Post here your funny/funniest sexual experience.



I got caught when I lost my virginity

when I was going down on the girl I would lose my virginity in a couple minutes too, I noticed a grey Honda pilot still in the parking lot from the soccer game that was earlier.

I had just penetrated the girl when I saw a guy walking up to my Blazer.

Because her friend was in the front seat, he assumed that it was her car and asked her for a jump. She said yes and asked her to drive up to his car (That his wife and two kids were in)

Thats when I opened the back door buttoned my pants (the girl whose name I'm not mentioning if you hadnt already caught on) was pantless.

The guy, moderately amused, apollogized for "disturbing our nap"

In the end I gave him a jump and lost my Virginity.

Three weeks ago when we both fell asleep fucking.

Sounds pathetic but it's funny because we both fell asleep.

[This message has been edited by Chronos139 (edited 11-02-2006).]

When my asian homestay student walked in on me while she was cowgirl.

Funny as hell.

And fuck no I didn't stop!

quote:Originally posted by stab:

When my asian homestay student walked in on me while she was cowgirl.

Funny as hell.

And fuck no I didn't stop!



Nice.

quote:Originally posted by stab:

When my asian homestay student walked in on me while she was cowgirl.

Funny as hell.

And fuck no I didn't stop!

I'd love to see the look on their face.

on a trip, staying at a friends house. we thought everyone was asleep, as did another couple, as they had been fucking a few minutes before i was. nobody seemed to notice, so we decided to go for it. one of my friends, sleeping also on the floor got kicked druuing the sexual shenanigans, but didnt say anything. when we were finished she turned around, then turned back to me and whispered to me "i think josh is awake..." nobody said anything untill the next day, on a bus to go back home. josh says to me.... "you guys were going for like two hours" nothing has been said of it since....im also not sure how much of the convo durring sex he heard (mostly about amputation and disfigurment)

quote:Originally posted by The American Infidel:

(mostly about amputation and disfigurment)

Man, what kind of sex do you have?

1) getting walked in on while losing my virginity

2) getting cummed on. there just arent really words to describe that...

quote:Originally posted by Chronos139:

Three weeks ago when we both fell asleep fucking.

Sounds pathetic but it's funny because we both fell asleep.





How do you do that?

losing my virginity i was NEARLY caught by one of my counties sherrifs.

then the first time i went to have sex with my current girlfriend i did INFACT get caught by a county sherrif.

-fingering a girl, in the day time, in park near the road and hearing a police siren

-having my nipple sucked, and I got excited and pressed her head into it. too hard. she got really hurt and I think may have started crying.

hooking up with a girl in her room with the lights off, felt something kind of sticky and weird smelling on her face, turned the light on to see her face and body covered in blood from the blood nose i had gotten without realising.

when i lost my virgintiy i was so drunk i realised i wasnt going to cum so i just stopped stood up threw her clothes at her and told her to get the fuck out of my house, when she pleaded that she had no where to stay i staged a fake phone call on my mobile to her friend who lived nearby organising for her to stay the night. which she fell for.

fucked this other chick on a shitty little single bed with about 7 of our friends in the room while a few where awake, unlike The American Infidel i lasted no where near 2 hours.

HiImNew you sort of suck.

Perhaps it was saying goodbye to a friend when he was leaving for college. We stopped to say bye, but it was awkward... then another kid came in looking for the bong. Next time we hung out with the same kid, we were also naked.

Or maybe it was the other day, this guy and I didn't bother to close the door, and it was... intense. There was a lot of rearranging of positions and whatnot, and it wasn't exactly quiet. I don't think anybody walked by, when when we were done we noticed some random kid passed out on the floor. I dunno if he was there before.

I dunno. I can't think of any really funny sex stories.

I was visiting my then gf/really more of a fuck buddy who was at college, and i brought along my best friend and his girlfriend.

We all ended up having sex that night with my friend and his gf in one bed across a small dorm room from my partner and myself.

We gave each other the thumbs up and made funny faces at each other the whole time.

