(The following is a chapter from my book entitled Wax Insipid. Look for it in Barnes & Noble in the next few months.)

The female gender... Wow... what a delightfully baneful inception with which men are afflicted. Some guys have this whole act about "dealing with women" down to a science. Others, though... heh... we still struggle.

I've had a share of relationships of all different strengths and intensities. I don't consider myself a "relationship expert" by any means, but I do consider myself lucky based on my past overall behavior and reputation for being a geek. I lost my virginity when I was sixteen to a home schooled girl who was seventeen. Score! An older chick! She was way out of my league as far as how smoking hot she was (not that I'm bad looking, but guys that think and act like me don't hook up with hotties), but she didn't know that. She had no external influence on which to base that decision. I didn't wear Abercrombie or Gap or anything trendy of the sort. I did care about my looks, but that frugality stopped at my body; I couldn't care any less about what I used to cover myself with. But that didn't matter. I treated this girl like I was one, the greatest gift that God could have given to women, and two, the horniest and most sex-deprived creature that had ever existed. (Now, I may have been pushing it just a tad with that first description, but the second one... well... I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if every single word of it were factual.) Every single encounter between us consisted of, at the very least, a lot of groping mainly on my part. She would hang out in front of my house with her sister and sometimes her dog, walking back and forth on the beach, trying to make it look as though she didn't care an ounce if I came outside to see her... sans the fact that she never walked further than thirty feet away from where the property lines were positioned... I'd be sitting at the dinner table with my mom or I'd be watching television. I'd notice her pacing around outside.

"Oh, cool, there's Alicia," I'd say as nonchalantly as possible, trying to convince even myself that I was too good for this shit and that sex didn't matter a single bit to me. For some reason, it never really took long, but when she'd come around, it wouldn't take too long for "the urge" to hit. It was great. She was always there when I needed sweet release and desperately preferred the real thing. So I'd bail outside and walk down to the beach where she was. She'd send her sister home with the dog, and then it was two hours of me trying to figure out how I never managed to get a disease or become a dad. All of this in the woods, the shower, my room, or the lake.

Come to think of it... that's how she and I met. I just happened to be on the beach one day when she walked by with her sister.

"Alicia likes you!" her sister blurted out. Alicia's face became a thick shade of red, and she shot a scornful face at her sister.

I simply replied with "Oh. Cool," even then trying to come across as a careless hot-shot. Later that night, Alicia came by. By dusk, there was a lot of heavy petting going on. Four whole days later, we did the deed. I officially became a liar if I called myself a virgin.

This whole ordeal actually helped me a bit with high school. My friend Tom just happened to come over one time without my knowledge and heard the entire ruckus. He thought it would be funny to interrupt our little session by screaming through my bedroom door, telling me to "give it to her good." It doesn't take a genius to realize that we stopped. Well... Alicia stopped the whole thing... I wanted to keep going. After putting our clothes back on, I introduced Tom to Alicia, who quickly said hi and then went home. After she left, Tom's thoughts were evident by the look on his face.

"No way, Jon. You... and her?" Even one of my oldest friends couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it either, so his sentiments were not shocking in the least. Anyway, Tom spread this news around school ("Jon hooked up with a girl!" "Big deal." "A hot one, though!" "No fucking way!") and suddenly, I got picked on just a little less. And girls paid a little more attention to me.

I think it was during this month-long period of having sex with Alicia that I realized I didn't like girls. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm one of the few people that I think can say whole-heartedly that I have absolutely zero gay or bi-sexual tendencies... or thoughts... or anything that could be described in that manner. And don't get me wrong again; I don't have any problem with anyone that's gay or bi. I'm just saying that I'm one hundred percent straight. But what I realized was that I could just have sex with a girl and not like her at all. I don't know if this was entirely true or not; it could easily have been just the fact that I was finally getting sex. But during that time, it wouldn't have been any problem for me to hang out with a girl just so I could look good and get laid. A relationship that consisted of anything more than two bodies ruining bed sheets was the furthest thing from my mind all the way through high school.

I want you to read this very carefully, because this is where I became a fucking dip shit. I screwed up any chance of getting myself back into my old state of mind, despite the fact that I'm a nice guy and that's a terrible, terrible mindset for me. It doesn't matter, though: even though it's selfish as hell, that mental condition comes with a lot less pain and agony and depression, and even though all those things are the exact opposite for the girl involved, that's something that I would be willing to do because of how extreme things become in what I'm about to explain.

