I have so many problems with this area of my life I don't even know where to start.

18 and never even so much as kissed a girl. I don't want to sound cocky, but I really wish I could find a picture to put on here. I really really don't think looks are a problem, I've unwillingly done some modeling for local dept stores and began to get my feet wet in more high end agencies but that was bullshit and I didnt like it in the first place. Point is, I go out and see girls staring etc. and again, not to sound like an asshole, but I think girls find me very attractive physically.

Now here is the problem, I have severe social anxiety problems. At least thats what the doctor says. I am always thinking, always. This mentality, as far as I can tell, seriously hurts my social abilities. Great example, I am in an elevator and someone comes by and takes the stairs, it was to avoid me. That is just how I think and I can't help it. I could go into deeper details but socially I am a complete wreck.

I am not 'emo' or anything like that, I would just classify myself as normal I guess. Jeans and a tshirt, and in conversation I am always really mellow and easy going. Right after, I am unbelievable paranoid about the smallest details most people wouldn't even think about, which pretty much sets myself up for failure.

Other than extreme social paranoia, which I cover up in social situations, I really consider myself normal. Played sports, etc. yet I dont really have ANY friends what so ever, let alone a girlfriend. I keep thinking if I get lucky once I will be on a roll and hopefully change this lonely lifestyle I've been living...

My question is, how much emphasis really is put on looks? I've approached girls I KNOW that thought I was "so hot" and got rejected...several times. It is so depressing knowing that even though girls find me attractive I am such a fucking loser I still cant get ANY....other than benzos, is there any way I can help myself out socially because I a failure 100%...this is all probably a bunch of jibberish now but I'm kind of hoping someone with experience can pick out some thoughts that I can go into more detail with or something...I dont know....

All your problems stem from your desires. You have no need to suffer. Stop wanting that which you not only don't really need, but will only bring you more suffering.

Once I started drinking in social situations, similar problems of mine seemed to disappear. Though this isn't a very helpful recommendation, alcohol isn't really appropriate for day to day life.

Make yourself more interesting. You said that you are mellow and easy going in conversation, try to be more exciting, interesting, ect. Do you smile? Laugh? People generally want to be around fun people, not depressing people.

I used to be kinda like you, not to that extent but the same sort of thing. The key is to not give a shit what anyone thinks (to a certain extent of course, don't intentionally make an idiot of yourself). Do what makes YOU happy and if that makes people think negatively of you, they can go fuck themselves cos you won't care. You need to build confidence. A bit over a year ago I started working out and bulking up and this has improved my confidence dramatically. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore cos (as bad as it may sound) I know I'm bigger and stronger than most people. Finally, believe in yourself and don't give up because you only fail when you give up. Good luck.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

I have so many problems with this area of my life I don't even know where to start.

Its always good to start at the beginning.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:



18 and never even so much as kissed a girl. I don't want to sound cocky, but I really wish I could find a picture to put on here. I really really don't think looks are a problem, I've unwillingly done some modeling for local dept stores and began to get my feet wet in more high end agencies but that was bullshit and I didnt like it in the first place. Point is, I go out and see girls staring etc. and again, not to sound like an asshole, but I think girls find me very attractive physically.

You just have fear, it stops you from talking to them. You're afraid of being rejected. Once you over come rejection, you would be able to comfortably talk to any girl you see on the street.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Now here is the problem, I have severe social anxiety problems. At least thats what the doctor says. I am always thinking, always. This mentality, as far as I can tell, seriously hurts my social abilities. Great example, I am in an elevator and someone comes by and takes the stairs, it was to avoid me. That is just how I think and I can't help it. I could go into deeper details but socially I am a complete wreck.

Its not anxiety. You're worried about what others think of you. You are seeing more negatives in you, than positives. Once the positives start outweighing the negatives, you'll like it. You won't think about what people think of you, its good.

When we judge ourselves, the negatives outweigh the positives. Its better to just accept the negatives and focus on the positives.

Imagine the person used the stares because he didn't want to be lazy. Instead of just standing in the elevator with everyone, he used some of his energy to help him get to where ever he was going. Maybe he is just healthier than other people.

You just got to accept that people do not think about you like that, I don't think the person was avoiding you, just trying to stay in shape.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

I am not 'emo' or anything like that, I would just classify myself as normal I guess. Jeans and a tshirt, and in conversation I am always really mellow and easy going. Right after, I am unbelievable paranoid about the smallest details most people wouldn't even think about, which pretty much sets myself up for failure.

This happens to everyone, you just have to stop worrying about your image. If you are worried, and you fuck up, you will regret it and think what could've been if you didn't. Once you fucked up, and you don't worry about your image, you can learn from your mistake.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Other than extreme social paranoia, which I cover up in social situations, I really consider myself normal. Played sports, etc. yet I dont really have ANY friends what so ever, let alone a girlfriend. I keep thinking if I get lucky once I will be on a roll and hopefully change this lonely lifestyle I've been living...

