Well Im sure you guys wont miss me from totse or even notice im gone but Im going away.

Iv had some fucked up stuff happen to me iv lost my best friend and girlfriend. I have to get away from this town I don’t care how and I don’t care where or how much. Im going towards Devon booking coach tickets later today to Exeter and from there who knows. At the moment I don’t even want to be alive I haven’t slept in 72hours or eaten in over 48 I know its very emo and yeah shit happens but Im fed up with life.

I was never happy before I met this girl she was the only person I could talk to and made the past year and a half of my life the best ever. She completely changed me for the best, got me off drugs, motivated me and made me a happier person.

She was the only person I have ever trusted and I trusted her with every secret I had. She’s gone now and Im back to square one a reclusive freak with nothing to live for. I did everything for this girl and iv had it thrown all back in my face, I gave her my heart and now its been ripped out and torn into shreds. This isn’t a normal break up, iv broken up with people before and it was nothing like this. Im 18 yet I thought she really was the one I was prepared to do anything for her. I would happily die just to hug her and see that love in her eyes again but that’s never going to happen again. Apparently she wasn’t happy anymore I did everything I could and I thought things were fine but then suddenly out of the blue she leaves me, She didn’t even say good bye or hug me she couldn’t even look at me she has spent the last 3months on and off lying about how she feels for me and I was completely oblivious. I knew there were problems and I did everything I could to fix them I tried so hard but It wasn’t enough, she never tried she couldn’t be bothered to do anything.

Two nights before this we were actually planning a holiday and I took her out for a meal, the real mind fuck was whilst we were doing this she was actually thinking about breaking up with me. All I needed in life was someone I could depend on, I grew up with a shit school life, bullied every day and friends who took you for granted. I got past that when I left school I was happy on the outside but not on the inside the bullying had scarred me for life and I could never tell anybody about the things that had happened to me until I met this girl. She made my life whole for the first time ever I was truly happy. She really did love me we were soul mates I never had so much in common with somebody, we instantly clicked. For about 8 months everything was more than perfect. Then things started to go downhill we always managed to fix things and we would be ok for about a month then in the summer she decided she didn’t have any feelings for me. She went away for a weekend and missed me so much but I had prepared myself for the worst. When she came back things were back to normal if not better than ever. But it took a long time for me to heal and get that trust back again. Then suddenly she dumps me, says she’s not happy and runs off.

I have some of the most amazing friends and family in the world but they aren’t the sort of people I can talk to like I could to her I cant express my emotions with anyone else the closest I have is one of her best friends who’s just gone through a bad break up iv been texting her all the time for the last two days she’s been wonderful. My friends came round last night just as I was trying to get to sleep and took me to the pub. They made me feel wonderful but as soon as Im alone I cant do anything I feel so lonely I cant talk to her iv got to give her some space and apparently all the things I say are putting her under pressure. After all the things iv done for her iv got very little in return except for a broken heart.

I need to get away from this town all everything I look at has memories and its the most painful thing iv ever experienced.

Like I said I don’t care where, how or anything I need to get away if anybody has any suggestions preferably in the south of England towards Devon... Please help.

I would also like to say as much I hate life at the moment if it wasn’t for my friends and family I would be dead now. Without them I really wouldn’t have anything to life for but sometimes friends isn’t enough.

Just in case I decided not to come back Id like to thank all my friends, my family especially my mum, the girl iv been texting they have made the last two days, the worst two days and nights of my life almost bearable. They have made a real difference.

I would also Like to thank everyone on totse for keeping my mind of things and making my laugh at dark times you may not know it but you guys have made a difference to my life. Totse has taught me a lot its got me through a lot. Iv learnt hugely from totse and I owe my warped sense of humour to you guys.

An extra bigthank you to the guys have made an effort to actually read this. I know totse isn’t a blog but sometimes it helps to get things like this out of your system.

I can expect to see many replies such as too long/didn’t read, to emo/didn’t read, huff raid and murder/suicide.

But fuck it there are people on totse who do care, there are people who do listen out there, shining in a sea of immature 13 year olds with internet connexions.

