My best friend is dead.

Life is not real.

Sunday morning he was in a car that crashed into a tree. No alcohol, just wet roads and speed. He wasn't the driver. He was half a mile away from home. He was 20 and will always be 20.

I really don't know what to do from here. I can barely smile for 3 seconds before I think of him and I'm sad again. I miss him. I can't believe he's gone.

I think of all the songs he'll never hear. I don't know if I'm just being indulgently selfish or what, but it's hard not to be sad when such an amazing person just.. ceases to be.

It was such a freak accident. So not expected. I guess it's better he's dead than paralyzed or retarded or something horrible like that, but what an alternative.

I spent a lot of time with him. I've known him for almost 5 years and we became as close as friends could be. He liked me. His parents keep reminding me that I'm the only girl he was ever serious about. His 3 closest guy friends tell me "He really liked you. He loved you."

It's hard to let go of someone I loved so much. Someone I developed with. Someone who helped make me, me. It's unbelievable. It's like a part of me has died with him. The memories I've forgotten, they're gone with him.

I know death is a part of life. I even like to believe that death isn't the end, like some do. But the notion that I will never get to sit on his back porch and smoke a blunt talking about high school and whatever's going on, is hard.

I don't like many people. People just don't regularly impress me or intrigue me enough for me to want to be friends with them. Danny was one of the few.

I've never been so sad in my life. I have no idea to cope with this. I spend a lot of time at the tree, there are tons of balloons and flowers, beer bottles, liquor bottles, pictures, posters. I just look at his face n this one picture. I sat there till 1 in the morning last night.

New memories come up here and there. I often think that inevitable, "what if" question. His little cousins are as funny as he was. He said better than I could, "Who decided to plant a tree here?!" Hahahahaa...

His viewing was yesterday. That was horrible. His body looked nothing like him. I thought I'd have some solace, but it was so bad I had to leave. I came back and knelt by his coffin with his parents. I held his hand and the first thing I noticed was how I recognized his hands. I know his hands, we were sexually involved for a few months in 2005, so we share intimacy on a whole other level. His hands we cold, his skin was hard. He was hard. His hand was heavy, not the warm embracing hand I remember.

He has short hair, religiously cut it once a week. I was running my hand across his hair and I realized half his head was wax. The right side of his hair was spray painted on. His lips we fucked up. His beautiful long eyelashes we hidden behind swollen lids.

And his neck...

I can't believe it. Sorry if this is a little graphic, but this has been very traumatizing.

Today was his funeral, we all met up at various places around town. The church happened to be down the same street where he lived and where me met up. The cars all going the same speed, I know what the occupants are thinking. It was overwhelming as this Red Hot Chili Peppers song played and the steeple of the church came over the houses and trees.

The world isn't the same. Sunny days aren't so sunny. The trees aren't so pretty.

I suppose time will heal, but this is a bad part of my life. It's hard to wake up every morning and think about him. To keep his myspace on my top8, to keep his number in my phone. It might sound petty to you, it's fake to me.

All I can say is try and forget the bad times, remember the good, and don't let yourself hurt over it too much... He wouldn't want you to do anything else I'm certain.

Best of luck hun.

I can't think of anything to write, but I read it, every word.

My condolences, this has been a year where I've lost several people who were close.

You're a living testiment to the man and how he lived his life. That's as much as anybody can hope. You've got my condolences, for the little they're worth.

Not lately, but yes...I had a friend die in my mid thirties.

It was unexpected and the impact was indescribable. That's really all I can say about it, I guess.

Except...

I'm glad I knew him.

You're a very good writer, reading that made me sad as hell. I've never lost anyone close to me, I really don't know what to say. Condolences.

It's not really recent but about a year ago my grandpa (who basically raised me from birth to 10, and remained very close to me once my mom got on her feet) died. Literally lived less than a mile away, and taught me a WHOLE lot of life lessons without any sort of sugar coating.

I still feel the way you described, but it's lessened over time.

But listen, there's not a whole lot you can do right now. Maintain. That's all I did for about a month.

Ive yet to have that sort of experience, and I had goosebumps and a lump in my throat the whole time reading....I can only imagine how things are for you. Hope you feel better.

Someone very close to me killed themself a few months ago.

It's too personal for me to talk about in detail on totse. But I have at least some idea of what you're feeling Mojo.

