So my family life has slowly been going down the shitter. Yesterday though, was the final straw.

It was morning. I was walking to the pantry while the puppy chewed on my toes, and I was telling him to stop chewing on my toes. Irritated maybe, but not angry. My dad makes some stupid comment about how I don't care about the dog. Comments like this piss me off greatly because I am the ONLY ONE who cares for him properly. So I say "ok, don't talk to me anymore." Whatever.

Walking back to my room, my dad grabs me. By the arms, violently. FUCK THAT. I tell him to let go. And again several times. Then threaten to kick him if he doesn't let go. All the while I was struggling, so I'd call kicking self defense. So he does let go. And then hits me in the head. Oh, and did I mention, my mother is standing by watching, doing NOTHING.

So I go into my room and don't talk to them for the rest of the day, because that was a fucked up experience that's never happened before. Today, around 5, he comes home, and I'm still not talking to him. He makes some comment (again, fucking idiot and his comments) about how I should apologize or I'll be sorry and I snap, saying I have nothing to apologize for (which I don't) and so forth. So after being verbally assaulted with a string of obscenities and having a door slammed in my face 3 times, I leave. Apparently threatening to kick someone while they're hurting you is unacceptable....

Sorry, that was lengthy. I'm trying to be rational about this, but it's hard not to just go to the living room and... kill.

But how the fuck am I supposed to deal with this? I can't move out. Not permanently. And not until summer, at least. I can't stay here and not talk to my parents ever again. And I certainly cannot forgive my father. Or my mother for standing by and doing nothing, and then telling me it's all my fault. And I certainly do not apologize when there is nothing to apologize for.

Totse what the hell? I'm terribly confused, and honestly rather frightened.

[This message has been edited by Demoiselle (edited 02-27-2007).]

Abuse is one of the most confusing and frightening experiences to go through. It hurts the most coming from people like your parents, who are supposed to care for you.

The best thing to do, obviously, is to leave the situation. Why isn't that a possibility right now? Age, finances, transportation ?

quote:Originally posted by xannex:

Abuse is one of the most confusing and frightening experiences to go through. It hurts the most coming from people like your parents, who are supposed to care for you.

The best thing to do, obviously, is to leave the situation. Why isn't that a possibility right now? Age, finances, transportation ?

I'm in school. So I'm broke. My parents are paying my tuition but I have the feeling that'll end right quick if things keep going the way they are. I have a job but until this semester is over and I can work full time, I can't afford to leave. I could stay with friends and relatives perhaps, but nowhere permanently. And also, the housing situation around here is ridiculous, so even if I could afford to move out, I probably couldn't find an apartment.

Depending on how severe the situation at home is, you need to leave right away. I hate to say it, but things like this tend to only get worse, not better. How does he treat your mother? Judging by the way she just stood there, do you think it's a possibility that she's afraid of him?

As far as tuition goes, would you qualify for any grants, loans, or other assistance from the school if your parents stopped paying? If not, would you be able to manage leaving on a friendly note? Maybe you can speak with both of them and convince them that it's a good idea for everyone involved that you spend some time away from the house. That way, they'd be more inclined to help you with tuition than if you ran away.

I'm sure that you have a lot on your mind right now and are stressing, but it sounds as though you are discouraging yourself into thinking that you can't make it without their support. Have you checked into apartments in your area? http://www.craigslist.com is pretty good about having a lot of listings in various price ranges. They even have people who are looking for roomates, which would definitely be a cheaper option.

i hate my father, more than you probably hate yours, altough they say they know best or want best for us, it's usually not true. your parents just come from a different background, we're taught hitting children and violence is wrong, but in our parent's generation they were probably beaten a lot because their parents were in a time of constant war(there were wars going on at the time, so parents thought kids who were ungrateful were spoiled), and so its probably a pattern, their parents abused them, so they were taught it was okay. the only thing we can really do is learn from their mistakes, or punch them back. hope that shed some light on the situation.

What exactly do you mean by he 'hit' you. You mean punched? Slapped? Cuffed?

There is a world of difference.



[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 02-27-2007).]

My father would give me a slap and a whack on the head now and then when i was younger.

Thank god he did or i would have turned out a right obnoxious little bugger.



You may not see it now but this isn't as big as you think unless of course he closed fist hit you in the jaw then perhaps you are right.

i like u

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:

I'm in school. So I'm broke. My parents are paying my tuition...



Poor you. I am sure we all shed a tear for your situation.

I know plenty of 16 year old girls, who get the beats every night, are dirt poor with no financial support besides bed/food from parents.

Your parents sound pretty normal, if anything, slightly cooler then most.

Taking beats/verbal "abuse" in exchange for college tuition and letting me live with them, is an exchange I would gladly make with my mom or dad.

If we could all be so lucky.

I thought a bit of verbal abuse and the odd slap around is pretty normal specially if youre acting like a bit of a brat etc. Its not like theyre using you as a punching bag or anything for no reason

quote:Originally posted by streetjusticeforall:

Poor you. I am sure we all shed a tear for your situation.

