How do you tell your partner that they are gaining weight without hurting their feelings.

And don't take it from me as if I'm a shallow bastard. I'm very physicaly fit. So when I see this happening I can tell if it's a few pounds or if it's just plain unhealthy... And this time its just plain unhealthy...

And nobody likes to hear that they are getting fat, but how can you say it without sounding rude? Because I find it extremely hard, especially in this modern day society where weight is such a giant factor on looks.

She WILL notice that she is gaining weight, don't think it will slip by unnoticed. If she knows she is getting fat and doesen't care enough to do anything about it...then deseves to be fat.

I don't think you can put it politely, and I'm don't even think you should mention it directly. I'm pretty sure she's finding herself just as revolting as you're finding her right now.

Also, if it's seriously not healthy, then it's probably not even about the food or laziness. Alot of the time disordered eating (and yes, over-eating is a disorder) is a result of some other stress or problem in her life. See if you can get her to talk about those things, maybe ask if she needs to see a therapist.

Just tell her she hasn't seemed healthy lately and that you're worried about her. Please don't call the girl fat.

this is such a huge issue. i hear it so often. i think you've just got to be frank with her right away, the moment you notice something. NOT because it's a justified complaint, but because you've got to alert the other person to what's going on so you're on the same page. that way she won't gain 50 pounds and then you're like, "i stopped being attracted to yo 35 pounds ago." just tell her now.

here's what i'd want to hear. "lauren, you're a beautiful girl and i love being with you, but i've noticed lately that your weight has gone up. i wasn't sure if you were aware of this or not, so i just wanted to see if you'd noticed."

"oh, does it bother you?" she asks.

"yes," you say.

"why?" she asks.

"because it is detracting from your good looks."

ideally, she says "oh, well then i'll just go to the gym and stop eating sundaes, problem solved." in reality she might have problems and you might be shit out of luck.

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

this is such a huge issue. i hear it so often. i think you've just got to be frank with her right away, the moment you notice something. NOT because it's a justified complaint, but because you've got to alert the other person to what's going on so you're on the same page. that way she won't gain 50 pounds and then you're like, "i stopped being attracted to yo 35 pounds ago." just tell her now.

here's what i'd want to hear. "lauren, you're a beautiful girl and i love being with you, but i've noticed lately that your weight has gone up. i wasn't sure if you were aware of this or not, so i just wanted to see if you'd noticed."

"oh, does it bother you?" she asks.

"yes," you say.

"why?" she asks.

"because it is detracting from your good looks."

ideally, she says "oh, well then i'll just go to the gym and stop eating sundaes, problem solved." in reality she might have problems and you might be shit out of luck.



... If this was all about looks, then I'd be a shallow asshole and I'd have no trouble telling her so.

Thing is she isn't noticing by her self. And she's gaining a lot fast. SHe's still not FAT, barely chubby, but she went from Perfect body to this... And it's really unhealthy. She's having troubles breathing, sleeping. her blood pressure went up, and I told "I think your daily routine, might be unhealthy. You might have go to see a doctor, or change around your routine. Possibly throw in a bit healthier eating habbits". She gave me a dirty look, said "whatever" and went on with her life.

Now if I say "You're getting fat, it's unhealthy, stop eating as much" It's gonna still hurt her.

quote:Originally posted by DirtyBlanket:



... If this was all about looks, then I'd be a shallow asshole and I'd have no trouble telling her so.

Thing is she isn't noticing by her self. And she's gaining a lot fast. SHe's still not FAT, barely chubby, but she went from Perfect body to this... And it's really unhealthy. She's having troubles breathing, sleeping. her blood pressure went up, and I told "I think your daily routine, might be unhealthy. You might have go to see a doctor, or change around your routine. Possibly throw in a bit healthier eating habbits". She gave me a dirty look, said "whatever" and went on with her life.

Now if I say "You're getting fat, it's unhealthy, stop eating as much" It's gonna still hurt her.



i'd be pissed too. you sound like you think you're a doctor or something. it's her body and you claim to know more about it than she does. that would piss anyone off.

you have it frame it in terms of how it's making YOU feel. "i feel less attracted to you because..."

edit. if she's gaining it really fast, it's the result of an eating disorder or medical problem. but you still shouldn't tell her to see a doctor. JUST express your feelings, whatever they may be, using "i feel" statements, not "you" statements.

[This message has been edited by lauren7249 (edited 11-02-2006).]

There's something wrong if she can't control herself, and telling her she's fat probably won't cure it.

Shit, Lauren and I are giving you completely different advice.

I don't know.

Edit: Her last post made alot of sense though.

[This message has been edited by captain_kirk (edited 11-02-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:



i'd be pissed too. you sound like you think you're a doctor or something. it's her body and you claim to know more about it than she does. that would piss anyone off.

you have it frame it in terms of how it's making YOU feel. "i feel less attracted to you because..."



I'm not a doctor, but I'm healthier than the next. I'm into spirituality, and I am very careful with what I eat, and how I use my energy. I never eat Dinner, or eat anything before I go to bed. I eat LARGE breakfasts and large lunches. If you actually looked into the science of what I just said, you'd understand.