Have you tried joining any sport teams? Or joining any clubs that fit your interests?

Maybe you can join one, and make friends on it. Than just ask them to hang out sometime. Yep, I see plenty of new friends in your future if you do so..

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

My question is, how much emphasis really is put on looks? I've approached girls I KNOW that thought I was "so hot" and got rejected...several times. It is so depressing knowing that even though girls find me attractive I am such a fucking loser I still cant get ANY....other than benzos, is there any way I can help myself out socially because I a failure 100%...this is all probably a bunch of jibberish now but I'm kind of hoping someone with experience can pick out some thoughts that I can go into more detail with or something...I dont know....



Its back to the thing where you are afraid of your image. Once you accept it, you can move on.



-I don't know if the stuff I said made sense, but I hope they did.

Wow that was all some really sound advice thanks a lot. I think it will be a lot harder done than said however.

The last three days I have been so agitated about such a minor incident. I saw a girl I was supposed to go to a prom with in highschool at a store. She saw me and walked right past me, just her walking one way and me walking the other way,through peripheral vision I could tell she was staring right at me but I just cant describe it in words, I kind of just turned my head the other way. Now I am so angry at myself. I didnt go to the prom with her (story of my life, she was definatly into me and then all of a sudden all the good vibes stopped and I lost all contact with her) but now I am angry I didnt at least look back, maybe give a smile and spark a conversation. On the other hand, I am mad because if I did do that and got a negative response, that would only make my confidence even lower. Then I tell myself, I didnt even try, so I'll never know...and just get more frustrated.



By mellow in conversation I mean I am just pretty laid back. Some people think I am funny but I can't really describe my personality that well. Not the boring kind of mellow, just I am not one to openly brag, or someone with a short fuse or anything of that matter. I always figured if I am just you know 'average' that by knowing girls find me attractive that will at least take care of step one, and then so long as I am not some kind of freak axe murderer I will at least be able to aquire a decent relationship, and once I get it right once I think that will make future attempts easier...

Thanks again, I am so sick of where I am in life and just really need to get past this roadblock to move on to the real world and focus on my future.

edit: wow betrayal you really hit the nail on the head, that was great thank you. Like I said, I've been on sports teams and made friends through that, but something so small as a phone call not being returned makes me paranoid. I am very scared of rejection and that definatly shines through when I approach girls...I really need to sit back and think about all of this advice and apply it to my real life because I do think it will really help ,I just want to get past that first roadblock you know?

Thanks again everybody.

[This message has been edited by snowman (edited 12-30-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Wow that was all some really sound advice thanks a lot. I think it will be a lot harder done than said however.

I know what you mean. I'm going through a lot of changes right now also. You just have to get motivated.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

The last three days I have been so agitated about such a minor incident. I saw a girl I was supposed to go to a prom with in highschool at a store. She saw me and walked right past me, just her walking one way and me walking the other way,through peripheral vision I could tell she was staring right at me but I just cant describe it in words, I kind of just turned my head the other way. Now I am so angry at myself. I didnt go to the prom with her (story of my life, she was definatly into me and then all of a sudden all the good vibes stopped and I lost all contact with her) but now I am angry I didnt at least look back, maybe give a smile and spark a conversation. On the other hand, I am mad because if I did do that and got a negative response, that would only make my confidence even lower. Then I tell myself, I didnt even try, so I'll never know...and just get more frustrated.

That happened to me 2 days ago. I was at the mall, and I saw this girls that I was in love with best friend. I just looked at her, and looked away. I felt bad that I didn't really say hi, or wave to her.

But if it actually was the girl, I don't know what I would have done. Probably look away, try to forget, but I'll always have that in my heart.

Now lately, I'm trying to make it up to them, fix our friendship up. Its never too late, do you have her on your MSN list or anything? Because you can start it over with her, and rebuild your friendship.

But you never know until you try right? So next contact you have with her, don't think of the negatives. Nothing really bad can happen when you try. It just sets you up for the world, and the future.



quote:Originally posted by snowman:

By mellow in conversation I mean I am just pretty laid back. Some people think I am funny but I can't really describe my personality that well. Not the boring kind of mellow, just I am not one to openly brag, or someone with a short fuse or anything of that matter. I always figured if I am just you know 'average' that by knowing girls find me attractive that will at least take care of step one, and then so long as I am not some kind of freak axe murderer I will at least be able to aquire a decent relationship, and once I get it right once I think that will make future attempts easier...

I'm like that myself also. By the way you described yourself, thats how I sorta see myself now.

You need to stop worrying about what the girl thinks of you, because chances are, she will like you. But you will never know because you ignored her.

