Since I've got nowhere (and to no one else) to say any of this, I'll pile it all into one spot here, if you don't mind. It is relationship/affection related, so cut me a bit of slack please.

As I doubt any of you remember, I broke up with my gf about a month ago. At the end, it came down to alcohol/parties vs. me. I know that 10 times out of 10, I'll lose that, and that's the way it went, of course.

Now, we still talk sometimes, I've gotten the whole 'still love you/get back together after school (May/march, ish)' bit, and all that, I can't say I believe in it anymore, logically speaking, I know 99.9% of odds rest on that option/me existing till something/someone better comes along, as pessimistic as it is, it's likely right, and I don't feel like falling for her again only to go through weeks/months of suck again.

Now, the other point concerning her. Seeing as it ended with alcohol/party vs. me, it still hurts a bit to hear about her going off and doing just that, flirting with guys/etc. then coming back to me and telling me about it. I know she doesn't see how it feels on this end, of course, and somehow I lack the heart/balls to explain that, I suppose a part of me thinks I'd feel worse off in a few ways not talking to her/etc. at all, though a larger part knows it's better for me not to. It's only been a month so I've still got some feelings for her, and no real way to get rid of them (alcohol is possible, but gets me in shit with dad/etc., see below, sports/etc. are there and all but a lot less so now (no snow yet, but it's cold, nothing I can do, really). Bah. Just.. her going out that often and pretty much bragging over it, knowing that was why we broke up (tipped it over the edge) stings me a bit every single time, which is about 4 or so times a week, sometimes 5. I don't feel like bringing it up for reasons already stated, and it would cause a small arguement over it, and I've got enough of that (see below) and I know it goes nowhere but making me feel like shit, so I don't do it.

Second...

I've gotten into a few big arguements/fights (not physical) with my dad lately, over schoolwork/job/anything and everything. This happens sometimes, and I've got no way at all of rationally talking to him about it, and it's pretty much always ending in him yelling at me, I've learned that saying anything only extends it pointlessly and goes nowhere. I always come out of it feeling like worthless shit, bah. I'd like to just knock him out sometime or something equally drastic, but I'm 18, I can be kicked out, have nowhere to go, can't afford to live on my own, have to save up for univeristy/whatever the future holds, and I can't have assault/etc. charges against me fired from job, etc.) since that would mess too much up. Only option is to sit and bear it, or sit tight while I have to, I've got no other options for about the next 8 months that'll get me anywhere at all.

At school, being a returning grade 12 student (I already messed it up once, if I do now I don't know what I've got left), I'm a year or so older than a lot of the other students. I've got a different style (sort of preppy, I suppose) and whatnot than the, different wavelenghts so to speak, for the most part, making it hard to meet/etc. girls there.

I've got times when I feel good/alright, but generally that's when I'm not seeing the bad/negative things, or not arguing/etc. Sometimes, I'm like this, pretty pessimistic/bleak and not seeing much more than the bad things. I try to stay as positive as I can, but I can only take so much at once, and tonight, a big arguement with the dad, and the ex heading out again to some large party at the guy's dorms, about which I know I'll hear about later, has brought me down again.

For anyone that just read all that whether you reply or not, thanks, that means a lot to me right now, and sorry it was so long. :\

TL/DR

Yeah, I read it. That sucks. Get some kind of hobby that can be practiced indoors. Where do you live?

If there was snow on the ground, I'd be snowboarding. if it were warmer, I'd be on a mountain bike. Not much I typically do indoors. I'm about a week from getting my G2 licence and able to drive alone, so I know I'll be out doing that, alone or with friends, when I can.

Today I'm feeling somewhat better, work tends to help somehow, probably just getting my mind off of it :\

Start going to the gym, you'll feel better.

And stop talking to your ex, she's just bad news. And when she talks to you about flirting with other guys, she knows this is going to make you jealous, that's why she does it. So make sure you avoid the ex. The whole getting back together at the end of the school year is bullshit. You'll find someone if you stop looking.

And with the dad thing, I'm kind of on the same boat as you, for like 2 months straight all we did was fight about everything. Everything I did(or it seemed at the time), he'd yell at me and shit. Just try to bear it out, don't argue back, it won't get you anywhere, and most of all you don't want him kicking you out. You need his house and food right now, so just try to maybe avoid him all together.

Hope that helps a little. Good Luck.

Pretty much in the same situation with my ex. Although I think she is starting to realize dumping me in the first place was a mistake. Because I was good to her, and she thought I wasn't, but now all she is coming across is asshole guys who are just trying to get in her pants. But if she comes crying back to me I'll probably say fuck you. She should have had some faith in our relationship.

(Yeah, I read it. That sucks. Get some kind of hobby that can be practiced indoors. Where do you live?)(sorry, dont know how to quote someone) sorry if this isnt my place to say, but...hobby+practice indoors=something like...masterbating? or, if you're a nerd, d'n'd or magic, those are kinda fun(yes, im a nerd)

Thanks for the responses, all.

I do go to the gym, I have weightlifting first period in school, and I hop by the school gym sometimes. Fine there, I'm happy with myself physically, no lack of confidence there.

Stopping talking to the ex entirely is possible, but that sap part of me that still has feelings for her doesn't want to, that and it would hurt her to do so, but those thoughts are fading, i think, just takes time, but her coming back to me after a day or so of not talking, because she 'can't stand it' can't help me much.

I know that's bullshit, and there to make her feel better, she's already said, repeatedly that us breaking up was a mistake, etc. She's told me that she's tried hanging out with some guy a few times, but it only made her think of me more/remind of how 'awesome [I] was' and whatnot, but I'll say that had the very, very opposite effect of what she wanted it to. I'm not considerng getting back together with her, for the record, that was one of the last nails in the coffin of that.

With the dad bit.. I do what I can, it sucks to have him stand and just scream at me for an hour like that, but yeah, gotta deal with it. No chance of avoiding him, we get home about the same time, house isn't that big, and my own comp is broken right now, and lacking internet. :\

Btw, Paul Kemp, nice attitude with the ex there, I say. Stand for something or you'll fall for anything, one of my general 'rules'.

Today was a small dose of what I need, there's a new girl at work, and we flirted/etc. a bit today, randomly, during and after work for a while, sitting in her car (got a ride home). In this mindset, actively looking for a girl isn't too high on my list, but I'll see how it goes, meh.

Up, up and away, I hope?

Edit: I jerk it a few times a week, usually, it's far from taking up my time but it clears my head sometimes, at least. Besides being, y'know', fun/neccesary.

[This message has been edited by Orange_Crusader (edited 11-28-2006).]