I don't know what i'm going to write now, i just feel i have to write. So forgive me if this turns off topic, to be honest i've never done this before.

I feel kind of uneasy, like things aren't going to turn out right. I've had depression for years now and i feel like it might be that, or who knows. I just feel slightly on edge and kind of weird.

I've just done an incredibly cowardly thing, and i feel horrible about it. I've led a very lonely life so far and not long ago i found a great friend in someone. And i had a complete breakdown a little over a week ago and completely cut off all contact thinking it would make me feel better, completely disregarding her feelings about it.

But it's made me feel worse in more ways than one, but suppose i deserve it. And now im unable to rectify anything as my laptop no longer lets me use msn. And my insecurities and problems don't let me use the phone.

I suppose im writing this because she browses totse, and hopefully she'll both see it and figure out that it's me, and maybe accept my apology, but i don't expect her to.

This probably sounds cold, but i can only say things in a slightly detatched kind of way, otherwise my mind makes me believe everyones laughing at what i'm saying. My mind believes that if i say things in a reserved way, people wil accept them as the facts, and not believe that they are completely tearing me apart, and will therefore have no way to attack me.

I've gone through years of bullyng and social isolation which has conditioned me to show no feeling, no personality, nothing, in case someone finds a chink in my defences and exploits it. I do this so much that when people meet me, they describe me as 'cold', 'unfriendly', 'hostile'. I've been told to cheer up, even when im in a good mood.

I suppose i'm hoping that if shes reading this, she'll understand that i'm not a monster and im honestly regretting everything. I feel so weak and useless. I'm not used to being liked by someone, it messes with my mind and makes me feel so out of place, which is why i thought that just running away would help me feel better in the first place.

And in case she still hasn't figured out it's me, maid marion knows her

Feel free to comment or whatever. I don't even know why im posting this on totse rather than just putting it all in an email.

I just feel so weird. I always thought that talking to people made me feel worse. But now it's all i want to do...

Oh well.

Just call her, buddy!

quote:Originally posted by Sick_Boy:

Just call her, buddy!

I wish i could.

I can't phone people, i get anxiety attacks and get REALLY paranoid they find me boring and wan't to tell everyone else how boring i am.

That probably sounds stupid to everyone except me, and yes its cowardly.

Naw, I know what you mean. I can definitely relate, I've had problems with depression/anxiety my whole life. I know it's hard, but just try and remember that she's your friend, and she's not going to think you're a loser if you call her and are awkward on the phone. Have you emailed her? Surely you can do that, in case she doesn't see this.

I love you Sam, and I know you're feeling terrible. But I am always here for you.

xxxxxxx

quote:Originally posted by Sick_Boy:

Naw, I know what you mean. I can definitely relate, I've had problems with depression/anxiety my whole life. I know it's hard, but just try and remember that she's your friend, and she's not going to think you're a loser if you call her and are awkward on the phone. Have you emailed her? Surely you can do that, in case she doesn't see this.

My problem is that if i email her, ill be anxious about how im coming off, and that i might be sounding like im whining and making it into a 'feel sorry for me' thing, even though im not.

Dammit it's awkward stepping round my anxiety. I probably should just do the logical thing and call her, but i'm scared of my mood swings, and i really don't want to have a breakdown again...

i have no idea what to do >_<

thanks for replying, by the way. i really appreciate it.

This thread makes me think of an another weird episode of Freaks and Geeks.

quote:Originally posted by wires:

I love you Sam, and I know you're feeling terrible. But I am always here for you.

xxxxxxx

you figured out it's me

now i feel kind of stupid, but relieved at the same time.

I knew you had that username, I just wasn't going to mention I knew about it.

I hope stuff is bearable right now.

I'm up for downloading AIM or something if you want to talk?

xxxx

Edit - But if you also want some space right now thats cool too, and I'm not going to be offended

[This message has been edited by wires (edited 10-24-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by Mantix:

I wish i could.

I can't phone people, i get anxiety attacks and get REALLY paranoid they find me boring and wan't to tell everyone else how boring i am.

That probably sounds stupid to everyone except me, and yes its cowardly.

holy shit! i'm not alone in having phone paranoia! but its ok. really. if you absolutely need to call this chick up, find a place where you're most comfortable. i go to my room. it helps you talk to people, and maybe sound more interesting (?).

well, i hope all ends well for you, no matter what happens.

Bear with me? BEAR with me? HEHHEHEHEE

Awwww... now that was cute and heart touching right there.

quote:Originally posted by Vegetable Man:

Bear with me? BEAR with me? HEHHEHEHEE

im too tired right now even to know whether i spelled it wrong or not.

peer through her window while tossing the salad ...

nope seriously..get drunk..it helps give you confidence

quote:Originally posted by MJR deus:

peer through her window while tossing the salad ...

nope seriously..get drunk..it helps give you confidence



He doesn't fancy her you idiot