And don't judge me as shallow asshole once again. Do you realize what I just explained? I explained she is getting really hurt by this. I don't control what she eats. I don't force my spiritual ways down her throat, but when I see that she went from a muscle build 130 - no muscle 160. It's saying that something is really wrong.

So how about you stop confusing me, yourself and everyone else reading this and pay closer attention next time. Because you just made me look like the bad guy here, when I'm really looking how to make my girlfriend realize that it's fine to eat, but not if it's gonna shorten your life, conflict with your sex life, family life, WORK and your relationship. Ever since she started eating this much, she stopped sleeping she's started to be more moody, then that lead to really large mood swings, and now she's allways pissed, and it's not even because she's getting 'fat'. She was eating and was happy about it (and I didn't mind) until she started having troubles sleeping because of it.

EDIT:

Yes, thank you. The person ABOVE ME understood. How can I tell her that this isn't normal. That she should control it? I told her already that she might have to see a doctor because it's JUST UNHEALTHY, and she got mad. So now I'm asking another way to go about it.

[This message has been edited by DirtyBlanket (edited 11-02-2006).]

i read what you said VERY CAREFULLY. i was advising you from HER perspective, and in the context of what would be PRACTICAL. why don't YOU go back and read what i said more carefully, because you seem more upset by the affront on your expertise that you perceived than the actual advice i was giving.

what you tried before didn't work. i explained why. it didn't work because people don't like being told what to do. however, people have no choice but to respond to others' feelings. so the "i feel" statement doesn't have to be "i don't feel attracted." it can be "i feel worried and anxious."

and i WAS NOT trying to make you look like a bad guy AT ALL! you have a guilty conscience!



[This message has been edited by lauren7249 (edited 11-02-2006).]

- I think I might have had a slight case of TOURETTES in this post...

[This message has been edited by DirtyBlanket (edited 11-02-2006).]

i'm tring to HELP you. the advice is a lot more likely to get her to take action than the approach you favor, which you already found out didn't work. i wasn't telling you what to say to spare her feelings. in fact, telling her how you feel is a lot more likely to hurt her feelings and MAKE HER TAKE ACTION.

dude, i have no investment in this at all. i am trying to help you out of the goodness of my heart. do you know how fucking annoying it is to explain this shit to people over and over again? especially people stop reading the second they see the word "feel." i'm not telling you soften the message, ok? i'm telling you how to frame it so that she LISTENS to you.

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:



"oh, does it bother you?" she asks.

"yes," you say.

"why?" she asks.

"because it is detracting from your good looks."



That's why I got mad. In the second paragraph of my post I stated that I am very physicaly fit, and I am no where near shallow. I care about health, not physical appearance. So explain how the hell I'm supposed to expect you understood my post if you right away assumed it was because "it was detracting her from her good looks" CAUSE OBVIOUSLY, I don't care what happens to her, and I only care that she stays 'good-looking'. That's where I knew you did not understand/read my post (properly).



[This message has been edited by DirtyBlanket (edited 11-02-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by DirtyBlanket:

That's why I got mad. In the second paragraph of my post I stated that I am very physicaly fit, and I am no where near shallow. I care about health, not physical appearance. So explain how the hell I'm supposed to expect you understood my post if you right away assumed it was because "it was detracting her from her good looks" CAUSE OBVIOUSLY, I don't care what happens to her, and I don't care that she stays 'good-looking'. That's where I knew you did not understand/read my post (properly).



it only became clear you were truly talking about a health problem after your second post or so. so you can disregard that section of post, though i did edit it after your second post to show that the advice changes slightly since she appears to have a medical problem. note that i said, "or whatever you feel."

and do note how ineffective i am with you in this thread. why? because i am arrogantly instructing you what to do. OBVIOUSLY you don't want to listen to me. see? the approach doesn't work at all.

[This message has been edited by lauren7249 (edited 11-02-2006).]

-

[This message has been edited by DirtyBlanket (edited 11-02-2006).]

You know what Lauren. This is completely immature of me. I have to calm down. I just took a little bit of "valerianka" (russian meds, don't know english name) to calm me down. I'm just freaking out, but I don't know what to do.

I'll type this slowly... I'm scared for her. It's been so little time so much weight has been put on. She could die because of this. And this is stressing me out too. I'm sorry I got Cross with you, you were right you were just trying to help.

[This message has been edited by DirtyBlanket (edited 11-02-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by DirtyBlanket:



I read the whole post, but it just makes me more mad the second I get to the end of it.

Cause you still don't get it. You SAID that it was about her LOOKS, I never said it was about looks... I have proof right above with me qouting you.

There is no feelings envovled, I don't feel anything but Worried and Scared for her Life.

And she would see that, but she ignored this time. So let me just re-ask you this:

HOW CAN I TELL HER THAT SHE NEEDS TO SEE A FUCKING DOCTOR?

Clear enough now?



i told you, but i will repeat myself. you frame it in terms of your feelings, whatever they may be. (like i said in the edit of my first post.)

