I'm going to type out here what I really am, I don't know the point of all of this, but I am hoping you people can give me some advice or just tell me what you think,

I'm basicly going to type out my entire life story here and for those who actually read it, you have the patience of a saint.

My name isn't imporant, but I was raised in a large city with my mother and my aunt, I had never met my father due to him being a raging alcholic, aswell as a petty theif. From what I know, he's in prison at the moment, but for all I really know, my mother could be a lying bitch who doesn't want me to see him, or contact him.



My childhood was pretty normal, well as normal as things could be for a child who liked nothing other than to sit in his room and read and draw all day, from the ages of 5-11 , I did little in the way of socializing with other people, infact, I dreaded it, I didn't feel comfortable in public situations where I had to actually talk to be around people, I perfered solitude and the company of books aswell as my artwork, this is probably the happiest period in my life.



Fast-forward to age 13, this was the age where I first began eighth grade (I failed 6th grade due to attendance problems). In eight grade, I was a popular and very loved person at my middle school, I did whatever I wanted, I was a star on the Karate team and I was very active in several school activitys, but all the while, I felt as this was merely a front to get people to leave me alone. It was like I was pretending to be what everyone else loved, and I was good at it, as everyone loved me. I also met my first real girlfriend who I fell "in love" with.



Now don't get me wrong I had girlfriends in the past, but they were nothing more than two or three week relationships that merely annoyed me as I found these girls pretty dense, and lacking substance.

When I met this girl, (I am going to refer to her as Seiyuuki, merely because i'd rather her real name not get out there, and I like the word Seiyuuki). We started going out and as the relationship passed, we both fell head over heels over each other, and we started throwing around that word "love". Now Seiyuuki has several emotional problems that I can't begin to explain, but simply put, she can care about someone with all of her heart, yet still do somthing that makes her lover, completely distrust her. My relationship with Seiyuuki was a semi-long one, it lasted roughly nine months, and during these nine months, both of us were so convinced that we were going to get married and live the perfect life ect ect ect. This really wasn't the case, I secretly allways had my own personal paranoid thoughts of her cheating on me, simply because she was a huge flirt, and me being a very jealous boyfriend, I never felt like I could 100% trust her, this in the end is what made our relationship fall apart. We would break up, go back together all in the sentence, which is pretty common with relationships between many young adolecents.



During the last month we were together, I had caught her talking to some guy on Yahoo about having sex together, as in planning to, weither it was jokingly (like she said) or not, me being a jealous, insecure bastard, I told her I wanted nothing more to do with her, and ever since then, we haven't gotten back together. (there's a lot more on this soon).

Really, I don't know why i'm typing this, as I've said before, I think I really just need a vent for all of my fustration and anger.

When I began ninth grade, I was in a much larger school than my previous one and this really wasn't the problem, the problem with it was, the constant need within me to statisfy everyone around me dispite my own misery. About September of my ninth grade year, I began to smoke marijuana almost daily in order to self medicate my problems with manic depression, and my horrible mood swings. From there I progressed heavily onto other drugs that I loved, (i.e cocaine, mdma, ampetamines). Around this time, Seiyuuki found out that I had been heavy into drug use and we started talking on the phone again and we would talk about getting back together and it made both of us happy to do so, but in reality I think we both knew that once that we broke up the last time, that it would really be the last time we were together. I felt this way at least because while she would tell me constantly that I was her only love, I would find her in a relationship with another guy, or girl, and even though she "loved" me with all of her heart, she wouldn't break up with these people to be with me.

This really was a great mind-fuck to me because really, if she really did love me THAT much, why wouldn't she break up with these people, who in her words "I really don't like them, but when they ask me out, I feel bad if I turn them down", it made no sense to me, it wasn't logical, it was inane, I hated it, and I hated her for it.

Needless to say, I my depression continued, and even though I started to hate everything around me, I still put on my smile and went to school and everyone still was buying into the facade that I presented of what I am, and who I am. Infact, even to this day, the people I am around still don't really know what I think, or how I feel, this is probably the first time I've ever told anyone about anything I feel or think, simply because, well honestly, I don't know.

About the time of Christmas, I was heavy into a horrible 200$ a day cocaine habit and not caring about school anymore, all I wanted to do was snort coke and read books of my choice, I practicly became obessed with reading simply because it was a escape from the (what I percieve as misery), and because while I was reading, I could ask all that were around me to leave me alone while I read (it wasn't a odd request, I suppose, librarys are quiet).



