My girlfriend is not really a sexual person at all, and I don't know why. So here I am, great Totse, asking for help.

ULTIMATE ACTION HISTORY:

I have been dating this girl for 15 months. We are very much in love. She is 16 years old. We have been been doing things (such as oral and mutual maturbation) for probably 7 or 8 months now. She had never masturbated on her own before she met me, and after I showed her how once or twice, she told me that she tried two or three times but didn't get anything out of it. She isn't religious or anything, she is an atheist. She isn't shy around me. We talk about anything and everything. We haven't had sex yet and we are sort of both virgins. I say sort of because a few weeks ago we tried to have sex, but it didn't really work out. She has always told me that she didn't want my fingers to be the first part of me inside her, so even though I figured that was a bad idea, I agreed with it. Just as I expected, she was way too tight when we tried to have sex so we have been working on stretching her out since that night. That doesn't really have anything to do with the problem, though.

SUPER PROBLEM:

She is not a sexual person at all. During our entire relationship she has never once started anything sexual (other than like kissing) on her own. I have asked her to, but that doesn't help. Being a guy, I naturally have fantasies about her. One of them goes like this. We would be making out under the covers and she would climb up on top of me and keep kissing me. She would pull off both of our shirts and then say something along the lines of 'Fuck me' or 'I need you' or something like that.

Heres how it would go in real life: We would be making out and I would try to put the covers over us. She would quickly complain about how hot it was/how she can't breathe and remove them. Then I would have walk her step by step through the rest of it.

"Would you climb up on top of me?"

"Would you keep kissing me?"

"Could I/Would you take our shirts off?"

(She would probably say no to the removing of the shirts.)

"Would you like for me to do you?"

See how that is extremely less sexy? Its not that she doesn't enjoy doing sex related things, because she does. She says she does anyways. But apparently not enough to start anything sexual on her own. Its been like this our entire relationship. After our first kiss, it seriously took like 2 or 3 months to get her to kiss me on her own. We didn't make out for the first time until about 6-7 months into it.

We only do anything once or twice a week on average, and its not because we don't have the opportunity. We are completely alone 4-6 hours whenever we hang out, which is quite often. Whenever I start something, I almost always do her first. Usually she will only let me get her off once, but I have managed to talk her into three times once or twice. Then we will just sort of lay there for 20-30 minutes before I give up waiting and ask her if she will give me a blowjob/handjob. Then she lays there and thinks about it for 10 minutes or so. Whenever I ask her why she doesn't just offer after I do her, she replies, "Oh, I didn't even think about it."

If she agrees, she starts this routine that she does every single time. She will get up beside me, prop up on her elbow and kiss me for about 5 minutes while rubbing/squeezing my penis through my pants, pull of the pants, kiss me some more, then start after that. Every single time. I have asked her time and time again to change things up, to be bold and try new things, but she never does.

So last night, after telling her exactly what I told you guys about the fantasy thing and how it'd go in real life, I asked her if she was willing to try things like that on her own or would she rather me walk her through everything like that, and all she would tell me is "I don't know."

So what do I do? Tonight I am going to talk to her about it more and I would like to hear you guys' ideas as to why things are like this. Sorry this was so long, I just wanted to give you a pretty good idea of how things are. Thanks.

If sex is that awkward, just dump her ass. An intimate relationship that doesn't have good sexual chemstry is not a good relationship.

I'd like to avoid dumping her.

You can only be clear about what you want and if she doesnt take it in well tell her you are thinking about breaking up with her because it is really not working out.

It may even provoke her into being more active in bed.

quote:Originally posted by mothman13:



Here's how it would go in real life: We would be making out and I would try to put the covers over us. She would quickly complain about how hot it was/how she can't breathe and remove them.

So would I. Why the covers, btw?

quote:Originally posted by mothman13:



So last night, after telling her exactly what I told you guys about the fantasy thing and how it'd go in real life, I asked her if she was willing to try things like that on her own or would she rather me walk her through everything like that, and all she would tell me is "I don't know."

