I need and would appreciate some help here.

My girlfriend of 3 months has some very real issues with sexual activity that I am just starting to see surface as we are getting more involved. She was basically raped at a very young age (13 or so) and recently got out of a 3 year relationship that consisted of constant verbal abuse, and more important to the topic at hand, a very mediocre, to unsatisfying sex life. She has told me that she rarely enjoyed sex with her former partner, as it was "all about him" and she became used to him asking for things (blowjobs, sex, etc etc).

That said, I am not the kind of man to ask her outright for a blowjob or anything else. I will and have hinted that I desire these things, and even encourage her when she touches me and takes charge. She rarely, if ever, actually initiates anything sexual, however, and when she has it has on both occasions ended quite awkwardly with her kind of smiling shyly and even kind of laughing a little in a very timid, and nearly scared way. She has described the feeling of wanting badly to just do certain things, but says she encounters a wall of sorts and she just freezes up.

We've not has intercourse, as I both feel she is not ready mentally, even if she physically desires this (as she says she does), and also because I am planning to wait until marriage to have sex, although I am quite confident with her in bed, and could see myself making an exception for her if the circumstances were great.

I have gone down on her a handful of times, nearly always giving her an orgasm, once giving her two. She often cannot believe that I am genuine in my outlook on sex as she has never had a lover (the one man she dated for 3 yrs) who had any real concern for her satisfaction. And I am extremely sincere in my desire for her complete and utter sexual satisfaction. I've gone 21 years without sexual contact of any real kind (as a personal choice) and honestly have great willpower and take a good deal of enjoyment out of seeing my girl orgasm.

We care a great deal about each other and get more comfortable with each other every day, but I am a man and since things have been a bit physical, I do have my own needs (I have not orgasmed in her presence yet.) That is not even to say I need to get off. What I need is a receptive and open partner who WANTS to please me as much as I want to please her. I have no interest in an emotionless bj/hj and if she is not into it, I can simply go without. She is trying to get to that point and is very unhappy that she reaches the barrior she describes, but it seems that she is betting on time to get her there.

It sounds to me like sex had become mechanic to her in her previous relationship, which in time had made her apprehension give way to complacency. Having a terrible, selfish lover probably only helped make sex that much more of a deluded experience for her, as opposed to the beautiful, satisfying, emotionally fulfilling experience it has the potential to be. I am set on achieving that place with her and helping her finally find sex as it was meant to be in her and my own life, but I am no psychologist, and on top of that have very little knowledge of sexual abuse, as has occured in her youth.

I love this girl very much and need advice on how to help in whatever way I can in the healing process regarding her traumatizing first time and current position towards sex.

Please ask any questions you have, and thank you very much for reading this.

You sound like a very nice, smart guy.

Sadly, someone with her history will be craving drama. She's obviously detached from her emotions because of her being raped.

Apparently, all three billion women on the planet have been raped at least once.

quote:Originally posted by Twisted_Ferret:

Apparently, all three billion women on the planet have been raped at least once.

There arent 3 billion woman on the planet you douchebag...go back to playing with mecanno

quote:Originally posted by Twisted_Ferret:

Apparently, all three billion women on the planet have been raped at least once.

Well then find the man responsible and ask him to stop....3 billion is greedy...

He should leave some for the rest of us.

quote:Originally posted by MJR deus:

There arent 3 billion woman on the planet you douchebag...go back to playing with mecanno

6 billion people on earth and there is a 50% chance that a newborn will be female. You must have failed biology.

Actually the chance of being either male or female is not a clear-cut 50%, but depends on a variety of factors. Also, have you included the hermaphrodites, because they make up an, albeit small, percentage of the world population. But there are just over 3.2 billion women.

World Population by sex (thousands) 2005

Both sexes combined: 6 464 750

Male: 3 248 919

Female: 3 215 831

(http://esa.un.org/unpp)

... I myself are jealous of your situation. Why? She smells like a good target for manipulation.



Anyway. To tell you the truth. Make your own judgements. In most situations like the one you're in, it ends badly sooner or later. Personly I'd use her and dump her if there was nothing special about her. But then again maybe she has it.

W/e man.

my girlfriend and I are exactly the same way, but we have been together for ten months. If you are a good guy, it just takes time. Help her up.

quote:Originally posted by Eye_Of_The_Watcher:

... I myself are jealous of your situation. Why? She smells like a good target for manipulation.

Anyway. To tell you the truth. Make your own judgements. In most situations like the one you're in, it ends badly sooner or later. Personly I'd use her and dump her if there was nothing special about her. But then again maybe she has it.

W/e man.

You're terrible. At least tell me why you think it has a good chance of ending badly instead of suggesting I just fuck and chuck. JEEZ. JEEEEZ. lawl.

quote:Originally posted by killtehinternet:

my girlfriend and I are exactly the same way, but we have been together for ten months. If you are a good guy, it just takes time. Help her up.



What he said.

69 to start her off?

stick it in her pooper

quote: Girlfriend has serious sex "issues" plz advise

quote:I need and would appreciate some help here.

quote:Please ask any questions you have, and thank you very much for reading this.

No one cares about your shitty, emotionally strained girlfriend.

Be gently, be careful with her.

She was raped knowing she is very scared even if she does want it.