Seiyuuki and I started to talk again, but I allways felt she only came running back to me when her relationships with these other people failed, and even though I knew this, I kept letting her back into my life and she would just confuse me even more with false hopes and lovely whispers about missing me.

Soon, just like before we started to talk about getting back together and she was I suppose, under the impression that we were together, while I wasn't sure of our status.

Around the same time as Seiyuuki got onto this odd status of our relationship, I met someone we will call, Muse. Muse was a forigen exchange student from Italy coming to American for year long program in the highschool I went to. When I met Muse, I knew instantly he was bi, or gay, it was without a doubt obvious to me, weither or not this was obvious to others, I don't know. As muse and I started to hang out more and more, we eventually, became just more than friends. I've never considered to be a homosexual, or bisexual, but somthing was different with our relationship, Muse was everything I pictutured perfect. Soon, Seiyuuki learned of this and she started crying to me, telling me how could I cheat on her with a guy, ect. I really didn't care at this point, I really enjoyed being with muse and the more we were together, the more it didn't matter. This relationship with Muse was secret to everyone but, Seiyuuki, and knowing her big mouth, I knew it wouldn't last long.

After the semester break I received word from Muse that he was failing some classes and that he would have to be shipped back to italy due to the poor grades. This was a very emotional time for me, where my coke habit became increasingly dagerous everyday, and the marijuana smoking was at a all time high. I saw Muse once more after the phonecall and I haven't spoken to him since. I don't consider myself to be homosexual, or bisexual, because simply, I don't think I could ever be with any other man other than muse, he was somthing of my fantasy, he was what I pictured my long time secret love Lestat (yes, from the Anne Rice novels) would be like, and in everyway, he was, in my eyes at least.

Once Muse left, Seiyuuki, hated me, she hated Muse, but she still had a huge part of her that couldn't stop "loving" me, this was when I decided just merely to not speak to her for about 2-3 months.

My life during those 3 months were full of drugs, partys, random hook-ups with various sluts from my highschool and during it all, no one knew how I really felt, I was thinking of suicide on a daily basis and the drugs certainly were not helping. This is when I met my current ex-girlfriend, we will call her Forced.

I started going out with Forced about late march, early april. I really didn't like her, but I loved seeing how much she "loved" me and what she would do to show that, a huge part of me hated stringing her along, setting her up for the inevitable heartbreak that I was eventually going to cause her, yet another part of me was and still is a sadistic asshole who thrives in this type of emotional pain that he can cause another person simply because they care about him so much. I am horribly ashamed about this part of me, and I can say that it is one of my biggest points in my rationality of my own suicide. This is where I get so confused about what I want out of everything where the story might start to make no sense at all.

If you haven't noticed, I contridict myself a lot and honestly, I don't like who I am, I don't like lying to people all of the time, but my lies are so well built that it's almost hard to take down the wall of lies and really let people know who I am, but then again, there is another part of me that doesn't want to be around people and wishes that he could just spend all of his time studying, reading, drawing, writing, and listening to music.



Around mid-april, I got caught at my school with various drugs and I was shipped off to a alternative school, I was still with Forced at the time, and she was under the huge impression (the one I gave her) that I cared about her more than anything and that I truely did love her. In a way, I did love her, I loved her because I was everything to her, she cared about nothing but me and I loved that, I don't think I loved her. This might not make any sense, but that is to be expected

When summer time came around, my personal depression was at a all time low, I simply hated myself, yet I completey loved myself. Near the end of summer, I tried to take my own life by ingesting 400mg of MDMA and 50mg of Xanax, this ended up with me in the mental hospital hating everyone in there because they wouldn't let me end my own life. It's really not clear to my why I wanted to end my own life, I don't think I'll ever figure it out.

After I got out, I really started to think what the hell I was doing with my life, I hated the fact I had gotten caught with drugs at my old school, not because of the fact I was on probation now, and I was at a alternative school, but the fact that it made people think differently of me.

My relationship wtih Forced began to fall apart when I found her talking to another guy on the internet about hooking up, once again, I was outraged, not at the fact that she was cheating (I was no saint in this matter), but the fact she was cheating on ME. It's hard to explain, as much as I hate myself, and even though I am full up to the prim with self pity, and self loathing, I couldn't stand the fact that she had cheated on ME, on ME, the perfect person, or what I thought was the perfet person.