The only thing I can say that means anything is that you're not alone, even though if feels that way perhaps... I'm sorry.

quote:Originally posted by oc6:

Not lately, but yes...I had a friend die in my mid thirties.

It was unexpected and the impact was indescribable. That's really all I can say about it, I guess.

Except...

I'm glad I knew him.

Key words right there. That is how you should approach this.

You will get through the sad part, but it is just a horrible situation to go through. Everything feels weird because that person is no longer there, it just doesn't seem real. It is 100% normal to be feeling like you are right now and no one can judge you.

I lost my grandfather a couple months ago, he was a father figure to me. I have a great dad, but my grandfather and I were closer than just grandson and grandfather. It took a while for me to get over the sad part. Know when I think of him, I think of all the good things and I smile.

I know it's corny, but I don't care.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.. try to keep the <3 in your life still. Remember: you're not dead. It can be hard to keep track of that, stupid as it sounds.

just last year I lost 2 friends in seperate car accidents and one of them died the day after her birthday on good friday. it's hard to get over it. I really dont know what to say but remembering the good times you had with your friend will help a lot.

All I can say is my condolonces. Well put post too..

I've never been in the situation where I've lost close friends, but when I was younger I lost some relatives. Of course, it's not the same thing. I can only imagine that the sadness I felt was a mere fraction of how you feel now.

Life throws some pretty crazy ones sometimes. It can be completely unexpected and just totally knock you the fuck out for a little while. Unfortunately there's no way to prepare for this kind of thing. You can't live your life expecting someone you love to not be there tomorrow, obviously; you would lose your mind. There are many emotions involved in loss, and confusion is usually a major component. In my opinion it would definitely help to get out, talk to your mutual friends, hell just spend time with each other and cry about it. Release of emotions makes you feel better - and that's a fact I'm willing to attest to.

In time you will feel better. There is no easy way out of this sort of thing. It happens, and there's nothing you can do now but remember the good memories you had together. Time will make the bad ones fade, and before you know it, every time you're reminded of him, you'll just be happy that you knew him. I wish you the best.

He did not feel this sacrifice a vain or empty one. Of my friend, I can only say this, of all the souls I have encountered in my travels... his was the most... human.

A couple years back I watched a friend die via accidental gunshot. Sorry to hear of your loss and your last minutes with his body. Thats a terrible way to remember him by.

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:



His viewing was yesterday. That was horrible. His body looked nothing like him. I thought I'd have some solace, but it was so bad I had to leave. I came back and knelt by his coffin with his parents. I held his hand and the first thing I noticed was how I recognized his hands. I know his hands, we were sexually involved for a few months in 2005, so we share intimacy on a whole other level. His hands we cold, his skin was hard. He was hard. His hand was heavy, not the warm embracing hand I remember.

He has short hair, religiously cut it once a week. I was running my hand across his hair and I realized half his head was wax. The right side of his hair was spray painted on. His lips we fucked up. His beautiful long eyelashes we hidden behind swollen lids.

And his neck...



dont be so ungrateful. do know how much a trouble it is to put back the splattered remains from a car crash and thats before theyve started to rot...

then u have the over zealous relatives saying stuff like omg my poor timmys arm never bent that way and whats that lump.

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

You're a very good writer, reading that made me sad as hell. I've never lost anyone close to me, I really don't know what to say. Condolences.

I'd also like to add to just try to remember the good times.

Two weeks ago today, my best childhood friend died in a car crash also.

I hadn't seen her for years, but we grew up together, I have so many memories of her, and she influenced the way I am. I would be different had I not had her as a friend.

No alcohol either, just a collision between two cars.

It's fucking bleak. It might not seem so bad, since she lived far away and I never saw her, but it HURTS.

I sympathize.

i'm afraid i can say nothin to help, lost my own best friend at 18. Truck's are not a thing to embrace, not even on accident

But you have my sympathy. Good luck findin a way to give this a place

Only time heals something like this believe me I know first hand, there will come a time maybe days ,maybe months it might take years,that time will come when you think of him you will smile not cry. I refuse to view open caskets because that is not the way I want to remember a friend or loved one. I want to remember them as I knew them alive and full of life.

Thanks, guys, for your responses.

It's gotten harder every day I wake up to deal with this. But this morning, after I experienced an inkling of closure yesterday, was slightly easier. I've gone through the pictures, the letters, the memories. And I'm just tired. I'm drained.

