Now before you knock me for posting this topic in this forum, it IS called Sex & AFFETION.

So, the father of an ex-friend of mine passed away earlier today of cancer. Wednesday I'll be attending the viewing, and Thursday the actual funeral and a reception of sorts.

My problem is, I don't know what to do.

How do I approach these people? What do I talk about? Would it be appropriate to ask "How's it going?" or something like that?

Also, this ex-friend of mine and I haven't talked in a few years and there's been quite a bit of animosity between us. Am I expected to do the whole put-my-arm-around-him-and-comfort-him thing, or is it okay if I stay distant?

I'm really anxious about this, so any advice or stories of your experiences would be great. This is an akward subject, so thank you in advance for anything you can provide.

If he's an Ex-friend how did you get invited? Do you guys actually not like each other?

If not then yeah just put your arm around him and say sorry for his loss. etc.

This thread belongs here so no worries.

As to the question, fuck knows. In 38 years I have always somehow managed to avoid ever going to a funeral.

Which is strange considering...

Sorry not much help.

Weird, I was thinking about posting a topic simialr to this one, just last nite. People attend funerals to show their sympathy for the relatives of the recently deceased. You should ignore the rift between you and your friend, and you should be there to comfort him, not to play interpersonal politics during his time of loss.

You should pay your respects regardless. Funerals are no place for old grudges. And like Atticus_Ellis said, how come you're invited if he's your "ex" friend?

In response to all the "How did you get invited?" questions.

His mother and my mother have been friends since they were 20. He was born a few months before me. Then I was born. We've been friends ever since. We went to the same school for ten years, and I would consider him to be my best friend for the good majority of them.

My entire family has been invited, since his and mine are all so close.

Really this could be equated to one family in which there was a death and we're just two cousins that haven't talked in a while.

If you're not friends anymore it would be kind of rude to come to the viewing. Seeing you might piss him off when he's already grieving.

Otherwise, here's an example of what not to do.: A friend of mine had just died of a heroin overdose. She was the lead singer of a popular local band and they completely closed down The Cherry for her memorial (which was attended by about everyone who mattered in the Bay Area). Anyways, I was sitting at the bar, feeling pretty sad and drinking a whole lot when this pretty attractive guy sat down next to me and started talking to me. I was kind of drunk and happy to be talking to someone so I was laughing and flirting a little. Then I offered to buy him a drink and say

"May be we should exchange numbers." Because he had mentioned looking for practice spaces and I have a good practice space. Anyways, he looks at me shocked and says

"You do know we're at a memorial. For our friend." Then he shakes his head and walks away. I was mortified. He totally thought I was making a pass at him.

Don't do that.

Cheers,

Lost

I personally would forget the arm thing. Since you're not really buddy-buddy anymore, but are enough of a friend to attend the funeral and so forth, I'd say go with polite but distant - sorry for your loss, if I can do anything let me know, goodbye.

quote:Originally posted by LostCause:

If you're not friends anymore it would be kind of rude to come to the viewing. Seeing you might piss him off when he's already grieving.



Well, his father was in a hospice and I came by to see the family. We kind of gave an attempt at idle talk.

Nothing is very angry anymore, just akward.

The last funeral I went to I took 2 valiums beforehand, and I still ended up wailing the entire time. My mom's best friend's 20 year old daughter was killed by a hit and run drunk driver, so it was pretty fucking tragic. Just knowing that their baby girl's dead, broken body was in that box made me lose it.

OP, just be polite. "I'm so sorry for your loss" should be sufficient.

Show up drunk.

like Jack i never went to a funeral.

but i would just shut the hell up and watch what's going on if i was in your situation.

quote:Originally posted by Cboys:

Show up drunk.

My late Grandmother didn't appreciate that.

I've been to..a few funerals in my time.



To be honest, it gets very tiring when people come up with false fake lines like "I'm so sorry for your loss". It's all bullshit. Whilst I am sure they feel bad for me and do sympathise, saying "I'm sorry" is very tiresome, especially as they're waiting for you to say "thankyou.".

I'd also skip on the "But I'm sure he died happy and not in pain..." bit.

If you even get a chance to get near to the mourning person if they're not totaly swamped by people oozing their "he was such a wonderfull person.." and "he's with god now.." crap, a simple hug, perhaps a kiss on the cheek would suffice.



If it's a compulsory funeral you have to attend, ie someone you've cared for or such, do try not to giggle when person after person clambers to the podium to recite "a little poem I made for mam"..

I disagree with everyone else on this one.

BEFORE the funeral you need to somehow get word to him through a third party that you want to attend. If he is receptive to you being there, then attend and let whatever chips fall where they may. If he does NOT wish you to be there, respect the wishes that it is HIS father and let him have his day of grief with his family. No matter how close you were to the person that died, he has rank over you in such a matter. Going in you honestly don't know how his feelings are towards you. If he still does have a grudge and you would be the last person he would want to see, you could just make a very bad day worse. Whatever your past grudge is and no matter who was right or wrong, it is completely irrelevant in regards to this. Don't just show up and let him "deal with it". When someone just lost a loved one there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel or act. Respect his wishes and base your attendance/demeanor on whatever info the third party gives you....BEFORE the day of the funeral.

I dont like funerals, I guess it's a nervous reaction, because when I get close to the body or have the body in view, I get a bad case of the giggles and hysterical laughter.So dont laugh.

