Confessions of an asshole:

I'm a dick, ladies and gentlemen, and I think this information may prove useful to you. I realized this lately, about 10 minutes ago, as I got out of my car. I had cut off somebody else to get into the parking space, and as I got out I thought "I'm a dick, lady, deal with it." Originally I was just joking with my inner monologue, but as I lit my cigarette (something I've done secretly for months) and headed off to work (which I was already late for, and didn't care that I was late for) the realization that I was, in fact, a dick, hit me. I had actually had a few shots of 100 proof vodka before coming in (something I've also been doing secretly, but only for a few weeks) and stole a beer from my room mate.

Now, as a dick, I feel sort of like an ambassador here as the totse boards are plagued with enough "nice guys finish last" type posts to assume that a substantial portion of the population here are "nice guys" This is not a post to say "all hail the ways of the douche bag! Do this and life shall be grand!" Quite the contrary, actually, as I know you guys all hate the asshole that undeservingly gets the girl, but, really, you should feel bad for us.

We're depressed. Very, very depressed.

I'm not saying my life is bad, not at all. I live with a ridiculously gorgeous woman, I'm never without a friend, I'm respected by all of my prof., the presidency of Tae Kwon Do club and Philosophy club were thrust upon me, and as I was typing this I was stopped and offered a free pony. Life is good, and yet I'm too depressed to give a fuck about some bitch and her parking space. In fact most people who are dicks lead a good life, so with life thrusting all of this pleasure on them why would they be dicks?

Because we're very depressed.

We're all assholes for different reasons, I'm assuming, but the underlying theme seems to be a deep dissatisfaction with life. Maybe we weren't loved as children, maybe we've been hurt by others, maybe we were molested as children, maybe somebody close died at a troubling time of development, who knows. The point I'm trying to get across is that assholes are people too. Try being nice to one, and you may be surprised. They may be so heavily guarded that they punch you in the throat, but they may also suprise you with a sweet side, and give you ice cream.

I know I'd give you ice cream.

We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

quote:Originally posted by TTMan:

We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

Best moral of any movie ever.

Fuck Yeah!

quote:Originally posted by TTMan:

We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!



Completely true, also an absolutly amazing film.

And sometimes he parks in handicapped spaces

while handicapped people make handicapped faces.

He's an asshole, he's an asshole!

quote:Originally posted by Strakynyar Krongoth:



Completely true, also an absolutly amazing film.

Which film is that? I recognize it somewhere...

I go through the left lane so slow that everybody beeps, I walk around in the Summer yelling "How about this heat!"

quote:Originally posted by Astr0cide:

Which film is that? I recognize it somewhere...

Team America (FUCK YEAH!).

You guys are ridiculous.

But, yes, excellent pop culture references all.

Stop making excuses for being an asshole. If it doesn't bother you, then fine, keep being a dick. But obviously it bothers you a bit or you wouldn't have posted this. So just start being nice, it's not like it's hard.

It is hard to be nice when being a dick is internalized. A nice guy's automatic response to be nice and my automatic response is to be a dick. :/

I don't have a problem with it and I'm definitely satisfied with life and not depressed. Good thread though. I like ice cream.

:O you broke one of the ten commandment's

quote: and stole a beer from my room mate.

quote:Originally posted by Sick_Boy:

Stop making excuses for being an asshole. If it doesn't bother you, then fine, keep being a dick. But obviously it bothers you a bit or you wouldn't have posted this. So just start being nice, it's not like it's hard.

I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just making a statement that "hey, assholes are people to". Because being a dick to somebody who is being a dick to you sure doesn't solve anything, and it leads to this whole mentality of fucking people over before they fuck you over. I thought people here would get a kick out of a dick being down, had a buzz, and wanted to kill time at work. I'm not stating a problem in need of a solution, just a statement.

I guess Adorno was right about being trained to see everything as an assigned problem.

People tend to see assholes as innately assholes, as the indefinite "Other", and this is wrong. That is all.