Try to make her feel much safer with her.

Make sure she trust you.

Just do the girl world a favor, dont pressure her. please.

i would just like to say that i think you're extremely cool for the way you seem to be handling this.

i think all you can do is just keep doing what you're doing. be especially sensitive to her. that's all you can really do. extra care. it might take awhile.

i'm gonna go against what everybody else seems to be posting and say to take charge more often ... if you're just gonna keep letting her do her own thing, she'll just go and do her own thing with some other guy because you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself.

Not trying to flame, it's just the way your post makes you seem. And by the way, i've felt like that before (regarding the whole sex before marriage issue) but go ahead and do it, you'll feel better after you do.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

Well then find the man responsible and ask him to stop....3 billion is greedy...

He should leave some for the rest of us.

lmao must be hard to walk after raping 3 billion

back to the original topic, I can't offer much help on the subject but you really do seem to care and there seems to be enough other advice, hopefully it helps.

I cant fucking stand girls that constantly use the 'I was raped' shit for sympathy.

Fucking seriously, if the bitch says 'I cant fuck you cause I was raped' wouldnt you be insulted that she put you in a group with a rapist?

sorry man, cant help you all i can say is give her time and love and see what she likes to do and work off of that.

quote:Originally posted by sandmander:

I've gone 21 years without sexual contact of any real kind (as a personal choice)

So you're a virgin.

If someone gets hit in the head and loses their memory, hitting them in the head again fixes it.

Your girlfriend got raped and is now crazy, so the obvious solution to your problem is to rape her again and she'll be fine.

My logic here is bulletproof.

[This message has been edited by Solid Squall (edited 10-28-2006).]

Be gentle with her. Protect her and make her feel safe with you and around you.



Take things a bit slower.



Thats all the advice i can give,hope it helps.

Sorry to resurrect an older thread, but I couldn't let this one go by without saying some things, as I have been in a similar situation in the past.

Firstly, about the idea of 'no-sex-before-marriage', I have to say... BAD IDEA. By that time you will be locked into a lifelong commitment, and it's quite possible (probable, in fact, given your notable lack of experience) that you may not please each other in the bedroom. I hate to bring up the 'test-driving-a-car-before-you-buy-it' analogy, but it really applies here. You don't want to show up on your wedding night, thinking you're going to have some sort of magical experience, only to find that your wife has no fucking clue what she's doing. Thankfully, this didn't happen to me, but the point remains a valid one.

Secondly, regarding the girlfriend with sexual hangups: You need to LEAVE HER, NOW. This will NOT get better, it DOESN'T matter how slow, tender, gentle, kind, loving etc. you are with her, she will NEVER "get better". This problem will NEVER GO AWAY, NO MATTER WHAT you do to try to help her. I know, that what I'm about to say next isn't what you want to hear, but it is the absolute truth: YOU NEED TO LEAVE HER.

Without sex, your relationship will NEVER come even close to being as good as it could be. Hell, without sex, there really isn't much point in even HAVING a relationship.

To sum up: She'll never 'grow out' of or 'move past' this, she WILL be like this for the rest of her life. Do you really want to be dragged down along with this dead weight? LEAVE HER, NOW. And don't look back.

quote:Originally posted by varactor_blue:

Sorry to resurrect an older thread, but I couldn't let this one go by without saying some things, as I have been in a similar situation in the past.

Firstly, about the idea of 'no-sex-before-marriage', I have to say... BAD IDEA. By that time you will be locked into a lifelong commitment, and it's quite possible (probable, in fact, given your notable lack of experience) that you may not please each other in the bedroom. I hate to bring up the 'test-driving-a-car-before-you-buy-it' analogy, but it really applies here. You don't want to show up on your wedding night, thinking you're going to have some sort of magical experience, only to find that your wife has no fucking clue what she's doing. Thankfully, this didn't happen to me, but the point remains a valid one.

Secondly, regarding the girlfriend with sexual hangups: You need to LEAVE HER, NOW. This will NOT get better, it DOESN'T matter how slow, tender, gentle, kind, loving etc. you are with her, she will NEVER "get better". This problem will NEVER GO AWAY, NO MATTER WHAT you do to try to help her. I know, that what I'm about to say next isn't what you want to hear, but it is the absolute truth: YOU NEED TO LEAVE HER.

Without sex, your relationship will NEVER come even close to being as good as it could be. Hell, without sex, there really isn't much point in even HAVING a relationship.

To sum up: She'll never 'grow out' of or 'move past' this, she WILL be like this for the rest of her life. Do you really want to be dragged down along with this dead weight? LEAVE HER, NOW. And don't look back.

Are you always this optimistic?

quote:Originally posted by McLaren:

6 billion people on earth and there is a 50% chance that a newborn will be female. You must have failed biology.

you (not the person i'm quoting) must have failed at life

Wear a ski mask and hold a knife to her throat. Punch her in the face as u see fit.

if i may interject for a moment i suggest giving her a massage in a confortable and safe place this will help with the security issues that she may have. another point talk to her about ways that you two can work this out, like ask her what you can do that will help or prove to her that you are not like nor will ever be those other men. please keep in mind that all this abuse has left deep scars and she may never get over them but at least she can work around them and obtain a some what normal sexual life