No one understands the depth of the pain and depression I feel and have from not being with my best friend who is my boyfriend and our best friend who live in IL, when i live in FL. Yes, I do have some pain and sadness for not being with my boyfriend, but thats not where most of this is comming from.

All my life, I NEVER felt accepted by ANYONE. Not with "friends", parents, school, church, anyone or anywhere. And it turns out that alot of my depression, that I had for the past few years, comes from this, having the feeling of never being accpected, and sometimes, I do find it, and then it is brutly ripped away from me. For the first time in my life, I finially felt accepted and care for by someone, TWO someones. It is the best feeling to truly know that you are accepted and cared for. Words cannot describe it. Yet again, it was ripped away from me, in a very short amount of time. Then I come back home. Home, a place where I feel I don't belong, I'm not accepted, and disliked. It is torture being here, when I know that there are people who do accept and care for me. This has been like the worst week of my life, not being there with them, and having and knowing people hate me here. Yes, I still do talk to them online, but it is not the same. The feeling does not transmit through IMs. Sometimes on the phone it does, but when it does, it breaks my heart that I don't have the whole thing, and I'm not there with them, and I live in a world that i'm hated.

Then i act stupid, and make it worse. When a person feels pain, they want to stop it, they will run away from the pain. And I irrationlly think that if I push them away, I think that they don't like, or anything of that sort, I won't have to deal with the pain that I'm not with them, or when they leave, i won't feel the pain. But all i really do is make myself feel worse, and make them feel bad too.

It will be a long time untill i get to see them again.

I don't know how long I can deal with this pain.

Any ideas on what i can do to not feel this pain or deal with it

[This message has been edited by Saphi (edited 12-18-2006).]

Some people will accept you as you are, no matter what your 'negative' qualities may be.