I stopped reading when you mentioned Tae Kwon Do and how you have anything to do with it. You sound like a bitch. Not only that you sound like you need to be put in your place. Now I'm now the one that is going to do that, seeing as how I don't know you.

Hopefully though sometime in your life, or sometime in the near future. You will be struck over the head with a large blunt object. After suffering massive head trauma you will die.

Then you won't have to write bullshit sitcomesque stories of your life. You can just shut the fuck up like a little dick and bury your self in a deep dark hole, the kind that's 6 feet under.

quote:Originally posted by CarbonB:

I stopped reading when you mentioned Tae Kwon Do and how you have anything to do with it. You sound like a bitch. Not only that you sound like you need to be put in your place. Now I'm now the one that is going to do that, seeing as how I don't know you.

Hopefully though sometime in your life, or sometime in the near future. You will be struck over the head with a large blunt object. After suffering massive head trauma you will die.

Then you won't have to write bullshit sitcomesque stories of your life. You can just shut the fuck up like a little dick and bury your self in a deep dark hole, the kind that's 6 feet under.

See?

This guy's a person who obviously has problems with Tae Kwon Do for some reason. Thus, he is a dick to me.

quote:Originally posted by I_Like_Traffic_Lights:

I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just making a statement that "hey, assholes are people to".

Nice people already know this...

quote:Originally posted by I_Like_Traffic_Lights:

See?

This guy's a person who obviously has problems with Tae Kwon Do for some reason. Thus, he is a dick to me.

I have no problem with Tae Kwon Do. That is the part where I call you an idiot, and you agree with me. The part I have a problem with is you trying to list Tae Kwon Do as if it is a respectable hobby, or as if it garnishes any form of respect from the real Martial Arts community.

Keep your McDojo bullshit out of the reasons why you can't get pussy, mmmmkay?

I just downloaded that asshole song then googled dennis leary and noticed he was the guy from that firefighting tv drama...

For some odd reason he reminds me of Kevin Bacon.

Hmmm... Which reminds me, I haven't seen flatliners for ages. Anyone else seen Flatliners?

quote:Originally posted by Sick_Boy:

Nice people already know this...

Genuine nice people? Yes. The victimized "nice guy" of totse, however, does not.

The point is projection of perspective, I suppose. The asshole has a shitty life, or at least a shitty view of life. Just take Carbonb for example. Taking three words of an entire post to choose to get all pissy about, and following by crass assumptions leaping off of imagined statements I never made.

The guy has issues.

Calm down, buddy, no reason to be a dick on the internet because you don't have the balls in real life.

quote:Originally posted by CarbonB:

Keep your McDojo bullshit out of the reasons why you can't get pussy, mmmmkay?

I usually dislike CarbonB's posts, but this is hilarious!

quote:Originally posted by I_Like_Traffic_Lights:

Genuine nice people? Yes. The victimized "nice guy" of totse, however, does not.

The point is projection of perspective, I suppose. The asshole has a shitty life, or at least a shitty view of life. Just take Carbonb for example. Taking three words of an entire post to choose to get all pissy about, and following by crass assumptions leaping off of imagined statements I never made.

The guy has issues.

Calm down, buddy, no reason to be a dick on the internet because you don't have the balls in real life.

Let me take a note out of your book and wrap up my sentiments about you. First of all you don't take a direct approach to talk to me. You quote a female's post and then comment on me to her. That in itself is what gay men do. Are you homosexual? Cowering into the clevage of a woman. Simply pathetic.

I don't have the balls in real life? Everything about you screams weakness. All the details and subtle insecurities in your post ressonate in my mind as I scan the page. I'm don't have issues, and I have no reason to be upset.

I'm calm and will continute to point out any other bullshit articulations you see fit to proclaim as "thought".

quote:Originally posted by I_Like_Traffic_Lights:

Confessions of an asshole:

We're depressed. Very, very depressed.

Honestly who do you think is more depressed on the inside? The nice guys who have nothing or the assholes who have everything?

[This message has been edited by Phaint (edited 01-16-2007).]

I certainly don't consider myself depressed. Maybe this guy shouldn't lump everyone into his sad and horribly unentertaining life?