Edit: I tried to spell check it and put in paragraphs I did my best but when your as exausted as me its difficult sorry and Thank you



[This message has been edited by whiteymoza (edited 11-16-2006).]

Did she give you a reason?

I read it all too.

Not happy, bored I guess. She seems to want one of those new fairytale relationships for the rest of her life. She said we were like an old married couple. Thing is iv been trying so hard these past 4 months to hold it together. Trying to do new different things and do stuff she wanted but its not enough.

Shes gona hurt a lot of guys out there if thats what she wants.

quote:Originally posted by whiteymoza:

Not happy, bored I guess. She seems to want one of those new fairytale relationships for the rest of her life. She said we were like an old married couple. Thing is iv been trying so hard these past 4 months to hold it together. Trying to do new different things and do stuff she wanted but its not enough.

Shes gona hurt a lot of guys out there if thats what she wants.

Well she shoulda realized thats how it seems sometimes when your in a committed relationship. You should atleast try to talk to her if you still love her.

How old is this girl?

quote:Originally posted by jvm222:

Well she shoulda realized thats how it seems sometimes when your in a committed relationship. You should atleast try to talk to her if you still love her.

How old is this girl?

Well on the day I text her mulitple times and emailed her.. No reply the next day no reply. Then last night I spoke to her briefly on msn. I think we do need space, everyone says we need space. Iv got mixed feeling about it, I really want to call her or text her or email her but iv gone all of today without. Im going to go tomorrow and she can have all the space she wants im going to leave my fone at home.

Hey, I read the whole post.

I've been through a similarly rough breakup that had a devastating effect on me, so I know there's not much I or anyone can say that would really comfort you right now.

But look at this way: A lot of people, probably most people in the world, never even get to taste that kind of love, that perfect connection, that total beauty. At least you've tasted it, man -- one of the truly transcendent experiences available to humans in this life.

You'll be stronger when you heal from this -- and you will heal, it just takes time, patience, & the will to accept your pain and move forward regardless of the circumstances. That may sound like a load of bullshit, but speaking from personal experience, it holds true.

Now moving away & getting a fresh start can be a great way to gain a new perspective on things etc, but don't make any rash decisions while you're in this state. You haven't slept for over 3 days and you haven't eaten a bite in 2 days? No one can think halfway straight under those conditions. Do whatever you can to get some sleep & food in your system, and then make a decision about where to go next.

Hang in there, man. You'll make it through this.

Feel dizzy after all that reading without me glasses...But whatever.

Screw her mate...She's a dumb bitch for leaving you.

Keep your fucking head up mate...Don't let this dopey fucker hurt you or take you down!

I was bullied in school and have had some bad shit happen to me. Live with it. It makes you stronger!

Gimme her number and I'll fuck her up big time son!

And don't fucking go to Devon...It's shit there...If you wanna go anywhere, go to Norfolk and say you're from London.

You'll have a new girl within hours!

She will know things to do to you that will blow your mind!

After that drunken rant...Don't do anything stupid mate...She ain't worth it. Nobody is.

Keep your chin up and know that there are people around who care too much about you to leave.

Knock it off, brother.

I'm in Exeter

quote:Originally posted by wires:

I'm in Exeter

cool, well my coach is at 1.30 tomorrow Iv got a ticket. From there iv got no idea.. Do you know any good places to drink? Good ceap acommodation?

quote:Originally posted by psycho_8b:

Feel dizzy after all that reading without me glasses...But whatever.

Screw her mate...She's a dumb bitch for leaving you.

Keep your fucking head up mate...Don't let this dopey fucker hurt you or take you down!

I was bullied in school and have had some bad shit happen to me. Live with it. It makes you stronger!

Gimme her number and I'll fuck her up big time son!

And don't fucking go to Devon...It's shit there...If you wanna go anywhere, go to Norfolk and say you're from London.

You'll have a new girl within hours!

She will know things to do to you that will blow your mind!

After that drunken rant...Don't do anything stupid mate...She ain't worth it. Nobody is.

Keep your chin up and know that there are people around who care too much about you to leave.

Knock it off, brother.

I dont really want to get with any girls at the moment I just want to get completely bladdered! Im going to exeter because I have mates at uni there and also I got a coach ticket. I can also get to bristol pretty easily from there which may be my next stop.

