Short Question: Has stress or preoccupation ever smothered your sex drive, or made it difficult for you to become turned on?

Longer Story, more in-depth:

Edit: I realize this story is long, but it does get to a point, and possibly could stir a debate, or even stem a variety of stories from other readers--which I'd be more than happy to return the favor of reading. It calls for advice, understanding, and a bit of thought. I edited it a few times to keep it clear. I appreciate anyone's views on this subject.

Well, this weekend has by far been one of my most stressful weekends in a while. My mother returned from Tennessee to visit my family, after 7 months of "intensive outpatient" recovery from a heroin/opiate addiction.

I live with my father, and his new family, which includes 2 step sisters, 1 step brother, my blood brother, my blood sister, my father, step-mother, and myself.

Due to the grudge still held by my father for my mother's previous mistakes(and despite her best, and finally successful attempts to get over her addiction), my father laid me with the burden that my 6 year-old sister could not spend a waking(nor sleeping) moment with my mother and grandparents, without my supervision.

I accepted this burden, because.. well.. I love my family. I love my mother, and I forgive her for her for all the mistakes she's made(but emotions do get stirred when I talk to her, and see her). I love my brother, who's 17 and also very hurt by this tension built between each side of the family. I love my sister, who's sweet innocence and unconditional love for my mother makes her cry every night for her to come back to Ohio.

I've also recently quit marijuana, after 5 years of chronic usage(smoking in the morning, afternoon, and night, daily.) It's been great--the energy.. the clear mindedness..the motivation.. the dreams(which feed my motivation and energy).. full emotions..everything that quitting can give you; I've already started to reap the benefits of. At the same time, I'm sure my mind's not completely back to it's "origninal" state, and the dopamine that I've been controlling by the use is not flowing as regularly as it could be. This means I've had my ups and downs. I'm finally experiencing a full spectrum of emotion.

--I'll interject myself here, and say "don't get me wrong" I love weed, but at this crucial point in life, it's not what I need, and especially at the pace I was going at(constantly high, or trying to be).

I'm also a full time college student, and my brother is a 17(soon to be 18) year old highschool student. About two weeks ago, my father decided it'd be best if my BROTHER left when he turned 18. I'll say again--my brother, who needs the most fatherly guidance of all- is being kicked out of the house.

While I, his (previously) unmotivated, lazy brother am allowed to stay.

Well, my brother's been through everything with me--since the day my father left the house, and since my mother stopped comming home, and left us to run the house. All the while she became addicted to opiates(from her medication), after a 7 car pile up on the highway, causing multiple chronic progressive(it'll always get worse, never better) back and neck injuries. This has put her in immense pain for years, and I've watched the disease(addiction) slowly grow. There's so much more to speak of--but I'm trying to keep this short for the average TOTSE reader's sake.

I told my father I could never leave my brother's side. He's my best friend, and his life would be ruined if I didn't stick by him, making sure he finished up one more year of highschool(he's a junior, currently). I started looking for apartments, getting jobs.. everything I can do to make sure we're successful when we move out together, so that we don't both end up homeless, and so that we both continue to go to school and make something of ourselves one day.

I am almost taking on a father-role for my brother, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to put us in a stable, comforting home. I'm tired of being rocked around, house to house, never staying long enough to become comfortable. I need this too- as I've always been independent, but still dependent enough that I haven't had a reason to completely get "everything" together(job wise) to be by myself. I guess you could say, I was trying to make up for the lost years(freshman year of highschool till freshman year of college), about 4 years of time with no father, no parental guidance or supervision. I wanted to get the last steps to becomming a man. I realize now I know what it takes, but I have never had the reason. Now, I do. It's my brother.. and making sure he's okay. That's my number one duty.



