Oh man. I now walk on the grounds of heartbroken pre-teens and 15 year olds convinced they've seen the harder side of life.

But, to my story:

Last year, when I was in college, I met the most amazing girl; long story short, we fell in love. Sounds great right? Wrong. I had habits at school that were beyond my own power to break, and I kept them from her for 8 months. During this time, me and her grew closer, and I decided one day to confide my problem to her.. As I expected, she was heartbroken that I couldn't kick my addiction, and even more heartbroken that I hid it from her.

I (rightfully) felt like shit. Soon after this, I was raided by the Police while in school, and escaped luckily with just a 30 day ban from the dormitories. At this point, I decided that since I was doing shitty in school, for a second semester, that I would go back where I came from and get my shit straight. I explained to Amanda that I needed to leave and get back on track, in some way shape or form. She was once again, heartbroken; This time over the fact that I wasn't going to try and stay near her, but rather go back to what I knew to try and pick up the pieces. I know a 30 day suspension from the dorms doesn't sound like reason to leave and not come back, but I had so much dirty laundry to take care of, leaving felt like my only choice.

We resolved to do the long distance relationship thing, which lasted a whopping 48 hours after we kissed and said goodbye in the airport. (Like a scene from a movie, seriously.) She told me that my hiding my addiction had wounded her more deeply than she could express, and felt like there was nothing she or I could to to fix it. So she left me for my best friend in school. Figures , doesn't it?

The break up was, by far, the hardest thing in my life. Coupled with withdrawls upon arriving in Phoenix AZ (my hometown), and heartbreak, the next three weeks were the worst they could have been. All I could see in my mind was her going into his arms, crying about how I had let her down. The worst part was, it was true, and he was a better man than I was.

During this time, I get my life on track, kick my habits, and begin to feel human again. This whole time, unable to resist the urge to know what was going on with her, I would check her Myspace, only to feel sick to my stomach every time I saw "In a relationship" in her info.

At this point, I decided to enlist in the Air Force, and join the rest of my family in the tradition. I ended up moving back to Colorado (where she was) at the end of June (6/25 to be precise). About three weeks after I came home, she instant messaged me. I froze for a good 10 minutes trying to figure out what to say in that moment I had been waiting for for so long. I soon learned that things were not going well in her life, at all; her cure-all boyfriend included. I tried my best to help her with these problems, the nice-guy route is nothing new to me.. (I had 3 phone lines to myself in highschool because girls would call me at all hours of the night to ask me for advice, and I could always help. Figures that I could never help myself.) But the strangest thing happened as I helped her along, something that had never happened with the other girls I let cry on my shoulder all those hours late in the nights of freshman-junior year- She forgave me for what I had done, and even began to show signs of interest in me.

Guarding my own heart, I refused to allow myself to fall back in love with her, but with every IM and email, I remembered more and more of our past that I had walled off during those lonely months. To complicate matters more, as we talked more, I learned my date of departure for the Air Force; December 12th. I eventually realized what my heart had known all along; I still loved her, with all of my heart. We continued to correspond from that point on. I told her about a month and a half ago what I had been wanting to tell her, but had been too afraid to. I love her. She didn't say anything at first, but reciprocated. I could tell that she was scared of what this could mean.

And last night something even more unexpected happened. I live about 100 miles away from my former college, where she still attends. I got a phonecall at about 6:30, saying that she had found her way to my town because she had been taking pictures and ended up here. Honestly, I don't really buy the story; You don't just absent mindedly drive 100 miles.. I met her in town, and we chit chatted for a while at a restaurant, and then I took her around the town, though she had seen it before when we had been dating.. We eventually stopped near a burned down barn, and I asked a question that I had no idea the answer to.. Would she be angry if I kissed her? She quietly said no... And I did. Immediately as I kissed her, she wrapped her hands around me, and embraced me in a way that she never had before. As we sat there in the back seat of her car, I prayed that this would finally work, that I would finally have what my heart had starved for for so long..

I whispered in her ear that I never stopped loving her, and, to my suprise, this had almost the opposite effect on her.. She became very quiet, and buried her head in her hands for a long time, (I suspect crying silently) not moving. I had told her before that I was leaving on December 12th, for four years with the Air Force. Eventually, we parted, and I went home, my head dizzy with what had just happened.

Today, she won't even talk to me. I offered to call her, and she said she was not up for it. After asking what was on her mind, she delicately told me that she "didn't know what she had gotten herself into, or even what to do with this situation."

This broke my heart. The last thing I wanted was for her to regret what happened yesterday, and the worst part is, because of her reaction, I find myself regretting it too. I was looking through my papers today, and I found out, I haven't submitted my final contract for the Air Force.. I could choose not to..

Totse, S&A, anyone, help me. I don't want this girl who has meant so much to me to get away, but life is tearing me away from the one I want most...

~Saint947

If it's meant to be, it'll happen somehow.

That's how I like to think, anyway. Where are you going with the Air Force?