When I started college, one of my goals was to reverse the image I had unwittingly created for myself in high school. I had already started on this daunting task when I started attending a tech center in my junior year and I had done pretty well. The people in my class there didn't see me as a geek, or a loser, or anything else that any number of people would scream at me all through middle school and up to my sophomore year of high school. I guess I couldn't blame them. I was the only kid within a one hundred mile radius that carried a C++ book from class to class. But in this tech center, these guys (and two girls) saw me as a peer. They saw me as an equal. And eventually, they all saw me as a friend. After graduation, twenty four of these like minded people, including myself and my two best friends that had stuck with me from the beginning, ventured off to the same university in mid-western Michigan. This school was private, and expensive, but very small. And it boasted a computer networking program not found anywhere else. (At the time, I didn't realize that any sort of study in a specialized information technology field was a lost cause.) The rest of the people that attended it weren't like us. They were there to become chefs, nurses, business owners, and other things, but that didn't matter. Out of the two-hundred and twenty people living in the residence halls, there were twenty four of us that had known each other from the beginning. And we all hung out together. To not be a part of this crew was to be left alone. As such, the rest of the people coming into the school quickly convened. We owned the school. But we were determined to show everyone that geeks are, more often than not, very cool people. Within a very short time, people came to us to organize parties. Our popularity grew; not just in this school, but in all the colleges nearby.

One day, a friend introduced me to three girls: Kim, Toni and Callie. Kim actually introduced herself to me... She wanted me to take her to an Incubus concert. (Her exact words: "I would almost jump a guy to go see Incubus.") But after foolishly listening to the same damned friend, I ended up not going, and she ended up moving to Atlanta. Toni was a spunky, loud, obnoxious (but very girly) red head New York girl studying to become a nurse. I remember thinking when I saw her, "I'm going to make her mine," even though she had a boyfriend at the time. But more about that later... Callie was a cute girl from the area, though she had been living in Ohio recently. And, to be honest, I found her to be the most attractive. She was most like the type of girl I had been wanting ever since high school. Mildly preppy, hot, and best of all, she liked me. Oh shit. I actually like a girl. Fuck. Now I've gotta run with it. During winter break, Callie and I hung out the day after Christmas. I met all her friends, and later that night, the two of us got drunk at a "friend's" apartment. With far less inhibition, we started making out. Finally, I thought to myself, a girl like this likes a dude like me. I was raising the bar. The bar quickly dropped, however, when I caught this "friend" of mine making out with her later that night. I was mortified. It was such a new feeling, and the absolute worst I had ever had. I didn't want to believe it. Over the course of the next month, things didn't go well... until I caught a roommate of mine, who was still friends with the now ex-friend, talking shit about each and every one of my real friends. I overheard him repeat some of the things this ex-friend of mine said about the night everything went down with Callie. Finally, I had some ammo. When I told Callie all the egotistical things this guy had said, her liking came back to me. I was stupid, and I accepted it. But thank God I did, for if I hadn't, I never would have met Katti.

Once Callie and I were talking again, and liking each other... again... she told me about her best friend, Katti, and how her boyfriend, or rather, ex-boyfriend, called Callie and her "cunts," and threatened to kill them. So, in my attempt to win over Callie's friends, and thereby win over Callie some more, I called this guy and told him to "watch his back." In the barrage of threats I received thereafter (including the line from Home Alone 2, "you'll be spitting gum out of a hole in your forehead"), the rest of the people in the residence halls backed me up, assaulting this guy verbally and mentally with so much ferocity that he almost immediately backed off. I was amazed that I had that many people stick up for me, but more importantly my plan had worked. The very next week, Katti invited Callie and I to her nineteenth birthday party, exactly one day before my nineteenth birthday. I graciously accepted, and off I went. There were very few people at this party, consisting of Katti, Callie, another girl I don't remember, some guy I don't remember, and me. But we got drunk nonetheless, and I ended up making out with both Callie and Katti... and then I videotaped Katti and Callie doing a little more than just kissing... Afterwards, while we were all still trashed, I accidentally knocked over a house plant, and dirt spilled all over the floor. Katti came over immediately and started helping me clean up my mess. In my drunkenness, I stumbled and fell over, using one of my hands to brace myself on the freshly strewn dirt. "Oh no... Now my hand smells like dirt," I said. Katti and I started laughing hysterically (as did I... I have no idea why, though.) I immediately became infatuated with this girl... She was, to me, hotter than Callie, and a lot less shy. I never thought anything more would come of her and me... until the next morning when I returned to the college.

