The short version:

Every negative event in my life as worsened me. For the first half of my life, pre-school to sophomore year in high school, I was damaged on a social level. For whatever reason I was often picked on. It wasn't physically malicious, perhaps typical verbal torment. I wasn't good at team sports for whatever reason, so that was a constant burden, and I was perhaps borderline nerdy...though mainly I'd say I was just smart. As time went on I would spend my time trying to counter all the insults. In time I would learn to say vicious verbal things, happily hitting where it hurt.

In middle school I was basically just in limbo. Only fully accepted by the less popular people, of course, and although not disliked, not particularly part of the "cool" group. Things weren't really bad at all during middle school, and perhaps everything was rather normal.

In high school I found a lot of vicious torment. I wasn't beaten up or anything, though people had decided I was a doormat of sorts since I was rather friendly. Some people would step over the line with the playful taunting and physicality. Every day tension would build up inside me. I sometimes had to plan out how I react when someone was messing with me. Looking back, I could have easily been the star of news story involving a student killing another student.

After being mugged on the train when I was about 15, I became tougher. I essentially was hungry for some type of revenge, and thanks to a growth spurt and running track, I actually was a different person once junior year came along. At this point, I began to see things how they were, and throughout the course of the year I began to withdraw from the society of my peers and become my own person. While this was good in some respects, it developed into a strongly embedded superiority complex that I still have today. It's not simply arrogance, but a strong sense that most people are worthless. This was the culmination of about 17 years of life, and that's when I began to feel alive.

Now we segway to sexuality. That certainly didn't start when I was 17, though...it began to reach a new level then. I'd say that I began to think sexually around the age of 12. I started looking at all types of porn, masturbating (not able to ejaculate of course), and just generally getting hooked to sexuality. Conveniently, I was/am a good looking guy. I would get some flirting and such in middle school and high school, though none of my crushes led to anything. I probably had a fairly normal approach to girls, and realizing that I was at least superficially appealing, I worked on various attractive things, such as being a fiarly good dancer (latin dances).

Anyways, as fate would have it, my first real hook-up was late when I was 16. It was at a summer camp, and right after I came accross a book called "The 48 Laws of Power". Keep in mind that this was near the time that I began to emotionally withdraw from society. Anyways, there were a handful of potential hookups at this summer camp, and I actually had a nice selection. I actively used the techniques from that book, and voila. Although some other readings and such slightly influenced me, this was a major turning point in my view that women (and people in general) can and should be manipulated.

With my newfound confidence and outlook on life, humanity, and women, my final year in high school was easily my most successful. Withdrawing such as I did ironically brought me closer to everyone. There were still some awkward and obvious antisocial tendencies in my ways, but I managed.

Once I hit adulthood, university, and freedom, I had many more experiences with girls. Unforunately, they've been gradually getting less and less successful. While I could have had sex with various girls earlier in the year, now it's gotten to the point where things will stop after making out once (just making out, nothing inappropriate, etc.). Everytime that I mess something up with a girl (and ultimately, I've messed something up every single time), the emotional toll it takes on me feels more and more dull. I still feel something painful, but...it's a lot less stronger. It's just a feeling that I should move on.

I feel like I've been on one downward spiral for a long time. My personal peak back when I was 17 was at the same time a low point. I was disconnected from people and definitely had some disturbing mentalities; I still do.



Anyways, this thread is leaidng up to this:

I'm at some type of crossroads. Something is wrong with me, and the way I see it I either need to learn how to improve manipulatively, or I need to get my emotions and mind back to some type of normalcy. I'd like advice on either one.

I think throughout my life I've dulled everything down as a self-defense mechanism, but...while things don't hurt much anymore, all of my joy is perverse and shallow.



[This message has been edited by DerDrache (edited 02-23-2007).]

Dude I'm 17 and up till that point in your post it's basically the story of my life minus the want to kill people...Anyways I have no respect for my current gf, but I act like the perfect guy around her, just to score her virginity. I can't agree with you more, women CAN and SHOULD be manipulated. They're just here for us to use and then dump. Finally someone who sees this all from my view.

-WifiGuy

quote:Originally posted by WifiGuy:

Dude I'm 17 and up till that point in your post it's basically the story of my life minus the want to kill people...Anyways I have no respect for my current gf, but I act like the perfect guy around her, just to score her virginity. I can't agree with you more, women CAN and SHOULD be manipulated. They're just here for us to use and then dump. Finally someone who sees this all from my view.

-WifiGuy

AIM/MSN?

Im at the point in my life (16) that i really want to be a killer... shit happens.

quote:Originally posted by Jack_and_Jill:

Im at the point in my life (16) that i really want to be a killer... shit happens.

That's not really what I'm talking about...

quote:Originally posted by WifiGuy:

Dude I'm 17 and up till that point in your post it's basically the story of my life minus the want to kill people...Anyways I have no respect for my current gf, but I act like the perfect guy around her, just to score her virginity. I can't agree with you more, women CAN and SHOULD be manipulated. They're just here for us to use and then dump. Finally someone who sees this all from my view.

-WifiGuy



Mmm im doing the same with my current GF... deflowering girls is tough but something about knowing you were the first makes it worth it although i would like to clarify that i do NOT view women as objects, although i am not beyond using them... hate me i know

quote:Originally posted by WifiGuy:

Anyways I have no respect for my current gf, but I act like the perfect guy around her, just to score her virginity. I can't agree with you more, women CAN and SHOULD be manipulated. They're just here for us to use and then dump.

You're going to die alone and unhappy.

murder/rape/suicide

Life sucks, just face it...

GIRLS SUCK

quote:Originally posted by Mr.Happy:

You're going to die alone and unhappy.

But you're Mr. Happy!

quote:Originally posted by DerDrache:

But you're Mr. Happy!

Oh, yeah, I'll die happy

EDIT: For serious, try a more enlightened view towards girls. Not all of them, just some.

[This message has been edited by Mr.Happy (edited 02-23-2007).]

i used to be verbally insulted for some of the same shit. in middle schoo, i was on the outskirts of the social crowd because i had functioning gray matter. i've withdrawn from people alot. i've developed a superiority complex. i've wanted to eviscerate more people than i can count. i've wanted to "fuck muh brayns out" (though more recently than in the past).

i've been through alot of what it appears you have. you want advice on how to go back to any sense of normalcy? learn to fear something. its a humanizing thing that pushes you in the right direction. it makes you realize you're not better than everyone (though, most people are still worthless).

numbing yourself to joy is the stupidest thing you can do. you'll find something that is mind shatteringly beautiful, and feel very little about it. that's not right.

oh, and btw, i'm only 15. putting an age on everything doesn't mean a whole lot.

quote:Originally posted by RogueEagle91:

i used to be verbally insulted for some of the same shit. in middle schoo, i was on the outskirts of the social crowd because i had functioning gray matter. i've withdrawn from people alot. i've developed a superiority complex. i've wanted to eviscerate more people than i can count. i've wanted to "fuck muh brayns out" (though more recently than in the past).

i've been through alot of what it appears you have. you want advice on how to go back to any sense of normalcy? learn to fear something. its a humanizing thing that pushes you in the right direction. it makes you realize you're not better than everyone (though, most people are still worthless).

numbing yourself to joy is the stupidest thing you can do. you'll find something that is mind shatteringly beautiful, and feel very little about it. that's not right.

oh, and btw, i'm only 15. putting an age on everything doesn't mean a whole lot.

That's some good insight for a 15 year old, though...lots of things change between 15 and 17 in particular. If you felt the same in 3 or 4 years, I'd probably be more ready to accept your advice.

That said, I'm not numb to joy...but most, perhaps all of my joy involving the opposite sex is extremely shallow. I'd say it's mainly the result of dulling the painful emotions that resulted from failure/rejection. I guess it's a bit of a lose-lose situation. I can rid myself of a lot of the pain that most people go through, but now I'm "suffering" from just an overall emotional shallowness.

quote:Originally posted by DerDrache:

AIM/MSN?

Email digimains@gmail.com and its yours

Hannibal Rising has inspired me to become a vigilante serial killer. How badass would that be? Track down killers and rapists and then slowly kill then and eat them.

The 48 Laws Of Power is an awesome book. Buzzed through it while I was in the service.

That's one book I would like to own, and I don't really like reading.

I've been going down the withdrawal road since last term.

I'd say I'm part of the cool group, but they don't really like that I am.

If that makes any sense.

I guess that at one point I just decided that I was better and above earthly pleasures such as parties and mindless conversation about nothing.

Luckily I've realised that before High School starts so I guess there's still time to change.

Wopp!

quote:Originally posted by Mr.Happy:

For serious, try a more enlightened view towards girls. Not all of them, just some.

Women create misogynists. Period. They are all ignorant whores in the end anyways, fuck it.

1.) There is nothing wrong with manipulation, per se. People manipulate themselves anyway. What I think you should not do, however, is hurt people. The first step to reclaiming your humanity is recognizing that other people possess it too. Yes, many are stupid; stupidity, however, is not a crime. It is not something that can be helped. Ignorance can. Maliciousness can. These are the only people who deserve contempt.

2.) Byss, as much as I like you, I must say you're mistaken. Many women are ignorant whores, yes, but all? Hardly. They vary as much as anything. The OP should realize that people are individuals, and women are people.

