I have this tendency to just completely give up when I get in a fight with a boyfriend. It's not that I don't want to work it out, but just... I dunno.

He and I were talking about cheating last night. He knows I cheated on a guy once, in one of those pointless 2 week high school relationships. Big fucking deal. Guy deserved it anyway... fucking creeper. But apparently my boyfriend conveniently "forgot" that I'd told him this story, and I guess when I said the guy deserved it, it struck a nerve, since he'd been told that before.

So he said "that's really disappointing." And I don't know why, but I've never been so mad at anyone in my life. Ever. He also said "once a cheater, always a cheater" and then gave me this weird look.

I couldn't look at him for a while after that, then we were fighting all night, him apologizing and me freaking out in my wine & valium induced stupor.

Anyway. This is my question. How do you guys deal with fights? Do you walk away? Scream at eachother? Don't talk for a few days? Or do you abandon the relationship as soon as a fight occurs? That's what I've done in the past. I've been trying not to lately, but it's hard, when I know if I stay it'll just happen all over again in a few weeks.

BAH. I am so not good at coping. I've already polished off another half a bottle of wine and I've only been up for 2 hours...

take it easy. relationships dont always see eye to eye, but communication matters, if one of you were to repress all of your emotions, one of you will be really disappointed. It'll probably lead to more cheating. And girls call guys dogs, see, even girls cheat. We all have our reasons.

I didn't cheat on him. I would never cheat on him. But I guess he thinks I would. No matter how many times he says he trusts me and whatnot, I never really believe him.

How do you know it'll happen again in a few weeks? Try talking to him, if you care.

I don't mind fights; conflict doesn't bother me. I don't like to give up, and there are always other options.

Not talking and communicating does bother me; it is possible to communicate without talking. It creates doubts.

I've never thrown away anything over something that someone did in the past. As long as there isn't a serious impact, on the present and for the future, then there isn't an issue.

Big D, you have to trust in the fact that he cares and trusts you.

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

How do you know it'll happen again in a few weeks? Try talking to him, if you care.

I don't mind fights; conflict doesn't bother me. I don't like to give up, and there are always other options.

Not talking and communicating does bother me; it is possible to communicate without talking. It creates doubts.

I've never thrown away anything over something that someone did in the past. As long as there isn't a serious impact, on the present and for the future, then there isn't an issue.

I know it'll happen again because it always happens again. The last fight we got into, the really really bad one, I told him I'm not going through that again. Lasted like... 2 months, maybe.

He claims the past doesn't affect the present, but it obviously does. I don't know if I can deal with his jealous shit. And when he tells me what an asshole he used to be and how he never really cared about his other girlfriends, then goes on to say he's been cheated on twice and the reminder is like a kick in the balls... anyone else see a contradiction there?

Edit: Euda if I must have a nickname could it be Little D? Because I'm little...

[This message has been edited by Demoiselle (edited 01-28-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

Big D, you have to trust in the fact that he cares and trusts you.

good...god...

Alright, Lil' D it is then.

Want me to set you up with someone cool?

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

Alright, Lil' D it is then.

Want me to set you up with someone cool?

Internet set-up? Eeep. I'm definitely not ready for that. Thanks for the thought though.

I hate arguing.

If a conversation is heading in the direction of an argument, try to keep the situation calm.

Respect his oppinions (even if you secretly think they're shit) and tell him that you can understand what he's saying, but you beleive that.ect..

Also, never try to imply that you're smarter than him,even if you are. He'll hate that.

Try to veer it away from argument and make it into a discussion. I know that's harder than it sounds but.

On topic, I probably wouldnt have forgiven him for saying something so blatantly like "you're a whore. You're obviously going to fuck every other man in this city."

If he's that ignorant.. is he worth bothering with?



I've done some bad things in my past, never as bad as cheating, but some bad things, and I hope that my boyfriend would never be as stupid or unpleasant as to try to imply that I'd still do any of that shit. And if he did, he'd get a smack in the face.

Tell him "That was a really inappropriate thing to say and completely unneccesary. I was young and I regret doing it, and I would never cheat on you."

Seriously, just act like an adult. And stop drinking so much.

quote:Originally posted by HARDMAN:

Tell him "That was a really inappropriate thing to say and completely unneccesary. I was young and I regret doing it, and I would never cheat on you."

Seriously, just act like an adult. And stop drinking so much.

I pretty much told him just that, just a slight variation.

And I don't really drink that much. I go through phases. This appears to be the beginning of one of those phases. I don't drink til I black out or anything stupid like that. I just consistently have a glass of wine in hand.

That's not the problem though. I don't know what the problem is anymore. Bah.

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

Respect his oppinions (even if you secretly think they're shit) and tell him that you can understand what he's saying, but you beleive that.ect..

Also, never try to imply that you're smarter than him,even if you are. He'll hate that.

Try to veer it away from argument and make it into a discussion. I know that's harder than it sounds but.

Patronize him and be fake? That doesn't accomplish anything but allowing a problem to fester without his knowledge.

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

Patronize him and be fake? That doesn't accomplish anything but allowing a problem to fester without his knowledge.

Wow, you must be pretty fucked up if you think respecting a guys oppinion is patronising, and pretty vapid if you think it's 'fake' to not want to cause a fight over something stupid and insignificant.

It's not like I'd agree with his every word, but there's ways of voicing your own oppinions without causing a whole storm of shit.

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:

I have this tendency to just completely give up when I get in a fight with a boyfriend. It's not that I don't want to work it out, but just... I dunno.

He and I were talking about cheating last night. He knows I cheated on a guy once, in one of those pointless 2 week high school relationships. Big fucking deal. Guy deserved it anyway... fucking creeper. But apparently my boyfriend conveniently "forgot" that I'd told him this story, and I guess when I said the guy deserved it, it struck a nerve, since he'd been told that before.

So he said "that's really disappointing." And I don't know why, but I've never been so mad at anyone in my life. Ever. He also said "once a cheater, always a cheater" and then gave me this weird look.

I couldn't look at him for a while after that, then we were fighting all night, him apologizing and me freaking out in my wine & valium induced stupor.

Anyway. This is my question. How do you guys deal with fights? Do you walk away? Scream at eachother? Don't talk for a few days? Or do you abandon the relationship as soon as a fight occurs? That's what I've done in the past. I've been trying not to lately, but it's hard, when I know if I stay it'll just happen all over again in a few weeks.

BAH. I am so not good at coping. I've already polished off another half a bottle of wine and I've only been up for 2 hours...

Lol, sounds like you are the one causing the fucking drama. You said something bitchy, you hurt the guy's feelings and are trying to make it seem like it is his fault. Why the fuck are you mad? Probably because you know you were in the wrong for saying something fucked up.

Apologize and be done with it, or you can break up. Which sounds more appealing? Since you are probably too fucking weak to be alone anyways.

I'm not much for arguing. I've found that the best thing is to make your point and leave it at that. Discussion done.

That said...if you ditch and run just because of an arguement, then the relationship isn't an important one to you.

I can't "solve" your problems over the Internet, but there is a technique that really works if you are willing to give it a shot.

Lesson One: Arguments (fights) will happen. The frequency and intensity may differ, but conflict is part of human nature. Only if you live a fake life (appeasement) and avoid the sensitive issues, you might co-exist peacefully - but then again the frustration will build up on the inside. So bottom line, take fights into your stride. It is something you have to deal with, not run away.

Lesson Two: After the initial exchange or words, slurs, curses, punches, kicks... when the dust settles - Ask yourself: Do you WANT to solve this one or no? If the answer is "Yes", go to Lesson Three. Otherwise, screw it

Lesson Three: On a piece of paper, write down... What happened, why it was wrong from your viewpoint, how you want him to rectify it, and what you are willing to do in return.

Let your mate read it and absorb it. Give him enough time to reply to it in a similar manner. Most probably, after you both have exchanged your 'war-diaries', things will be clearer, calmer, and definitely on the positive foot.

This works between my wife and me. Although we go through it verbally, because we are so good at making up

quote:Originally posted by Zodiac228:



Lesson Two: After the initial exchange or words, slurs, curses, punches, kicks...

I've never had that kind of arguement with anyone.

quote:Originally posted by CarbonB:

Lol, sounds like you are the one causing the fucking drama. You said something bitchy, you hurt the guy's feelings and are trying to make it seem like it is his fault. Why the fuck are you mad? Probably because you know you were in the wrong for saying something fucked up.

Apologize and be done with it, or you can break up. Which sounds more appealing? Since you are probably too fucking weak to be alone anyways.

What did I say that was bitchy and fucked up? That a guy that I dated 4 years ago for about 5 minutes deserved to be cheated on because he was turning into a creepy stalker and wouldn't have left me alone otherwise? All I said was the guy deserved it. That's what pissed off my boyfriend.

What am I supposed to apologize for?

And I'm definitely not too weak to be alone. But I doubt there's any use in trying to justify that to you, so I'll just let it be.

Never tell a guy your dating that another guy you dated deserved to be cheated on. Having been cheated on I know that. I can't explain it to you but once it has happened to you, you will know why it fucking sucks to be cheated on by someone you love, and they supposedly love you. I hope for your sake you don't know what it feels like.

So things I've noticed, why you were "bitchy." He has been cheated on TWICE from what you said. Then you said you knowingly cheated on an ex. The goal in that situation was to cheat on your ex. So you can write off his being "jealous," which if fucking isn't, right there. He isn't fucking jealous, sorry to burst your bubble. Its called concern, he obviously loves you enough to be concerned and would be crushed if you cheated on him.

He is going to be sad until it isn't in his mind anymore. Could be a day, a week or a month. If you love him you'll stick it out and make him feel good and tell you him you love him and that you couldn't live without him, unless you can then don't lie. Don't straight out say sorry, that won't make him believe any more than he is right now. Make him feel special every day. Don't bring it up again unless he asks. Unless he wants to talk about it that is, ask him if he wants to talk about it. So when you next see him say like, "hey I'm sorry I upset you <insert date>, if you want to talk about it or have something clarified you can ask. I love you so much and I don't want to lose you." Or something along that line.