I still had every intention of trying to start a relationship with Callie, but Callie didn't feel the same way. Besides that, I had learned a lot about her. More than I wanted. Callie had no trouble liking guys. That wasn't a good thing for me. I wanted a girl that would like me, but wouldn't easily like other guys. Callie liked all my friends. It seemed like a relationship with her would not be a healthy thing. My day became sorely depressing when I finally came to this conclusion. When I opened up my web browser and took a look at Katti's web log, however, the day became sunny once again. The words screamed at me off the monitor. That's right, Jon. A 'hot' girl, as you put it, likes you and thinks you're cute. I asked her out that day. This amazing girl from Grand Valley, not twenty miles away, was mine. Finally. The next four months were the best days of my life.

I found out a lot about Katti from the get-go. We liked the same music: Korn, 311, and Sublime, just to name a few. She liked sex as much as I did, and within the first week of our relationship, I had worn myself out. We were always with each other. We were the two people that you would think would never date: the "punk" guy (as I had become in college) and the preppy girl. She didn't like computers like I did, but that didn't matter. She was going to school to become a physical therapist. We fell completely in love with each other after only a single month. And by the beginning of the fourth month, she told me I was the first guy she could actually picture herself being with for the rest of her life. The world was ours. It was created just for us... the dunes we walked along Lake Michigan, the city where we partied nearly every night, the streets where we drove for hours with no intention other than to get lost... everything was perfect.

But something happened shortly thereafter...

Our talks on the phone, and in person, became increasingly short. As did Katti's temperament. In one of our final few conversations, she blurted out "You said you wanted to lose some weight, so why don't you? And I feel so fucking shallow for saying this, but I wish you'd... I don't know... wear different clothes instead of the same things every time I see you."

I wasn't fat. Hell, I wasn't even big. But I did want to lose a little weight. And now I knew that she wanted me to, also. Instead of doing what I should have done, I tried to fix things. I started wearing jeans instead of cargo pants and the like. I started jogging. It sucked... the jogging, I mean... But it seemed to work... for a little while, at least. I became increasingly frustrated. I never manifested this disturbance, but it nagged at me. Constantly. I didn't want to be someone I wasn't. And it felt like this was all Katti wanted to do to me. It was like high school was all coming back... and despite as ridiculous and emo as it sounds, it felt like Linkin Park wrote the song "Lying From You" just for me. (Search them on the internet if you want to see the lyrics yourself.)

As much as it affected me, I continued with it. I didn't want to give up Katti. I thought that, somehow, this has to work.

Two months later, after a trip we had to Chicago, she called and said she wasn't happy anymore. And that was that. The first girl I had ever fallen in love with, the girl I lost my sanity to, and the girl that I still think about to this day (both good and bad thoughts) was out of my life forever. The very next day, she started going out with her friend Justin. I was... how can I accurately portray this... "crushed to bajeezus and back." (Thanks, Carl.)

That was my first love... That is what screwed me up. That is what made it impossible for me to go back to not giving a shit about girls. But oh no, it didn't end there.

Toni and I had talked off and on during our own relationships. In case you forget, Toni was the girl I mentioned that was from New York. And now, suddenly, it seemed like both of the people we were with that made such an impact on us were gone... at the same time. I'm thinking that had something to do with the reason we became attached to each other, but our relationship kicked off about a month after Katti and I broke up... It was an extremely bumpy go, seeing as how we both had defenses the other had to break down that had been built up from our previous loves. And it didn't help that after about a month into it, Toni moved back with her dad to New York. She cheated on me, and that should have been the end of it, but it wasn't. I was too stupid from everything that had happened before. We were completely drawn to each other. With me, Toni fit. And a lot of our characteristics went unnoticed between us. We built a love off something. And I don't know what that something was, but it was exceedingly strong. We didn't do anything when we saw each other, which was a rarity. We just went for walks, or... had sex. And a lot of the time, I felt guilty, because thoughts of Katti would spring up like weeds.

This, in a nutshell, was my second love.

