This is going to be long, sorry guys.

So there's a guy I've liked for about four years. We've been friends, we've messed around, and we've even said we love each other. But we're not dating, and we're not like faithful to one another.

At the beginning of the summer I slept with him for the first time, and he asked "What is this?" I told him I wanted it to be more than just messing around, but I could live with it being that. He said he didn't think I could, but then did nothing whatsoever to stop the situation. It didn't really upset me because at the time I didn't think I should date anyone.

It happened a few more times over the summer, and the last week before he left for school again (he goes to school an hour from where I do), he told me he loved me, but that he was afraid to try anything serious with me because he cared about me a lot and didn't want us to ever stop being friends. I agreed because I don't think the long distance thing would work, and we've messed around during the times he's come back to visit.

Here's my dilemma though: another friend of mine, we'll call her Susan, apparently slept with him over the summer, too. They were drunk, and at the time she thought I just wanted in his pants and nothing more, so I'm not mad at her about it. A third party, we'll call her Joan, was the one to tell me that Susan slept with the guy. I haven't told Susan I know. Joan thinks I'm being duped, because this guy specifically waited until the end of the summer to say anything, when he knew he wouldn't have to have any ties to me for saying it. I've tried to get Susan to tell me about it, and I've asked her if she thinks I'm being duped, but she pointed out that he didn't need to tell me he loved me for me to sleep with him, because I already had before he said it, and I would do it again. Joan thinks he's just doing all of this to fuck with my head, but she didn't have an explanation as to why he would do this (because in our history together, I'm the only one who got hurt, and I've never done anything to hurt him).

My question is, would a guy go through all that trouble to fuck with a girl's head, even if he had no reason to do so? I know this guy really well, and I can't imagine him doing something like that maliciously, only maybe by accident, which has happened before. Do you guys think I'm being duped?

No, he just wants pussy.

one assumption you're making is that he is calculating or decisive in his behavior. i wouldn't assume this. many people go through life passively, taking whatever opportunities come to them, even if their actions conflict with their feelings and values.

you've noticed that there's a contradiction in his actions. he said he cared about you, but he slept with another girl, and won't make anything official. i don't necessarily think he's a bad guy, or that he was trying to "dupe" you. it could just be that he's not emotionally mature enough to know what he wants, or in control enough to be able to treat people the way they deserve to be treated. do you get what i'm saying? he might not have "duped" you, but i do think that you should deal with him with a cynical approach, and don't invest any feelings. you'd be bound to get hurt.

[This message has been edited by lauren7249 (edited 10-22-2006).]

I don't think you're being duped.

I'd say that he just isn't too concerned about things becoming serious. Many people can have loving feelings for someone and not participate in a real relationship.

The way I'm seeing this, he just wants to get his end away with any girl he can. Including your friend.

There's also the possibility that he just wants the attention and to feel like people are pining over him.

I've met guys like this before...Hell, my own brother went through a phase of doing this.

He'd fuck one chick and tell her he wasn't in for anything serious even though the girl was serious about being with him.

Then he went and fucked her friend, sister and even one's mother (But in all fairness that one was a bitch!)

If I were you, I'd take this for what it is...He just wants to get laid and that's all there is and probably will be.

Take it for what it is sweetheart.

quote:Originally posted by Shayde:

No, he just wants pussy.

exactly.

ladies, cmon, guys really aren't complicated at all. overthinking this shit.

Maybe it's not that he waited until the end of the summer... he just didn't realize it until then?

And I don't see why he'd have any reason to fuck with you, though you do have to remember... how many times did we hate him during high school for being a complete dick, and how many times did we forget about everything he ever did?

But he did tell me once he's adamently against using the l word... he wouldn't even say it to explain that. I think he's being serious, but you know he has trouble with self-control.

In all honesty, I don't thinks it's a lost cause to have feelings for him, but I think it will be a long time before he realizes what he wants. Don't miss any opportunities because of him.

Thanks everyone, for your input. I knew I wouldn't like a lot of it, but pretty much everything you wrote I'd already contemplated myself, so it didn't upset me to read it. It really is far more complicated a story/history than I was able to express here, so I guess firekitty has the best grasp of what's going on.

I won't invest all my affections on him; if something better comes along, I'll go for that. I'm not willing to date him yet, either, because of the distance, so I can't get upset about that. But thus far in my track record with guys, he's been the best both emotionally and sexually. And I know how sad that must sound.

Life is really too short to let yourself get dragged around by some guy.#

Perhaps it means as much to him as it does you, but possibly not.

Please dont start to hope that things might click between you and you'll start to 'date', because chances are he's got other plans, and that might well devastate you.

Take care.