I told her I couldn't trust her and she completely fell apart over it, I had hurt her to the point where she hated me, to this day, we still havent talked every since the words "I hate you Forced, you're nothing to me and all you ever were to me was a stupid play toy that I could use and abuse, I never loved you and I never trusted you.". Looking back on this, that entire thing wasn't exactly true, I did in my own little way, really love her, but it was in a very.. odd way?

This is where I am at in my present situation,

I hate myself, but I completely adore myself.

I have moodswings that even bipolar people would be worried about.

I am not currently in a relationship simply because I am afraid of what will happen, weither it be I really like the girl and get hurt, or the fact that I would hate myself even more if I continued to hurt these females like it was a game or somthing, it doesn't make any sense to me.

It's almost as if I have two completely differnet people inside of me, not like multiple personality disorder, but rather 50% of me is a sociopath, and the other 50% of me is watching the other half of me do horrible things to people, and that's the part that hates myself and where the depression comes from. The other part of me adores me and doesn't mind hurting others for his own personal amusement, but the other part hates me for it. It's as if I am constantly conflicting with myself, with who I want to be, how I want to live, and what I really want to do with my life.

Sigh, I really don't know what else to type here.





[This message has been edited by Pinback (edited 11-30-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by Pinback:



Sigh, I really don't know what else to type here.







Thank fuck for that!

Heh, I didn't realise how long it would be untill I copy/pasted from notepad, I guess that's what I get for abusing ampetamines.

I read every word.

But by the time I reached the end I forgot what the start and middle where about

But nah, seriously, you need to see a shrink or something.

Also I can relate to you when you said being kicked out of school for drugs makes people see you differently. Same thing happened to me, and now people who I knew dont look at me the same, at my old school (one I got kicked out of) they were all snobby, but they were my friends, now they just look down at me like im some drugged up loser. It tears me up inside knowing people I once cared for, people who cared for me, now hate me, and look at me like im a worthless piece of shit.

I can relate to a lot of what you say, just not to such extreme levels.

The problem is, I do see a shrink, but I lie constantly to him just to secure a good perscription. and I also feel that if I told him how I really felt, he'd lock me up.

Go see a fucking phychiatrist.

Seriously. I don't know how to spell it but why are you venting all this stuff, if its true, to us? This is totse, for fucks sake.

If you want to start being relatively normal, therapy will work.

Or try and find that perfect woman that you always imagined. If you do find her, you owe it to yourself who you love so much to not treat her like shit.

If you think you will, don't bother.

[This message has been edited by Ming (edited 11-30-2006).]

What are you trying to accomplish with this post? Or do you just have the need to vent?

TL/DR

I usually read everything in S&A but this thread wasn't interesting.

I have no idea why I made this, I think I just need to throw it out there somewhere.

>.>

quote:Originally posted by Pinback:



Congratulations, you're a teenager. Wait 3-5 years and call me if you have any problems.

quote:Originally posted by Pinback:

I have no idea why I made this, I think I just need to throw it out there somewhere.

>.>



Well. My advice to you is much like the others.

Stop doing drugs, get help, and spend your time "studying, reading, drawing, writing, and listening to music" for a while.



Don't get into any relationships until you have your shit together.

Oh...and getting help doesn't mean lying to your doctor. That's a waste of time and money.

[This message has been edited by oc6 (edited 11-30-2006).]

Does anyone else hate that?

Where you start to read a crap book, but decide to give it a chance and keep reading incase it starts to get interesting.. and then you suddenly realise that you've reached the final page of the book and it didnt get better and you've just wasted the good part of three hours...?

Sometimes it is advisable to read the very beginning and the very ending first, isn't it?

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

Does anyone else hate that?

Where you start to read a crap book, but decide to give it a chance and keep reading incase it starts to get interesting.. and then you suddenly realise that you've reached the final page of the book and it didnt get better and you've just wasted the good part of three hours...?

I'm horribly sorry that I didn't appeal to your intrests and that you wasted your time reading that.

I am so sincere.

Wow man, from the first time we talked we both realized we had a lot in common and shit, but fuck, you and me are a lot alike. I totally know where you're coming from, especially with the two person in one head sort of thing, and the insane mood swings.

Being prescribed Lamictal helped me out a LOT, it didn't change who I am, it just made me balanced. And that's what you have to do, you have to find balance. Sure, you could do it without being prescribed anything, but it helps to know what it's like to be balanced, so then you can do it without any drugs.