Now, pay attention, because if it sounds like you're in the same boat, as horrific as it might seem, you're ahead of the game. Believe me. None of these girls were crazy. I haven't gotten to the crazy one yet. I suppose this would be a good place to start, though, right? Remember me mentioning Kim? No, she's not the crazy one. I dated Kim for a little bit, though. I still consider her a cool girl, but I just didn't really have much interest in her. I figured that out shortly after we started dating. It sucked, though, because now that I had developed "feelings," it seemed like I couldn't live without them. The entire time I was dating Kim, I felt lonely. I suppose that's a lot of the reason I broke up with her. But when I did, I wanted back in the game. I didn't want to be lonely. I wanted another Katti: someone I could love and be loved by in return. I immediately started looking again. The first place I ventured was the new school I was attending: Kalamazoo Valley Community College. That's right. I went from attending an expensive, private school to a cheap, public school with a damned open-enrollment policy. I had a couple surgeries on my back while attending the previous school, and they just so happened to coincide with my finals. It sure was a good thing that the school wasn't willing to give me any sort of a break, because otherwise I wouldn't have failed my classes nor would I have lost my financial aide and I still would have been able to attend, and that would have been terrible. I don't know if you caught the sarcasm in that sentence or not, but trust me: it's there. But I digress. In between classes, I would sit in the student commons and look at girls as they passed by. I'd try to think of something that I could say to them to start a conversation, but as everyone knows, stuff like that doesn't just "happen." It takes a situation, and unfortunately, I was fresh out. One day, though, a familiar face made an appearance. It was Kristen. Kristen was one of the very few moderately attractive girls that actually talked to me in high school. She smiled and we hugged and then sat down and started talking.

Over the course of a week, we hung out a lot. I took her out to the bar, or out to lunch for Chinese food. I had liked her in high school, but I only wanted to fuck her brains out. Gradually, that liking came back. Ten-fold. And it came back with actual feelings this time. I genuinely liked the girl. However, unlike in high school, I was now better at letting her know about it, even though I was still very sneaky about the whole situation. One night, I invited her over just to hang out. She shows up with her gay friend, John, and both of them are drunk. I didn't think much of it, that is, until Kristen grabbed me out of nowhere and shoved her tongue in my mouth in mid-sentence. Of course I didn't resist. This was great. I went right along with it. And when she finally broke the kiss, she looked me square in the eyes.

"I want to have sex with you."

Yes. Those were her exact words. Even though she currently had a boyfriend (a bad, bad sign) she was still willing to fool around with me. And there was no emotion in what she said other than a firm tone that signaled to me that it was going to happen, whether or not I wanted it. But, of course, I did want it. So when John fell asleep on my couch, she pulled me into my bedroom and removed her clothing. You can guess the rest.

It was like a dream come true. This chick that I wanted to lay so badly since high school was now in college and I slept with her. In my bed. I felt like the coolest being on the entire planet; so much so that I called my friend Ryan the next morning, and right in front of Kristen, nonetheless.

"Hey, Ryan... you'll never believe who I'm in bed with," I said with a bit of wist.

"Oh, I bet I would," was the reply. Alright then.

"Kristen."

"...Kristen?!" was his delayed, but very exclamatory interrogative. "Kristen from high school?!"

"That's the one," I replied. "Here. You talk to her." I passed the phone off to her. Although I can't picture myself, I can definitely remember having a shit-eating grin plastered across my face the entire time they talked, even though it wasn't for very long.

The phone was then handed back to me.

"Good job, man. You did what I couldn't," Ryan stated. It was brutal for my already inflated ego. Oh well. That's what friends are for, right? They're always there to make you feel even cooler, no matter what.

There was another quickie before noon, then John finally woke up, and they headed back home some twenty miles away.

Kristen broke up with her boyfriend. We were "official" for about a week. But it was becoming more and more noticeable that this relationship wasn't what one would consider normal. It didn't click in my mind yet that there was something wrong, though, because I just thought that every relationship was different. At the end of the week, Kristen and John came over again to get drunk with me. Somewhere during the heavy buzzing, Kristen turned to me and asked if I wanted to have "one last toss in the sheets." I didn't quite realize what she meant, but it became apparent very quickly. She told me that she thought that her and I were too different to be together, so she was extending an offer of sex for one last time. Otherwise, she'd leave right then and there. Now, had I not fucked myself up by acquiring feelings, "one more time" would have been a great idea. However, I liked Kristen. And even under normal circumstances, I would have gone along with it. But there was a knot in my stomach that tied itself very tightly. I knew that after she left, there was the chance that Kristen could be out there sleeping with some other guy, and for some reason, I didn't want that. At all. In an instant, I decided it would be better to make her feel mildly bad or even just awkward and have her leave without accepting any sex. I told her to get out of my house as I was feeling tired and was going to bed. The look on her face was priceless. It was the last thing she was expecting me to say. And with that, I went into my bedroom, slammed the door, and crawled into bed. I heard John telling her that they should leave, but it was like she saw right through me. She made it a point to come into my room and sit on the side of the bed and explain why she made her decision. She thought I was a liar and completely different from her. I told her that she knew that wasn't true and reaffirmed my imperative to have her leave. She did so without saying another word.