And finally, a day after I decided to quit pot, I met the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful.. perfect girl. She's everything that I've been looking for, and I'm head-over-heels about her. We first started to hang around eachother last saturday, and it is now sunday, making it a full 8 days that we spent together, straight. I haven't gotten too much of her, but she's been patiently attending my family events with me, and I've strived to do the same(such as going to eat with her parents, going to her cousin's birthday). We may both be clung to eachother, but what do you expect when two people totally fall for eachother? I'm planning on giving her space, because relationships both need space and closeness, in moderation.

So, I'm finally to the point of the thread, and if you've read this far--thank you, I appreciate it. I'm both sexually, and emotionally attracted to this girl, and I told her I'd like to take the sexual side of our relationship slow, to show her not all guys 'use' women. As a background, her past few boyfriends have all used her, and I was so disgusted by that fact when she told me, I set out to prove to her there are men out there that will treat her with respect, dignity, and love. I've done just that.

Since she came into my life at such a busy point, our time together is always limited, with me either having to take my sister around to see my mother and grandparents, or us doing her families things, or sometimes us just getting out to spend some time with our friends(which cross groups, so it works out perfectly). But we never get much 'private time', and I realize it's only been a week, but I'd say that the majority of time has been spent with others. This is totally fine, but every couple needs some time alone to get used to eachother. I picked her up one morning very early, just so that we could come back to my house, and cuddle with eachother for a few hours before she went to work , and I went to do my family activities(and with that, responsibility for my sister). It was amazing, when I fell asleep I felt as if someone knocked me out with a sledgehammer, and I drempty wildly, ans slept more sound than I have in.. a very long time. We eventually awoke and had a very passionate session, where our bodies quivered as we held eachother, deep kisses, loving rubbing. But I stayed to my word, and we kept it "slow". Basically, there was a little dry-sex, some touching "upstairs" and the works. It was amazing.. I felt even moreso physically attracted to her.. even wanting to tell her I was falling in love with her. But I held my tongue, as I know how powerful and important the world "love" is to me, and hopefully to her.

So we ended up getting together later that day, and by the time we were done with her family's activities, I was exhausted; physically and mentally. I had even chugged a "Full Throttle" energy drink before heading to her family's get together- so I didn't seem as a lame, quiet type.. that being tired can make someone look as. I wanted to make a good impression, and I did.

I need to add this, the Full Throttle, mixed with ice cream, cake, and all that stress, had my stomach churning by the time we got back, and I even went upstairs quickly to try to shit out anything that would make me feel all sick while we layed and watched a movie. I had 'crashed' from the rush of caffine earlier, so I was even moreso tired than before.

We went back to my house, and put on Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. One of my all time favorite movies, which makes me crack up at almost every line--watching or just listening. So.. one thing led to another and I could tell she was horny--she wanted what we shared the morning before. I kissed her, and it was still passionate, but I just didn't have the energy.. the sex drive if you will, to do more of that, that night. Also, while we kissed, I found myself stopping to laugh almost every minute, which really killed the 'moment'.

So, here's the end. I'll thank the reader who stayed with me.. as I'm looking for advice, or even a bit of comfort, or a story of their own, to relate to what happened to me after. So I would get a bit hard- but never all the way. I just couldnt get "into it" and I felt as if I were letting her down.. making her think I wasn't attracted to her. And I was, because her body on mine was the only thing turning me on in the least, I was just too distracted mentally. I couldn't even think about kissing her, I found my mind wandering as we did so. So, I didn't end up really getting it up to "full staff", and I felt as if I embarrassed her. I still kissed her because I still wanted to.. but I didn't want all the sexual stuff, but instead just the company of her and the emotion that was transmuted by our deep kissing.

Is that odd? A guy not having a sex drive? Earlier that morning, I was a wild stallion. That night, I was a lame donkey. I feel that she got the wrong idea, and I do plan on talking to her about it when we get an alone moment, but that's not the question.

My question is.. have any of you (guys, or girls) ever been so preoccupied, or so stressed by everything in life--that you couldn't even enjoy a few minutes of sexual activity?

The nervousness fed itself, and I found myself just worrying completely about the fact I wasn't getting hard, than anything else. When I woke up, it was on my mind. I'm just afraid of it happening again, because I didn't expect it to happen the first time. Any advice? Any comments? I'm open to hear anything..