You just got to stop thinking. Thinking about the future is easy, but not when you tell yourself you're gonna do something when the time comes, because chances are, you will forget about it and just do what you do, and regret.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Thanks again, I am so sick of where I am in life and just really need to get past this roadblock to move on to the real world and focus on my future.

Yeah, I'm stuck there also. I'm starting to realize things, and I'm trying to help people.

You may not notice this, but we are similar. I'm suffering with the same problems you are right now, and the light is only starting to shine again.

As much as I wanted to avoid benzos I have been experimenting with xanax (perscribed legally) and found that it does help a little.

Yes I did have the girls aim, I actually used to talk to her a lot through that. I still have her on my buddy list but I havent talked to her in months. Another thing about that night was when I got home I went on aim for a little, she was on signed off and her brothers aim name signed on right after. Now I knew her brother from baseball, we were never good friends but we talked occasionally, and he wasnt one to care if someone talked with his sister so that wasn't a problem. Anyway her brothers aim comes on and I assume it was her because he is still away at college, I dont know what to make of that I was afraid to aim either one of them so I just didnt...

Then I am thinking about all of that and I start to think, maybe I am not normal? Is that stalkerish or just normal behaviour? Should I even care that much...ugh so much...as much as I hate to go this route honestly xanax really does help shave away that paranoia, I think I am going to experiment with that for a short period of time and just see if that can be the extra push I need to get things started.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

As much as I wanted to avoid benzos I have been experimenting with xanax (perscribed legally) and found that it does help a little.

Drugs and stuff might seem good in the present, but how will they help in the future?

And if you keep taking more and more, your tolerance rises. That means, you would need to take more, for it to have the same affect it had on you when you first started.

It would just slowly start damaging your body, and your insides.

I know, because I've popped e, and smoked A LOT of weed today, I'm only coming down now, and I'm starting to understand that its not worth it in the long run.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Yes I did have the girls aim, I actually used to talk to her a lot through that. I still have her on my buddy list but I havent talked to her in months. Another thing about that night was when I got home I went on aim for a little, she was on signed off and her brothers aim name signed on right after. Now I knew her brother from baseball, we were never good friends but we talked occasionally, and he wasnt one to care if someone talked with his sister so that wasn't a problem. Anyway her brothers aim comes on and I assume it was her because he is still away at college, I dont know what to make of that I was afraid to aim either one of them so I just didnt...

What do you have to lose if you message her? Sure, she might talk about seeing you and asking you why you didn't say hi or anything, but once that will pass, you can talk to her again.

And her brother, you used to be on a team together. What gives you more bonding time than a sport? He would probably have nothing negative to say, and just be happy that you talked to him.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Then I am thinking about all of that and I start to think, maybe I am not normal? Is that stalkerish or just normal behaviour?

Its normal behavior for everyone to think. You just got to get passed that self-image thing. Its normal to care for the people you care for. Even if it means going into their private lives, to find out what they think.

Its all normal. But then again, what is normal?

You may not see it, but some people might think they aren't normal, and see you as normal. There is really no such thing as 'normal', you're just being yourself, even if it seems weird.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Should I even care that much...ugh so much...as much as I hate to go this route honestly xanax really does help shave away that paranoia, I think I am going to experiment with that for a short period of time and just see if that can be the extra push I need to get things started.

Just start things naturally, no need to use drugs to force you to do things, even if they are prescribed.

Dude, the problem is not your looks. I guarantee there has been atleast a few girls who have wished you asked them out. The problem is your self-confidence. This isn't because you suck, or you just are this way. This is something you can change, if you make the effort, and things will get a hell of alot better for you. I urge you, reach your full potential in life and get help. You'll wish you'd done it sooner.

h ttp://en.w ikipedia.o rg/wiki/So cial_anxiety (http: //en.wikip edia.org/w iki/Social _anxiety)

Man I am really suprised at how helpfull all of this advice is I really appreciate it, because as pathetic as it is I really have no where else to turn for sound advice.

About the girls brothers aim, that was more of a "I think she just switched from her aim to her brothers to see if I would talk to him" kind of thing, I kind of took it as a sign saying she did want me to talk to her and that made me regret ignoring her before, but also made me think about things more and just get more frustrated. See, right now she is on her aim but talking to her is not even an option. Unless I get an extremely positive response I will take that as a rejection. Plus, I think, well she has her life and I have mine, she will think its weird if I just start talking to her again out of the blue, she will think I am desperate etc. ...what makes me so afraid of rejection is I have nothing to fall back on. If such and such rejects me I have no other friends male or female to call up and hang out with, I have very basic "Hey hows it going" relationships with a few people but nothing more, whenever I try to strengthen a relationship at the slightest sign of rejection (not returned phone call, etc.) I think "Well they are to busy with their lives and I dont want to get up their ass trying to force them to hang out with me" and just give up...

