Ahh, my good friends of Totse! It has been a long time since I have posted, but I have a very interesting problem.

Okay, so I've known this girl for about 3 weeks now. We are both freshmen in college. We have seen each other almost everyday since we have met, and at least 4 nights so far we have spent time together from around 10:30pm to at least 4:00am. I won't be describing all of the times we have spent time together, only the important ones.

The very first time we spent together was for lunch. It was slightly awkward, as is generally expected for the first time hanging out. We ate at a local fast food restaurant, and then I suggested we go drive go-karts at one of the nearby hotels. She seemed really into it, so we left to head over there. On the freeway, the only exit that leads directly to the hotel was blocked for construction, so we had to get off at the next exit, and it was very confusing to attempt to find our way to the hotel. We kept going down streets that changed directions, and most of the time we were travelling the opposite way. So, we were lost for the most part, but we were really having fun just chatting together. It turns out the go-karts were closed, but we still had a great time.

The first long night we had together was when we went to go get coffee at a Starbucks. It was around 11:30pm and I was supposed to study for a test, but I said I needed some caffeine to stay up longer and asked if she wanted to come with me. She gladly said yes and I went and picked her up. We got our coffee, but we didn't want to just sit around and drink it. Remembering the fun we had when we were driving, we decided to go drive around until we didn't know where we were (this is important because it becomes a very common occurance with us and is one of our "things" we do together). Another thing I should add is that she likes to play "car games" like sex (for those of you who are confused, whenever you see a broken headlight on a car, you have to touch the ceiling of the car, and the last person to touch it takes off an article of clothing). So, when we are driving at night we always play sex. We never really get past underwear, so it's mostly just a fun thing and not really sexual. So, we ended up having another great night of talking to each other as we drove around for about an hour. Finally, we decided to go back to her dorm. She didn't want to go back to into her room yet because she hates her roomate, so we sat outside of her door until 3:00am. It was another great talk and we were really having fun getting to know each other.

The next long night we had, we decided to get coffee again. This time we drove around for a good 2 hours, just talking about everything and nothing (playing sex again, of course). This time we did get on the topic of sex and similar things (when the last time was that we did stuff, etc.). After about 3 hours of driving around the whole city, we eventually decided it was time to go to bed. So, I dropped her off and left. Keep in mind, this whole time we have never kissed or anything.

The 3rd night we hung out, we got slurpees instead. I'm in the process of getting an apartment, so I wanted to drive by where it was so she could see it. This was around 11:00pm. After we found it, I mentioned it was by a river. She wanted to go see it, so we went drove down by the river and got our of the car. We talked for awhile as usual. She mentioned she was really ticklish and then she said she regretted telling me because it's her biggest weakness. I told her I was really ticklish too, so we ended up having a tickle fight (lol). We were just having a great time, and this went on for about 30 minutes. When we were really close together, trying to tickle each other, I decided to move in for the first kiss. She didn't move, and it happened. We kissed for a little bit, but I could instantly tell that something was wrong because, while she was kissing me back, she wasn't really making an effort. Almost like she was holding herself back for some reason. I backed off a little bit and noticed that she was on the verge of tears. She said "I have a confession to make, I'm really scared of relationships right now." I asked why, and she said "I've been hurt really bad." I asked her if it was too soon, and she said yes. I said okay, and suggested that I take her home. She said okay, and we left. She was being very quiet on the ride back, but I tried to find out what exactly was wrong. She said "I can't be involved right now... with you." After realizing what she said, I asked "Is there somebody else?" She said "Sort of." I asked "Here?" She said "Yes." I asked "Are you guys together?" And she said "I don't really know what we are right now." I didn't try to push the issue any further.

In between hanging out, we text and talk to each other on AIM a lot. This is where we have had most of our serious conversations. Basically, she told me how she likes me so much and has so much fun with me and how she is scared of losing me. I asked "Losing me?", and she replied "Yeah, I don't want to hurt you or lose you as a friend." She tells me all the time how amazing I am, and that she's never met anybody like me. I finally straight up asked her "Do you have feelings for me?", and she said "Yes, but I'm involved with somebody right now and I don't know what's going on right now. That's why I don't want to get involved with you too, because I don't want you to get hurt, because that's unfair to you."