If you ever need to talk or anything man, just hit me up. <3

quote:Originally posted by Rizzo in a box:

Wow man, from the first time we talked we both realized we had a lot in common and shit, but fuck, you and me are a lot alike. I totally know where you're coming from, especially with the two person in one head sort of thing, and the insane mood swings.

Being prescribed Lamictal helped me out a LOT, it didn't change who I am, it just made me balanced. And that's what you have to do, you have to find balance. Sure, you could do it without being prescribed anything, but it helps to know what it's like to be balanced, so then you can do it without any drugs.

If you ever need to talk or anything man, just hit me up. <3



Just got done talking to you on AIM.

As to what other's are saying, do you really think therapy would actually help me?

Like I mean, if I printed this little wall of text and asked him to read it, what could come of it?

[This message has been edited by Pinback (edited 11-30-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by Pinback:



if I printed this little wall of text and asked him to read it, what could come of it?



Alot. Thats a very good idea.

quote:Originally posted by Pinback:



Like I mean, if I printed this little wall of text and asked him to read it, what could come of it?



It might present a more clear starting point. But, the success or failure will depend a lot on you....and the right therapist.

Thanks for all of your replys, I would also like more peoples thoughts on this

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

Does anyone else hate that?

Where you start to read a crap book, but decide to give it a chance and keep reading incase it starts to get interesting.. and then you suddenly realise that you've reached the final page of the book and it didnt get better and you've just wasted the good part of three hours...?

Then quit reading shitty romance novels!

quote:Originally posted by Pinback:



Just got done talking to you on AIM.

As to what other's are saying, do you really think therapy would actually help me?

Like I mean, if I printed this little wall of text and asked him to read it, what could come of it?



I really, really doubt it. Unless this therapist is top notch, they just won't have any answers for people like you and me. They'll dwell on the stupidest parts and take things out of context and shit like that. Probably would brand you suicidal.

I wouldn't suggest seeing a therapist unless you really feel the need to.

Oh, and some therapists might see the drugs part and freak out and only talk about that. In fact, I wasn't even allowed to see a therapist because I admitted I smoked weed. They were like, "sober up or we have to send you to the Chemical Addiction therapist". I said, "You do realize I could just lie and say that I've never done weed, or that I've stopped just now, or anything like that?"

The guy was like, "Well, why would you lie to your therapist?"

BECAUSE YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING MORONS. Hahah. oh dear.

[This message has been edited by Rizzo in a box (edited 11-30-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by Rizzo in a box:

I really, really doubt it. Unless this therapist is top notch, they just won't have any answers for people like you and me. They'll dwell on the stupidest parts and take things out of context and shit like that. Probably would brand you suicidal.

I wouldn't suggest seeing a therapist unless you really feel the need to.

Oh, and some therapists might see the drugs part and freak out and only talk about that. In fact, I wasn't even allowed to see a therapist because I admitted I smoked weed. They were like, "sober up or we have to send you to the Chemical Addiction therapist". I said, "You do realize I could just lie and say that I've never done weed, or that I've stopped just now, or anything like that?"

The guy was like, "Well, why would you lie to your therapist?"

BECAUSE YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING MORONS. Hahah. oh dear.



That's what I was most afraid of.

quote:Originally posted by XHippie HunterX:

Then quit reading shitty romance novels!

I cant help it!!

They're so.. LOVE PILLOWS!!



Anyhew, to thread starter,

how does it feel like talking to a therapist?

Is it helpfull? Or do you wake up to the full extent of how no one cares about your little dramas when you realise you actually have to pay someone to listen to you?

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

I cant help it!!

They're so.. LOVE PILLOWS!!



Anyhew, to thread starter,

how does it feel like talking to a therapist?

Is it helpfull? Or do you wake up to the full extent of how no one cares about your little dramas when you realise you actually have to pay someone to listen to you?



I care about his little dramas. Just because you guys are a bunch of self-absorbed fucktards doesn't mean everyone is.

Your problems are your own fault. Stop seeking attention on message boards and fix it yourself, wanker.

quote:Originally posted by legituser:

Your problems are your own fault. Stop seeking attention on message boards and fix it yourself, wanker.

Some people have problems outside of, "What should I wear today?" or in your case, "Was it inhale or exhale? Shit, I can't breathe!"