So what do I do? Tonight I am going to talk to her about it more and I would like to hear you guys' ideas as to why things are like this. Sorry this was so long, I just wanted to give you a pretty good idea of how things are. Thanks.

Jesus Christ, you mentioned it last night. Back off and let her think about it. Otherwise...you're nagging.

Do you know what it feels like to be told you're more or less boring in the sack?

quote:Originally posted by mothman13:

I'd like to avoid dumping her.

It really doesnt seem like the relationshp(well the sexual side) is much fun...

And if there isnt much of a sexual side why arnt you just friends and you can find better sex elsewhere.

[This message has been edited by nau06248 (edited 02-01-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by mothman13:

she is an atheist.

There's your problem right there. Go to church and meet a nice Christian girl. They are nasty nasty.

Maybe she has some sort of subconscious mental block about being sexual. Maybe she had a negetive sexual experience in the past, or maybe she's just very, very nervous. The point is: she is the way she is, if prompting her, telling her what to do, and straight out asking isn't working, then nothing will. Either accept that she is never going to be enthusiastic about sex, or find someone who you have a stronger sexual connection with.

quote:Originally posted by Silverfuck:

Maybe she has some sort of subconscious mental block about being sexual. Maybe she had a negetive sexual experience in the past, or maybe she's just very, very nervous. The point is: she is the way she is, if prompting her, telling her what to do, and straight out asking isn't working, then nothing will. Either accept that she is never going to be enthusiastic about sex, or find someone who you have a stronger sexual connection with.

I don't know about the subconscious block, not really any way I could prove/disprove that I think. She never had any sexual experience before me. Asking usually works, its just annoying having to ask. I guess I am probably just making to big a deal out of this.

oc6:

Covers/sheets or whatever. Thats just the way it goes in my head. Its winter, its fucking cold. She told me about two weeks ago that she was willing to try things and told me that next time we did anything 'You won't be disappointed.' She didn't really do anything differently, she just like kissed my chest and my stomach before starting. Thats a step in the right direction, I guess, but that was like a one time thing.

I understand what you're saying, but I think to bring it up again the very next night is excessive. Some people change very slowly and she is possibly one of them. Give her time to digest things...to mull things over in her mind. At least give her a couple of days or you'll possibly pressure her to the point to where she just might begin to withdraw from you, and it doesn't sound like that's what you want.

I do understand you correctly that she's still a virgin, right?

quote:Originally posted by mothman13:

She isn't religious or anything, she is an atheist.

That's the problem. God is punishing her for being an atheist by taking away her enjoyment of sex.

quote:Originally posted by oc6:

I understand what you're saying, but I think to bring it up again the very next night is excessive. Some people change very slowly and she is possibly one of them. Give her time to digest things...to mull things over in her mind. At least give her a couple of days or you'll possibly pressure her to the point to where she just might begin to withdraw from you, and it doesn't sound like that's what you want.

I do understand you correctly that she's still a virgin, right?



Depends on how you look at it. I say that we still are, but she says we aren't. I was only in her for probably less than a minute total during about a two hour time period. Tons of lube/fingering but it still didn't really work out.

How wet does she get?

She gets pretty wet pretty fast. I never have to use any lubrication when I finger her. I don't have any other girls to compare her to though, but I'd say probably about average.

Well...this is just a suggestion, but I think a lot of teasing is in order. Get things going...then stop. Do not bring her to orgasm, then see if she eventually becomes more aggressive.

It's something to try since you've already brought the subject up.

Btw, I often lose interest in sex after I've orgasmed. Maybe she does too. Try making her go last if she gets upset about being teased.

Never thought about teasing. I'll give that a shot. Thanks.

I hope it helps. I hope you'll update.

It really sucks to be told you're boring in bed.

I am going to give you some very good advice, get her to take some ecstasy, then you take some ecstasy. It will take about an hour to kick in, and if you wait for it you'll go nuts during this time, so I would recommend eating a small meal - nothing spicy or with a weird taste cause your trying to fuck, not junk food either. Once they hit, take another one, and nothing will feel awkward anymore. Trying to just sit in bed under the covers might feel to confining, and make sure the room is just a little warm because cold seems to really pierce you on x.