Now I'm torn between moving on and holding onto one more day. It's hard when it was a week ago he was sitting on my couch. It's like the world still is the way he left it. Very soon it won't be.

My heart hurts. Again, thank you for your replies. It kind of helps.

You have to remember the good times and the bad. You need to cry till you can't cry any more.

It may sound corny, but did you guys ever agree that in the future you'd do things together? Like visit a country, play a practical joke on a friend, see a certain band?

Well now's the time to do them.

Any way, my words are quite meaningless to you. Sorry. You'll heal with time. Some people try and forget, don't, forgetting is an insult to his memory.

Good luck.

13 days ago one of my friends turned a gun on himself.

It was his funeral yesterday, and i'm going to visit his grave tonight.

Its unbelievable when a friend dies. He was only 16.

YES! He was Colombian. He was my ambassador. I told his mom I still wanted to go and she said, "It won't be fun without Danny."

His brother and his cousins are there. If I go to Colombia, I'd have to be with them. That's the only way.

He was going to teach me Spanish. I practically lived at his house that summer and their (his mom, dad, and HIM) voices are the only ones I could sort of understand. He used to speak to me in Spanish, I don't know what he said, but I can imagine.. Most of my other friends who spoke Spanish said he spoke it like he was wooing you. He had a very romantic way of speaking.

Oh, my Danny..

I can't imagine losing my best friend. I'd just have no idea what to do without her. I don't know what to say, but I'm really sorry for your loss. I wish nobody had to go through this kind of thing.

God that's so sad, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss - that bought me to tears.

I can't imagine the pain you're going through - the thought of losing my own best friend made me sick to my stomach.

This is why I dont have friends.



Me sorry,mojo..

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:

He was hard.

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:

It's gotten harder every day

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:

Most of my other friends who spoke Spanish said he spoke it like he was wooing you. He had a very romantic way of speaking.

Oh, my Danny..

So you two were one involved, but it ended. But afterwards he still loved you in a romantic way? Man that's sad.

You put my problems in perspective.

I got chills reading this. Not in a bad way, though. It made me realize how fragile life is and how one death can drastically change someone's life. I'm sorry I can't contribute, but this really changed my perspective on death.

Death can be very, very traumatizing. My best friend, of my whole life killed her self last august. Theres no way to cope with it. And you'll never forget him in your whole life. You'll never forget the way he looked. You'll never forget the way you touched each other. Theres no way to forget it.

I'm sure all your bad memory's have already been rooted out of your mind. And they will never come back. I'm not one to say 'oh that happened to me 10 times worse' but something kind of simulative did happen to me.



My best friend, who's name i do not want to type in fear of bringing back so many memory's killed herself august 21st of 2006. She was only 16 years old. She overdosed on sleeping pills and fell into a deep sleep never to wake up. I never got to say good bye.

Her viewing was the weekend after. Ill never forget what she looked like. She was cold and lifeless. Her skin faded to a pale almost white complexion. No one put makeup on her. But they had for whatever reason managed to dress her.

It was her favorite red dress. I had helped her pick it out just a month before. I still remember spending 3 hours in the store picking it out. Not even being annoyed at her wishy washy personalty because of my astounding love for her.

I'm sorry i failed to mention that she was not only my best friend. But on and off the love of my life. I don't think ill ever love anyone as I loved her. I honestly do not want too.

The paster did not preach her into heaven because she had requested that if she were to ever die, she just be preached to the ground because thats what she believed. Once the viewing was over, everyone congerated to her parents house basically to comfort them in there time of need. Why I was there i saw her room. Just the way shed left it. A messy bed and all her clothes on the floor.

I remember wishing that it was all just a bad dream. It didn't seem real. I couldn't imagine her not existing any longer. How so quick my whole life and everyone that loved hers life could change.

She left a small note to her mom. She never exactly said why she killed her self. All her life that id known her shed been deeply depressed. It didn't seem like she had a reason. In her note my name was mentioned. She wanted her mom to tell me that she loved me more then i could passably imagine and that she was sorry it had to end this way. Her mom didn't really tell me much. She could barley speak to anyone.

Ive often thought of ending my own life, in some small chance that theres a world beyond ours, and that i could see her again. For almost a year, I've spiraled through a worsening and worsening depression. It seems like it gets worse every day.