I know plenty of 16 year old girls, who get the beats every night, are dirt poor with no financial support besides bed/food from parents.

Your parents sound pretty normal, if anything, slightly cooler then most.

Taking beats/verbal "abuse" in exchange for college tuition and letting me live with them, is an exchange I would gladly make with my mom or dad.

If we could all be so lucky.

Just because it seems lucky to you dosnt mean its lucky to everyone else.

You can't define his situation based on YOUR experience. And in my opinion, abuse for tuition is not a trade any student should have to make.

I'm not keen on the word 'abuse' being thrown around here.

From what she's said then I would have probably resorted to 'physical chastisement ' if I were her dad too.

Like I said, it depends on how he 'hit' her as to whether or not it might be abuse.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

I'm not keen on the word 'abuse' being thrown around here.

From what she's said then I would have probably resorted to 'physical chastisement ' if I were her dad too.

Like I said, it depends on how he 'hit' her as to whether or not it might be abuse.

He obviously hit her out of anger, whether it was a little slap or not that's still unacceptable IMO.

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

He obviously hit her out of anger, whether it was a little slap or not that's still unacceptable IMO.

Actually I agree with you. Infact even those who still believe that a parent has the right, nay the duty, to use corporal punishment, would probably agree one should never strike a child in anger.



But that doesn't make it 'abuse'. You only have to read what she's written to know she was 'bratting' to put it mildly! The whole 'I'd call it self defence' nonsense (it'd only be self defence IF she had good cause or reason to believe he intended to do her damage/rape her kind of thing).

Someone rightly pointed out that it is also a generation thing. Todays teenagers are the first generation ever to have been brought up to believe they have a right not to be struck by their parents (in general, depending on jurisdiction).

No idea what the laws are where she is but I doubt very much that any court would consider a simple slap upside the head as 'abuse'. ABH maybe but not abuse.

Well, I think she flipped his switch by being mouthy.

If you can't leave then you need to learn how not to flip his switch. It takes a lot of self control though. (And...it's not by not talking to him either.)

You've lived with him for how many years?

You can leave in a couple of months right...or even a couple of years?

Think about what you do that you could not do until you can leave.

I know it doesn't excuse his actions, him being the "adult". But, if you need to stay then you need to find in yourself, how not to cause things to rise to that level. You have no control over him, so you have to control yourself.

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:

My parents are paying my tuition



Btw, have you ever thanked them for paying your tuition? Showing appreciation for those things they do for you can go a long way. That's not an "entitlement" in my book. Do you sit down and really think about those things they do for you? Those things that you take for granted?

That could really change your outlook and showing appreciation can also help change both your and their (or in this case, his) behavior.

Also, is apologizing for your behavior really that difficult? Sit back and read what you wrote objectively and try to see where you err. That would be what you apologize for. And don't do it expecting an apology back.

Basically, you need to find a way to make peace there. Don't let your "pride" or "ego" keep you from doing that. You wouldn't believe how far that can take you now and how you can learn to use that later in life as well.





[This message has been edited by oc6 (edited 02-27-2007).]

I'm a little worried about the term "abuse" I grew up in an era that myself and all the kids I hung around used to get a slap or a beating when we did somthing we should not have and that included running off our smart ass mouth. It wasn't abuse back then it was "parenting" So he grabbed you by the arm and gave you a slap? sounds to me as if you might have provoked him and he used great restaint not kicking your ass more.

quote:Originally posted by streetjusticeforall:

Poor you. I am sure we all shed a tear for your situation.

I know plenty of 16 year old girls, who get the beats every night, are dirt poor with no financial support besides bed/food from parents.

Your parents sound pretty normal, if anything, slightly cooler then most.

Taking beats/verbal "abuse" in exchange for college tuition and letting me live with them, is an exchange I would gladly make with my mom or dad.

If we could all be so lucky.



i can't help but agree with this guy. after a good two years of what you are calling 'verbal abuse' my mother's boyfriend starting hitting me (not beating, but hitting). my mother did nothing and sided with him. i moved out of my mother's house when i was 15 years old because i could no longer stand living in a house where my mother loved a stranger more than me (they had only been dating for a month the first time he hit me). i began living with my cousins, as my father would not have me (because his new wife did not want anyone else in the house - my brother is a problem child). so after 2 years of living with my cousins, it was time for college. i asked for the money that was supposed to be saved in the bank for me to go to college (money from my parents), and they informed me that there was no money. including recieving funds for my bills and everything, they stole an additional $10,000. i am now an independent student with scholarships and grants up the wahzoo. i just hate reading about people who had everything handed to them and they bitch. either figure out a way to be on your own, or stop being so dramatic about the whole thing.

2 Choices,really.

1-Stick out the arguing and abuse and finish your education. Do you think you can deal with it that long? Do you think they'll really contiunue to pay if things get really nasty?

And what about after you've got your qualifications, are things going to get suddenly better?