P.S - This is my first thread in S&A, so I'm sorry for the length. I felt that if I were to ask for advice, I needed to put in everything leading up to this point , so I could get a more accurate story out, and therefore more concise responses. I left out other small-time stress factors(money and debt, school(assignments), and unfinished tasks around the house). If I put that all in, it'd be another few paragraphs wrong. Just get the idea that there's ALOT going on, and since I quit pot--I'm whittling at it , day by day.



[This message has been edited by truorion (edited 01-22-2007).]

just stop being stressed

Easier said than done. Did you even read the post? That's why I put it into a story, so that you could understand why I'm stressed. It comes when theres alot of demands to be met, without the time to accomplish them all. Life's demanding.

um didn't read all that but i used to whack it twice daily and now i'm lucky if i do it that much in a week because i have so much stress.

It seems to affect my girlfriend's sex drive quite a lot. She's a fairly stressed person, and most nights she won't be able to get into things.

Plus the fact that she doesn't like the feel of condoms - I didn't think females could tell the difference?

When i'm completely stressed my sex drive is none existant.

People have different ways of coping with stress.

Especially sexually.

But usually you find that you have your two extremes. Your sex drive will either go down due to preocupation with other thoughts, or it will sky rocket due to you attempts to get you rmind of said stress. I'm the former, I have alot more sex when I'm stressed out. And I do alot of high stress work. So I require alot of sex.

Yes it is normal.

Yes it does go away.

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: Magic eightball says tldr

Thanks for the responses guys, I know the post was very long, so thats why I just put the "short question" up there.

I only felt that also telling the whole,complete story could help aid you readers into understanding just how stressed I am, and on a scale of 1-10, I'd say a 8, or 9. 10 being like the death of an immediate family member.

Thanks a ton, and I'm still open to hear more-if anyone's willing.

its ok. things like this happen to a lot of people. just make sure she know that you just have a lot on you plate right now and it has nothing to do with her. see sounds like a very under standing person so im sure she will totally understand.

~gecko

I'm gonna read it all. Here I go...

Okay, done. Neat story. Sounds like you're really getting in gear... getting your life in shape. Best of luck with that. As for your actual question, that's perfectly normal. You don't have to be horny 100% of the time; indeed, she might have even appreciated that you were more focused on just being with her than being sexual. Either way, she should understand.

To stop it from happening again, I think relaxation is the key. Realize that there's nothing to worry about... you have all the time in the world. Get some alone time together, cuddle, and the rest will happen on its own. (Chewing gum and looking at the color green also help nerves and tension, but I don't know if that's really applicable here. )

[This message has been edited by Twisted_Ferret (edited 01-22-2007).]

"My question is.. have any of you (guys, or girls) ever been so preoccupied, or so stressed by everything in life--that you couldn't even enjoy a few minutes of sexual activity?

The nervousness fed itself, and I found myself just worrying completely about the fact I wasn't getting hard, than anything else. When I woke up, it was on my mind. I'm just afraid of it happening again, because I didn't expect it to happen the first time. Any advice? Any comments? I'm open to hear anything.."

I've been there for sure

Same exact thing happened to me after somking some bud. Fucking sucked.

Too long, didn't read.

quote:Originally posted by Siash:

Too long, didn't read.

Honestly, I wonder why you'd even bother typing that? Is it to get your post count up? Or is it that the thread title was interesting, yet you had nothing to say about it once you got in? Ehh. Ah well, at least you bumped it for me.

quote:Originally posted by bloodenangel:



Yes it is normal.

Yes it does go away.



Thank you for your contribution, I really appreciate that you took your time to respond to me. Thanks.

quote:Originally posted by southernsun:

When i'm completely stressed my sex drive is none existant.

It's good to know I'm not the only one. Freaked me out a bit.

quote:Originally posted by Twisted_Ferret:

I'm gonna read it all. Here I go...