If you know she isn't the type of person who would be up for taking x, don't tell her it's x, just say it is an aphrodisiac or crush it up in her food or whatever. X is weird because it heightens the desire to do whatever you are currently wanting to do, which can be fuck but can also be order a pizza or run lines of pills even though you are already high and the pills are fucking up your trip...

You could also try playing music... try "If Everyone Cared" by Nickleback if you don't listen to techno.

quote:Originally posted by tibberous:

I am going to give you some very good advice, get her to take some ecstasy, then you take some ecstasy. It will take about an hour to kick in, and if you wait for it you'll go nuts during this time, so I would recommend eating a small meal - nothing spicy or with a weird taste cause your trying to fuck, not junk food either. Once they hit, take another one, and nothing will feel awkward anymore. Trying to just sit in bed under the covers might feel to confining, and make sure the room is just a little warm because cold seems to really pierce you on x.

If you know she isn't the type of person who would be up for taking x, don't tell her it's x, just say it is an aphrodisiac or crush it up in her food or whatever. X is weird because it heightens the desire to do whatever you are currently wanting to do, which can be fuck but can also be order a pizza or run lines of pills even though you are already high and the pills are fucking up your trip...

You could also try playing music... try "If Everyone Cared" by Nickleback if you don't listen to techno.



This girl wouldn't be up for anything like that. I have problems getting her to take tylenol when she has a headache. I couldn't just drug her.

quote:Originally posted by mothman13:



This girl wouldn't be up for anything like that. I have problems getting her to take tylenol when she has a headache. I couldn't just drug her.

I had a feeling...

She sounds a little bit like me. I was a bit more aggressive, but there were times early on where I just was so unsure of what to do that I was very hesitant to try some things. My boyfriend gave me erotica to read, and we watched a bit of porn. (That was before I decided I didn't like to watch porn.)

Oh, and like her I had never masturbated before I met him. He was a virgin too, yet he taught me everything...well...almost everything.

[This message has been edited by oc6 (edited 02-01-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by tibberous:



You could also try playing music... try "If Everyone Cared" by Nickleback if you don't listen to techno.

Music works for me, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't do anything for her. That first time we tried to have sex we were listening to Pink Floyd's The Division Bell and when it went off I asked her if she wanted me to change CD's and she said 'I don't care, Im not really listening to it.' So I put on some Death Cab for Cutie. She likes both of those bands, but I don't think it helped any.

quote:Originally posted by oc6:

She sounds a little bit like me. I was a bit more aggressive, but there were times early on where I just was so unsure of what to do that I was very hesitant to try some things. My boyfriend gave me erotica to read, and we watched a bit of porn. (That was before I decided I didn't like to watch porn.)

I don't know if she knows what to do. She knows what turns me on but she just never seems to use any of them unless I ask her to.

"Hey, bite my bottom lip."

Doesn't really work so much if you have to tell her to do things. She has only watched porn once, and that was with me (I hoped it would give her some idea's) but she doesn't really care for it.

Booze.

quote:Originally posted by genericwittyusername:

Booze.

She's only been drunk once, that was a couple years ago with her cousin. She told me that she regretted it and would never do it again.

Gee, you sound like such a nice guy. I think she's very lucky for you to be her first.

Maybe don't ask her for a while? I remember how I would feel put on the spot sometimes, and when asked it just wouldn't feel natural to do those things. It was usually when I felt so very close to him on an emotional level that I could open up in such a way that I would let go of my inhibitions (and I had many at the time).

Does she ask or tell you what she wants? I'm just wondering how verbal she is.

quote:Originally posted by oc6:

Gee, you sound like such a nice guy. I think she's very lucky for you to be her first.

Maybe don't ask her for a while? I remember how I would feel put on the spot sometimes, and when asked it just wouldn't feel natural to do those things. It was usually when I felt so very close to him on an emotional level that I could open up in such a way that I would let go of my inhibitions (and I had many at the time).