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:

HiImNew you sort of suck.



Sort of?

Going at it with a candle on the night stand. Suddenly the girl starts laughing her ass off. She was looking at the shadow on the wall and it looked odd to her.

[this happened to a buddy, I can't really think of any funny stuff right now]

http://img247.imageshack.us/img247/3559/lulzturtlepowerxn1.png

I was having sex with my girlfriend and I was about to cum. Her parents walked in, I pulled out. Couple seconds after I pulled out, I started cumming.

Although, her parents knew we were sexually active, it was still extremely akward.

My girlfriend and I were doing a bit of arguing about my new hat. I paid $5 for it at the gas station. I thought it was awesome, but I was fifteen. Well we got into it, and I pulled the covers all the way over us and our heads. In the middle of it all she decided to steal my hat, and in the middle of the struggle we rolled off the matress. After I pulled out, we got untangled from the covers.

She had this huge smile. Being one of my first times to get laid, I thought I must be a sex-god. After I smiled back, she showed me my crumpled up and newly cummed on hat. She carefully uncrumpled it, and assured me I could still wear it.

quote:Originally posted by Garrett:

ht tp://img24 7.imageshack.us/img247/3559/lulzturtlepowerxn1.png (http: //img247.i mageshack. us/img247/ 3559/lulzt urtlepower xn1.png)



...lol?

haha, i dont really have one, but if anyone remembers my 'sister' thread, i plan on calling my gf sister the first time we do it.. (if you didnt read the thread, it sounds a lot worse than it is)

one time my EX-girlfriend and I ate some korean food. She has some fucking spicy ass soup and later she gave me bj and I started to notice that It felt really hot and umcomfurtable then I realized that she fucking ate that god damn soup. My dick was on FIRE....



[This message has been edited by crapper (edited 11-02-2006).]

this wasn't actually during sex, but it's funny as hell.

so on grad, my boyfriend and i go buy condoms. we're using his dad's car so we're really careful not to leave the box or the bag in there.

so a few weeks later, my boyfriend finds this on the kitchen counter. with his dad's writing on it. http://i12.tinypic.com/2e4g0fl.jpg

he never actually said anything to either of us, but regardless we will never live it down. i almost peed myself laughing when i saw it.

quote:Originally posted by DirtyBlanket:



How do you do that?



-Doing coke all night and having a terrible fucking comedown, and taking some Valium to suppress it (for me)

And she had been drinking all night.

We both knew we were tired, and I literally was too wasted to fuck her, so she just started to ride me. It was going not bad.

Then she kind of lied on top of me. We just fucked real slow and I dozed off; this was after like 10 minutes of sloooooooow sex. I woke up and she wasnt riding me anymore..and since her face was right on my shoulder I heard her breathing..and I knew she was asleep.

quote:Originally posted by YouLookFourteen:

this wasn't actually during sex, but it's funny as hell.

so on grad, my boyfriend and i go buy condoms. we're using his dad's car so we're really careful not to leave the box or the bag in there.

so a few weeks later, my boyfriend finds this on the kitchen counter. with his dad's writing on it. http://i12.tinypic.com/2e4g0fl.jpg

he never actually said anything to either of us, but regardless we will never live it down. i almost peed myself laughing when i saw it.



That happened to a buddy of mine. His girlfriend's father put it under one of my friend's windshield wipers while he was at work. It was great.

I once was being tossed off by my gf and as I came it went higher than I have ever seen it go, was quite impressed... til a large majority of it landed in my mouth.

Was odd.

Warm.

Me and this girl had just finished and I was taking off the condom and for some reason it had like really worked ittself on to me. It snapped off like a rubber glove and whipped cum and lube mix all over us both. She almost threw up for some reason, she cant stand the sight of cum, didnt mind swallowing it, just seeing it...