2-chuck in your studying, atleast for now, get a full time job, be it washing dishes or cooking burgers, and get the fuck out of your parents place.

Of course the downside of this is that you'll be going right into the gritty hardness of life and having to work just to keep a roof over your head. The plus side will be the fact you've got your freedom and you're not going to get hit or bullied every day.



Whereabouts are you?

I know appartments are extorionate these days, but you should be able to get a small room at an affordable price. People make alot of money renting out a spare room to poverty stiken students or poor immigrants. So.



Back on topic ish, I'd be pretty scared,too. Even if it's not serious violence, it's still really unpleasant when a family member attacks you in such a manner.

In the last few months I was with my dad I was wearing baggy black clothing, partly because he made me hate myself to the extent I really needed to hide myself, partly to hide rapid weightloss/cuts/ect.

One day I was heading off to 6th form and he was like "why do you wear those horrible baggy clothes all the time? take them off!" and then he started pulling at my clothes. Then he actually started trying to rip them off.

I ended up punching him in the stomach. It pissed him off but he was too winded to do much and I scarpered. I kept going back to that place for quite a while though.

I could still be living with him. I'm sure he'd be paying my fees for a fancy music school. I'm sure he'd still be beating me and stuff.

OR, I could be having the life I've got, working hard just to keep my home..and my freedom.



I'd chose this struggle over being stuck with him any day.

.

I totaly forgot what I was talking about.

Albertans.

1. When was I being bratty or mouthy?

2. Yes, I have thanked them for paying my tuition. And I work my ass off. I'm not one of those college students who parties all the time and blows all my money on booze and drugs, I really work my ass off.

3. I'm sure I could qualify for student loans if I had to. But that's a last resort. 6 more years of school... 50 grand, give or take.

4. It was a slap in the head. That bothers me less than the whole him not letting go thing, as I'm struggling, telling him to let go, etc.

5. My mom is just fucking nuts. There's no other way to describe it. She can justify the stupidest things to herself. I doubt she's scared of my dad, but if she ever left him she'd be screwed completely.

The problem I really have here, obviously that my normally very calm and understanding father (even when my brother tried to kill him in a manic state) violently... not attacked me, but you know what I mean. He's told stories of how his grandfather was very abusive and how he would never be like that. There's also the problem of his entire family being prone to alzheimer's. He's starting to exhibit signs, just a little. And everyone in his family has gotten very violent in the later stages. I don't know if they're linked, but who knows.

I'm just completely lost as to how "okay, don't talk to me anymore" could cause all this. If I had went on off him, screaming and yelling and swearing, fine, somewhat more understandable.

If it happens again, I'll leave. But until then, since I have nowhere else to go really, I'll just avoid being here as much as possible.

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:



The problem I really have here, obviously that my normally very calm and understanding father (even when my brother tried to kill him in a manic state) violently... not attacked me, but you know what I mean. He's told stories of how his grandfather was very abusive and how he would never be like that. There's also the problem of his entire family being prone to alzheimer's. He's starting to exhibit signs, just a little. And everyone in his family has gotten very violent in the later stages. I don't know if they're linked, but who knows.

Ok, that IS worrying. If it is something like that then it won't make much difference how well you try and behave

Be very very careful, please.

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:



The problem I really have here, obviously that my normally very calm and understanding father (even when my brother tried to kill him in a manic state) violently... not attacked me, but you know what I mean. He's told stories of how his grandfather was very abusive and how he would never be like that. There's also the problem of his entire family being prone to alzheimer's. He's starting to exhibit signs, just a little. And everyone in his family has gotten very violent in the later stages. I don't know if they're linked, but who knows.

You make a topic and leave out critical information...or you're embellishing...who knows.

If you can't see what you did wrong too...then you're not trying very hard.

Definitely not embellishing. I neglected to include it originally because it just didn't click that it might be linked. This morning it made sense though. It's really freaking me out now though. I saw my grandpa this summer. He has no idea who anyone is anymore, has paranoia, hears voices, war flashbacks, and violent outburts almost daily. I didn't even know that was part of alzheimers. And his entire life he was the calmest person ever.

Maybe you need to sit down and discuss this with both of your parents. The family history thing, that is.

It's also likely it's time to go, so start making plans and leave on good terms.

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:

He has no idea who anyone is anymore, has paranoia, hears voices, war flashbacks, and violent outburts almost daily.

Damnit girl, you've not played much CounterStrike, have you?

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

Damnit girl, you've not played much CounterStrike, have you?

Nooope.

quote:Originally posted by ScaryDangerous:

...altough they say they know best or want best for us, it's usually not true.

It's strange... the older I get the more often I realize that all those times my dad told me stupid "old-people" crap, he was actually right. Damn me for getting older.

It's time to get yer relatives on the Omega-3s & Curcumin. If you'll Goog/Wiki, you'll see that there do be mounting Science that perhaps shows both of those substances are good for Brains & perhaps anti-Alzheimer.

Either that or M/S...