The next day, I receive an instant message from her saying she couldn't believe how I just let her drive home drunk. I admit, that wasn't a smart move, but even though I still liked her a lot, I didn't give a crap if she split her car in two on a tree and burnt to death. She said she'd never felt so unwanted. I reminded her that she was the one who called it off.

Take the story I just told you about Kristen into consideration for a moment. If a girl starts playing games like that, she's not worth the relationship. Period. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that sound like a flat-out mind-fuck? She said that she didn't want to be with me, offered sex, and then when I refused and kicked her out, she said that she didn't feel wanted. That's one hell of a way to get the attention of someone who has already devoted all of it to said subject. Of course, this didn't even cross my mind at the time. I still liked the girl. I had yet to realize how crazy she was. Even more-so, I had yet to realize how crazy I could be.

Kristen and I stayed friends for a bit. How long I can't remember, but suffice it to say it was a rather short time. One day in between class and work, we went out for pizza and she came over to my place to study for fall finals. I decided I was going to take a nap before going to work. So did Kristen. So we took a nap. In the same bed. Neither of us fell asleep, because about ten or fifteen minutes of lying down, Kristen turned to me.

"Is there anything else you wanna do?" she asked. "This is boring."

"Like what?" I inquired.

"I don't know... we could like... you know..." Her words came out with staggered utterance, as if she was waiting for me to catch the hint before she said the rest of it. "We could... have sex or something..."

Well hot damn. That surely was better than taking a nap. But I confirmed it, just to be certain she wasn't joking, and she responded positively. However, she wanted to make it very clear that it was just sexual release between two of just because of the moment; it had nothing to do with us being "a pair" again. I agreed, of course, but I had figured out by this point that sex is never just sex. I was going to do this not because I was horny, but because it would be a stepping-stone to making her my girlfriend again.

And it worked.

Things were fairly normal from there on out. For a while, at least. After about two months, though, Kristen started back in with her fickle mentality. Her reasoning about everything became more and more eccentric. She was becoming crazy. She was too hard to figure out, but I wanted to keep her. So, instead of trying to figure her out, I went crazy. By this, I mean I bought her everything she wanted. Everything. Clothes, a platinum promise-ring, and a goddamned guitar, just to name a few. It's at this point, though, where Kristen's own mental voices started to turn up the volume. It reminds me of a line in The Simpsons when I think about it. (In an episode where everyone is a character from Hamlet, Lisa says "Nobody out-crazies Ophelia!" and jumps out a window.)

One day during school, while hanging out in the commons, I noticed that Kristen wasn't letting me get close to her. By the time class was supposed to roll around, she told me that she wanted to get back with her ex-boyfriend. I didn't say a word. I got up and drove home without going to class or work, and I started drinking. I drank and I drank. From 11:00 AM all into the night, I drank. I was better than this guy she was getting back together with, and I knew it. So why the hell did she go back with him? I didn't have to wait long for the answer, because she showed up at my place around 11:30 PM the same day. I don't know how much of it was true, but I definitely learned a lot then.

I learned that Kristen had liked me in high school. I learned that when I moved out of town to go to college, she was upset, so she found some random guy that she thought had a personality similar to mine. This guy was the ex-boyfriend. She told me that after eleven months, she had become frustrated with him and was looking for an excuse to break up with him. When I came back and started attending KVCC, I became that reason. But her ex had a heart condition. When she broke up with him, he started getting drunk on a daily basis and landed himself in the hospital. She said she felt responsible, so she thought it might make things better if she started dating him again. When she visited him in his hospital room, though, he was stubborn and everything she didn't like about him. So now, here she was at my place... and single once again.

[This message has been edited by Trueborn Vorpal (edited 10-13-2006).]

Too long, didn't read.

"I'm pregnant," she said.

It was like the Castle Bravo nuclear bomb tests were being conducted in my brain when I heard those words. Even though I was drunk, I still had enough inhibition to know what that meant. "Is it mine?" I asked cautiously.

"It couldn't be anyone else's, Jon..."

