Ok, well I never really knew my grandmother. Last time I saw her I would have been about 4 or 5 I think (I'm now 19). Dad never got on well with her and I think she resented me because she didn't like my mother or something.

So basically, I don't really mind that she's dying. However, I wonder about the effect it has on my Dad. He's in Ireland right now (I live in New Zealand, as does my grandmother). When he heard the news, he was planning on coming down to New Zealand to see her before she dies, but she told both him and his brother she didn't want to see them.

Now, Dad's gotta be hurting inside, I mean his own mother is dying and she doesn't even want to see him. But the thing is, I don't know what to say. I mean, doesn't it sound a little patronising and touchy feely to say "hey I'm here to talk if you want" to your old man? I mean I'm just a 19 year old kid, I know nothing about death...yet I feel sorry for him and I want to help him out.

Any ideas on what to say to him?

[This message has been edited by rabbitweed (edited 02-10-2007).]

My Grandma died (Alzheimers) when we were on a family vacation in Glasgow.

It was pretty shitty; the best thing to do with most guys is to be "there" for them, but do not make your attempts to console obvious unless you feel your father is the type of person who benefits from more emotional displays like that.

All I did when my Grandma died was give him distance at first, but after a while we talked about it.

With guys it seems this 'distance, then openness when it's reasonable' approach works best.

edit: But then again me and my Dad are kind of stoic characters. For you it might just be best to say "Dad, I'm so sorry, I know she was a great mother to you." Something along those lines.

[This message has been edited by static_void (edited 02-10-2007).]

You should just let your pops know that you care about him and ask if theres anything he needs from you right now. Your Grandma sounds like a stupid bitch..

quote:Originally posted by thendoftheline:

You should just let your pops know that you care about him and ask if theres anything he needs from you right now. Your Grandma sounds like a stupid bitch..

She's fucked in the head, and has been for years. Dad told me stories about how he used to come home from school at 14 and she'd be there ranting on the porch threatening to kill herself and shit. She doesn't even want to see her two sons before she dies. The guy my dad knew as his father was actually not his biological father, my grandmother cheated on him.

It's fucked. My family is fucked.

I dunno man, just bring it up.

If he wants to say anything, there'll be no need to push him, you know - depending on what kinda guy he is.

Im sorry to hear that man.. Maybe better that she dies so the family can forget about her emotionally abusive ways.. Still yeah If you love your dad just make sure he knows that youre there for him like you were saying.. Its got to be rough on him but hopefully maybe unlike most of us hell feel better when shes gone? I donno. Hate to hear about dumbass parents who arent fit to look over another life.

Don't say anything. Just go up to him, give him a hug, and let him say what he needs to say.

Not knowing what to say just means that it's not right to say anything at all. Especially in a situation like this, it's best to just be there for your father.

Tell him that you're glad he's a part of your life. Let him know that he isn't the same type of parent as your grandmother. Not in so many words, but the general messege could help.

Who does she expect to cover funeral costs?

You don't have to say anything, show him you care and has his back by your actions. While he is home, keep the house nice and cook something he likes (or have mom help), give him a hug, rent his favorite movie, just be near him in general. He might not want to talk, but knowing that his son is there wanting to comfort him is very assuring. He'll notice you're making an effort, and it will make him proud of you and feel a little better.

Thanks for the advice everyone, but just to make it clear, he's in Ireland and I am in New Zealand, so we don't live together.

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

Thanks for the advice everyone, but just to make it clear, he's in Ireland and I am in New Zealand, so we don't live together.

Oh, he changed his mind then? About coming back to visit?

Buy him a beer? If possible..

How about nothing, did you consider that option?

lol, just say whatever needs to be said.

Dad... I know how much you loved your mother.

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

Tell him that you're glad he's a part of your life. Let him know that he isn't the same type of parent as your grandmother. Not in so many words, but the general messege could help.

quote:Originally posted by Astr0cide:

Oh, he changed his mind then? About coming back to visit?

He was going to come back and see her before she died, but she didn't want to see him.

This is what I sent him:

"Hey dad. How are you doing? I've just been thinking things must be really crap with the whole grandmother thing. So feel free to send off a text."

Kinda lame, but I hope it gets the point across...I'm not exactly a touchy feely guy with my old man, but yeah.

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

...I'm just a 19 year old kid, I know nothing about death...yet I feel sorry for him and I want to help him out...

Say that

Send him a card or letter? I find that semi-illiteracy helps when I feel stupid saying something: "me here if need help" kind of thing.

I dont think you're expected to say anything deep or meaningfull or anything. Save that for the movies. Just hug him if you see him.

just email this page to him. he'll get the idea.

No one wants to die alone, i bet she just said that she doesn't want to see them cause of pride.

Go see your grandma

[This message has been edited by Orillian (edited 03-12-2007).]