Do you think everyone is born with the ability to solve all their problems from day one?

quote:Originally posted by Pinback:

I'm going to type out here what I really am, I don't know the point of all of this, but I am hoping you people can give me some advice or just tell me what you think,

I'm basicly going to type out my entire life story here and for those who actually read it

I got up to here and figured "oh shit, here we go another blog entry", then I thought "Too long/Didn't read"

quote:Originally posted by Mindless Xyzzyean:

Originally posted by Pinback:

I'm going to type out here what I really am, I don't know the point of all of this, but I am hoping you people can give me some advice or just tell me what you think,

I'm basicly going to type out my entire life story here and for those who actually read it

I got up to here and figured "oh shit, here we go another blog entry", then I thought "Too long/Didn't read"



So you posted...why, exactly?

quote:Originally posted by Rizzo in a box:

Some people have problems outside of, "What should I wear today?" or in your case, "Was it inhale or exhale? Shit, I can't breathe!"

Do you think everyone is born with the ability to solve all their problems from day one?

In the case of the weak minded, I suggest turning towards religion then.

quote:Originally posted by legituser:

In the case of the weak minded, I suggest turning towards religion then.

Religion rarely solves people's problems.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

Thank fuck for that!

BWAAJHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!

Yeah, you sound a lot like me. I hate myself. I'm filth. And yet... somehow, I have a huge ego. I don't really understand how I can think I'm better than everyone, but hate myself as well. I'm extremely depressed now, but I know I will never kill myself. I have too much to prove.

Another coke addict on S&A? Great....

To OP:

I think you should do this more often. Keep a journal with you and jot down things that pop into your mind.

It might just illeviate some of the day to day burdens!

Talking, getting it out there, or even just writing stuff down is so important to stepping on from it.

quote:Originally posted by CarbonB:

Another worthless post by Carbon? Great....

fixed for accuracy

just finished reading...feel for you, man, but i gotta ask, (stupid question really), your middle school had a karate team? damn, kinda cool...was it forms, or sparring?

quote:Originally posted by kman101:

just finished reading...feel for you, man, but i gotta ask, (stupid question really), your middle school had a karate team? damn, kinda cool...was it forms, or sparring?

Actually it was both, I am currently a 1st degree black belt in Chun Kuk Do.

Here is a update on my current situation, I've decided to go to a rehab program. I will know more details on Monday.

quote:Originally posted by Rizzo in a box:

fixed for accuracy

Is that you fullcircle? I see editing posts in the only thing you could come up with, I give you a thumbs down with a bonus fuck you!

After a long ass time, BUMP.
My situation hasn't changed much, I've been through jail and rehab, still a drug addicted loser and living with my mom. I've lost a shit load of weight and am currently pondering quiting drugs or just keep on keepin on.
:)
I am happy now though, i've learned to just let go :)

For 200 bucks a day you could have done a shitload more than drugs my friend.

Here's the huge throwup of what has happend since the original post.

1. Violated probation spent 9 months in a correctional facility.
2. Spent 3 months in rehab.
3. I've been out of jail/rehab since January 1st 2008.
4. I'm 18 now, har har.
5. I've done 10x the amount of drugs since i've gotten out of jail/rehab than I did before I went in.
6. My relationships with my current girlfriends have all been the same story, fast paced lovers, horrible breakups, ect.
7. The moodswings and other mental problems no longer plague me due to my own inner peace with myself.
8. I've had 7-8 jobs since January and I have quit them all due to drug problems or just flat out disliking my job.
9. I'm attending college.
10. I have a girlfriend I cheat on regularly, and I don't mind it anymore.

I guess I have just said fuck it and let myself be me.
:)

Just keep repeating what you've already found doesn't work. That sounds like a prime idea to me.

I don't repeat the same mistakes, just make more of the same type.
It's called insanity :)

Very true. Life is here to experience in any way you want. This is your own personal Star Trek holodeck for all your pleasure and pain.

Quit being such a fucking retard. Is that really the sort of lifestyle you want? I mean, if so, go for it, but maybe take a little look into the future before you continue any further that way.

Hey man, you sound pretty far gone to me, but both of these things helped my personal power immensely, and my life is the richer for it.

http://www.miguelruiz.com/fouragreements.html

and

http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_forum.jsp

Landmark is semi-expensive (around $500) but completely worth it.


I hope you find what you're looking for . . .