In an instant, my life had pulled a one-eighty on me. No matter how void or down I felt, no matter what was happening, none of that could matter anymore. And that was because now, I was going to be a dad. A flood of images drenched my mind. I pictured myself there in the hospital getting to hold my child for the very first time. I saw myself taking my kid to an amusement park. I saw them growing up and going to college.

And it all came shattering down the very next moment.

"I want an abortion," she mutely voiced.

It seems to me that my generation no longer values life, specifically, innocent life. Far be it for me to say anything one way or the other about other people's beliefs, but my belief is that abortion is legalized murder, and I absolutely cannot stand it. As I stated, however, I won't write about why I believe that because, let's face it: I'm not going to change anyone's mind. Just make it known that I, personally, condemn it. So when I heard these words being spoken from the mother of my child, I felt sick. It was like someone launched a sledgehammer from a battleship cannon directly at my stomach. I felt betrayed, almost, because it seemed so unnecessary. Kristen knew that I could raise the kid on my money alone. But she said that she was going to get an abortion, one way or the other, and if I didn't come up with the money to do it, she'd find someone that could. I didn't know what to do, so I told her to leave the subject alone for a bit and that we'd talk about it in the morning. That seemed to ease her tension, so she smiled and kissed me. Then we slow danced to Frank Sinatra and Harry Connick Jr. Eventually, she went home and I went to bed, still highly buzzing.

I woke up the next morning with blood dripping down my back and right onto my rear end. It appeared as if I was in need of surgery once again.

I spent the next two weeks in the hospital. It wasn't all bad. I had my laptop with me and I wrote some code. The food sucked, but just like Forrest, I got all the ice cream I could eat. And best of all, I had unlimited access to morphine and percocet. I got a visit every day from Kristen, which was very odd considering my family didn't even visit as often as she did, nor did my friends. Not that it mattered to me. I felt like someone cared. When I was discharged, she tended the dressing on my wound since I couldn't reach it very effectively. It really felt like everything was going to work out.

But then one day, everything changed. I know that sounds repetitive, but let me explain. Kristen seemed like she was having a bad day. I asked her what was wrong. She suddenly smiled.

"Oh, nothing. Actually, as it turns out, the pregnancy test was wrong."

"Uhm... so then... you were never pregnant?" I asked.

"Right," she confirmed.

I don't know what it was, but Kristen had peaked and then "plateaued" her insanity from this moment forward. She was never happy. Her entire attitude turned around and stayed that way. She started saying that all the stuff I bought for her was to make her friends and her parents jealous and upset. She said I was conceited as well as totally lacking self-esteem, which I didn't even think was possible. Huh. She called my brother-in-law a dumb ass for being in the army even though he has a family, but she knew that he had a commitment to the military for a year before he even married my sister. When I reminded her of this, she called my sister stupid for marrying someone in the army, and then had the gall to call me crazy. At this point, I called her "an incredible psychotic bitch" and ended whatever "thing" we had going. At least, I tried to end it.

She got her ex-boyfriend to e-mail me a threat of physical harm. Yes, the one with the heart condition. At the time, I was planning on joining the US air force. (This plan never manifested.) He told me to stay away from he and Kristen, and I quote, "i kno a lot more then u and i kno a lot more ppl then u not even the air force can protect u." Wow! Just look at that sentence! It's crammed full of intellect and aptitude! He should join MENSA! I responded by sending him an e-mail containing a picture of a donkey and a chocolate bar. It made about as much sense as his sentence, so I figured it was appropriate for the situation. Besides, what could he do? Despite the fact that he said otherwise, he didn't know anyone that would be willing to do any kind of dirty work. He lived with two other people in a house that was owned by one of the resident's dad's. He didn't pay rent because he didn't have a job because he quit every job he ever received because he thought he was above it! All he could have done was come after me himself, and he wouldn't have done that because he's afraid of guns. But come on. I wouldn't have shot the poor bastard unless he shot at me first (and managed to not kill me, that is.) Even so, all it would have required was a slight tap on his chest to stop his heart permanently, and then I would have gotten out of it based on self-defense. So any threat he made was an empty one. And he did threaten me. Just one more time. Well, I wanted to end the entire confrontation, so I e-mailed him video of Kristen and I having sex. I haven't heard back from him since. (When I called the Q101 radio station in Chicago and told them this story, they sent me tickets to go see a concert at The Metro. It worked out well for me.)

I later learned from a friend of Kristen's that she knew she was never pregnant. She was trying to get money out of me by asking for an abortion.