Either that or we were going doggy and a misstroke wound up with me right-angling my manhood on her ass. She just looked back and was like "I know that hurt"

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:

Or maybe it was the other day, this guy and I didn't bother to close the door, and it was... intense. There was a lot of rearranging of positions and whatnot, and it wasn't exactly quiet. I don't think anybody walked by, when when we were done we noticed some random kid passed out on the floor. I dunno if he was there before.

hahahaha, i LOL'ed pretty hard at this

One time I got drunk in the middle of the fucking woods with my buddy and these two girls we just met.

Long story short before we knew it we were both getting BJ's right next to eachother.

We played rock paper scissors.

EDIT: spelling

[This message has been edited by Glintor321 (edited 11-03-2006).]

I was with my g/f and we were suppose to watch over her sister and her mom went to take a shower so we had a quickie and while we were in the middle of it her sister walked in. It was quite odd but she was like 2 so she didn't know what it was, but it was still really awkward... Talk about turn offs

I have this hammick on my deck and in the summer me and my gf at the time were lieing down looking at the stars we had some blankets so we ended up fucking. We were to lazy to get dressed, and I woke up ass naked in the morning infront of my neighbors and there kids... I must say that was imbarassing as hell luckly my parents didn't notice. it was a damn cold night too and we had 3 blankets.

quote:Originally posted by YouLookFourteen:

this wasn't actually during sex, but it's funny as hell.

so on grad, my boyfriend and i go buy condoms. we're using his dad's car so we're really careful not to leave the box or the bag in there.

so a few weeks later, my boyfriend finds this on the kitchen counter. with his dad's writing on it. http://i12.tinypic.com/2e4g0fl.jpg

he never actually said anything to either of us, but regardless we will never live it down. i almost peed myself laughing when i saw it.

I laughed very hard, to say the least.

quote:Originally posted by senorfrog:

Either that or we were going doggy and a misstroke wound up with me right-angling my manhood on her ass. She just looked back and was like "I know that hurt"

I lol'd.

The night I lost my virginity, the girl came and sat down next to me. She told me to hug her. So I went to put my arm around her. In doing so, I elbowed her in the nose. Then when she started crying, I went "fuuuuuck, shut up" and ran away.

Wow, now that I read over that, it's less 'haha funny' and more 'haha arquin is ging to hell'

this thread is seriously cringe-worthy....

she woke up and started to cry, so i yelled, BITCH SHUT UP, YOUR NAP ISNT OVER YET.

well with me adn my old ex one day we kept pretending to beat eachother all day. dont meber why and then we had sex that night and jokingly i said smack me in the face and she full forse smacks me in the face.

it was pretty funny

quote:Originally posted by deadbeat:

this thread is seriously cringe-worthy....

Me and a couple of my friends were talking about our funniest sexual experiences. So I got the inspiration for this thread.

He was fucking his girlfriend in her Basement. Her mom yelled down for her just as she climaxed. He claims it went something like this.

Her mom: Miranda, Dinners ready.

Miranda: AAAH YESSS!!!!!!

I was making out with my girl at my mates house and I get hit in the balls with a World of Warcraft game manual.

I have something to add that happened yesterday at a party.



I hooked up with a good friend of mine (we used to date briefly 2 years ago)and after some time we went to a room. we were both very drunk and constantly got walked in on, so we would shout "LEAVE! LEAVE! get the fuck out!" and then go right back to it. some guy came in and was like "WHOA! look at that!", we just ignored him.

and in the middle of a bj, she asked "hey, we're still friends, right?" I grinned and was like, "oh, sure. more than ever "

[This message has been edited by Argus (edited 11-05-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by XHippie HunterX:

I was visiting my then gf/really more of a fuck buddy who was at college, and i brought along my best friend and his girlfriend.

We all ended up having sex that night with my friend and his gf in one bed across a small dorm room from my partner and myself.

We gave each other the thumbs up and made funny faces at each other the whole time.

Stuff like that end bit always cracks me up.

I've only had the one, asked an ex, that preferred to do it with lights off, if she could give me a blow job to finish me off after sex. I didn't feel right with my soldiers going nowhere and all. Anyway this is at night and the lights are off anyway so its close to pitch black, I pull out and lay down and wait... I ask whats wrong, she says she cant see me so i reach out to her.

