc

and knock up a working time-machine in yer Da's shed?

Today's scene is very different I'm sure...so what I gather from here and from my kids.

Try lighting post-hump ciggy these days and she'll probably call the SWAT in.

[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 03-05-2007).]

Brilliant story.... hurry up with the next edition.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

and knock up a working time-machine in yer Da's shed?

Today's scene is very different I'm sure...so what I gather from here and from my kids.

Try lighting post-hump ciggy these days and she'll probably call the SWAT in.



I'm sure there's some squats in Derry city where there's kids of ex-stickies living that sort of life somewhere. Plus I have my own tools, thank you very much. What sort of mentalist do you take me for?

quote:Originally posted by XHippie HunterX:

Sweet Jesus why would you stop at a time like that?

Keep writin', Jacko. if you please.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

. House Rule, all men sit. Saves on cleaning.

Priceless!

[...and so...I inspire you to write about such things. This odd "puritan lady"? :P. ]

Odd, odd man you are.

Magnificant. Loved it. Hated it to end there, tough. Continue writing, I think you have both the life experience and the talent to write above average things.

BTW, around here (Belgium), some parts of the scene havn't changed that much, but that's mainly because lot of the people there are people of your age stuck in their 20s.

[This message has been edited by Amos (edited 03-05-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by oc6:

Priceless!

[...and so...I inspire you to write about such things. This odd "puritan lady"? :P. ]

Odd, odd man you are.



If you liked just that one single line then it was worth the effort of writing

And whaddaya mean 'such things'? Ain't hardly much kinkyness in there...yet.

[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 03-05-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

Me too but I wonder how many readers actually know what it means (the 'east of Eden' bit).

I assumed it was Garden of Eden, so basically you're living in a complete shit hole.

More

And your 'choppy' sentences are good because they more accuratly reflect the narrators thoughts and character.

Oh, an if he's about to get his dick karate-chopped off by the lesban Mo, then put a fucking warning on it - that kind of surprise is really NOT FUCKING GOOD when you reading erotic fiction. Trust me.

quote:Originally posted by ZeroMalarki:

I assumed it was Garden of Eden, so basically you're living in a complete shit hole.

Yeah, God cast out Adam and Eve to wander to the east of Eden. But, yep, 'shithole' kinda covers it well.



[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 03-05-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

If you liked just that one single line then it was effort the effort of writing

And whaddaya mean 'such things'? Ain't hardly much kinkyness in there...yet.



Oh noes! "Yet"

Cover's eyes and grabs the soap.

that was gd, please update with next part.

Also I hope your kids never read this

this is weird for me seeing how i live in islington

quote:Originally posted by frl:

this is weird for me seeing how i live in islington

Allow me to up the freak factor a bit then...the squat I based this on was on Roman Way.

*hopes you live on that street now* :P

wish I could remember the number though

very well written, moar plz.

That started to get me hot. MORE!!!

quote:Originally posted by Flock:

That started to get me hot. MORE!!!

was it the vomit or piss that got you most aroused?

It was i suppose in the style of erotic ficiton very detailed with witty bits of intellect placed thoughout.

I think it is wonderfully addictive but i seem to keep getting this lucid dream like quality when reading it. It seems as if you are merely commiting your actions without thought or consideration. Perhaps this is the vibe you were trying to set that you just simply "did" things. I couldn't really grasp how you felt about the situation apart from the erotic feelings about "dominating" her.



I think that it is wonderfully written and very reminiscant of Hunter S. Thompson with the dry wit. Although he had the handicap of being american. But for me i didnt think that there was enough emotion that i could relate with. I can feel what i would feel in those situations but i read to feel what others felt in that situation. To give myself a new set of eyes on something if you know what i mean.



I dont want to offend you im quite aware of the repercussions that this could have lol what with the moderation. But these are just my thoughts on it . Whats life if you cant be honest eh ?

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

was it the vomit or piss that got you most aroused?Harhar. No.. it's the bald lesbian sub getting it up the other hole and then her domme walking in on the whole thing. Leaves so much of an open ending!!!

I hope the next bit is full of revenge; sexy revenge!

quote:Originally posted by inverted:



I dont want to offend you im quite aware of the repercussions that this could have lol what with the moderation. But these are just my thoughts on it . Whats life if you cant be honest eh ?



