So...

There´s a guy in my year. He takes none of the same classes as me so I only spend a bit of time with him. And I´ve been hit over the head with this whole puppy love feeling, a cute boy who gets me to high-5 (haha) him so he can hold my hand afterwards and asks me what time I´m going home.

I want to kick myself repeatedly. I´mMarriedI´mMarriedI´mMarried.

I havn´t felt this way in years. I always have the inate feeling that people want to get in my pants and that´s it. But it´s cool, because I don´t trust anybody anyway. (on a meth comedown, me and a friend decided there´s a world wide conspiricy against us. It seems plausable enough).

But... he doesn´t seem this way? I´ve been told by several guys in my year that hey, I´m sexy. Great, congratudations for me. But he doesn´t seem to want anything from me, besides to sit next to me and ask if I´m okay....

-Bangs head against wall-

It´s been too long since I´ve felt wanted, rather than needed or used.

I have a husband... I have a husband.... Grrrrrr....

Does this make me an awful person??? Oh thank god he´s not in my classes, so I can just tell myself I don´t know the real him.

Plus, he wouldn´t want anything to do with me if he knew me. I mean, who would want anything to do with a bulimic who needs rehab desperetly and is covered in scars? I just have to remind myself of this.

Grrr at unusual feelings. I don´t even feel drawn to him in a sexual way, since I have no sexual feelings towards men ever (kind of odd, yes...), but more in a OmgIWantToHoldYourHandAndRestMyHeadOnYourSholder sort of way...

Which is still very very wrong...

ARGH.

I was getting worried. Is your husband still up to his eyeballs in milk and honey?

quote:Originally posted by Paranoid_Pothead:

I mean, who would want anything to do with a bulimic who needs rehab desperetly and is covered in scars?



Apparently a lot of people. Don't sell yourself short.

Uhm...I guess if you want this guy, that's one thing. But if you want to stay with your husband, focus on him for a while. Try to remember why you love him, nice things he does for you, etc. Maybe take him out to dinner someplace fancy or something like that. You could just be bored with him, so when another guy comes along he seems like a pretty good prospect.

I dunno though. I tend to give crap advice.

Your husband sounds...Difficult when you post about him. Maybe you feel like he takes you for granted? Or maybe you're just tired of him?

I was in a similar situation years ago...I had this lawyer who was rich, sweet and GEORGEOUS and for some reason he was crazy about me. Believe me there was enormous temptation...But in the end I stayed with my husband and I've always been glad that I did.

On the other hand my husband isn't a crack addict...If he had been I might've chosen differently.

quote:Originally posted by Paranoid_Pothead:

(on a meth comedown, me and a friend decided there´s a world wide conspiricy against us. It seems plausable enough).



Yep.

quote:Originally posted by fullcircle:



Yep.

It's not that it's a conspiracy...it's that most everyone is looking out for themselves alone. It's part of life - everything contributes to your being, and to the end of your being.

My husband is now in Egypt, dealing with their crappy beaurocracy. What that really means is that I´m dealing with their crappy beaurocracy and the phone company is gonna close my line eventually. The amount of arabic you aquire in such a short of amount of time when you need to yell at people is quiet amazing.

I love my husband. I have no doubt that there is no one else I could trust that much, or have anything close to enjoyable sex with, because over the years he´s the only person left. The only problem is that he has the male version of my personality and damn does it clash. We cannot go to resteraunts... I´d rather not throw up food I just paid a small fortune for... Plus, even if I don´t throw up, resteraunts make me nervous. Maybe when he´s with me and we stop fighting I won´t feel this way, but damn. I doubt anyone who knows me well would want me.

He´s insanely difficult, and he swears he´s off the crack... but it changed him enough. We´ve both been blackened by our choices in life, it´s never going to be like when we were kids and it all seemed like so much fun.

But I can´t stop thinking about this boy!!! I don´t even know him. He caught me smoking joints in the bathroom after a come down. I don´t know. My head confuses me. I couldn´t picture myself -with- him, but I just want him so much.

I need to numb the mind.

Hex, whilst I know that´s true, I swear to god, sometimes it looks like there´s a club called PeopleWhoWantToFuckWithRoxanne´sSanity who come up with weekly, daily or monthly plots to push me to the end of my rope. Tis true. I´m also a walking disaster and attract bad luck like flies to shit. Like with court orders to stop my leaving the country, that have been cancelled TWICE before and where from when I was SIX, and yet are still functioning.

Okay I´m not really that paranoid (all the time).

Maybe if I go punch him in the face or something I´ll stop liking him...

Wahhh... Why must I be so stupid and my husband such an ass.

