i have been dating this girl for a month an a half. in that time, things have moved really fast, and it seems to be going pretty well for us both.

however, she wants to go visit he ex boyfriend and his family in mid december for a few days. she says that she loves me, and that she would never hurt me, cheat, or anything.

she still talks to him on the phone every once in a while, and says that they are just friends, and that while he was her first, and there is a part of him that will always be with her, she loves me too much to destroy our relationship.

we talked about this tonight, and i was pretty upset. i have known about this for a while, before we even started dating.

but, before we started dating, her reasons were becuase she wanted to see if they still had anything going for themselves. now she says that she just wants to visit, and see his family, becuase they were pretty close.

keep in mind that this is roughly 1000 miles away.

so, what is everyones thoughts?

thanks!!

Dude, why the hell do you care so damn much? You've know her for less than a year (hell, less than one fourth of a year). Tell her to have a great time, and say "Hello" to him for you.

It makes you seem less like a jealous nitwit, and more like a laid back asshole. Which, really, is the better thing to be if you want her to stay with you.

If she wants to cheat on you with him then she will. All your worrying about it ain't gonna change it none.

You have no choice really but to trust her and show her that you trust her.

I think she isn't thinking things through. She genuinely believes she can go see his family and be 'just a friend' to him.

It don't work but she ain't old enough to realise that yet.

I think she doesn't know what she's talking about.

She loves you after a month and a half? Too much to compromise it?

Sorry love, but a month and a half really isn't enough time to establish a serious relationship.

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:

I think she doesn't know what she's talking about.

She loves you after a month and a half? Too much to compromise it?

Sorry love, but a month and a half really isn't enough time to establish a serious relationship.

Sorry FK but in this you are wrong. Everyone is different.Mrs Ketch and I decided within 24 hours of meeting that we were going to marry and have kids.

How much do you know about their relationship?

I gave up a close friendship with an ex for a man I was only dating a short time because it bothered him that we were still friends. We were over and I would never have had a fling with my ex. But I told my ex that it bothered my new beau and because of it we needed not to be so close. He did protest, but complied.

They are ex's. It's hard telling what feelings are there between them, but I can attest to the fact that an ex can become only a friend. (well, at least on my end...I really shouldn't presume to speak for him, I suppose...)





[This message has been edited by oc6 (edited 11-25-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by -OutKast-:

he was her first, and there is a part of him that will always be with her

That part was the most important bit right there. My first gf was my first everything. First kiss, first time I was in love, first relationship, first time having sex. And for a while, she did have a part of my heart...

Until I feel for my current girl. Everything associated with that time feels pale. Like it never happened. I find the odd picture. I feel nothing now. My beloved is just so amazing that old shit with other girls just does not matter. Simple as that.

i'm not buying it. 1000 miles? staying with the family? leaving you to see them for the holidays? she's keeping up the connection, and going out of her way to do it. this is not to say that she is going there to cheat on you. in fact, it's pretty doubtful, with the parents right there and everyone knowing she has a boyfriend. (they do know, don't they?) but i wouldn't bank on this being a completely benign visit. not to say that you should get jealous or worried. but maybe you should take the whole relationship with a grain of salt and maybe go visit an ex of your own, you know what i mean? (figuratively. don't go off having sex with other girls, now!)

[This message has been edited by lauren7249 (edited 11-25-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

Sorry FK but in this you are wrong. Everyone is different.Mrs Ketch and I decided within 24 hours of meeting that we were going to marry and have kids.



And look how it turned out ;p

While I understand your feelings, you have to trust her. It's likely that if he makes a move on her, she'll react badly, and it will damage their relationship. So in a way, that could be a good thing.

Just view this as a test of your relationship, and have faith that she'll succeed

Tell her it's him or you.

Women who can't let their exes go can't be trusted.

Chances are she'll bang him and then come back and act like nothing happened.

Worst part is... you'll never really know.

^ Yeah good on you two for being supportive.

Don't listen to those wankers.

quote:Originally posted by stab:

^ Yeah good on you two for being supportive.

Don't listen to those wankers.

Are you honestly saying you'd SUPPORT your girl visiting her ex a thousand miles away and completely trust her?

You're either stupid, don't care about being cheated on, or just pklain in denial.

Oh well, as they say, ignorance is bliss.

I am curious about one thing. Does this fella live near her family?

show trust.

sorry guy, but it sounds like shes dating you just to:

a) make her ex jealous

b) use you to establish feelings for her ex in herself

just be the nice guy and go with it.

As far as I know, I think he lives with his grandparents.

she has addmitted to me about lying about ther first relationship though. she said that the reason that broke up was becuase he called it off after a while becuase he didnt want a long distance relationship. On thanksgiving, she told me that she cheated on him, and that they continued, and he cheated on her, and that is what broke it up.

she said that the reason for cheating was becuase this guy was her first, and she was curious to how other guys kissed. she swore she didnt have sex with him.

anyway, we are pretty far into the relationship. we have already talked about marrage and kids, even though i havent even proposed to her yet. i have hinted, and she figured it out, and said she will gladly accept it.

also, she was initially going to move almost 1000 miles to go to college, but after i met her, she has been looking into closer colleges, out of town, but not out of state. and we also agreed to move in together.

in a way i trust her, but if the oppritunity presented itself, i have no idea how she would react to cheating on me with a guy that she said she loved for 3 years of her life.

