I come from a household where everyone yells. We yell so much that sometimes we just make shit up to yell about for fun. However, my boyfriend comes from a nice WASPy repressive family where they never yell. First time he stayed over he heard the yelling in the morning as my mother went apeshit on my brother for doing something stupid and my boyfriend nearly crapped himself. He told me his parents never yelled at him. I couldn't believe it. I don't even know how to communicate without yelling. I mean, if someone doesn't yell at me, how am I supposed to know that they care?

Because of this he's always seemed very passionless to me, which is strange because he's an artist, and troubling because I can't see myself without someone who isn't very passionate about things. I'm very passionate about things. And in my way I do small things to try to incite him - not so much to yell - but to show any level of interest. Of course, he thinks this is histrionic but I don't know what do with him sometimes because if he had his way nothing would ever happen. We would just never do anything or go anywhere and he'd be happy to just be the way we are now forever despite how much it bores me.

I need to be in love. May be not right this second, but I need it to be a prospect. He doesn't even want the cards on the table. He hates that there are ex's of mine and various men in general you ask me out on a regular basis and he fears that I'll leave him for them, but he never does anything about it.

Then on New Years we had plans to go out with my bandmates. All he had to do was show up before midnight and he didn't even do that. My own boyfriend stood me up on New Years. And what's really sad is that I'm so used to him doing this sort of thing that I wasn't even sad. I'm so used to the chronic disapointment I don't even question it anymore. He showed up later with the excuse that he was "reflecting". I let it go because it's a holiday and I just wanted to make the best of the rest of the night. That night I went home with him and the next day he caught me crying a little, but I told him it must've been from all the cocaine we'd done the night before.

Then the other night I went out with my mates and I stopped by the bar just for a second to say 'hi'. He didn't seem very happy to see me because my exboyfriend had just showed up and he thought that I'd orchestrated it somehow (for some RETARDED reason) that way. I told him I might come back later but that we were all going to another bar and left.

Anyways, after getting completely tanked (that's an entirely different story) my brother and I took a cab home and my boyfriend called me. I was happy to hear from him but he was angry. He was mad that I hadn't come back and hadn't called him. So, while I'd been very calm and cool about the whole New Years thing I immediately became very upset and started crying because how could he get mad at me for not coming back when he didn't look that happy to see me and I only said I "might" come back when he couldn't even show up before midnight on New Years because he was "reflecting", because reflecting is much more important and much more interesting than spending New Years with me. Of course, I was hurt by that, and I didn't say anything, so how could he get all mad at me for this.

Somewhere in the night he took a cab over and crawled into bed with me. When I woke up he was there and we started talking about all of this. He asked me if I need to be madly in love right now and no, I don't, but I think I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me on special occassions. At least someone who will kiss me at midnight on New Years...

And we didn't yell, we didn't scream. We lay in bed and discussed it calmly. I think he feels bad about what he did, but I don't have any way to tell. And I don't know if we really worked anything out because nothing seemed to happen. I just don't think my requests are that steep./rant ends

Cheers,

Lost

He seems like a troubled guy. At least you picked a guy who seems nice, i assume he isnt violent etcetera. It seems bad that he couldnt be fucked to see you on new years eve. Does he have somekind of mental issues? if so i could understand him maybe having trouble, its very easy to feel alone at christmas, the new year is always different, strange and scary. Anyway I dont know why you didnt hang out with him that night(seems strange to me)?

Also men get very posessive of girls, especially ones they care about, so thats not neccesarily a bad sign that he was angry that you wont there. And its such a fine line between a man being angry and sad when it comes to women (we struggle to express emotions). I think he needs to express himself more and maybe as he matures and grows in confidence he will.

Anyway good luck

Michael

edit: shitloads of spelling mistakes

[This message has been edited by MJR deus (edited 01-04-2007).]

I have an extensive collection of machettes,blades and guinea pigs. If you can promise to return them clean and free of blood, they are yours for the borrowing.

Only you can do what you need to do.



From the way you're telling things, he sounds like a complete twat. But if you're staying with him rather than dumping him now without hesitation, he must have some redeaming feature, right?



How can you be with someone who doesent love you, or doesent ever plan to love you?

I couldnt do it.



I know it will hurt if you chuck him, but like quite a few things in life that hurt, you grit your teeth and wait for it to be over. And then you'll get on with your life.



Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Because the way you describe him he sounds like a hypocritical,selfish, unthinking, unpleasant,worthless motherfucker who doesent deserve a girl like you.

But if he was really that bad, you wouldnt be with him.

..would you?

blerg

He sounds a lot like me. I'm paranoid and jealous (very worried that others will take her away), lazy, and... not passionless - if anything, I'm TOO passionate - but like him, I don't like to go places. I have my little routines and I must follow them. I can't stand having things "out of place" (and my place = my house or hers, I guess).

I have been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder... maybe he has a similiar trouble?

Edit: Of course, him standing you up etc. is pretty shitty. I'd never do that, no matter how much I would dislike what she wanted to do, so maybe he's just an asshole.

[This message has been edited by Twisted_Ferret (edited 01-04-2007).]

quote:Originally posted by Twisted_Ferret:

I have my little routines and I must follow them. I can't stand having things "out of place" (and my place = my house or hers, I guess).

I have been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder... maybe he has a similiar trouble?





Heh, you sound like an ex of mine.

"Nooo! We can not go clubbing! I wont be able to wash my hands every five minutes!"

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

I have an extensive collection of machettes,blades and guinea pigs. If you can promise to return them clean and free of blood, they are yours for the borrowing.

Only you can do what you need to do.



From the way you're telling things, he sounds like a complete twat. But if you're staying with him rather than dumping him now without hesitation, he must have some redeaming feature, right?



How can you be with someone who doesent love you, or doesent ever plan to love you?

I couldnt do it.



I know it will hurt if you chuck him, but like quite a few things in life that hurt, you grit your teeth and wait for it to be over. And then you'll get on with your life.



Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Because the way you describe him he sounds like a hypocritical,selfish, unthinking, unpleasant,worthless motherfucker who doesent deserve a girl like you.

But if he was really that bad, you wouldnt be with him.

..would you?

The thing is is that when it's good it's really good. He can be very sweet and very romantic. Not to mention we have the best sex ever. But, sometimes I wonder if our relationship isn't 80% sex and then I wonder if that's a bad thing.

Cheers,

Lost

I don't really understand when people say 'he/she is an artist.' Like that gives someone an excuse to be a douche. Fact is that people are different, and no two artists or chemists are the same.

That said, I think this guy is afraid of any sort of commitment. It's pretty lame that he didn't show up with you on New Years. Honestly, this is the first one I've ever gone out on, and I loved it. Everyone was so happy (drunk, but happy) and loving, and I've never seen anything like it.

Anyway, I don't see why "reflecting" takes precedence over you. What the hell is reflecting anyway? Thinking about the day? A cup of tea? His life? The world? Doesn't make much sense.

I hate to see/hear girls cry, and I really feel for you.

Jealousy is a rough thing to deal with. My ex didn't like me talking to even old guy friends because she thought they'd steer me in the direction of girls. Pretty lame. She even got upset when an old friend who is a girl messaged me about having problems (she was living with her boyfriend alone in NYC at the time). It's very difficult to deal with, but in the end you have to decide: is this person worth staying with? Is it worth losing friends over this person?

I chose the ex over my friends, and I have to say I burned a lot of bridges doing that. Now that she left me, I'm kind of stuck in a shitty hole that I created.

My advice is this: if you feel you need someone with the prospect of love/commitment, just move on from this guy. Sometimes people change when they get older, but I know many who don't. I wouldn't hold out for that hope.

I do think his taking a cab to your place in the middle of the night is quite sweet, however. So maybe there is more buried beneath than he'd like you to know.

Has he been burned before?

My family yelled. I hated it. I'm doing my best to stop.

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

My family yelled. I hated it. I'm doing my best to stop.

Mine too.

But I like a good yell and ear bashing sometimes..

Lost, I wouldn't even put up with that, I'd tell him to shape up or ship out. There's something about that personality type that really irritates me so ya, I guess that's where my opinion steams from.

I'm very sorry if this is shortsighted, but from the few topics you've made, your boyfriend sounds like a complete shithead...unless you have had multiple ones in the time I've been here?

Seriously, think about finding someone else. Especially if it is only sex.

I think your brother has my harmonica. He can keep it if he still uses it, otherwise I could probably get some use outta it. Im gonna be in town on Fri/Saturday, Ill give you a call. It'd be nice to get drunk and chat.