Are you infering I m-m-m-ight...maybe..p-p-p-p-ossibly abuse my mod powers???! *shudders at thought*

:P



Actually your sort of comments/critique are exactly the kind of thing I am looking for.

shameless attention seeking bump while he loads the dishwasher and mentally composes "Chunk the Third."

[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 03-06-2007).]

It's very broken. As if it's a compilation of thoughts that have been shoved together.

It is also slightly too medical to have the title erotic applied.

It's good to express yourself however it comes. Well done.

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

It's very broken. As if it's a compilation of thoughts that have been shoved together.

It is also slightly too medical to have the title erotic applied.

It's good to express yourself however it comes. Well done.

quote:Strakynyar Krongoth

More

And your 'choppy' sentences are good because they more accuratly reflect the narrators thoughts and character.



Now you're all just trying to confuse and befuddled an old man.

*vows in future to stick to the tried and tested 'once upon a time' and 'they all lived happily after'formula * (seems to work for Dan Brown)

I wasn't refering to the sentences. I was refering to the scenes.

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

I wasn't refering to the sentences. I was refering to the scenes.

While I was hiding in flippancy while I mulled over what you said :P

(seeing as you're one of the people here whose english kicks mine into the gutter, )



Not sure if the 'medical' crticism is justified. It is a fine line writing erotic fiction between the language and style of much which is posted here(ie teenage "OMG11111!!" wetdream stuff) and the equally naff tweeness of sentences like 'she rode him like a rodeo queen'.

[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 03-06-2007).]

The story reminds me a little bit of the movie Sin City. Maybe it's the lesbians, meh.

I wouldn't call it erotic, but I enjoyed it.

quote:Originally posted by Mr.Happy:

I wouldn't call it erotic, but I enjoyed it.

I said 'slow burning'.

'Erotic' doesn't always mean 'she' has to drop the glass on his lap ('oh I AM clumsy, let me wipe that up') in the first chapters.

I am seriously considering introducing a plot...a radical departure from the genre I know but...

When I usually read erotica, the stories are so naff, I skip to the dirty bits, if they don't happen from page one.

But you started with an INTERESTING story which doesn't begin "Mandy combed her long blonde hair and sighed, her 32E-cup breasts heaving as she did so." This made me read on, have an interest in the characters who weren't just 2d porno stars.

Then when it did get to the slightly dirty bits, I found I had more of an interest, and I realize I wanna know what happens next.

Your writing style is a bit "choppy" but it gives it character, and it isn't disjointed to read, so it's fine.

quote:Originally posted by Flock:

When I usually read erotica, the stories are so naff, I skip to the dirty bits, if they don't happen from page one.

But you started with an INTERESTING story which doesn't begin "Mandy combed her long blonde hair and sighed, her 32E-cup breasts heaving as she did so." This made me read on, have an interest in the characters who weren't just 2d porno stars.

Then when it did get to the slightly dirty bits, I found I had more of an interest, and I realize I wanna know what happens next.

Your writing style is a bit "choppy" but it gives it character, and it isn't disjointed to read, so it's fine.

Unfortunately unlike Euda, you're female and therefore incapable of resisting my charm or my writings (sex god that I am).:P

Seriously though you raise a good point .I have gone out my way to keep my character descriptions either very short or describing more personality than body.

Every reader should have their own mental image of what a 17 year old shaved head dyke looks like.

In truth I hadn't given Sarah's breast size any thought.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

In truth I hadn't given Sarah's breast size any thought.



I had lol.

As an exercise, try writing the next part using descriptive phrases. Less how-to, more how it's being done.

It was kind of good actually, but I was too busy feeling my skin crawl at the thought of all that DIRTDIRTDIRT

reminded me of sin city too...must be that whole living in a shithole type theme.

quote:Originally posted by Flamethrowa:

reminded me of sin city too...must be that whole living in a shithole type theme.

Worryingly I didn't overly like Sin City

How could this story be in any way like sin city?

Sin city was beautifull and elegant.All the women were perfect,fragile ,deliacte, and mainly man loving or atleast man respecting creatures.

This story was ugly and dirty. It made me want a shower but it also made me kinda..moist.

