I should say, that this is a long read. I think at least though, that it's a pretty intresting one, and it's stuff that I really need to get off my chest.
My story begins, 6 Months & 1 Week ago, at a club in town, where I've always spent a great deal of my time.
On the night in question, I'd taken a large amount of MDMA, and I was feeling true love towards everyone and everything. I suppose that this one fact may explain the rest of the story, but there we go
I'd gotten talking to a guy, Matt at the bar and after a few minutes he'd introduced me to his sister Emma. The moment I saw her, I realised she was something special but it wasn't for a while that I realised that it wasn't just the MDMA That was making me feel like this.
After five minutes of very heavy flirting, we had kissed, and spent most of the night as such. We parted ways at the end of the night, and I didn't really expect to see her again. The week after, I'd gone down with a few friends, and there she was again- And I still felt amazingly connected with her.
I should mention at this point, that past relationships have damaged me greatly, due to being fucked about so badly in the past, I've found it very difficult to trust again, and when I did get into a relationship, it never really held together.
Anyway, I went over to talk to her again, and we really connected again, things were going brilliantly. Then, she mentioned she had a boyfriend.
Yeah, what the fuck. I guess this should have been my first warning sign, but she'd convinced me that it wasn't a serious thing. Normally, I wouldn't have even considered it- I usually have the strictest rules when it comes to stuff like this, but already I was convinced that this girl was special, and we carried on anyway. We exchanged phone numbers and email adresses, and started talking daily.
Since that day, we've never had a full day where we've gone without talking to each other. I don't even know if she realises this. It's a good warning sign, when it gets close to midnight and she hasn't made contact at all that day, I know somethings wrong.
We grew closer and closer, but at this time I was still treating her as a slut. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I still think she acted like one, and I'd have to blame part of it on the damage that's been done to me by previous females.
We became best friends quickly, and at this time she always seemed far more into me than I was into her. This probably wasn't actually true, since at this point in time I was already really into her, but I held back from showing that untill I felt more secure in things. She'd text me a few times a day whether I replied or not. It was kinda nice actually.
During this time, the boyfriend was dumped, and weeks later a new one came in, which strangely enough didn't bother me. The night after she got with him, she tried to kiss me and I pulled away (Partly due to the fact that she was blind drunk, untill yesterday she claimed to have no knowledge of this happening, that may be true, it may not. As much as I find it hard to find fault with her, she does lie a lot and pretending to have forgotten things is one of her favourites.)
We continued to be friends during this time, and often we'd have long talks on the phone, I didn't realise it at the time but I later found out that this caused issues with the boyfriend.
She really loved the guy, but towards the end it became obvious that things weren't going well, and in the final days she knew that he was going to break up with her. At the club that night, he did and she came to me crying. I put my arm around her and let her cry for hours, I was without romantic intent that night. However, we ended up getting together again (She did this, not me.) She doesn't know this, but the (ex) Boyfriend found me later in the night, and had a go at me for it, I told him that it was her choice, and she was no longer his responsibility. There was definite bad blood between us, and I honestly do hope that I wasn't a factor in their relationship ending.
We spent quite a lot of time together over the next few weeks, and I really thought we'd be getting together. I never made the move really, it didn't feel right at the time- Her friends have told me that at this point, she really liked me, I feel stupid for not doing it now.
We stayed really good friends, and this is the time when I realised just how amazing she really was. My past relationships had been destroyed by my drug problems. Emma said that she didn't really approve, but didn't judge me either. I told her other things which would make any sane person run a mile, but she accepted me, and if anything grew even closer to me because I was honest with her. I couldn't have been happier.
At this point, I got in a relationship with a girl called Claire. I never even told Emma about this, as she began dating a guy called Jason, my relationship wasn't serious and it finished after 2 Weeks because I couldn't get Emma out of my head.
Emma and Jason had a lot of history, and they seemed to love each other a lot. She was, and still is crazy about the guy. While she was with him, she cheated on him with me almost daily. Towards the end of their relationship, she spent almost all of her time at my house.
