So, how often do you reminisce about past relationships?

Are daily dwellings into the past considered normal? Or unnatural?

Hmmm, I guess it decreases with time- just after the breakup, I'd reminisce like 5-6 everyday, a month after, like 2-3 times a week, now, 3 months after, I think about it once a week, maybe.

Depends on how long ago we're talking gadzuks. If it's literally daily, and happened more than a few years ago, then it definitely qualifies as unnatural.

That doesn't mean unhealthy though. Presumably the relationship in question was a particularly significant one in your personal development, or particularly traumatic or something, yeah?

Edit: the way those memories make you feel though, that's very important. If the dwelling is negative emotionally, then it's unhealthy. Do you speak about it with anyone?

[This message has been edited by fullcircle (edited 09-29-2006).]

I still think about a relationship from two years ago almost daily, and it's not really in a good or bad way. At times I'm sort of disgusted that I dated him, but mostly I'm glad. Got the experience out of it, I guess.

If somebody is a big part of your life, you don't just forget about it. I mean... seeing soembody almost every day for two years, that's what, 1/9 of my life? I don't think it's unnatural or unhealthy to think about it so often. If I were upset about it still, that would be a different story.

quote:Originally posted by fullcircle:

That doesn't mean unhealthy though. Presumably the relationship in question was a particularly significant one in your personal development, or particularly traumatic or something, yeah?

Thanks, that makes me feel better. It's been over a year, and i still think about it everyday. well not really think. it'll just like...flash by my mind for a split second. Even though I couldn't care less these days.

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

It's been over a year, and i still think about it everyday. well not really think. it'll just like...flash by my mind for a split second. Even though I couldn't care less these days.

That sounds perfectly natural, if the relationship was very important to you at the time. It's a sign that you're dealing with it naturally.

I will occasionally think about my ex boyfriend...Maybe once every 3 weeks to a month on average? And he and I broke up 10 years ago!

I find it's often 'triggered' by something, usually a song i hear.

Sometimes it's quite pleasant to recall past loves and sometimes the pain comes through.

Even after 20 years !

For example:

"She sells Sanctuary" -The Cult will have me remembering long, slooow afternoon fucks with 'Scoobi'. "The Love Cats"-The Cure will have me remembering the first party i went with her, the song "Smash it up"-The Damned was playing when she took my virginity But then again other songs will remind me of how she tore out my beating teenage heart!

Same for all my past lovers.

[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 09-29-2006).]

It's been 8 months now and it still aches like it was yesterday.

I can lust after women, I'm sure I could even fall in love if the situation was right....

But still..

There's a sore spot buried so deep, because that's where I kept it specially. Like a bruise that won't heal, you can forget about it, but it hurts when you brush up against it.

It's her birthday in 13 days. I've written her a poem.

It ends with the line I once swore to the sun and the moon and the stars, "Ich bin immer für dich da."

quote:Originally posted by fullcircle:

That doesn't mean unhealthy though. Presumably the relationship in question was a particularly significant one in your personal development, or particularly traumatic or something, yeah?

The wierd thing is... I don't even know if I ever loved her. I don't know why I miss her so much, or why I think about her all the time.

To be honest, I actually think I took her for granted. She was amazing. She never played any games or pulled any manipulative bullshit. We were together for about 7 months, and we only got into 2 fights. Both of which were my fault, admittedly, but she ended up appologizing anyway. She also travelled an HOUR out to see me every few days by bus and skytrain. That alone is just.. wow. I don't think I would ever be able to handle that kind of commute for someone. I never had to go see her, she would come all the way out to see me.

I was also very physically attracted to her. She had like a perfect body. She was so nice to me.

The list could go on forever.

Yet for some reason, I never told her I loved her.

But that's because I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to just say it without meaning. I felt so bad when she would say it to me. Or when she would kinda be fishing for me to say it.

Maybe it's the fact that she was so into me that makes it so memorable. I have no idea.

quote:Originally posted by fullcircle:

the way those memories make you feel though, that's very important. If the dwelling is negative emotionally, then it's unhealthy. Do you speak about it with anyone?

I'd say it's generally a mix between negative and possitive. I mean... positive in the sense that I remember all the good times, but negative in the sense that I really miss her.

I rarely vocalize it, because I'm generally on an entirely different level than most of my peers when it comes to emotions and whatnot. Deep down inside I am VERY emotional, but on the outside, I try to come off as apathetic, I guess to try and compensate for my extremely emotional nature.

I actually cry very easily. Even when I'm telling the most mundane, trivial anecdote to someone (or at least that's how they'll see it), I'll be practically exploding inside with emotions.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

I find it's often 'triggered' by something, usually a song i hear.

Same here, except that some of the triggers are so obscure...

For example:

Any reference to any event that occured while we were together, or even any reference to my old place where I lived (my own basement suite) while I was seeing her, or the friends' house where I met her.

Everytime I walk by a jewellery store (she worked at a jewellery store).

Here's a really wierd one:

Any reference to black culture or anything to do with black people...

Even the racial debates on totse, or when I hear rap music, or when I even read the word "Africa" (She was only half-black, half-Jamaican at that).

And then you have all the typical triggers like songs, or places we went, or things we did together.

I think it's just because I'm a very sentimental person. It doesn't take much for me to get all emotional or nostalgic, whether it be about past girls or just generally good times or whatever.

zooks, from my own experience, it really helps to let all those emotions out; it gives a bit of balance back to me.

And no, it's not really 'normal' for daily reflections of a relationship for much longer than a couple weeks since they ended. It's usually caused by resentments/regrets that haven't been dealt with. Have you tried getting a hold of her to tell her that you did love her (be honest here...you did; you don't just think about someone constantly, think you took them for granted, etc without there being SOME love there), but just weren't sure at the time? It may be your regret that you never told her that.

You're holding on to the past because there's something about it that disastisfies you; do what you can to correct it and then let it go so it can turn from a daily-lived event into experience.

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

zooks, from my own experience, it really helps to let all those emotions out; it gives a bit of balance back to me.

I don't really have anywhere to let them out. Except for totse once in a while, but I don't want to overdo it.

I have difficulty opening up to people I see on a regular basis.

There are people I talk to on MSN with whom I never really interact in real life, so I sometimes vent on them.

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

It's usually caused by resentments/regrets that haven't been dealt with. Have you tried getting a hold of her to tell her that you did love her (be honest here...you did; you don't just think about someone constantly, think you took them for granted, etc without there being SOME love there), but just weren't sure at the time? It may be your regret that you never told her that.

I don't know about that. About the whole love thing. I mean, I cared about her deeply, and I enjoyed spending time with her, but I couldn't see myself with her forever. In fact, whenever I get involved with someone, I immediately start to lose interest in them. I just can't see myself with any one person for the rest of my life.

I'm not saying that I definitely didn't love her. I just don't know for sure. Maybe I did (or still do), but a different kind of love. I don't understand love at all.

Also, I can't really just call her up and tell her anything like that, because it would seem so out of place.

She's now dating a former friend, who is an absolute jerk to her, and probably cheating on her (he cheats on all his girlfriends).

Our last times seeing each other didn't go over so well. I'm extremely pissed off at both of them. At her for being so stupid and naive and going for this guy when she knew of his reputation. And him for putting her through all this bullshit.

Maybe that's why I miss her. I feel bad for her. Or I want to at least be on good terms with her. But I just can't do it.

Sometimes when I smell a certain shampoo, I immediately think about the first girl I loved, and it pisses me off.

Bitch.

Yeah, I'm a little bitter.