This is going to be a difficult thing for you, I see. Try to think of it like this. I think this is her [and your] opportunity for her to find closure. It's probably something she needs to do before moving on.



[This message has been edited by oc6 (edited 11-25-2006).]

Honestly, I can't imagine this. What kind of fucking douchebags do these people have to be? I am of course referring to the exes who become such close friends with girls they used to date? WTF? Did the girl chop their fucking nuts off or something while they were still together?

She cheated because she wanted to see how other guys kissed...?

She lied about the reason why she broke up in the first place?

I would know what to do in your place. But you don't.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

If she wants to cheat on you with him then she will. All your worrying about it ain't gonna change it none.

You have no choice really but to trust her and show her that you trust her.

I think she isn't thinking things through. She genuinely believes she can go see his family and be 'just a friend' to him.

It don't work but she ain't old enough to realise that yet.

He's got it right, there's nothing you can do to change her perceptions, and hopefully she'll realise that maybe going to visit an ex 1000 miles away, to hang out for however long as 'just friends' is gonna stay 'just friends' and not visit anything for old times sake, or not be tempted to revisit their old relationship.

Hopefully dude, she'll manage to keep it just friends and not cheat on you, good luck ...

You're the rebound.

Your girlfriends broken, get a new one.

I wouldn't worry about it. I love my ex boyfriend's family and will definitely visit them sometime in the future, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I'm in love with my boyfriend now.

quote:Originally posted by Sick_Boy:

I wouldn't worry about it. I love my ex boyfriend's family and will definitely visit them sometime in the future, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I'm in love with my boyfriend now.

It's girls like you that make guys like me vomit with rage/jealousy.

Goddammit,why can't girls understand that the guy your with wants you to have no ties or communication with old boyfriends in ANY way?



You figure after all these years they'd learn.

quote:Originally posted by Chronos139:

Tell her it's him or you.

Women who can't let their exes go can't be trusted.

I gotta agree with you here, an ex I went out with like 2 years ago has cheated on almost every semi-serious boyfriend's she's had since then with me.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

If she wants to cheat on you with him then she will. All your worrying about it ain't gonna change it none.

You have no choice really but to trust her and show her that you trust her.

I think she isn't thinking things through. She genuinely believes she can go see his family and be 'just a friend' to him.

It don't work but she ain't old enough to realise that yet.

In high school I used to have a girlfriend who would ever so often go up state to visit her old time boy's parents with whom he lived with, whom are paradoxically were quite nice.

But, before he graduated, I locked horns with the former boyfriend ever so often because we were both amorous towards her...

And when she'd go a visiting, I'd chide her (what? I was in highschool...) and she'd give me that tired line that 'I'm on my period, don't worry, don't you trust me?'

So after two rounds of worry and concern I thought to myself...'Fuck it, find some tail, she's obviously nailing him'.

It was amazing how long that under-the-table-yet-obvious-but-we-never-talk-about-it spat of polygyny lasted.

Good times, makes me yearn for those open relations cultures.

Also, jackketch is pretty much right...for once. =P

However, if you act shady, she might not be inclined to so say 'prove her trust'...nor appreciate it and then go off on a little sexual tantrum.

Don't fuck with her, let her know you trust her, you do don't you?

Oh, you don't? Is that why you are posting this?

Ok, lie to her, and get some preemptive vengence box just in case.

You probably won't feel bad about it.

Even if she's not going to cheat it's still totally inappropriate. Things like this will gnaw away at you and ruin your relationship, sooner rather than later.

quote:Originally posted by Chronos139:

It's girls like you that make guys like me vomit with rage/jealousy.

Well I'm sorry to hear that. I really don't think it's a big deal. But maybe that's because in my situation, I would be going to visit the family, not the ex.

OP have you asked her why she's going?

She still says its for the family, even though he lives with them.

she seems to really care about how i feel about it though, and she keeps assuring me that she doesnt love him like she loves me, and that nothing will happen. in fact she seems caring about everything.

i have to admit that i have regained some confidence in her though. she keeps saying she wants to marry me, and cant wait to see what great things our future brings.

also, she is friends with a lot of my friends, and they seem to think also, that although it is inappropriate, she will stay true to her word.

i really love her, and i am confident that she loves me, but sometimes my mood changes and i think of only the worse.

maybe i am just too paranoid?

anyway, for the helpful posters, thanks a lot!

keep the responses coming!

thanks!

You want to marry a cheater?

You're crazy.

Is the back of your good hand defective or something?

Wow, you sound like a really intense boyfriend - in regards to the marriage thing, after only a month and a half.

She doesn't sound very trusting IMO, but I only know what you told us..

Trusting women is for idiots, how many women have you knowingly fucked that had boyfriends? How many of those boyfriends do you think found out?

The most successful marriage i know has lasted because they both fight to keep eachother, even if the fight the spouse to prevent the spouse from cheating.

Go with your instincts! If you have a bad feeling, there's a reason why, you just haven't exactly found it yet. I was in the same situation (without the 'shes going to visit them' part) and she said the same stuff and then I found solid proof that she was lying.