I should mention at this point, that we've never actually had sex. Not for lack of trying, however tightness issues have always made it somewhat difficult. It's not really a big deal for me, we do everything else, and she certainly didn't seem to mind. But to me, the lack of actual sex made me think that whatever her reasons for cheating were, it wasn't purely sexual, right?
I'd never met Jason at this point, though we'd talked once or twice on phone & MSN. He seemed like a standup guy at the time, and I liked him. One day, he and Lee (His best friend) came down to the club one night (I toild you I spent a lot of time there :P) And the 4 of us really hit it off. Obviously, Jason & Lee had no idea she had cheated, though I believe she'd told them I was an ex or something. I wasn't really bothered, I'm not a very jelaous guy.
At first, I really liked them both. They seemed like decent, generous guys who were really friendly.
I got Jason's MSN Messenger adress this night, and since then we've talked pretty heavily. I'd now consider him a good friend.
The 4 Of us had gone back to my place after the night, Emma had gone up to crash in my bed while Jason, Lee & I had sat down stairs (Having taken speed earlier in the night) The 3 of us had talked a lot during the night, and things seemed really cool. I felt *very* Bad about the fact that Emma was cheating on Jason, when he seemed like a decent enough guy.
After I'd met Jason, I didn't feel right carrying on sleeping with Emma, however she pretty much forced me into it (I know, it's no excuse) She later claimed that this was just a stoned mistake.
Emma continued to cheat on Jason, and I continued to talk to him on MSN. One day, he and I talked pretty heavily, and he told me that he wanted to break up with Emma. There were a lot of reasons why, but he was struggling with his newly found homosexuality, and I think this was the biggest reason.
After Jason & Emma broke up, we continued to get together almost everyday. One day while we were in bed, she said she loved me. I don't know if this was a drunken mistake, or just friend-love, or whatever. We had such a complicated relationship, we were best friends and I suppose fuck buddies. A few days later, I said it back to her, and she didn't respond. No biggy.
In the end, I wrote her a letter telling her just how strongly I felt about her. She rejected me, saying that she didn't know how she felt. We slept together again later that day. Great- Not confusing at all
At this point, I should mention that for the last year, I have been a heroin addict. Emma knew about this, and didn't force me to quit. Had she, I would probably have walked. However, she waited it out, and one day I decided that it was time to quit, and I did. It was a rocky start, but I managed it. I quit heroin for her, it was the most difficult thing I've had to do, but knowing that I had a reason to do it made it... Essential. It's hard to explain.
Emma and Lee got into a relationship, (Jason encouraged this) and during the first few days of them being together, I'd tried not to spend as much time with her so not to tempt the situation. She'd stayed over on Wedensday night, and on the Thursday, I'd gotten up to do something in the morning, letting her lie in.
On the Wedensday, she'd been flirting pretty heavily, but maybe that was just old habits or something?
When I got back in on the Thursday, I'd gotten back into bed with her, and put my arm around her waist, and started to go back to sleep. Long story short, she ended up coming onto me again. I could have fought it I suppose, but whatever.
Afterwards, we just went to sleep. Didn't really talk about it again.
A week or so later, I find out that Lee's friend Matt, had kissed Emma (This one wasn't her fault. Matt's a bit fucked in the head, and he'd intiated it, she'd pulled back) Anyway, she didn't tell Lee about this, which I thought was a mistake.
After the morning she cheated on Lee, we hadn't slept together again. Partly because everytime we were together after that, there was either company around, or just neither of us could be arsed.
At this point, I had set Nick (My best friend) Up with Lee for buisness reasons. Nick walked out after an hour. This should have made me realise what kinda guy Lee is. Nick merely said that he didn't like the guy, and he was surprised that I did. I guess Nick picked up on stuff I didn't.
So about three weeks ago, we're lying in bed and I try and kiss her, she pulls back without explanation. Fair enough I figure, she's not in the mood. The same happens again the next day, I knew something was wrong, but I figured it wasn't really a big deal.