OP, if you like fiction at all, you might enjoy Bakker's "Prince of Nothing" series. Philosophy/fantasy mix. The main character is a lot like you in some ways.

quote:Originally posted by Byss:

Women create misogynists. Period. They are all ignorant whores in the end anyways, fuck it.

It's the ignorant whores amongst them that give people that impression. Men create feminists but I'm sure you wouldn't say that all men deserve the contempt of females.

are you sure that was the short version?

quote:Originally posted by Mr.Happy:

It's the ignorant whores amongst them that give people that impression. Men create feminists but I'm sure you wouldn't say that all men deserve the contempt of females.

Interesting event last night that I feel is smewhat relevant:

So, me and some male friends are going out clubbing. We are predrinking in this chick's room, and a bunch of her friends from out of town come in. There was one hot, slutty looking girl (who I naturally went after), and a few wholesome-ish, pretty looking girls. One in particular was one of those cute, small chicks that you mainly wouldn't want to hook up with just because they're so petite. She just seemed innocent.

Anyways, there was this one kid hanging with us that I managed to use as a wingman to get the slutty girl's petite friend hooked up.

Having known this guy for about...4 hours max, she gave him head at the end of the night. The fact that this guy was the obnoxious, annoying guy in the group made it all the more shocking.

I didn't want to hook up with her, but my point is that shit like this happens all the time and it just further confirms my mindset.

Moving on: Do I really want to get (back) in touch with humanity? I mean, I can try to open myself up and reverse my mindset...then maybe at some point I can have "romance" and shit, and then end up in severe pain at some point, just like many of the posters I see in this forum have been. Is all that really better than having minimal pain and mostly physical sexual connections?

I also have a big mental block against going ahead and trying to open myself up. It's like willingly shooting yourself, or jumping off a cliff or something.

[This message has been edited by DerDrache (edited 02-24-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by DerDrache:

That's some good insight for a 15 year old, though...lots of things change between 15 and 17 in particular. If you felt the same in 3 or 4 years, I'd probably be more ready to accept your advice.

That said, I'm not numb to joy...but most, perhaps all of my joy involving the opposite sex is extremely shallow. I'd say it's mainly the result of dulling the painful emotions that resulted from failure/rejection. I guess it's a bit of a lose-lose situation. I can rid myself of a lot of the pain that most people go through, but now I'm "suffering" from just an overall emotional shallowness.

i don't blame you for not jumping on my advice due to age. i understand. i've in fact been sitting in roughly the same shape for the past three years, so the experience is not lacking.

quote:Originally posted by DerDrache:

Moving on: Do I really want to get (back) in touch with humanity? I mean, I can try to open myself up and reverse my mindset...then maybe at some point I can have "romance" and shit, and then end up in severe pain at some point, just like many of the posters I see in this forum have been. Is all that really better than having minimal pain and mostly physical sexual connections?

Each person has to answer that for themselves, but in my opinion - yes, it's worth it. I was like you: I sacrificed my pleasure to avoid my pain. My ideal was the robot, the iron man. So I was rejected, eh? Well, I would form myself into someone who never needed humanity and thus never could be exposed to rejection.

Then a certain friend, and a certain girl, changed all that. They showed me my folly. I have reclaimed my humanity; I feel things once again. I have friends and a lover. Has there been pain? Yes. Have the joy and emotional fulfillment I have received been worth it? Yes. Without a doubt. The pain was temporary. My joy and my fulfillment are far more lasting.

[This message has been edited by Twisted_Ferret (edited 02-24-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by WifiGuy:

Dude I'm 17 and up till that point in your post it's basically the story of my life minus the want to kill people...Anyways I have no respect for my current gf, but I act like the perfect guy around her, just to score her virginity. I can't agree with you more, women CAN and SHOULD be manipulated. They're just here for us to use and then dump. Finally someone who sees this all from my view.

-WifiGuy

I cant believe people can actually think like this. But then I look back at the guy I lost my virginity too and realize he was exactly like you. He told me everything I wanted to hear, he was so nice to me, and then the day after I let him get in my pants he dumped me. It hurt so bad...God I just cant stand people that could do that to women.

So to the OP: please don't manipulate women! try having meaningful relationships with them instead, if it doesn't work out (for a real reason, not just because you get bored of them) then just move on to the next one. Eventually you will find someone that is really special.

It's even worse for those fellows dropped by those very girls who opt for the assholes first, then turn to the guys they should've been with after they broke his heart. Those broken-hearted fellows are never going to reconcile with the wrong that was committed by those women in the first place.

You make a thread about this realization every so often.

Eventually you'll take it to heart. Best of luck.