Reminds me a bit of 'dreams of sex and stage diving' only it's more grimy and less about sex. !

You may continue.

*claps hands*

[This message has been edited by yoyobek (edited 03-07-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

I said 'slow burning'.

'Erotic' doesn't always mean 'she' has to drop the glass on his lap ('oh I AM clumsy, let me wipe that up') in the first chapters.

I am seriously considering introducing a plot...a radical departure from the genre I know but...

Oh, I know you're not going to just burst into explicit hardcore scenes or anything. It's just that, for me, none of it seemed at all erotic. The setting, the characters, the language... it was all just such an un-sexy atmosphere (to me, at least). Although other people seemed to think otherwise, so I guess it's just my personal erotic tastes

Personally, I'm voting for the introduction of a plot and for it to become a story with the sex just as a part of the story, not necessarily the focus. I like it.

So is there gona be another bit? Also, how long did it take you to write the first bit?

I want to know what her punishment will be this time, what the punishment was for last time and what's going to happen to the narrator.

EDIT: Also the sex, of course.

[This message has been edited by Strakynyar Krongoth (edited 03-07-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by Strakynyar Krongoth:

So is there gona be another bit? Also, how long did it take you to write the first bit?

I want to know what her punishment will be this time, what the punishment was for last time and what's going to happen to the narrator.

EDIT: Also the sex, of course.



Yes there will be more. Unfortunately it take me a long time to write and after about 7 hours in total chapter 3 is about 7 sentences long.

That equation should tell you how long it took me to write the first two chapters.

And I think you'll find the punishment scenes more than adequate...all drawn from the practice too

DAM, but I'm looking forward to it.

Also, well done, even if it isn't the exact right term, because you seem to have inspired other people to write aswell, which is good.

Reading jackketchs stuff is alot like buying a really gory, really nasty, really hideously fucked up asian film.

You know it's going to be sick and depraved and dirty, and you know it's going to leave you traumatised with some pretty fucked up mental images for the rest of your warped inane little life.

Yet you cant resist..

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:



You know it's going to be sick and depraved and dirty, and you know it's going to leave you traumatised with some pretty fucked up mental images for the rest of your warped inane little life.

Yet you cant resist..

Strange, I feel that way about Frys Turkish delight....and Diary Milk...and Pot Noodles

Goddamnit, where is the next instalment?

fine writing sir, thoroughly captivating.

I need the rest, NOW.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

I'm hoping that someone else who lived through that era in London (psycho 8b?) will be able to tell me if I have managed to capture the 'feel'.

Culturally and socially it was a time of great change, the last of non-internet generations.

And, sadly, I think a lot of us really thought we were going to change the world.



I was born in '85 mate...All I got is memories of moods and the many stories I've heard.

Erotica usually has a lot of Dickens-esque, over-exaggerated descriptions of the sky, the air, the temperature, etc!

Remember, during that era where the iron bitch was in power, there was a lot of grey, depressed feelings and emotions. Amongst the working class that is.

A little more description of the surrounding world would be cool.

I like it so far though mate...And forgive me for being short in my reply...I'm dying of a shitty freakin' cold whilst sitting at work!

I'll definitely have a think on things for you though...I would like to see where the story goes (Not so much for the erotic aspect mind you but for the cast and surroundings)

Not bad. I need to find me a doc martin skinhead chick, or maybe a chick with a mohawk. I know a few but none of them are straight, or write erotic fiction.

quote:Originally posted by DogBoy:

Not bad. I need to find me a doc martin skinhead chick, or maybe a chick with a mohawk. I know a few but none of them are straight, or write erotic fiction.*sniff* The memories! I had a mohawk, and then some tank girl style cat ears, but let them grow out.. my friend went fully bald, which was quite a site to see when she was in her braces and boots!(I find bald girls very hot) But we let it grow out. I might seriously bic 80% of my hair off this summer, to celibrate the warm weather.

I've got the urge!

quote:Originally posted by Enigma2002:

Goddamnit, where is the next instalment?

work is in progress.

sorta

maybe

perhaps

kinda

sometimes...

oh my god! that was excellent. really write more. i loved how dirty and nasty it was but at the same time erotic...

[This message has been edited by throopguy21 (edited 03-11-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by psycho_8b:

I was born in '85 mate...All I got is memories of moods and the many stories I've heard.

Erotica usually has a lot of Dickens-esque, over-exaggerated descriptions of the sky, the air, the temperature, etc!

Remember, during that era where the iron bitch was in power, there was a lot of grey, depressed feelings and emotions. Amongst the working class that is.

UHm no, maybe in the barren northern wastelands but the working classes in the south tended to vote for her on mass.

. It was an exciting time to be alive...if you weren't some geordie miner that is.

quote:(Not so much for the erotic aspect mind you but for the cast and surroundings)

Of course...and you read Playboy for the articles on cars? :P

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

work is in progress.

sorta

maybe

perhaps

kinda

sometimes...



I'll cry if you don't write more.

*assumes tantrum position*

quote:Originally posted by bloodenangel:

I'll cry if you don't write more.

*assumes tantrum position*

OH NOOOOES Not a Tegan-Tantrum!

*scribbles like a man possessed, with a bottle of scotch in his overcoat and his dog-eared Karma-Sutra lost overboard!*

Hey man...I like stories about London...The fact it has some kind of erotic theme to it is beside the point!

And I will agree, the northern wastelands hated her...Same as the eastend labour lovers...But then again, this is south London we're talking about here...It's not like they have many brain cells between them to pass around!

And yes, Playboy had some great articles I'll have you know...The naked chicks just made it easier to digest!

quote:Originally posted by psycho_8b:

Hey man...I like stories about London...The fact it has some kind of erotic theme to it is beside the point!

And I will agree, the northern wastelands hated her...Same as the eastend labour lovers...But then again, this is south London we're talking about here...It's not like they have many brain cells between them to pass around!

And yes, Playboy had some great articles I'll have you know...The naked chicks just made it easier to digest!

South London?

Has Blair summonded his Harry Potteresque powers and moved Islington south of the Thames?

I am NOT letting this topic slip.

Islington?

South London?

TAKE THAT BACK!

Jx

holy shit.

Your name is jackketch.

I always thought it was 'Jacktech'.

getting there...won't be long now, people.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

getting there...won't be long now, people.



YAY!

I may be just some Yankee, but I want the conclusion to this. Its not even erotica to me. But thats not an insult.

jack.... i felt a tingle down in my nether regions. what does that mean???

Islington is North London mate.

quote:Originally posted by reggie_love:

holy shit.

Your name is jackketch.

I always thought it was 'Jacktech'.



Same thing, 'till a couple months ago. Didn't get why everyone was calling him 'ketch.... I understand what you are going through.

So mister Jack, you should really dust off your pen-keyboard for all of us.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

getting there...won't be long now, people.

*starts breathing heavily*

I'm watching this thread with intent!!! (or will you post it in a new one?)

Anticipation

quote:Originally posted by Flock:

I'm watching this thread with intent!!! (or will you post it in a new one?)

Anticipation

I will close this one but link to it.

Love the story line. It's very different and has a great feel, I was getting into it like a novel, more than anything. Have you ever thought about writing a book?

We're all waiting for an update, so please, when you have time.

Back to the front page with thee.

Glumpy shlumphy wumpy bumpy bump!

Fap?

quote:Originally posted by Winston_smith:

Fap?



If you think it would inspire Mr. Ketch?

Where the jumping Jesus is the next instalment?

I bet Jack is just sittin' back, watching everyone beg him to post more...it makes him feel powerful.

quote:Originally posted by rio bravo:

I bet Jack is just sittin' back, watching everyone beg him to post more...it makes him feel powerful.

Nope I just have a slight block at the moment...mainly because if I write it the way I planned then it will upset the most important person in my life..so it's taking some rethinking.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

Nope I just have a slight block at the moment...mainly because if I write it the way I planned then it will upset the most important person in my life..so it's taking some rethinking.

That is so hawt...

I didn't read it. Seriously who the fuck cares about this shit.

Stop wasting your time writing piss poor stories and go get laid like your stupid characters.

Also kill yourself.

Moarrrr

Nao!!

Wow, hot, turned me on.

So what happens nexxxxttt????
As for grammatical: Wayyyyy to many "paragraphs"

Write more, you wonderful bastard!