I dont want anybody to fuck her up I still care about her deeply and I need her soppourt as a friend.. Also She has a load of my stuff and owes me money.

Oh yeah and I wasnt drunk when I wrote that, Im just very tired and weak.

I guess you are doing the best thing to leave. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I've been through times as well when I've felt I had nobody. I've never been through such a thing that you're explaining but I'm sure it's hard.

Somebody said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I believe this will. You'll get over it eventually, perhaps a part of you will remain with her but you're only 18, you've got a full life ahead of you. Man can't live as an island, that's one thing that defines us as human beings. The need of one another. You've got people pushing you back up, now all you've got to do is focus on what you want to get done. Vacationing is good for some time but you really need to return to home at some point. Love is the single most important thing I believe we can experience. You've still got it from your family and friends. Just don't do anything stupid.

Things don't always work out the way you would like them to. We just have to except that and keep on keepin' on.

Anyways, I really hope you find yourself and regain your strength. I'm sure you will. It'll just take time. Good luck.

To drink, I suggest Chumleys or Coolings, Timepiece bar in the evenings, and I would probably stay in the White Hart, but I'm not sure.

Thank you guys so much, im so glad I didnt post this in SG! Im feeling a bit better now mostly with the soppourt of this other girl its helped a hell of a lot and im leaving tomorrow and I cant wait! Iv packed my bags and I cant wait to get out this house it has way too many memories. I have huge blank spaces on my wall where I took all my pictures down and the paintings she painted me. All safe in a safety deposit box along with all my old momentos like my pipe and old fake id!

I feel fine at the moment but its like a rollercoaster. One moment you feel like shit the next your euphoric.

Its the most painful thing iv ever gone through even compared to almost 8 years of physical and mental bullying and harrasment.

My mum got me a pack of sleeping pills, theyre herbal, Shit I know but it says on the packet I cant overdose... Ons stupid thing I wont be doing.

Its not the fact that shes gone that hurts its that after everything we have ever gone through this is it, I thought I meant a lot to her but to be honest shes done fuck all to help me. I relyed on her so much im having to re-learn how to rely on myself and help myself.

quote:Originally posted by whiteymoza:

Thank you guys so much, im so glad I didnt post this in SG! Im feeling a bit better now mostly with the soppourt of this other girl its helped a hell of a lot and im leaving tomorrow and I cant wait! Iv packed my bags and I cant wait to get out this house it has way too many memories. I have huge blank spaces on my wall where I took all my pictures down and the paintings she painted me. All safe in a safety deposit box along with all my old momentos like my pipe and old fake id!

I feel fine at the moment but its like a rollercoaster. One moment you feel like shit the next your euphoric.

Its the most painful thing iv ever gone through even compared to almost 8 years of physical and mental bullying and harrasment.

My mum got me a pack of sleeping pills, theyre herbal, Shit I know but it says on the packet I cant overdose... Ons stupid thing I wont be doing.

Its not the fact that shes gone that hurts its that after everything we have ever gone through this is it, I thought I meant a lot to her but to be honest shes done fuck all to help me. I relyed on her so much im having to re-learn how to rely on myself and help myself.

I'm really glad to hear you're not planning on turning to drugs. That's so great. Natural healing is the best way to go.

I'm sure everything will work out great for you. And I've noticed you on totse before, for the record. I enjoy your posts and I will miss you!

quote:Originally posted by sylph:

I'm really glad to hear you're not planning on turning to drugs. That's so great. Natural healing is the best way to go.

I'm sure everything will work out great for you. And I've noticed you on totse before, for the record. I enjoy your posts and I will miss you!

Why thank you! Nice to know I can be appreciated! Before this girlfriend all I used to do was get stoned all day every day but she showed me how I was throwing my life away and made me a better person.

Iv been offered it twice today and once yesterday and all three times I turned it down.

I do admit I will probably get out of my face this weekend but I don’t tend to drink myself to unconsciousness I moderate it very carefully and know when to stop.

Im sure I will survive, Im more worried about my less than streetwise friend.