Anyway, you can't force someone to be with you, it's really up to her.

Good luck.

quote:Originally posted by Sick_Boy:

Where are you going with the Air Force?



I'm down for Loadmaster (Manage the payload on cargo aircraft. Sounds like a bitch of a job, but it's really actually very easy, and quite cool. Go all over the world..) so I wouldn't be near... But the more I think of her, the more I fall back into what we once had..

~Saint947

That's tough. You gotta weigh it out, career versus girl. But it doesn't sound like she wants to pursue a relationship, especially since you'll be gone all the time.

quote:Originally posted by Sick_Boy:

But it doesn't sound like she wants to pursue a relationship

That's what drives me wild about her most. She's not like most girls that would delude themselves "OmG w3 wiLl b 2gether 4evAr!!!!11"- She's willing to make the hard decisions, even when they're extremely painful.. This type of integrity is so rare nowadays.. I just feel sick to think of just rolling over, and not finding a way..

~Saint947

Well.. I guess there's not much to say about it..

Every minute I hear nothing from her drags me a little lower into the ground.

~Saint947

Damn, that's a helluva story. Nicely written, and just wow.

Now, I'd say she's reluctant to get into a relationship, perhaps because she's worried it'll end like it did before, or just end in general, and she doesn't want to do through that hurt again, I can see a point here.

You both do sound very mature and sensible (you're about my age, really) with this, so that's not a problem.

It's between your career and her right now. If you think that you can make things work with her, and have a halfassed job/etc. then go for it, you have the option now.

All I can say is... talk to her, if you both want to be together and can get along decently otherwise (job, etc.), then stay. If the Air Force is pretty much the only (decent) way you can make things work in your life, and you want to go, then follow that path. Go with your heart, but keep some logic/sense in it.

Today marks the second day that she hasn't said anything to me.. I suppose I'll try calling her tonight..

~Saint947

Oh man, that's tough...

Maybe she doesn't want to get attached because she knows you're leaving.

Does she know you don't HAVE to go?

My read on the situation?

It sounds like she wanted a fun fling with an ex that is now a close friend. Just looking for sex and excitement.

This talk of unending love, well, probably spooked her six ways from Sunday.

The two of you aren't on the same page at all, from what I understand.

Edit: I apologize if this is the correct read. Life will get better, it's fluid and other girls will come into your path.

[This message has been edited by Euda (edited 10-25-2006).]

How the fuck did you expect her to respond?!

"I love you.

Oh, and I'm going off to join the air force, see ya in 4 years! kthxBAI!"



I wouldnt exactly want to get with a guy who said shit like that and who then planned to fuck off again.

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

How the fuck did you expect her to respond?!

"I love you.

Oh, and I'm going off to join the air force, see ya in 4 years! kthxBAI!"



I wouldnt exactly want to get with a guy who said shit like that and who then planned to fuck off again.

I wasn't planning on just running off after bagging her, which I didn't do by the way.

Sounds to me like you've been victim of the old "fuck and run" routine more than once, and bitterness is coming through. I haven't submitted my final paperwork yet- If she would give me the slightest indication that she wasn't trying her hardest to get over me, I would gladly let the Air Force go.

She didn't just randomly happen to end up in my town- It's one of those towns that you don't find your way to unless you're looking. I'm just confused about this whole thing at this point.

And to the one who said something about spooking her- She's not 14. She knows the level of commitment me and her had before, where we were planning on getting married, so please don't belittle me as if I'm being unrealistic in my goals with her.

~Saint947

First of all, that was a hell of a well-written post, very moving.

Others above have touched on this, but: I get the feeling she still has some serious love for you (like you said: "You don't just absentmindedly drive 100 miles" -- I don't think anyone would do that just for some quick action or whatever), but she's ambivalent about it because you're going off to the Air Force plus what happened in the past. I think she's reluctant to put her heart on the line again because she's afraid of another emotionally wounding experience and isn't sure if she can trust you to really be there.

I don't know your reasons for joining the Air Force or if it's something that you really need to do, but man, your post absolutely reeks of intense love and it's obvious this girl means the world to you. I think maybe you should talk with her about this, the trust issues/the past/etc, and ask her if this is what's upsetting her.

Other than that, I really don't know what to say, this is a really tough situation and though I've experienced something very similar, in my case it was never resolved and I've only recently been able to move beyond it.

I feel for ya, man. Hang in there and good luck.

-dt

try talking to her man,tell her that you dont have your final contract signed and if there is a chance or something you will tell the air force to "fuck the fuck off" or something...but you know,play it smooth.

quote:Originally posted by Saint947:

I haven't submitted my final paperwork yet- If she would give me the slightest indication that she wasn't trying her hardest to get over me, I would gladly let the Air Force go.



But she doesent know that, does she?

Or did you tell her that the air force wasnt definite? Or did you make it very clear that that's what you were doing?



It's not a case of fucking, I think she's more scared of falling in love with a guy, again, and then him breaking her heart, and leaving. AGAIN.