"i am scared and worried about you. i am also frustrated because i feel like you aren't listening to me.

i want you to see a doctor. i think there is something going on with your body, and this is causing me a lot of stress and worry. i even asked friends for advice on what to do about it."

if she has an eating disorder she still may be indignant and defensive. in which case you should continue framing things in terms of how you feel, because if your tone becomes accusatory she will stop listening.

edit - it's totally ok. i understand. and your last post happens to be a great example of effective communication.

[This message has been edited by lauren7249 (edited 11-02-2006).]

And I understand what you mean by trying the "I feel" approach, but you see it's not like I want to lose it because I want her to look slimmer, it's more of a fact that this could be the end of her life. I'm not sure how I can put I feel and doctor into the same sentence and keep it Gentle.

quote:Originally posted by DirtyBlanket:

And I understand what you mean by trying the "I feel" approach, but you see it's not like I want to lose it because I want her to look slimmer, it's more of a fact that this could be the end of her life. I'm not sure how I can put I feel and doctor into the same sentence and keep it Gentle.



how is this so difficult to understand? "i feel" and "you look" aren't even marginally related! only you know what you feel, so figure it the fuck out and tell it to her! then accept the fact that you are not in control of her actions. and i am NOT telling you to be gentle! are you trying to piss me off??? it's working!

[This message has been edited by lauren7249 (edited 11-02-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:



how is this so difficult to understand? "i feel" and "you look" aren't even marginally related! only you know what you feel, so figure it the fuck out and tell it to her! then accept the fact that you are not in control of her actions. and i am NOT telling you to be gentle! are you trying to piss me off??? it's working!





If it were that simple... then I wouldn't be here.

[This message has been edited by DirtyBlanket (edited 11-02-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by DirtyBlanket:



If it were that simple... then I wouldn't be here.





i told you what to do. if you don't recognize the distinction between what you did and what i told you to do, i can't help you.

by the way, if you're wondering why i feel so uniquely qualified to advise you on this, it's because i've suffered from an eating disorder.

I looked at this, but I won't post anything besides a critique at editing out posts that make you look bad.

If you posted it, leave it.

Edit: Yes, I won't jump into irrationality.

[This message has been edited by Euda (edited 11-02-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by DirtyBlanket:

That's why I got mad. In the second paragraph of my post I stated that I am very physicaly fit, and I am no where near shallow. I care about health, not physical appearance. So explain how the hell I'm supposed to expect you understood my post if you right away assumed it was because "it was detracting her from her good looks" CAUSE OBVIOUSLY, I don't care what happens to her, and I only care that she stays 'good-looking'. That's where I knew you did not understand/read my post (properly).



That's bullshit. If you were concerned for her 'health' and not her giant massive ass, you'd shut up. Scarily, fat people can be healthy too! And if you're ignorant to that fact you're probalbly not as fit and 'health concious' as you claim.

I've been outrun and beaten by fat people before, and when I used to go to a gym and kind of got into that competitive crap of 'spotting' I found that I wasnt half as fit as some of the fat people there.

I'd take a slightly different route than the comments which I scanned above.

I'd just ask her something like,

(I'm very honest, at times brutally.)

"You seem to be gaining a bit of weight. Is something bothering you which you're holding inside? And if so, I'm always there to talk if you need someone.

Fact: People use food (as one of many things) to detach from their issues and troubling emotions.

Hence, I'd use the offer to discuss anything she was having trouble with.

Of course, that would require actually caring, which I'm not sure if very much of totse can boast that.

I'd be pissed if somebody said "i'm less attracted to you because you're getting fat."

I'd rather it be "You're gaining weight." Simple and blunt.

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:

I'd be pissed if somebody said "i'm less attracted to you because you're getting fat."

I'd rather it be "You're gaining weight." Simple and blunt.

Exactly. " I don't love you AS MUCH because you're "fat".

Looks get you in the door, but without more to offer in terms of being smart, common interests and depth.

I don't give a flying fuck if someone likes the same music I do! Granted, music is everything to me, but in the end, it'll always be the same as any tanigble matter.

Someone who can talk about current events, philosophy, dreams, issues and so forth while taking pride in it.

Being able to understand each other on a deeper level through interacting...

As you assume, I'm a single 18 year old male. Seeking more and OMG TEH SMARTZ is apparently a bad thing these days!

To go deeper: What about shaved legs? Guys freak out at the thought of a chick with hairy legs! Look at it from the reverse though! So, apparently women are only desired upon visual conditions? Well, why else would men freak at such a thought?

Think about it! Could you rather look at the image of perfection or have a meaningful conversation with someone you couldn't even see?

that's my fear. getting fat and not noticing. but i don't really know how i would handle actually being told i WAS getting fat. it's kind of hugely hypocritical.

and...i have nothing useful to contribute since i don't actually know what i would want to be said to me.

I think the most important thing is how the message is delivered.

If it's in a caring and considerate manner, then it'll be taken far better.

If you're a jackass or hurtful about it, yeah, then it won't go over all that well. Duh!