You're not stupid and your hubby's not an ass...you're just human and make ridiculously stupid mistakes that cause pain to clue you in that you're never going to get what YOU want from life. Doesn't mean life sucks, or isn't worth living...but it does mean you don't need to take it so seriously. Problems are only problems if you make them so.

Pretend you're Franch & that it's Ok to become heese meestress...

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

It's not that it's a conspiracy...it's that most everyone is looking out for themselves alone. It's part of life - everything contributes to your being, and to the end of your being.

Hey just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

*cocks shotgun*

[This message has been edited by fullcircle (edited 10-07-2006).]

You are really fucked up.. maybe if you did go into rehab and just got your shit in order you could face something like this that any person who didn't do drugs and didn't puke up their food could face in half a second.

quote:Originally posted by Joe Cool:

You are really fucked up.. maybe if you did go into rehab and just got your shit in order you could face something like this that any person who didn't do drugs and didn't puke up their food could face in half a second.

Really? Because I generally assumed that people developing minor crushes on other people after a very long time with one person is not /that/ unusual. And I think I want him as an emotional tampon.

My fear of my husband, and then my fear of myself prevents me from being able to make split second decisions that don't end in disaster, a hospital or a police cell.

I've been to rehab several times, and I'm really pushing towards going again, maybe during the christmas holidays, or in november if the situation deteriorates, because I'm too old to just drop things in midair just because I fucked up again. And the only thing throwing up affects is my concentration and ability to eat in public places. At home I eat fruit and vegetables and microwavable fries, and all is dandy.

It's just really weird to actually like someone without analizing them to death and thinking they want in my pants.

It's normal to have a crush.

You should stop vomiting, though, because it will ruin your teeth and NOTHING is grosser than bad teeth.

I don't know everything about your situation, but it seems to me like you see yourself as a "victim" and you need to stop. You only get one life and do you really want to spend yours as a drug addicted bulimic who is incapable of making decisions?

quote:Originally posted by Xiao Mei:

It's normal to have a crush.

You should stop vomiting, though, because it will ruin your teeth and NOTHING is grosser than bad teeth.

I don't know everything about your situation, but it seems to me like you see yourself as a "victim" and you need to stop. You only get one life and do you really want to spend yours as a drug addicted bulimic who is incapable of making decisions?

It might be normal, but I never get crushes, ever I´m a freak of nature.

I´m trying to stop, but it´s something I´ve done since I was 11, and it sort of comes back in waves. I´m fine as long as I don´t eat rice, pasta, icecream, youghurts or bread. Which isn´t too hard unless people try to force me. Then I binge on the mentioned foods, and... ugh when left alone, I´m fine. I don´t binge anymore for the sake of purging, and in retrospective I have no idea how I managed to do it to myself and tell myself that hey, this isn´t alot, I don´t have a problem. (After throwing up a loaf of bread, half the slices with chocolate and half with Icra). Sad that I still remember the foods I ate on certain days...

I know I need to get myself help, and sort it out once and for all, since no one is going to do it for me, so I will go to rehab during christmas break, or on November the 1st if I´m too far gone. I would kill to have my husbands support though... Instead of him thinking I´m wrong and it´s my fault. (Which I´m well aware of, thank you very much).

I´m probably turning to this guy because he seems innocent and I want affectionate empathy. Without too much affection though, because that creeps me out. Either way, thank god I have no classes with him.

And thanks to ya all for yer words of advice and kindness, I know I bitch alot.

I didn't mean to sound harsh...I just re-read what I had posted and it came out mean when that wasn't my intention.

I can't imagine if my husband wasn't supportive of me...I would be a lot worse off if he wasn't here as a steady beacon of calm and love and nurturing. Even when I'm at my worst, he makes me feel better and at least out of the two of us he has it together.

Have you considered that maybe you're just tired of having such a volitile relationship with your husband and you're looking for something calmer?

pics???

quote:Originally posted by Xiao Mei:

I didn't mean to sound harsh...I just re-read what I had posted and it came out mean when that wasn't my intention.

I can't imagine if my husband wasn't supportive of me...I would be a lot worse off if he wasn't here as a steady beacon of calm and love and nurturing. Even when I'm at my worst, he makes me feel better and at least out of the two of us he has it together.

Have you considered that maybe you're just tired of having such a volitile relationship with your husband and you're looking for something calmer?

It didn´t come off as mean, it came off as honest.

I can´t imagine being with anyone -but- him, and he does support me when I really need it... but most of the time, he just gets pissed off and says I did it to myself. Which is true...

I do want something calmer, just with him, not with someone else. I wish he was the sane rational one in the relationship. Or I was. But neither of us are. We have different aspects of rational behavior, but we´re both still badly unhinged.

It´s difficult...