Right im off now, My mate has just sold his tv, Playstation, all his games and dvds and a load of other stuff to fund this little escapade!

Im lucky to have such great friends. And thank you totse for the small number who took the time to reply and try to make me feel better its made a difference!

Hey, man, I'm American and don't have much say in where you're going, but have fun and stay safe.

Play it cool.

Forget about Exeter. You should hitchhike your way up to the Orkney Islands and start over.

quote:Originally posted by whiteymoza:



You're an inspiration . I dont know for what, but you're certainly cool.

I read maybe 3 sentences. I'll say I'm sorry anyways.

Hey, Im nowhere near you, a good 10 hour plane ride away so i cant give any advice on places to go.

But i do think that getting away is a good idea, shit like that hurts, and sometimes it takes getting the fuck out for a while before you can move on.

Take the trip, have a good time, stay safe and dont do anything stupid just because of your current state of mind. No girl is worth it. And like psycho said, keep your head up, stay strong, and keep in touch with your family and friends.

If/when you get back, consider taking up a new hobby.

Good luck man, be safe.

Exeter is the best city iv been to the atmosphere is incredible, so relaxed and friendly. No chavs! Went to a D&B club Friday night (The cavern) I hate D&B but it was amazing we danced all night. Last night I we went to the same club and had an amazing time again me and my friend went insane although the other three were a bit tired and went home at 1am.. One of them had actually rode his bike 80miles to be with me!

My weekend was amazing great to get away but now Im home I feel more depressed than ever, I said some things I really regretted to her over msn and now she’s blocked me all together.

It hurts so much that she just doesn’t seem to care anymore I love her more than anything else in the world, she is my world. She was the one that kept me sane and as soon as Im alone Im balancing on the edge of insanity. It sounds stupid getting worked up over a girl but when you devote yourself to somebody and they just throw it back at you its devastating. Im never going to get over this I really considered her my soul mate and she said that too.

It really makes me think if everything she had ever said was all just a lie to her. She never meant anything that she said it was all just a joke or a bit of fun.

I just want to hate her but I never can I love her too much and she’s never going to understand how I feel about her. I think she has already moved on and any unhappiness she is experiencing is just pure selfish guilt.

Im getting seriously paranoid now I haven’t slept for 150+ Hours. I keep seeing things and hearing things, Things keep popping into my head and Im actually terrified of closing my eyes because all the memories flood back.

This doesn’t feel like the way a break up should feel its like I have no soul anymore. When Im with people Im ok, I put on a brave face and I can blank it out for a while but as soon as Im alone.. It all comes back.

My self confidence is completely shattered Im scared of everything yet at the same time I just don’t give a shit anymore. I cant focus my eyes and Im just completely fucked up I don’t know what is going on Im so tired Im not tired if that makes sense. I barely know what Im typing but I need to get this out of my system.

I wish I could tell her all this but threes no point she wont listen, she’s not interested and she doesn’t care. I want more than anything just to blank it all out get rid of the memories and just forget about her all together.

The fact that she is moving on and Im not is killing me. Within a few weeks she will be happy in one of her "fairytale" relationships and ill be all alone.

I may have the best friends in the world but that doesn’t seem to be enough. Everything is only temporary and Im complete mental and physical wreck. My emotions are fucked I cant stay in the same mood for more than a few minutes and I think Im going totally insane



I feel like I just want to die but I know that is never going to solve anything and I have no reason to. Yes I still have friends and family who care but they cant do anything to get these thoughts and memories out of my head. nobody can do that, I cant do it and she cant do that. This will haunt me for the rest of my life just like every other bad memories I have of my past life.

I don’t know what to do with myself Im fucked up. I spent all weekend away and had a great time I hardly thought of her and actually thought I was over her. I got with some random girl in a club just because I wanted to tell myself I was over her and to make her jealous. All it achieved was to make me feel like the biggest dick in the world and I left that bar 5minuites later.

Im going totally insane I don’t think this is normal even in this kind of situation. Iv lost loads of weight my eyes are bloodshot and baggy and my face is like a skeleton.