I just actually went to a funeral, and it was my first. As family, you'll stand somewhere close to the casket and greet the non-family guests. Its pretty easy, but I felt like a fool standing there greeting people I didnt know. Most of the time I just said my name and my relation to the deceased and maybe threw in an extraneous comment, but most of the time you're the one being talked to. Hope it helps.

I've been to quite a few funerals these past few years, all moderately close family but I'm sure you'll pick up the etiquete (sp?). Just be there for him, he'll understand and appreciate that you made the effort, apologise for his loss or something along the lines of that and leave it at that. Refrain from the arm thing, unless you think its a good idea at the time.

quote:Originally posted by Too Much Ibuprofen:

Well, his father was in a hospice and I came by to see the family. We kind of gave an attempt at idle talk.

Nothing is very angry anymore, just akward.

quote:Originally posted by Cboys:

Show up drunk.



what the fuck im dissapointd in you people this is totse not fucking little bitches online fuck that shit with the exception of he quoed post you are all pathetic my opinion show up drunk be loud and obnoxious step in dogshit and track it inside tip over the mother fuckers casket slap that little bitch and tell him to stop crying and pretty much just improv from there makeit fun fuck it isnt your funeral why should you be unhappy

quote:Originally posted by buddha:



what the fuck im dissapointd in you people this is totse not fucking little bitches online fuck that shit with the exception of he quoed post you are all pathetic my opinion show up drunk be loud and obnoxious step in dogshit and track it inside tip over the mother fuckers casket slap that little bitch and tell him to stop crying and pretty much just improv from there makeit fun fuck it isnt your funeral why should you be unhappy

Haha, it's so easy to see who's gone through puberty and who hasn't.

thats so funny since id be willing to bet im older than you

i just got back from a funderal an hour ago.

Just be respectful. Don't bring up anything from the past - its a day to farewell his father, and that's what you're there for.

I see no problem in you going, espeically if you're a close family friend and you were invited by the widow.

I think a simple 'sorry for your loss' type thing would be appropiate given your situation. Ignoring him wouldn't be a good idea IMO.

quote:Originally posted by just a name:

People attend funerals to show their sympathy for the relatives of the recently deceased.

I always thought it was just to honor the dead. If you're really struggling you could just remain off by yourself looking sad and deep in thought.

They will just assume you two were close and think no less of you for not wanting to socialize.

quote:Originally posted by LostCause:

If you're not friends anymore it would be kind of rude to come to the viewing. Seeing you might piss him off when he's already grieving.

Otherwise, here's an example of what not to do.: A friend of mine had just died of a heroin overdose. She was the lead singer of a popular local band and they completely closed down The Cherry for her memorial (which was attended by about everyone who mattered in the Bay Area). Anyways, I was sitting at the bar, feeling pretty sad and drinking a whole lot when this pretty attractive guy sat down next to me and started talking to me. I was kind of drunk and happy to be talking to someone so I was laughing and flirting a little. Then I offered to buy him a drink and say

"May be we should exchange numbers." Because he had mentioned looking for practice spaces and I have a good practice space. Anyways, he looks at me shocked and says

"You do know we're at a memorial. For our friend." Then he shakes his head and walks away. I was mortified. He totally thought I was making a pass at him.

Don't do that.

Cheers,

Lost

you live in the bay area?

quote:Originally posted by buddha:

thats so funny since id be willing to bet im older than you

Very, very doubtfull. And if you *are* older than him, considering your mindset and seeming illiteracy, it isnt anything to brag about!

quote:Originally posted by buddha:



what the fuck im dissapointd in you people this is totse not fucking little bitches online fuck that shit with the exception of he quoed post you are all pathetic my opinion show up drunk be loud and obnoxious step in dogshit and track it inside tip over the mother fuckers casket slap that little bitch and tell him to stop crying and pretty much just improv from there makeit fun fuck it isnt your funeral why should you be unhappy

Coming from a guy called buddha...

I've only been too one funeral and the dead guys wife wasn't upset, she was laughing and giggling the whole time. Few weeks later she was fucking some other guy and she'd moved him into the house.

I've only been to two funerals. One was my great-grandmother's when I was about five years old, and the other one was my friend's dad who died of AIDS. I only met him once, I was just there to provide support for my friend.

As to your question, just tell him that you're sorry for his loss and that if he needs anything let you know. Let him take it from there, if he wants to.

quote:Originally posted by buddha:



what the fuck im dissapointd in you people this is totse not fucking little bitches online fuck that shit with the exception of he quoed post you are all pathetic my opinion show up drunk be loud and obnoxious step in dogshit and track it inside tip over the mother fuckers casket slap that little bitch and tell him to stop crying and pretty much just improv from there makeit fun fuck it isnt your funeral why should you be unhappy

I hate you.

And everybody who has actually answered seriously, thank you very much. Hearing all the consistent responses has quelled a good deal of my nervousness.

Cry.

Cry lots.

I hate funerals, and I've only been to one.

quote:Originally posted by Too Much Ibuprofen:

I hate you.

And everybody who has actually answered seriously, thank you very much. Hearing all the consistent responses has quelled a good deal of my nervousness.



You seem like you're head is in the right place, so I'd suggest you'll do fine. Just don't say anything inflammatory and you'll get through it.