I've just recently moved into university.

Being the person I am, I decided to have a few drinks one day during Orientation week. I met this absolutely amazing girl... She reminds me so much of my ex (which might be why I've become so attached).

Anyway, after laying at the top of the skate park at midnight, staring at the stars, after consuming a bottle of cheap champaigne, we ended back at her place.

This will sound stupid to those people who have never experienced this before, but even though I was slightly intoxicated (but not drunk) - I knew I was falling desperately in love with this girl, even though I hardly knew her. That night, we didn't have sex, but basically everything but while we watched classic musicals on her tv.

Morning after. We'd grown so close to each other over that night, and yeah, we'd fallen in love. Hard.

Complication - she has a boyfriend which she has being going out with for 4 years. She feels terrible and really guilty about what we got up to the night before. She now loves two men - both me and her boyfriend. I come back again that night and we talk.

Turns out her boyfriend is an abusive, blackmailing piece of scum, but she loves him too much to get rid of him. He rapes her and has hit her before, and I'm so worried about her right now.

Turns out she is also becoming suicidal and has been cutting herself.

If I hurt him, or any of my friends do, she isn't going to ever want to see me again. But I don't know how long I can last knowing that he's around.

She's going to tell him what we did on the ride home with him tonight back to her home a few towns over, and chances are he's going to beat her and throw her out of the car.

I really don't know what to do.

I love this girl.

But I feel so impotent.

So help me. What do I do?

if shes not going to make any effort for fix her own problems first, i dont think theres much you can do.

Chances are hes going to beat YOUR ass too. Take her away from pieces of shit like him.

did you know she had a boyfriend before you went to her place? and if she spending the night with some guy she just met behind her man's back who she "loves" then what makes you think she wont go behind you back when you get with her? just forget about her. she's a whore she now loves 2 men overnight

darkside: Stockholm's syndrome comes to mind - she's in love with him even though he's become an asswipe.

Argon: I'm not worried about physical violence. I'm not a small guy myself, but I have a lot of friends here in my residential who's be here in an instant to stand up to him.

Punisher: I found out about him during that night. She said that she loves him, but is no longer in love with him. Which I can understand.

Is this just a cry for help? She seems like she generally does love me as well, I'm not just being a helpless romantic. She's not a shallow person, in fact she's a lot like me in many regards. She's not a whore.

She's stuck in an abusive relationship. She needs a hero, and you show some kindness and fit the bill. That explains why she fell in love with you so fast. The guy is a major dick, so do something to help her out of this situation. If he really does beat her and rape her, then get something done, fast.

if you think she's worth the risk then go for it when she's single. I doubt her abusive boyfriend will dump her after her telling him about that night. I got a friend who has an abusive man and when she tried to break up with him he just said NO. he threatened her and forced her to stay with him against her own will. shit she's still trying to break up with she even cheated and still he wont leave her. so good luck on having her break up with him.

But WHAT do I do? I'm really at a loss here for ideas... I'm a complete pacifist but if I saw him in person one of the first things I would do would give him a personal meeting with my knuckles.

If I do go to any length to put him to harm she's not going to see or talk to me again. I can see she needs to be helped out of this relationship, and fast, but I need to do it in a way that's plausible for the situation.

Punisher:

She mentionmed that she had triend to break up with him before when I confronted her about the abuse the other day but she's afraid he's going to kill himself if she does. (So in other wods he's using fucking scare tactics with her to keep he with him).

And wait till she's single? If it's like this, when is she going to be single? When she's in hospital after 'falling down some stairs'?

I should be asking you the same question on what to do since I need to help my friend out of her abusive relationship too. try taking her away for a whole weekend or a whole week and slowly persuade her to break up with him

quote:Originally posted by Draka:

Punisher:

She mentionmed that she had triend to break up with him before when I confronted her about the abuse the other day but she's afraid he's going to kill himself if she does. (So in other wods he's using fucking scare tactics with her to keep he with him).

And wait till she's single? If it's like this, when is she going to be single? When she's in hospital after 'falling down some stairs'?

Fuck that guy. He wants to beat her so suicide is a fitting end for such a meaningless existence.

Argon: And then have to deal with her killing herself over that? I don't think I could handle that, and I know she wouldn't be able to.

quote:Originally posted by Draka:

Argon: And then have to deal with her killing herself over that? I don't think I could handle that, and I know she wouldn't be able to.

Fuck her too if she feels THAT strongly for someone who does things like that to her.

Argon: Fatal attractions end up that way, he wasn't always like this, apparently. Yeah.

People change. She needs to understand that he has changed for the worse and she needs to accept that bad things happen to bad people.

Shit, if I felt an ounce of grief about evil people doing evil/stupid things for everyone in the world, Id probably end up killing myself too.

She is being a baby. Babies dont make decisions for themselves.

Apparently he thought it was more my fault than hers and she is now forbidden to talk to me.

Luckily she didn't get beaten and left for dead.

I love this girl anbd yet I have to stand back and watch this happen.

What can I do that isn't going to make me look like a huge assclown and yet get her away from him?

FFS... this is a very common situation. The scare tactics, threatening suicide, being abusive... This shows up in insecure guys, and it works best on women who are - for whatever reason - caring/compassionate. The ones who actively Want To Help.

She's well convinced that he's bad for her. That's not the problem. However, from the sound of it, she still feels (subconsciously or otherwise) that she can help him. Save him.

Get her the fuck out of it. Report him if you have to - this is abuse of the worse kind. He's playing with her mind, her emotions - he is Playing Her Against Herself. Psychological damage like this will scar worse than anything physical or sexual. I had a relationship like this several -years- ago - the after-effects are still a crutch in my relationships today.

Gah, ranting. Anyway: You need to talk to her and tell her, plainly, that he is Bad For Her, and that he has been this way so long that She Cannot Save Him. She won't like it, and she'll likely disagree with you. But if you love her, plant the idea and let it grow. Until she accepts it, she'll keep going back to him in one way or another.

And yes - legal action is probably best as well, but risky depending on his stability level.

People who threaten with killing themselves very rarely do. It's used as a threat or a cry for help. The ones who REALLY will kill themselves would never tell anyone, in fear of them stopping them. Don't worry about that part.

What you should worry about is this: If you really want this girl, then be prepared on going through hell working out all the issues with her AND him. He will be on your ass for a loooong time. She will need a lot of help too.

If you're not ready to go through all of that, get out before it's too late. If she doesn't want to be helped out of the relationship then there's nothing you can do.

Thanks for the advice so far. I can understand the predicament, and yes, I love her enough to be there through hell and back as long as I can get her out of this relationship. I still just don't know how to go about it though... It's all well and good to say to get her out of this relationship... but legal action would ruin our friendship as well as relationships between her and his family, her own family and other factors I'd rather not have to disrupt. I'm trying to find a way where I can still intervene without ruining what we ourselves have in the process, as selfish as that may seem.

maybe, on the car ride over to her house to beat her, he has a little "accident" with the car

If she doesn't want you to act about it (and kick the shit out of him) then she's the only one who can act.

You need to convince her to grow up and get rid of him, until then you're just the backup friend who makes everything better after he beats her. you deserve more then that, and she deserves better. sit down with her and get her to choose you over him - just make it clear she needs to choose one, or let you step in and put him in his place.

Alright... I havn't caught up with her all day so far, but when she comes back to residential tomorrow (Actually, looking at the time, later today) I'm going to sit her down and have a really good talk to her and see what I can manage. I'll mention this thread I think and let her know how many people are behind me in this, and their unbiased opinions are reinforcing me.

I'll let you know how it goes. If you have any more suggestions, be sure to keep it coming in.

quote:she has a boyfriend which she has being going out with for 4 years.

[/thread]

No matter what, you wait til she's single.

Remember its only her version you've heard and sometimes, just sometimes people aren't always totally truthful.

quote:Originally posted by Draka:

But WHAT do I do? I'm really at a loss here for ideas... I'm a complete pacifist but if I saw him in person one of the first things I would do would give him a personal meeting with my knuckles.

If I do go to any length to put him to harm she's not going to see or talk to me again. I can see she needs to be helped out of this relationship, and fast, but I need to do it in a way that's plausible for the situation.

I've got a simple idea. Get a video camera and hide it somewhere in her house, so that you can tape that bastard's abusive behavior and that way you can get his ass down to jail..

Legal action is the only possible solution to this problem. I just don't find another way to get this right.

I'll give you another advice: Beware of psycho people like her boyfriend, trust me they are really dangerous and I know that.

[This message has been edited by Maggotote (edited 03-04-2007).]

This is one of those times where you need to sit down and have a nice talk about how shes being a dumb cunt and needs to get rid of her piece of shit boyfriend.

Then you get her away from him, whether she stays with you, her friends, or her family. And then you get a fucking restraining order on the piece of shit.

But the most important thing here is that you get her away from what is obviously a bad situation ASAP.

Okay here's what you.

After her dad moves her away from you, you won't see her again for a long time. In the mean time, fix up an old house and turn it into her dream house (with blue shutters) etc.

One day whilst on the bus heading out of town, you will see her walking down the street. You will chase her down the road into a restaurant, where you see through the window she is getting raped by her soon-to-be husband. Your heart will sink and you will walk away.

You will get put in the newspaper and while she is trying on her wedding dress, she will see you in it, she will most likely faint.

She will come to your dream house and you will a night of passionate sex0r. After she bitch's and moans about having to choose between you and her rapist boyfriend, she will come back to you and you will continue having passionate sex, and maybe some buttsecks.

So all in all, here's what you do.

- Find shitty house.

- Fix it up and paint the shutters blue.

- Wait 7 years until you see her again.

- Buttsecks.

Trust me, it works every time.