Getting her back is not going to fix this, Talking to her wont do anything. friends, drugs and alcohol are only temporary solutions I just don’t know what to do. Im just a fucking mess Im scared of life, scared of sleep I feel constantly drained and sick. And iv got to work tomorrow.

Im going totally insane This cant be normal even in this situation

Edit: Sorry for treating totse like a blog, I just need it off my chest. Anyway this may be useful to somebody in the future.

[This message has been edited by whiteymoza (edited 11-19-2006).]

Exeter? Exeter? fuck exeter. what's in exeter? sweet F A

quote:Originally posted by stormshadowftb:

Exeter? Exeter? fuck exeter. what's in exeter? sweet F A

Because everybody there is friendly, the atmosphere is good and drinks are almost half the price of where I live!

£1.50 maximum price of pint of fosters exeter

£1.50 minimum price of pint of fosters here!

I was paying half the price for a double whiskey that I would pay for a single at home!

Student citys FTW!

Shit mate, get some sleep that should be your priority atm...

Good you got there and it's somewhat enjoyable, I live in the south of England, and it's not bad.

Bristol might be a good bet if you're looking for cheap accomodation, remember to ask housing agencies if they'd help you out...

Is this a temporary move, or are you looking to stay put in somewhere like Exeter?

Try and move on from the girlfriend, sounds like a pretty aweful brakeup, but stay strong.

Thinking of a job any time soon? How's the money going?

Come up to Edinburgh sometime after the 23rd of November. Edinburgh rocks at christmas.

quote:Originally posted by Mellow_Fellow:

Shit mate, get some sleep that should be your priority atm...

Good you got there and it's somewhat enjoyable, I live in the south of England, and it's not bad.

Bristol might be a good bet if you're looking for cheap accomodation, remember to ask housing agencies if they'd help you out...

Is this a temporary move, or are you looking to stay put in somewhere like Exeter?

Try and move on from the girlfriend, sounds like a pretty aweful brakeup, but stay strong.

Thinking of a job any time soon? How's the money going?

Oh Im home now, I ran out of money and theres no point in being there during the week. I stayed at a mates flat (Hes at the uni) And im going to stay at another mates at bristol uni very soon. It was really nice to spend quality time with friends and chill out. The taster of student life makes me very excited about going to uni next year.. I wish I had ditched the girl and gone this september, but then I would have had no money

I had to come home, I need to go to work iv already had a week off I cant afford more.

I have no idea how much money I managed to piss away this weekend but it was a lot! Its not often I spend much money out.

As you can see im very up and down, I feel fine now but earlier I actually blacked out and started halucinating. everything went white and I could see her everywhere and for about 45 minuites I could hear her shouting in my head. I was uncontrolable shivveing the whole time it was a really scary experience. Has anybody else experienced anything like this over a split up? Or similar? Or should I blame it on the lack of sleep?

Im seriously starting to think this is a mental disorder, Iv never heard of this before. Heartbreak yes but halucinations and fits?!

Iv began to delete her from my life, iv come to the conclusion that the girl I love is dead and that she isnt somebody I know anymore. If I bear this in mind I should be able to get through this.

Oh yeah I also started apoligising to all my ex's who in my younger more immature ways I treated in a similar way.

I recommend not just getting out of town, but going to a different country all together. New language, new culture, new start. Having an EU passport means you can legally live and work anywhere in Europe, no questions asked. Just google for hostals where you can stay for cheap until you get a job, anywhere: Holland, Spain, France, Italy, Czech Republic. You seem to want to burn all your bridges and, trust me, traveling is a great way to do this.

[This message has been edited by Superunknown (edited 11-19-2006).]

No, you do not wish you had ditched her and gone to uni in the first place. You felt something most people probably never do in their whole lives, and if she didn't but you did, that only goes to show the massive depth of feeling that you can possess for a person, an awesome thing if you ask me. As somebody once said "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".

When/if you do talk to her again do remember to tell her about the situation where you got that girl in the club to try to convince yourself that you were over her and to make her feel jealous, and relay really how guilty and assholeish you felt after leaving after just those five minutes.