As for the drugs, I am well aware of the risks involved, especially with xanax since it is so fast acting. I just dont think I have what it takes to get past all this second guessing and paranoia and hope to use them as needed to help me get past that and once I do that, then I hopefully will be able to function normally on my own.



Sorry if all these posts are kind of zig-zagging thoughts, I keep proofreading them and thinking of extra things to add in.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Man I am really suprised at how helpfull all of this advice is I really appreciate it, because as pathetic as it is I really have no where else to turn for sound advice.

We all run out of choices to turn to sometime in our life. You just got to realize, that you are the only one keeping yourself back. I know its hard to realize it, and hard to understand it, but once you do so, you'll be happier.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

About the girls brothers aim, that was more of a "I think she just switched from her aim to her brothers to see if I would talk to him" kind of thing, I kind of took it as a sign saying she did want me to talk to her and that made me regret ignoring her before, but also made me think about things more and just get more frustrated.

She might have thought that, you will not know, until you start a conversation with her. Just stop trying to see yourself in the eyes of others. Thats all I can really say.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

See, right now she is on her aim but talking to her is not even an option. Unless I get an extremely positive response I will take that as a rejection.

This is something you have to forget. Just make a conversation, you won't know the response you get until you actually do.

If she hasn't talked to you in a long time, she will be glad to discuss everything that happened through the time you two didn't talk.

So it will probably show a positive response. You won't know until you try. No matter what happens, have faith in yourself. It seems like you're lacking that in you..

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Plus, I think, well she has her life and I have mine, she will think its weird if I just start talking to her again out of the blue, she will think I am desperate etc.

She might like it. From my experience, people like it when you bring them up to date with whats going on with you, after a long time of not talking. Its different for everyone though. Its up to you to decide if you think she will like you, or she won't from the past times you've spent with her and how well you got to know her.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

...what makes me so afraid of rejection is I have nothing to fall back on. If such and such rejects me I have no other friends male or female to call up and hang out with, I have very basic "Hey hows it going" relationships with a few people but nothing more, whenever I try to strengthen a relationship at the slightest sign of rejection (not returned phone call, etc.) I think "Well they are to busy with their lives and I dont want to get up their ass trying to force them to hang out with me" and just give up...

The fear, is the problem. Everyone has the fear of rejection.

I don't know if this is going to make sense, but.. it seems like you're rejecting yourself. Rejecting everything you want to do with your life, because you're afraid of what other people might think.

Rejecting yourself, from what you want to do. I hope that makes sense.

quote:Originally posted by snowman:

As for the drugs, I am well aware of the risks involved, especially with xanax since it is so fast acting. I just dont think I have what it takes to get past all this second guessing and paranoia and hope to use them as needed to help me get past that and once I do that, then I hopefully will be able to function normally on my own.

I tried drugs, now when I'm sober, I feel depressed. You get dependent on them, and you can't stop. I don't think that drugs would help, because when they wear off, you feel like you need them. A mental addiction.

The feeling that drugs give you only goes so long, until you sober up.



quote:Originally posted by snowman:

Sorry if all these posts are kind of zig-zagging thoughts, I keep proofreading them and thinking of extra things to add in.

No, if my advice actually works, I'll be glad. I'll be happy for you - even though I don't know you. Just a happiness you can get from helping someone go through a problem.

And remember, once you get rejected, it may feel like the end of your world, but after.. After, you start realizing, how dumb you were for being so scared.

I don't know if you understand it or not, but.. When I'm typing this up, for you and everyone else that might read it, I feel like I'm typing it up for myself also, so I can read it later, and understand myself more.

Dude you are seriously sounding like how I used to be. The way I got around it mostly was to put myself into situations where I would have to deal with my problems. My biggest problems was that I was shy, over anliased situations, and had anxiety when talking to people(actually a lot of these problems came back and I'm dealing with them as I write this). But anyway put yourself in situtations where your biggest problems will have to be dealt with. Like if your alone and theres a group of people, go up to the group and start talking. Even better is put your self in situations where you make a fool of yourself. It may seem stupid and counter productive but just do it and when everybody is laughing at you or whatever just laugh it off and act like it's no big deal. This will boost your confidence and it will give you something to talk about. One thing you should stay away from is comfortable things your used to, especially if you do them alone. These will drain you and I find probaly the only reason I'm stuck. So pretty much you gotta force your self to go into the unknown and stay away of your normal ways.

Edit: Some other stuff I thought of. You will probaly be better off not useing drugs, it will be harder for you at first but drugs only help for so long then later on they will hold you back. One thing you have to do is stop thinking so much. When you think you waste time, you get anxiety, and usally what you could have done is gone and then you regret not doing it. When you just do it the worst that could happen is you get wierd looks from people but then you could make a big fuss about what there staring at and then they feel bad and you come up on top.

[This message has been edited by Nameless Dude (edited 12-30-2006).]