Does she ask or tell you what she wants? I'm just wondering how verbal she is.

Sarcasm? It's hard to tell when you just read it. If not, then thanks. I probably have been pushing it to much lately.

She doesn't really tell me what to do. I have to ask her. She will tell me when she is about to orgasm and she tells me if I do something wrong, but that is pretty much it. She doesn't make any noise during anything. And she prefers to be in the dark whenever I do anything to her. Maybe that has something to do with it?

[This message has been edited by mothman13 (edited 02-01-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by mothman13:

Thanks. I probably have been pushing it to much lately.

She doesn't really tell me what to do. I have to ask her. She will tell me when she is about to orgasm and she tells me if I do something wrong, but that is pretty much it. She doesn't make any noise during anything. And she prefers to be in the dark whenever I do anything to her. Maybe that has something to do with it?



Don't take away the darkness, but maybe some soft candlelight or lighting from outside. I'm quiet myself and generally physically guide a man more than tell him what I want. She might respond better to non-verbal cues and gentle sounds of encouragement.

I remember hours of lying naked just touching each other as we learned about each others bodies. I loved to slowling glide my hand over his body in such a way that I would not only notice how his body felt to the touch, but the very subtle responses he had to my touch as well.

I think people get in such a hurry that they don't take the time to do that. Slowness can have a strong erotic impact for some people.

At least she's not as shy as I was. You've got that going for you because I was very very shy and self conscious. But that very self consciousness also enabled me to be acutely aware of a lot of things about his body too.

She just might lean more toward the gentle erotic sort than the hot fuck me type of girl. I can't say for sure, you would be able to be a better judge of that.

She might just be painfully shy when it comes to sexual things. I'm 20 years old, and I only just started to make the first move. I was in a two year relationship, and I seriously only initiated things a few times. It's not that I didn't want sex, or didn't enjoy it, it's just that for some reason it really really embarassed me to make the first move. Almost like my boyfriend would think I was slutty if I did.

I know that's ridiculous and untrue, but it took me a very long time to get over my fear of iniating anything sexual. My current boyfriend was finally able to open me up sexually, and now I have no fear whatsoever.

So if you think her problem is the same as mine, maybe you could just say to her "You never have to be shy in front of me. I love you, and I would never judge you for expressing your desires" or something like that.

Good luck!

have you ever seen Arrested Development?

are you sure shes not an MRF?

quote:Originally posted by psychic tv:

have you ever seen Arrested Development?

are you sure shes not an MRF?



Never seen it, no idea what an MRF is.

[This message has been edited by mothman13 (edited 02-02-2007).]

Shy she may be, but there's a difference between being shy and doing absolutely nothing to please your partner.



I know sex isnt everything to a relationship,but she sounds so dull and slow and...emotionless in a way.

I'd have probably dumped her and told her she was fat by now. But then I'm in a mysogynistic foul bad temper so.

The only solution is to kill her. SO the next guy doesnt have to go through that agony.

Some people just aren't that sexual. Myself for example, and I'm a guy. I'm just as content having conversation or cuddling as to having sex. I don't know what it is, but everyones brains are wired differently.

watch a porn video with her and get her real hyped or sumthing.

I like the way he's talking about a 15 month relationship, and the first response is "Dump her ass"

Some people are just fucking retarded. a 15 month relationship is worth working your way around the problem, not just ending it.

Hey dude, pretty much the same situation as you were in, long term relationship, seeming lack of interest. Don't worry after sex it all changes trust me

quote:Originally posted by Silverfuck:

Maybe she has some sort of subconscious mental block about being sexual. Maybe she had a negetive sexual experience in the past, or maybe she's just very, very nervous. The point is: she is the way she is, if prompting her, telling her what to do, and straight out asking isn't working, then nothing will. Either accept that she is never going to be enthusiastic about sex, or find someone who you have a stronger sexual connection with.

Threads like these make me feel even luckier than when all my friends call me lucky cause I get head or sex on a 2 or 3 times weekly basis. Sometimes more. starting about 1 1/2 months from jan 6th 06