I'm fucked basically. I am mixed up with a girl right now who has the fear of falling in love. To make things worse I have an anxiety disorder(doc says GAD but I don't like talking about much of my personal life, its probably both GAD and SAD mix). I don't know if anyone here has experience with this at all but if they do they know what I am talking about,this is the biggest mindfuck ever. To try to put it in simple terms she doesn't want to get close to people that she has any feelings for because of fear of losing them and pushes people away and often shows the opposite of what she feels and wants to show. And if anyone here has an anxiety disorder you could understand why this sucks the biggest fucking dick ever. Help?

This is what a therapist was invented for.

quote:Originally posted by azalie:

This is what a the rapist was invented for.

The Rapist?

good plan.

No fucking shit.

Did I mention I am 17?

Replace therapist with Jack Daniels.

quote:Originally posted by PirateJoe:

The Rapist?

good plan.

This plan works too. Approved.

Haha no serious reply is going to come near this thread. I am talking to her now I just sent her an email basically saying "I have an anxiety disorder and you have the fear of falling in love" and showed it from an objective perspective and now we are talking on msn but its not like anything was solved. I still need help with this because both of our disorders/fears/fuckid-upid-ness messes with our day to day lives and whatnot.

I know how you feel. Almost the same exact problem here. She's my girlfriend and all, but she's afraid of taking it farther than that - she can't bring herself to love. So far my strategy is to just be understanding and supportive; I can see why she'd be uncertain, and I think with time she will either grow comfortable enough with me to trust that I won't break her heart, or will realize I'm just not the one for her. But it's hard, because I'm very easily hurt emotionally and incredibly socially anxious, so it takes a lot of effort on my part to keep hoping and trying. But I love her a lot, and I don't mind waiting while she tries to find herself.

You may be over-analyzing the her situation, don't be so sure it isn't because she just doesn't feel that strongly for you.

quote:Originally posted by suissemista:

You may be over-analyzing the her situation, don't be so sure it isn't because she just doesn't feel that strongly for you.

That's what I'm afraid of. Still, she must have some feeling for me or she wouldn't want to be with me so much... and when I suggested that maybe we should just be friends, she cried.

quote:"Replace therapist with Jack Daniels."

Hey man, I'm in a totally different situation, but that's the same solution (hah) I'm using. Take it easy!

phallophobia is even worse than your problem.

quote:Originally posted by 73h_1337_4p741N:

To try to put it in simple terms she doesn't want to get close to people that she has any feelings for because of fear of losing them and pushes people away and often shows the opposite of what she feels and wants to show.

So it's really a fear of abandonment rather than simply a fear of intimacy itself. Do you know much about her past? Perhaps this is rooted in some kind of early childhood trauma involving being abandoned by a love one, death of a parent, etc. I don't think there's really much you can do if this is the case, except try to be supportive & patient while she works through this stuff. If she can't confront these issues on her own/with your support, she should probably see a therapist if she isn't already.

I don't know what to say about your anxiety issues, apparently you're already seeing a doctor about it. Any luck with that?

quote:Originally posted by deadteenager:



I don't know what to say about your anxiety issues, apparently you're already seeing a doctor about it. Any luck with that?

Yeah actually pretty under control some how. I am on paxil which is making me "trip" 24/7 but I haven't had a single panic attack. She hints at bad things happening in her past and says she wants to tell me about them but I guess this whole situation just needs time. And whoever said the thing about overanalyzing the situation called it pretty well, I do that all the time and that was what was happening too. I still have never felt this way over a girl though.

Oh and Twisted Ferret yeah I am doing the same thing as you are basically. I hate how this feels though having to plan and coordinate every move. I am always thinking about the damn girl and its making me crazy.

My ex is EXACTLY how you described. So afraid of losing a loved one that she pushes people away before she can even let a connection grow. That, or she pushes away once she feels she's gotten in too deep.

I get panic attacks. Not ofte, but I get them. So I guess our scenario is the same.

I'll give you a hint to how the story ends: you both break up.

Oh if anybody is interested in the outcome so far... we are going out to lunch and hanging out tuesday! So yes thank you totse for the advice, I might keep this updated because for some reason people like hearing about stuff like this.

Psth, my ex made me afraid of falling in love.

Thats life for ya, so you sooth your fears and think you can find your answers in a war.

A lot of people fear or have issues with falling in love/intimacy/trusting others.

Doesn't necessarily qualify it as a phobia.

It's generally something that can be fixed with time and affection and understanding. Anything based in rationality, is not a phobia, eg, I'm afraid of sticking my hand into a fire. That's not a phobia.

If she's had things happen in the past, painful emotional experiences, that's a rational fear, and rational fears can be overcome, when it comes to emotional matters.. eg, she's afraid of intimacy and affection because someone abused affection from her in the past, by rejection or some other form of emotional pain. With time and understanding, the affection she wants to give will eventually win through, if you're not a dick to her.

Actual phobias tend to be classified as something irrational, which is *much* harder to beat.

Jesus christ, who cares what a phobia is?

I think we all got his point...

Yeah my gf was all scared of falling in love/loving, cos her ex broke her heart so bad. I just stuck around waiting for her to like take a chance of whatever...

Now it's me with the problems, having a tough time dealing with her loving her ex that much :/

The point was that he was overreacting to what is an extremely common situation. A lot of people have issues with trusting enough to love again after having someone break their heart before.. (even if that person never even knew that they were loved)..

It's important to keep things in perspective and not freak out.

quote:Originally posted by Surak:

Hey man, I'm in a totally different situation, but that's the same solution (hah) I'm using. Take it easy!

I think it was Homer Simpson who said it best when he proclaimed "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"

As for the original post, basically the information already provided is what you should go with: be supportive, show her that you can love her and that loving you can make her happy, be patient, etc. And to, of course, keep things in perspective. As wintermute pointed out, it is a somewhat common problem. This, of course, doesn't make it any less of a problem, AIDS is common, but it's still a problem, just don't isolate yourself into thinking this is an unsolvable problem that only applies to you.

Other people have made love work, hell, two of my long-term relationships were with people with huge intimacy issues, so have faith.

It does raise an interesting notion though, that this is so abundantly pervasive, even your anxiety disorder. Why is it that something that shouldn't be a problem for anybody, is a problem for everybody, and nobody seems to care? But this will just get me on a big long palahniuk-esque tangent, and no one wants that.

Good luck.

Well I don't really think its philophobia so much now really as much as I did. I am still FUCKING ASS RAPED by my damn anxiety. Holy shit I have never wanted to kill myself so much in my life.