All in all, the circumstances and details of everything that happened between Kristen and I hurt me almost as bad as when Katti and I broke up. Sometimes, I still read the first letter Kristen wrote me. It's sickening, but not because it's full of lovey-dovey prose. I actually find that to be rather trite. No, this letter contains just the right amount of meaning in it to make it believable. That's what makes it worse. If, as the letter claims, I'm so easily lovable and thoughts of me so easily induced, then why would the person who feels this way do something to make me feel bad and hurt me worse than I ever imagined? It was all a deceitful lie. That's why. Kristen was a self-edifying bitch who was/is guilty of the crimes she accused me of herself. Perhaps it was projection that she was doing and I never saw it until now. Because she was the one with the huge ego but no self-esteem.

Sigh. Still, though...

She was the only girl that could carry a conversation with me without solely smiling and nodding. She was the only one that would (and did) dance with me to the entire rat-pack without thinking it was weird or uncomfortable. And she was the only one to stay with me for as long as she did when I was in the hospital, even if it was false sentiments. But if this was all a lie, then why did she do it? Was it because she hadn't found herself? Was it because she was bipolar? Probably a combination of those two reasons, plus the reasons mentioned previously. She's too smart for her own good.

I just would like it to be known that I could say so much more about our situation, but there's no more blood coming out of this stone that I'm squeezing. To whoever reads this, I should also make it known that my relationship with Katti was much more meaningful and thus, it was more depressing and painful when it ended, despite the fact that I wrote much more about Kristen. But my relationship with Kristen was the most intense so far.

So where am I going with all of these personal stories about my past liaisons with the aforementioned girls? The biggest point of this entire rambling is this: before I had any kind of personal attachment, I was stable. Things weren't good, but things weren't bad, either. Given the situation that I'm left with, I'd much rather go back to how things were before it all started. Don't get me wrong: I'm not telling anyone to not care about their opposites. That's no way to live. Ever. Falling in love and all that good stuff is excellent. When it's good, it's the stuff dreams are made of. But when it's bad, it feels like the whole world is one big place of pure evil everywhere you go.

I know I don't have all the answers, and I know I'm not a relationship counselor or anything of the sort. I'm just some guy that's been there and knows what it feels like. I can only base my decisions on that fact. I know that there are people out there that have had it worse than me, but it's very hard for me to empathize with anyone in this situation, and I assume that will skew my views at least slightly. Therefore, before I say anything, I'd like to preface it with this: no matter how bad you think things are, there's someone out there that at least feels for you. You and me... we're in the same boat. So, to you, I say be sure of what you want before you really latch on to something. And make sure that whoever it is you latch on to is everything you're looking for. And then, when that all falls into place, by God, you keep it going and you keep it good. Believe me; it'll save you a lot of trouble from dealing with psychos and a broken heart.

I can honestly say that I don't know if I'll heed my own warning in the future, but I do think I'm getting better at it. Depression is a great motivator.

But then again... so is sex.

[This message has been edited by Trueborn Vorpal (edited 10-13-2006).]

This story is useless without pictures. ASCII art will do even.

quote:Originally posted by Dustin:

This story is useless without pictures. ASCII art will do even.

I showed you the video.

Let me take pictures out of it for everyone to see.

Standby...

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party1.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party2.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party3.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party4.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party5.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party6.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party7.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party8.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party9.jpg

http://vorpal.ath.cx/images/katti_party10.jpg

I'm the blonde dude in the first couple pictures.

The writing...yeah. Ok.

I saw the video before, much more entertaining.

I read it all man, interesting stuff. I thought you were just some regular nerd because you made the totse reader.

I like this part:

quote:The next day, I receive an instant message from her saying she couldn't believe how I just let her drive home drunk. I admit, that wasn't a smart move, but even though I still liked her a lot, I didn't give a crap if she split her car in two on a tree and burnt to death. She said she'd never felt so unwanted. I reminded her that she was the one who called it off.



but:

quote:

The very next week, Katti invited Callie and I

I think that's bad grammar. Would it sound right to say "Katti invited I"? I may be wrong.

quote:Originally posted by Zay:

I think that's bad grammar. Would it sound right to say "Katti invited I"? I may be wrong.

I think it's good grammar. I don't know, now. They've bitched and moaned about "<proper noun> and I" and "me and <proper noun>" so much...