I have a recurring dream of her every night. I'm not too sure what it means. Its always twilight and I'm walking through what appears to be a jungle. Its extremely misty eventually i reach a waterfall. At the very top i make out a figure. Eventually i realize that its her and as soon as i do she jumps. She never lands, just disappears into the fog, then i wake up.[sorry thats a rather irrelevant fact]

It brings me to tears just thinking about her voice. I still have voice messages she left me on my cellphone. I don't think ill ever delete them. I haven't had the courage to listen to them since she passed away.

I don't like not having closure. I wish i could've known the reason behind her killing herself. Perhaps she didn't say, because she didn't want anyone to take the blame. I hate how all this is beyond human understanding. I hate not knowing where we go when we die, if we even go anywhere.

Id like to think shes still out there somewhere. Maybe even looking down on me, looking out for me. But nothing will ever restore the void shes left in my life. I just know in the very back of my head, that she wouldn't want me obsessing over this, she wouldn't want me to end my own life. So i try to look on the up and up. And hopefully ill see her in another life.

My point is please don't get too upset over the matter. Its something we all will have to deal with sooner or later. I'm very sorry this was such a shocking unforeseen event. And I'm sorry it had to happen so early. But think about the happy times, and that he wouldn't have wanted you to be sad. If you ever need to talk, just know that I've been through something some what close to that. Just let me know, okay?

My best friend oded this past summer. I went to his visiting thing. I didn't feel anything then, although his friends and his mom were crying. His mom didn't need this. This fucked up their lives. I feel so guilty now though. I didn't do anything about his addiction although I knew he was gonna end up dead. I always remember everything we did and every time we hung out. I miss him so much. No hope.

I just read some of the other people's posts. Everyone loses people everyday. People face horrible pain everyday and move on hoping for happiness, lowering their standards for happiness thinking they are happy and holding on to hope. I'm envious. You guys are lucky. Humans are fucking retarded.

This thread almost brings me to tears

quote:Originally posted by arquin:

This thread almost brings me to tears

This thread makes me go into morbid fantasies imagining those close to me dying and does bring me to tears.

I can't even imagine losing someone so close to me. I've lost several acquaintances, and goddamn did that ever hurt. One guy I grew up with, went to school with my entire life... he was heading for the NHL, friends with everyone, all around great guy... died in his sleep. Something wrong with his heart. That happened almost 3 years ago and I still think I see him sometimes. And it still hurts.

I'm so sorry mojo.

Chrisjay, your post made me shed a few tears. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

I was sat on a bench at college in the bright winter sun, explaining to my friend how one of the two friends I was closest to as a child had died. My friend told me this girl I had cherished so dearly was up there, watching us, and shining down on us, in the sunlight. My eyes misted up, and I realize I really don't want to accept that there is just oblivion after death.

I want my friend to be up there, and somehow still connected to this world. I can't accept that her soul, the essence of her being, is gone forever into nothingness.

Fuck, I'm an emotional carrot at the moment.

[This message has been edited by Flock (edited 02-10-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

This thread makes me go into morbid fantasies imagining those close to me dying and does bring me to tears.

Well, I'm glad some of you were touched my this. I had no idea. This hit me like a brick. We used to be invincible..

5 people I knew have died in the last month.

This is a huge turning point in my life. Like Danny and post-Danny. We were the self-proclaimed "King and Queen of Sunrise". We ran our city. We knew everyone, made a shitload of money dealing together, we partied hard and then went to the gym the same morning at 6 am. We woke up at noon and didn't work.

Those days are over. I'm an adult. He represented a time in my life, a phase of maturity. A crazy time, carefree, spontaneous age.

I'm sad to grow up from this. It's scary to see my life pass with Danny. It's frightening to look back and see how far away high school is becoming. It seems like yesterday I was going to night school to graduate. My first tattoo, my first car, my first apartment.

Time is crazy and in a way I'm glad he died now. These are good times coming to an end. I think everyone has grown up this week. I hope his life and death serves a purpose and I hope in some way I'll be able to contact him again.

I hope.

Well as my old buddy goku used to tell me at the barbeque, "Life is too short to have regrets" if that makes any sense.

This thread has made me shed a few tears also, especially Mojo's original post and Chrisjays post just up there. All through this entire thread i've just felt this sickening feeling in my stomach, throat, shoulders and chest, reminicing (sp?) family members that have died and the tragic though of losing anyone closer .