It may not be the best of ideas to simply leave everything behind and start over somewhere else, but it's your call. Yes a vacation will help immensely but don't dive into a dream world forever because she will continue to exist and so will your memories of her; don't trash the good ones. No one said this would be easy, or blow over quickly. Just stick around friends and family and keep your distance from too much drugs and alcohol (you do not want more problems than you have already).

It's normal to hallucinate with such lack of sleep, so get some pronto if you haven't already. Very moving story, thanks for sharing.

quote:Originally posted by blip:

No, you do not wish you had ditched her and gone to uni in the first place. You felt something most people probably never do in their whole lives, and if she didn't but you did, that only goes to show the massive depth of feeling that you can possess for a person, an awesome thing if you ask me. As somebody once said "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".

When/if you do talk to her again do remember to tell her about the situation where you got that girl in the club to try to convince yourself that you were over her and to make her feel jealous, and relay really how guilty and assholeish you felt after leaving after just those five minutes.

It may not be the best of ideas to simply leave everything behind and start over somewhere else, but it's your call. Yes a vacation will help immensely but don't dive into a dream world forever because she will continue to exist and so will your memories of her; don't trash the good ones. No one said this would be easy, or blow over quickly. Just stick around friends and family and keep your distance from too much drugs and alcohol (you do not want more problems than you have already).

It's normal to hallucinate with such lack of sleep, so get some pronto if you haven't already. Very moving story, thanks for sharing.

Well I’m back home and although its shit to be home im trying to get my life in order. Iv decided that as long as I give myself things to look forward to I should be ok. I’m just about to go to work although I still haven’t slept and I have doubts as to whether working in my state is safe.. I need the money + I got a week of chilling with my dad to look forward to.

Iv decided although I loved her with all my heart there is no point in dwelling on the girl she is now because she is not the girl I loved.

The only problem is, although I have many memories of the amazing things we did together that completely feel my mind the bad memories have taken over and corrupted those that were good. If there was any way I could erase every memories of her it would be so much easier.

Even the good memories have turned bad

Thank you totse, some of the advice and opinions here are invaluable.

This past week has taught me more about life than my whole lifetime.

Edit: Oh yeah I emailed her last night asking for all the stuff I lent her back and the money she owes me for irresponsibly fucking up my bike. Probably not a good idea but Im not letting her keep all my stuff.

[This message has been edited by whiteymoza (edited 11-20-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by whiteymoza:

Not happy, bored I guess. She seems to want one of those new fairytale relationships for the rest of her life. She said we were like an old married couple. Thing is iv been trying so hard these past 4 months to hold it together. Trying to do new different things and do stuff she wanted but its not enough.

Shes gona hurt a lot of guys out there if thats what she wants.

I know exactly where your coming from - I pushed and pulled like a bastard to make my last relationship work in the last 3/4 months. She still left me, even with me constantly proving myself that I was indeed making ammends. 2 weeks later she found someone else...comforting huh -.-

Well, if you're coming down Devon way, your wellcome to stop by Taunton and have a pint with yours truly...maybe a talk with someone completely out of the loop might help get things in perspective for you?

How old are you exactly? I mean theres self-supporting, and then there's runing away from home to gain sympathy - no offence but you can never tell on TOTSE, I'm sure you'll agree.

quote:Originally posted by neville122333:

I know exactly where your coming from - I pushed and pulled like a bastard to make my last relationship work in the last 3/4 months. She still left me, even with me constantly proving myself that I was indeed making ammends. 2 weeks later she found someone else...comforting huh -.-

Well, if you're coming down Devon way, your wellcome to stop by Taunton and have a pint with yours truly...maybe a talk with someone completely out of the loop might help get things in perspective for you?

How old are you exactly? I mean theres self-supporting, and then there's runing away from home to gain sympathy - no offence but you can never tell on TOTSE, I'm sure you'll agree.



Nope I wasnt running away from home, I just wanted to get away from memories for a while and be with friends. I chose exeter due to the fact that iv never been there before and I have a good friend at university there.

Im home now, Just got back from work and I had a good day.

Things are starting to look up, im going out for a meal on friday with close friends. As long as I have things to look forward to Im ok.

I hope this will be useful to anybody who experiences the same thing either at present, in the past or for future times.

Im better off without her and to be honest, Whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger.