a lot. Just about every day we fight about some stupid nonsensical thing. Yesterday it was because he wont take me to school dances,and he doesn't want me to go with other people, and apparently he hates all my friends. Until I cried for 20 minutes about how I feel alone and I don't get to participate in school events because he's jealous and basically hates everyone but me and his couple best friends (one of whom I can't stand because he's absolutely senseless and fried by over use of research chemicals and the like, but STILL hang out with to appease my boyfriend)

whenever I get mad or sad about something he does, instead of trying to be supportive or sensitive, most of the time lately he's just gotten really angry and bitched me out, maligning everyone I like to be around, everything I aesthetically like, and all of my beliefs about the world. I think that it's not only insensitive but over the top. I love him but I'm having a ahrd time accepting that when I'm tired, sick, and stressed he gets to yell. How do I tell him right after a fight that I still love him and care about him but I feel it's self-involved to throw all the opinions he has into something I take issue with?

Honey, bail out now!

quote:Originally posted by TehWTF:

whenever I get mad or sad about something he does, instead of trying to be supportive or sensitive, most of the time lately he's just gotten really angry and bitched me out, maligning everyone I like to be around, everything I aesthetically like, and all of my beliefs about the world.

My womanese is a little rusty but...

you're saying whenever you get angry at him, he gets angry back?

Do you yell? Would you be "supportive and sensitive" if he got made and upset about something YOu do?

I mean I won't lie, the way he's treating you does sound pretty bad but it wouldn't hurt to look at how you treat him first.

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

My womanese is a little rusty but...

you're saying whenever you get angry at him, he gets angry back?

Do you yell? Would you be "supportive and sensitive" if he got made and upset about something YOu do?

I mean I won't lie, the way he's treating you does sound pretty bad but it wouldn't hurt to look at how you treat him first.

i always 3end up being the one who says sorry first, even though most of the time the only reason that it became and argument is because he has a bad temper. I only yell at him if I get bitter about him being so pessimistic and rude to me all the time. I say sorry, i make things better, i do his homework and make him food so he doesn't have to get too "stressed" and his anxiety stays down, while I'm having humongous stress at school, spending hours daily there after it ends for play rehearsal, then I come home and ask him how I can help him.Then he gets mad at me for crying. make a little more sense now?

quote:Originally posted by TehWTF:

i always 3end up being the one who says sorry first, even though most of the time the only reason that it became and argument is because he has a bad temper. I only yell at him if I get bitter about him being so pessimistic and rude to me all the time. I say sorry, i make things better, i do his homework and make him food so he doesn't have to get too "stressed" and his anxiety stays down, while I'm having humongous stress at school, spending hours daily there after it ends for play rehearsal, then I come home and ask him how I can help him.Then he gets mad at me for crying. make a little more sense now?

yeah, I've been there. I hate stubborn people, since I am always quick to admit when I've been wrong (I have pride I've just got the balls to be honest as well).

So the next question is...how serious are you two?

[This message has been edited by rabbitweed (edited 03-04-2007).]

It is very unlikely that things will improve without some sort of therapy. I think both of you need help, but that's just based on what you've written.

What's your situation? Are you financially dependent on him? The way you write makes it sound like you're sharing a place.

[I just had the biggest déjà vu.]

Talk to him about it lol. Don't get angry, or agressive, but not passive. Say how you're feeling when, such as 'I feel ignored or put down when you choose not to go to dances with me' stuff like that

If he doesn't take you seriously, duck and role

we are sharing a place...just over 14 months together, about a year of living together in my parents house (we're under 18)

see the quandary? plus the fact that if i wasn't around he'd most definitely kill himself intentionally or do enough drugs to kill himself, but he's manipulative enough to take advantage of the situation. He's much better than he used to be socially and he has practically no anxiety (I'm guessing due to the way I helped him trust people) but every once and a while I see him in a slump and then I realize how far there is to go before he could probably live without my assistance. on one end he would see a conspiracy and think I was trying to find a way to get with someone else or something, on the other end he sees through all the bullshit and would make me feel very guilty for telling him i think he's self-involved haha. I'm not going to lie, I'm not perfect, i'm a bit demanding sometimes, but I also give more than anybody I know, and he is reluctant to even see my plays after I've worked on them for months. He doesn't want to go to dances with me but he's so jealous that I can't go with anyone else unless I tell him they're gay. I've run out of gay friends!

Stop giving so much.

Get help. Find a place that offers free or very low cost counseling.

haha I suppose that really is one of the only things that would help much. I doubt he'd be willing to go. he's one of those people that hate everything and never look at their own problems.

The fact that you're apologizing first doesn't give you the right to hold a grudge about that, although if he didn't apologize at all you'd have a problem.

Apologizing first is hard for a guy to do, because males naturally want to be the dominant one in the relationship, therefore, the female will typically have to bring the opportunity to make up out into the open. So don't feel bad about apologizing first, or hold it against him because it means nothing so long as both people say sorry and make up.

Then go by yourself. You'll learn why you need to leave him. (That is...if you're willing to look at your own problems.)

[This message has been edited by oc6 (edited 03-04-2007).]

You must have really low self esteem to stay with an excuse for a man like that.

Does he hit you? are you worried about him hitting you? And (last but not least) do YOU hit him?

It sounds like you wouldn't be able to tell him all this to his face, so, provided things are violence free, I think you should write him a letter telling him everything you've told us here.

One of two things will probably happen:

1. It'll open up his eyes a bit. I know I've treated women really badly when I've been having a bad time mentally and not even realised it until I calmed down and looked at what she and I were actually doing.

2. He'll get ridiculously angry, in which case you need to talk to your parents and him and get him out of your parents house. Regardless of who's right or wrong and how much you love him, you can't stay in a relationship where you can't tell someome how you feel without them flipping out constantly. Well technically you can, but you'd be a fool too.

The reason I say all this is because I was once married to a man who could make me feel bad for him when he hurt me.

A very strange relationship.



Oh...and yes, I too was very much a giver. It's taken me a long long time to begin to learn how to take. (and/or give to myself... however you want to view it.)

[This message has been edited by oc6 (edited 03-04-2007).]

Alcohol......AND LOTS OF IT! (jking)

Hang in there girl =P

But remember to make a decision based of the "Good" you know AND the "Bad" your bringing up. Hope everything works out

I think he's just one of those really needy guys, i know how that is believe me. i think i sort of am one... but your first post, just tell him that you need to sit down and talk, because it's important. and just tell him what you did in your first post. make sure it doesn't sound like you're accusing him. make it seem like you're asking him for support and care, you know?

If that doesn't work, then i think it's time to bail out of the relationship.