This is definately upsetting. Such a touching thread, I've never had the courage to go up to the casket to see any of my family members being completely lifeless, i'm not sure if I regret that or not. Times like now you realise how meaningless some problems are and just things like that.

i was hoping this would be a "bel-air" after reading some of it...



it'll take some time, but life will get better

quote:Originally posted by TheParkinator:

Well as my old buddy goku used to tell me at the barbeque, "Life is too short to have regrets" if that makes any sense.

I spent a large portion of my workday explaining this to a fellow coworker.

She was depressed, I suppose, because she hangs out with mostly males (that treat her poorly) and thinks she would like to live out the rest of her life with her boyfriend (who is actually a great guy) in seclusion.

I tend to have the emotional depth of an automaton, but here goes.

MrMojoRisin and everyone else that's lost someone close to them:

Eveyone in the world has had their heartaches. I went into detail with mine and almost posted them. But I think it's better to keep my problems to myself.

The point is that everyone loses someone important to them at some point in their life whether it's their parent or best friend. It's better to remember the good times you had with them than remember what you could have done. I remember a girl in my grade dying, and I really didn't care much because it was poptarts day (we had a 1 year grant for free breakfast at my school to see if it improved our academic preformance. It did, and when they found that out, they cancelled free breakfast, but that's a different argument and I digress. Sorry.) and I could eat as much as I wanted. It was odd because after 15 mintues or so I realized that a person I knew, a person that taught me how to double space on myspace word was currently experiencing the ever mysterious afterlife we all wonder about.

I can't imagine what you're going through because you've mentioned you were sexually intimate with him, and sex is such a vulnerable moment of bonding I, as a virgin, can't comprehend what you must feel like.

But stay optimistic, because optimimism is what keeps us operating. I personally believe in a pleasant afterlife. I suppose that your own personal beliefs will affect your reaction to your friends death, but I think (by reading your posts in the past) that you'll handle this well and you're a well balanced person.

I'm sorry you lost a friend and I know there's nothing anyone could possibly do to anull the feelings you held for him, so please treasure what you had with him and remember that. Forget about the end, think about the story.

I hope that helped. Being a drunk philosopher over the internet is hard, I suppose. Good Luck.

A friend of mine killed himself about a week before Xmas 06.

I learnt awhile ago that one of my best friends attempted suicide but someone found him before he breathed his last breath.

I'm so sorry MrMojoRisin

I can't imagine how I would handle this as a suicide. It would be much worse. This is hard, but a suicide? At least he died on impact. No time to really think about it.

I have been thinking of the good times. I made a list of all the memories I could possibly squeeze out. I've so far filled 2 pages. It's nice to look back and remember, but it's also a motherfucker to just, give it up. Set it free, so to speak.

It's really hard.

Rabid Beaver, my beliefs have helped me somewhat, but on the contrary to what you said, his death has REALLY affected, and tested, my beliefs. I have such a complex way of looking at our existence, it's been really hard to uphold my beliefs. It's hard when you don't *know*. I don't know where he is and I don't know if I'll ever see him again. The idea that he's somewhere to be found is torture. I suppose believing that he's just dead would be worse, but I just want to hug my friend!

I know I'll get over this, whatever that entails, but just like a scar, I will always have that testament to the past.

Our relationship went past sex, went past friendship. It was deep. I took my driver's test in his truck. We've spent hours on end, alone, talking, hanging out, watching movies in bed. Danny way such a social person, it was fun to kind of entertain him by myself. He always claimed he had ADD and that's why he ran around so much, but I think he's just being a sponge.

Another morning I wake up to heartache and more yearning for him to come back. Or at least, to visit me.

Again, thank you all for your condolences. It's very nice.

3 weeks ago 5 boys that went to my school died in a car accident. it was honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. 4 of them being fairly close to me. it still hurts so much, but things are getting easier. surround yourself with friends and keep busy. i can't even tell you how many movies i've watched in the past 3 weeks... just so i have something to do. i am so sorry to hear about your loss, it is such a hard thing to deal with but you can do it

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:

We've spent hours on end, alone, talking, hanging out, watching movies in bed.



*hug*

This is the kind of incident that reminds me that life is not fucking fair, and that makes me feel like my heart is getting ripped to shreds. I know that death is a part of life that everyone has to deal with, but sometimes I feel as though I will be too delicate to handle it when someone I love dies.

I'm so sorry that you lost your friend, MrMojo. I can only imagine what that might feel like, and even imagining is too much for me.