I suddenly get an itch on my lower back, lift my hips to get it and hear a loud "OW my eye!"

I couldn't stop laughing.

quote:Originally posted by Potato juice:

Stuff like that end bit always cracks me up.

I've only had the one, asked an ex, that preferred to do it with lights off, if she could give me a blow job to finish me off after sex. I didn't feel right with my soldiers going nowhere and all. Anyway this is at night and the lights are off anyway so its close to pitch black, I pull out and lay down and wait... I ask whats wrong, she says she cant see me so i reach out to her.

I suddenly get an itch on my lower back, lift my hips to get it and hear a loud "OW my eye!"

I couldn't stop laughing.



This made me laugh too.

Um, when my ex and I were going at it in a single bed, and I was on top, I went to roll over to go on the bottom.. and well I forgot it was a single bed and landed with a crash on the floor while he just laughed and laughed.

I had a massive bruise on my hip for ages after that.

quote:Originally posted by kAtE-:

Um, when my ex and I were going at it in a single bed, and I was on top, I went to roll over to go on the bottom.. and well I forgot it was a single bed and landed with a crash on the floor while he just laughed and laughed.

I had a massive bruise on my hip for ages after that.

Ive done that, and had a girl do that... on seperate occasions.

quote:Originally posted by YouLookFourteen:

this wasn't actually during sex, but it's funny as hell.

so on grad, my boyfriend and i go buy condoms. we're using his dad's car so we're really careful not to leave the box or the bag in there.

so a few weeks later, my boyfriend finds this on the kitchen counter. with his dad's writing on it. http://i12.tinypic.com/2e4g0fl.jpg

he never actually said anything to either of us, but regardless we will never live it down. i almost peed myself laughing when i saw it.

OMG. I would die if that happened to me

about 3 years ago, I was at my church (on a Monday) with my (at that time) girlfriend, (Her grandfather was the pastor, and she had to be there, but the place was empty minus him and his wife) and were making out in a random room. We were getting serious and started to slow down, and right after she gotout from on top of me her grandmother walks in. She didn't see anyting but she was suspicious, yet she couldn't prove shit so we were off the hook. Which made me think "thank you Jesus I owe you one"

I have a few, i think the best one is when the cops caught me. So this girl and i pulled down this side road on the edge of the highway (not a huge highway..i live in VT) and so we started fucking and then after the 2nd or 3rd time we got finished we were getting ready to go again and i see a squad car coming down the road, so we both try our best to get dressed (it kinda worked...not really). The cop (female) knocks on the glass (there are like 2-3 condoms outside the door) and just says "you know we can see you from the road" and surely enough i look up and...yep the road is closer then i thought...the best part was the officer said "there are plenty of other roads about a mile down from here, a lot more secluded.." We just awkwardly said thanks and drove off...good times...

[This message has been edited by jonkk (edited 11-07-2006).]

^ You need to be more discreet, like a ninja.

sexual ninjas are never discreet. they just have sweet ninja sex skills.

I fear Naruto Hentai is coming.

quote:Originally posted by YouLookFourteen:

this wasn't actually during sex, but it's funny as hell.

so on grad, my boyfriend and i go buy condoms. we're using his dad's car so we're really careful not to leave the box or the bag in there.

so a few weeks later, my boyfriend finds this on the kitchen counter. with his dad's writing on it. http://i12.tinypic.com/2e4g0fl.jpg

he never actually said anything to either of us, but regardless we will never live it down. i almost peed myself laughing when i saw it.

Lmao

quote:Originally posted by YouLookFourteen:

sexual ninjas are never discreet. they just have sweet ninja sex skills.

QFT

getin that bitch prego n never talkin to her again

quote:Originally posted by YouLookFourteen:

sexual ninjas are never discreet. they just have sweet ninja sex skills.

That's a really cool quote.