You may be right. I do know you're not supposed to START a sentence with "me..."

i read it. i'm not sure why.

quote:Originally posted by Trueborn Vorpal:

I think it's good grammar. I don't know, now. They've bitched and moaned about "<proper noun> and I" and "me and <proper noun>" so much...

You may be right. I do know you're not supposed to START a sentence with "me..."





no, zay's right. it's "she invited katti and me," just like it would be "she invited me."

I enjoyed it. I'm actually going to right down the title and when I have time maybe check it out.

Truthfully?

It was clear, readable and about as 'flat' as a woman after breast cancer.

You are capable of much ,much better. It maybe autobiographical but there was none of YOU in it. I've read enough of your posts over the years to know that the man who is equally at home with a tech-9 as with ASM is missing.

And your choice of phrases badly needs some work or do you really talk like this ("She was always there when I needed sweet release and desperately preferred the real thing.") ?

Interesting read, I had some trouble reading it becasue im exhausted but I started and I was compelled to finish it. Made me feel kidna depressed, seemed like if you opened up you get hurt but if you dont you have no feeling in a relationship. I could be interrperating (sp? to late at night) this entirely wrong though. Im going to bed.

Edit: I like picture #9

[This message has been edited by Get Mountain High (edited 10-13-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

Truthfully?

It was clear, readable and about as 'flat' as a woman after breast cancer.

You are capable of much ,much better. It maybe autobiographical but there was none of YOU in it. I've read enough of your posts over the years to know that the man who is equally at home with a tech-9 as with ASM is missing.

And your choice of phrases badly needs some work or do you really talk like this ("She was always there when I needed sweet release and desperately preferred the real thing.") ?

Well, the example you point out there is actually something I kinda snicker at every time I read it. THAT isn't how I talk. THAT was my attempt at literary license. But I *do* try to keep the wording and phrase-ology in this book on par with how I speak. I try to make it SOUND like I'm having a conversation with the reader, ADD moments and all.

By the way, I changed it.

It now reads:

quote:She was always there when I needed sexual deliverance and didn’t want to "do it myself."

True, who bought this book again?

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

True, who bought this book again?

Kensington Publishing.

And I have a deadline to FINISH these last couple of chapters.

[This message has been edited by Trueborn Vorpal (edited 10-13-2006).]

This sounds stupid, but the 'wow' at the very start really degraded the hole thing for me. Otherwise though, fairly good show.

quote:The very next week, Katti invited Callie and I

No its fine, but i think it would sound better as Katti invited callie and myself.

Im tired, havent really been sleeping lately, so im a little out of it. Ill read the whole thing tomarrow. I think im missing the point from the little i read.

quote:Originally posted by Trueborn Vorpal:

By the way, I changed it.

It now reads:

She was always there when I needed sexual deliverance and didn’t want to "do it myself."

How about "She was always there when i needed sexual deliverance and self abuse didn't appeal" or ""She was always up for a fuck if if i didn't fancy a wank"?

BTW I did think it's good, i just know you could do so much better...yikes i sound like a primary school teacher! I also expect a handsigned copy (at my expense of course).

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

How about "She was always there when i needed sexual deliverance and self abuse didn't appeal" or ""She was always up for a fuck if if i didn't fancy a wank"?

BTW I did think it's good, i just know you could do so much better...yikes i sound like a primary school teacher! I also expect a handsigned copy (at my expense of course).

Well, I'll figure out.

And you'll be the first one to get a copy... provided I finish it in time. =P

quote:Originally posted by Trueborn Vorpal:

Well, I'll figure out.

And you'll be the first one to get a copy... provided I finish it in time. =P

I am the moderator of Printed Matter. I expect an evaluation copy for review and publicity.

good but got no soul , well in my opinion .

George Orwell FTW

tl/dr...Joking. Nice read!

"The female gender... Wow... what a delightfully baneful inception with which men are afflicted. Some guys have this whole act about "dealing with women" down to a science. Others, though... heh... we still struggle."

Your opening paragraph sucks. Delightfully baneful? That's an oxymoron, and a bad one. Why do you use inception? A beginning? How are you afflicted with a beginning? A delightfully annoying beginning? Is it delightful? No, it's not. Is it annoying, yes, but baneful is a stupid word to use. This sounds like a high school kid trying to sound smart.

Your preposition is wrong when you say "act about dealing with women." It should be act of dealing with women. An "act about dealing with women" sounds like you're giving a description about a play, a work of theatre. An act of something is what you need to say, as it's referring to action.

I can't believe you actually have a publishing deal. I can't even get past the first few sentences of this mess.