It'll work itself out. Just be patient my little drunk.

quote:Originally posted by Refacull18:

Never tell a guy your dating that another guy you dated deserved to be cheated on. Having been cheated on I know that. I can't explain it to you but once it has happened to you, you will know why it fucking sucks to be cheated on by someone you love, and they supposedly love you. I hope for your sake you don't know what it feels like.



I know what it feels like. The guy that cheated on me did it with the girl he broke up with for me. And how did I find out? His best friend, and the girls best friend. Fucked up.

Edit: And when did I say my boyfriend was jealous?



[This message has been edited by Demoiselle (edited 01-29-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:

Guy deserved it anyway... fucking creeper.



Bullshit. You're just trying to justify your cheap actions.

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:

So he said "that's really disappointing." And I don't know why, but I've never been so mad at anyone in my life. Ever. He also said "once a cheater, always a cheater" and then gave me this weird look.



That's what my reaction would be. They'd always be that seed of doubt.

I really enjoy arguing, so fighting occasionally really helps keep things fresh for me.

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:

What did I say that was bitchy and fucked up? That a guy that I dated 4 years ago for about 5 minutes deserved to be cheated on because he was turning into a creepy stalker and wouldn't have left me alone otherwise? All I said was the guy deserved it. That's what pissed off my boyfriend.

What am I supposed to apologize for?

And I'm definitely not too weak to be alone. But I doubt there's any use in trying to justify that to you, so I'll just let it be.



You are a fucking moron. You saw what your boyfriend's reaction was to what you said. He got pissed off, are you so fucking immature that you can't apologize for what you said?

I guess you don't understand the mentality that some guys can get from meeting bitches like yourself. Let me just reference firekitty's thread about how men treat women poorly. This is why, you expect us to apologize and be wrapped around your finger, but when it comes time for you to apologize?

And if you don't see what you need to apologize for then you deserve to be fucking dick slapped.

Carbon, to be fair, my post was only about specific people. Not all men are like that, thank god. I was shocked that they did act that way.

quote:Originally posted by CarbonB:

You are a fucking moron. You saw what your boyfriend's reaction was to what you said. He got pissed off, are you so fucking immature that you can't apologize for what you said?

I guess you don't understand the mentality that some guys can get from meeting bitches like yourself. Let me just reference firekitty's thread about how men treat women poorly. This is why, you expect us to apologize and be wrapped around your finger, but when it comes time for you to apologize?

And if you don't see what you need to apologize for then you deserve to be fucking dick slapped.

I see your point. And I did apologize this morning. I still don't think he was justified in judging me like that though. He could have approached it differently. But I guess sometimes you can't control an impulse.

quote:Originally posted by Demoiselle:

That a guy that I dated 4 years ago for about 5 minutes deserved to be cheated on because he was turning into a creepy stalker and wouldn't have left me alone otherwise? All I said was the guy deserved it. That's what pissed off my boyfriend.

Yeah I'm sure you had to cheat on him for him to leave you alone. You couldn't say it's over first. Would have been a waste of time to try. And the guy was a creep anyway, he deserv.. Oh wait, noone believes your shit. You're just a cockhungry whore who justifies shit like that so you don't need to feel guilty. Wonder how long till the current guy is deemed "deserving" to be cheated on. Go fellate a roll of barbed wire and get aids

quote:Originally posted by Pilsu:

Yeah I'm sure you had to cheat on him for him to leave you alone. You couldn't say it's over first. Would have been a waste of time to try. And the guy was a creep anyway, he deserv.. Oh wait, noone believes your shit. You're just a cockhungry whore who justifies shit like that so you don't need to feel guilty. Wonder how long till the current guy is deemed "deserving" to be cheated on. Go fellate a roll of barbed wire and get aids

You don't believe people change, hey? If now, at 19, I was still the same person I was at 15, that'd be very, very sad. If I ever cheated on my current boyfriend, I'd be the scum of the earth.

Grand 4 years, impressive. I'm sure you've changed profoundly as far as your morals go

quote:Originally posted by Pilsu:

Grand 4 years, impressive. I'm sure you've changed profoundly as far as your morals go

Not sure if that's sarcasm or not, but yes, my morals have changed. I never was one of those sex-crazed, partying, immature, slutty girls either. Yeah I made mistakes, but I watched most of the people around me do a lot worse.

So you cheat on someone, rather than doin the regular thing and just going for a split. Then you tell the person you're going out with that you've cheated before, and that you think the person deserved it. Add to this your guy's been cheated on in the past. So why are you surprised at his reaction?

You've dug yourself a pretty decent sized hole without a lot of effort. Why shouldn't he have judged you?

Get off her back, something you did when you were 15 does not reflect you for the rest of your life.

You have to respect each other, not just repeatedly try to validate your own point. You both feel justified in being angry at each other but suck it up. If you actually care about each other you'll get over the judgement. Just make sure he knows that you respect him and care about him enough that you would never dream of doing something to hurt him and he needs to let you know that he trusts you enough not to judge things you've done in the past. Otherwise, why would you be together now?