You just became cool in my books.

me and my gf were having a fight over something really stupid (i forget our 8 month anniversary, theirs an 8 month anniversary?)

so during sex shes on top slapping the shit out of me, trying to get me to apologize, i grabbed both of her nips and gave them a little twist haha.

quote:Originally posted by arquin:

That's a really cool quote.

You just became cool in my books.

aw geez. e-respect.

i'm touched you guys.

while it isnt really my funniest sexual experiance,a few years ago my best friend,who is the biggest womanizer ive ever seen calls me at like 3 in the morning,i read the caller ID and see its his #,im thinking maybe he is in jail and needs someone to bail him out,when i answer it,instead of him on the other end its some chick moaning,i can hear my friend in the background yelling "tell him what im doing" and her screaming "HE"S FUCKING ME IN THE ASS!!!

then the phone hangs up...turns out he called like 4 other friends and had her tell them the various things he was doing to her

i snuck into my gf's house at night. The lights were off so I thought i would just jump in her bed and fuck her. We had this bondage type thing going on where i would hold her arms down and cover her mouth while i fucked her. Afterwards i let her up and i get punched several times in the face and she gets up and turns on the lights. Turned out i had sex with her hot as hell mom who was staying in my gf's room becuase hers was just painted, and she kicked my gf out on the couch. I am still not invited over for thanksgiving

quote:Originally posted by fray97:

i snuck into my gf's house at night. The lights were off so I thought i would just jump in her bed and fuck her. We had this bondage type thing going on where i would hold her arms down and cover her mouth while i fucked her. Afterwards i let her up and i get punched several times in the face and she gets up and turns on the lights. Turned out i had sex with her hot as hell mom who was staying in my gf's room becuase hers was just painted, and she kicked my gf out on the couch. I am still not invited over for thanksgiving

If that's true thats fucking brilliant.

Mine isn't really that bad... My very good friend/fuck buddy was staying for a week a couple weeks ago and my Mum was in her room upstairs so we couldn't use the double bed upstirs because it squeeks like hell so we decided to have a shag on the sofa and half way through one of my dogs started licking his ass lol.

I just posted this in another thread.



But yea, first date with my current girlfriend. I went to kiss her on the neck, and she shifted her shoulder really fast and gave me a black eye.

Turns out her neck is really ticklish and she forgot to tell me..

Once my boyfriend and I were having sex and sometimes we get a little rough (hitting, biting, etc...). He slapped me a little to hard so in turn I slapped him back really hard. Then he picks me up and slams me on the wall, from there it turned into a naked fist fight. It took weeks for the bruises to go away.

I lost my virginity quite some years ago in a tennis court in the middle of the night. I had a few friends over at my house at the time, and I said "hey guys I will be right back" and I took a walk with my girl over to said tennis court. Blah blah blah, she ended up on top of me going cowgirl.

Here is the funny part. She was a fucking MAJOR female ejaculator. I wouldn't hesitate to say I ended up with a gallon soaking my pants from crotch to below the knee. Did I say my pants? I didn't mean my pants, because I happened to be wearing the pants of a friend of mine (extra pair that he brought because I only had shorts and it was cold) After the deed, she left and I went back to my friends sitting in my basement.

I removed the soaked pants and threw them right at the owner of said pants. They collided with his face and made a very satisfying "thock" sound. mmmmm. Female ejaculant.

There was this guy at a Waterpark here in Ohio. He had a cheasy hair cut and a beautiful Wife (or girlfriend). As me and My girlfriend were tanning (She was tanning, I was blackening) This guy looks over at me and says someting about porno movies and $500. I'm like WTF? but I just kind of smile politely. He continues to stare. I'm like wtf? My gf tells me exactly what he says.

Her: Didnt you hear him ask us if we wanted to make porno movies for $500 dollars an hour?

Me: WTF?

Her: Yea, but it doesnt matter cuz your not doing it

Me: Yes I am

Her: No your not

Me: Why not?

Her: Lets have sex

So we had sex in a Crowded Water park Parking lot the day I got an offer to be a porn star.

I regret not taking his card.