As a baby my penis was horribly mutilated by my parents without my permission or any regard for the consequences on my future. This has affected my enjoyment of sex and masturbation as well as my ability to form and maintain relationships with the opposite sex. I feel I deserve financial compensation for these unnatural alterations to my body. Neither of them have much cash on hand that I am aware of but do have a lot of equity in property that can be liquidated. What do you all think?

I laughed.