Okay, done. Neat story. Sounds like you're really getting in gear... getting your life in shape.



Thank you, I appreciate the time you took to hear me out, and really get to understand my issue. I tried the gum thing, and I agree it does seem to work. Especially with me and ADD(I think I may have a slight case). Its also comforting to know that not having a sex drive some times is normal, because my life doesn't revolve around getting laid. And I agree, I think she may have realized that I'm not out just to 'get some', and I really care about just spending 'quality time' with her. Oh, and today was even better, and more stress was lifted off my back as I opened a 1,140 dollar check from my college, so I could afford my books, and all the other college expenses. And, my job interview is tomarrow, and they called to confirm my interview today, so slowly but surely, money is becomming less of a problem.



quote:Originally posted by rock_is_dead:



I've been there for sure

Same exact thing happened to me after somking some bud. Fucking sucked.

Yeah, it does suck. You wonder what's going through the girls head, and think she's getting the wrong idea. At first I felt embarrased for myself, but then I realized she was probably more embarrassed since I wasn't really 'aroused'. You've just got to be real with them, I've figured out, and let them know what's going on. If she cares, she'll understand- I've come to find. Thanks for hearing me out bro.

--

Anyone else, feel FREE to put in stories of your own, as I want to return the favor of listening to you guys, hearing you out. It means alot you'd spend a few minutes of your own life to hear about mine-and I would only want to do the same for you.

It's normal.

When you are stressed and your body realises it, you go into a sort of survival mode that puts sex on hold until you alleviate the stress in your life.

EDIT: For example, right now I am about as un-horny as they come. And I have much, much less stress in my life than you in yours. Tolerances also develop.

[This message has been edited by Swany (edited 01-23-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by Swany:

It's normal.

When you are stressed and your body realises it, you go into a sort of survival mode that puts sex on hold until you alleviate the stress in your life.

EDIT: For example, right now I am about as un-horny as they come. And I have much, much less stress in my life than you in yours. Tolerances also develop.



Thanks for your input bro. Every time someone steps forward, and tells me about their personal experiences with it, makes me feel even better. Now I'm totally comfortable with the fact I wasn't horny, I just never had experienced it before. Good luck with whatever is stressing you out--AND feel free to extrapolate(i think that word fits here) on whatever it is, because I'm more than happy to listen in, and offer advice too. I'm not just asking for answers, but also offering help to anyone feeling the same way. Thanks again

[This message has been edited by truorion (edited 01-23-2007).]

Read the whole thing. It seems like your the kind of hero guy they show in movies that had a shit early life, learnt from it, and then fixed everything/did awesome stuff with the rest of their lives.

You get some fucking respect from me, man. Keep trucking with that.

Also, yeah, while guys are generally always sexed up, sometimes there are more important things to be thinking about, and you most certainly do have some responsibility to deal with. It's completely normal.

quote:Originally posted by Nereth:

Read the whole thing. It seems like your the kind of hero guy they show in movies that had a shit early life, learnt from it, and then fixed everything/did awesome stuff with the rest of their lives.

You get some fucking respect from me, man. Keep trucking with that.

Also, yeah, while guys are generally always sexed up, sometimes there are more important things to be thinking about, and you most certainly do have some responsibility to deal with. It's completely normal.



Damn man.. wow. That means a ton to me. I don't like to see myself as a 'hero', because I try not to be egotystical. Even then, hearing it from someone else really.. really makes me feel better about what I'm doing.

It's about love. This may be my only chance to do my ultimate best on Earth, and I fully intend on being the best person I can be(in my own mind). That doesn't mean though that I'm perfect, I fuck up, I make mistakes. I try to learn, as you said.

Your respect, even as a stranger, means a ton to me. Taking the time to hear me out, shows me that there are caring people out there, who do think outside of themselves, and that's so refreshing(thats the same for everyone else who's responded to me).

I'm going to keep trying, and your guy's support strenghthens my will to do so.

I'll always be open to listen to you, too. Thanks man.