Almost two weeks ago today, I try again for the third time to initiate it, and she says no. I ask what the problem is, and she says "I have a boyfriend." (Ironic statement?) Okay I figure, that's fair enough. I ask her what we're doing here, and she says she just wants to be friends from now on.
We began to argue at this point, she'd basically blamed all the cheating she'd done on me.
I'd told her that I couldn't be around her and not be with her. And that I couldn't be friends with her while I felt like this.
I should mention at this point, that this wasn't what I wanted at all, I am crazy about this girl, but it's difficult to be around her and not want to be with her, plus she wants me to play all buddy buddy with Lee.
She cried for a few hours, and said that I was the most important person in her life, and she didn't want to lose me.
At this point, she started feeling ill. She'd been feeling off colour for a few days, but now it was getting serious, and she was vomitting every few minutes. We woke up in the middle of the night, and I took her to hospital.
It's the kinda timing that only happens in films. How the hell are you meant to carry on arguing with the girl when she's in hospital?
So I didn't, I told her that we should just forget I'd said anything and that things were going to be okay.
I rang Lee, and he came to the hospital. At this point, we were still acting friendly enough, though in the previous few days he'd done a few things which seemed a little jelaous.
I'd already cancelled most of my Saturday morning to look after Emma, so once I knew she was safe, I said my goodbyes and went to sort my stuff out.
It was as I was leaving hospital, that I realised what was happening. This began a week long drug binge (Including my un-quitting of heroin) which cost me a large amount of money I did not have, putting me into debt with some serious people.
Later in the day, I get a call from Lee. He's pissed off, Emma's told him that I tried to get into her. I was somewhat confused at this situation, however I simply apologised, and told him that whatever he wanted to do, I would allow. He simply said it was okay, and hung up the phone.
We continued to text each other for the week she was in hospital, I told her Lee had rung, but I decided to lay off on yelling at her, untill she was better.
The first time we've really hung out one on one since she's been out of hospital has been Wedensday. She stayed over from Wedensday till Friday.
We really talked things out, she said she'd told Lee that because she thought it was the right thing to do.
Apparently, she completely forgot that she'd cheated on him. Yeah fucking right. I had a go at her, untill the memory 'resurfaced'
I told her that I wanted to tell Lee. She said no, because it would end the relationship. I pointed out that it was pretty much doomed already since she already cheated on the guy. We talked it over for a while, and I finally agreed not to say anything, because I honestly do want them to sort things out if they can. It's not my place to get involved in another persons relationship.
So Thursday night, Jason, Lee, Emma & I went out to the club, we all have a good night but there are clear hostilities between Jason & Lee, apparently Lee's been increasingly agressive towards Jason lately. It all seems to be going okay towards the end of the night though. Jason & Lee were going back to Lee's afterwards, Emma & I were going back to mine (Yeah, I'd have been a tad pissed if I was Lee as well, but it was his suggestion.
Anyway, at the end of the night Jason & Lee went for chicken before getting a Taxi, Emma & I went straight to the rank, and got into one with a few friends headed to the same place.
We'd ordered a taxi for 5 People, and got one for 6, So there was a free space in the car. Lee decided to get in (Uninvited I might add) ditching Jason, on his own.
When we'd gotten in, Lee had gone to sleep, Emma and I had decided to stay up. We'd ended up lying on my bed cuddling. She was doing all the things she does when she wants to get together. Holding me closer, rubbing feet etc. etc. but when I tried, she said no.
We talked about it, and said it was wrong untill we were both single again, and to leave it.
The whole of yesterday morning, Lee had been acting jelaous and annoying, and after ditching Jason, I'm pretty dissapointed in him.
So there it is folks, I doubt anyone will actually read it end to end. I'm still crazy about the girl, though I think I'm trying not to be. Complicated or what?
2007-01-20, 07:35
My story. (Long)