I won't lie, I was hurt for awhile after that. But, I decided to get on with my life and didn't want to sacrifice our friendship over it. So the very same night, I asked her if she wanted to go get coffee. She said okay, and I went and picked her up. We got some coffee, and did our usual driving around and playing sex (not really important, but this time we both got down to underwear). So after only about 30 minutes of driving, she told me she wanted to go to where I lived, because my neighborhood is a high elevation and you get a great view from the city. I asked her why, and she said that she "has a lot of fun when we are just parked and talk for a long time." I didn't really give it another thought, and said "Okay". We got all the way up there and found a nice remote spot where nobody could see us and there were no streetlights or anything for miles around. We got out of the car and she was amazed at how many stars could be seen. We sat on my trunk and just looked at stars, trying to pick out constellations and even saw a few shooting stars together. She said "I'm cold.", and I replied "I would put my arm around you to keep you warm, but I forgot you're taken." She said (in a playful way) "Oh, shut up! I'm not taken. We're not dating!" and then grabbed my arm and put it around her and put her head against my chest. We sat there for awhile looking around, until we eventually kissed again. This time I could tell she wanted to as much as I did (we have never actually french-kissed, just lips touching). And, after about 20-30 seconds, we stopped kissing. We sat there for a little while longer, and finally decided it was too cold outside, and we sat in my car. She asked if my backseat was comfortable and jumped back there. I joined her. We sat there doing our usual talking again, and suddenly she started a tickle war between us again (lol). This time we were very touchy feely and when we were close I kissed her again. She started using tongue, and of course, I didn't object. We did this for a long time, switching off between tickling each other and making out. A lot of times she had her head in my lap and I was just kicking her ass at tickling. During these times, we kissed a lot. All of the sudden, she got weird and guilty again, and started holding herself back from kissing. I asked her what was wrong, and she said "I want things to go this far with you, but at the same time, I don't. I don't want to hurt you." And I said "You don't know that you'll hurt me." We just sat there silent for awhile, staring each other down. It was a very depressing atmosphere for both of us. Then, all of the sudden, I started smiling a lot. She kept asking why I was smiling, and I just started laughing. She started smiling again, and kept asking me why I was laughing. I finally said "I'm thinking about how much fun we both have together." She said "I know! I have a blast with you!" And so, we resumed our cycle of tickle war and kissing. Eventually, we decided it was getting too late and I took her home.

Just today I took her to lunch. And her "other guy" called her right when we were in the middle of lunch. Naturally, I wasn't very happy about this. She was talking to him for about 5 minutes and finally broke it off. For about 5 minutes, I was very angry. I didn't say anything, but I wasn't having fun anymore. And she asked me why I wasn't talking, pretending like nothing had happened. I said "Well, I WAS having fun until your boyfriend fucking called." She said "I told you, he's not my boyfriend.", and I said "Well, then I'm confused." She said "I told you I was involved with somebody else. This is why I didn't want things to go far with you, because I really like you a lot and I knew they would get this far." And I said "So what's the problem? Is he your first choice?" and she said "I've known him longer..." (She's actually only known him for about a week longer than me.) So, now I've been quiet for awhile, and she still goes on acting like nothing happened. We both finish eating, and I start to drive her home. As soon as we get there, the other guy calls her and she says "Yeah, I'm almost there. I'll meet you." And I'm standing here thinking "How can she do that shit right in front of me?" I said to her "Are you meeting him?" and she said "Yes" so I said "I'll just see you later then." She says "Okay", we hug, and then go our separate ways.

Later today she IMed me saying "Hey, I just saw you on and wanted to tell you thanks again for lunch! But I gotta go now, so I'll talk to you later! Bye!"

Now, for those of you who actually read the whole post, what do you think? She keeps telling me how hot and amazing I am, and how she loves hanging out with me so much, but then she says she is involved with somebody else even though she "doesn't know what they are."

I've been thinking about it, and I've decided to have another great night with her. And then afterwards, just straight up say to her "Look, you're such an awesome girl and we have so much fun hanging out together, but you seriously need to just choose, because everything seems up in the air right now."

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Edit: Summary

I've known this girl for 3 weeks. We both really like each other, but she says she's involved with somebody else. We hang out a lot in the middle of the night for 4+ hours straight. She keeps telling me how much she likes me and how amazing and hot I am, but she keeps saying she's involved with somebody else. In her words "I don't know what we are right now." We have made out a lot, but sometimes she feels guilty. She says she likes me so much but she doesnt want to hurt me or lose me as a friend. Then we usually start making out again. One day I just asked her "Is he your first pick or something?" and she replied "Well, I've known him longer...", even though she's only know him for about a week longer than me.

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Okay, now that I'm done with the storytelling. Any suggestions?

[This message has been edited by TheHammer (edited 09-29-2006).]

I suggest you post a summary. God damn thats long.

Well, I think she's leading you on far too much. I believe you have a right to be angry with her.

I personally think you should stop hanging out with her. You've made you decision, now it's her turn to make hers. You're growing more and more attracted to her each time you two hang out. This isn't fair to you. She needs to decide whether she wants to be with you or thta other guy because you can't take it.

She said that she didn't want to hurt you, but she did keep leading you on. I think she'd be stupid to pass up a guy like you for her, she probably will choose you.

For the mean time, you just need to back off. Not only is she hurting you, you're hurting yourself. Just stay confident about it. She sounds like she's a bit immature. Just with that last paragraph. Talking that guy right in front of you, not one bit of empathy.

I really hope this works out for you. If it doesn't I'm terribly sorry. College is good for relationships. Don't limmit your dating to just her. There's thousands of new and interesting people, she's not the only one.

Yeah, that sounds about right. You must tell her that she has to choose, and give her an ultimatum of at least one week. I suggest that during the week you don't physically have contact- as tempting as it may be!- but calling and texting would be ok to see how she's 'progressing' with this. If after a week she chooses him, then you have to accept that it was just a spur-of-the-moment-horomones thing, and get on with your life and value the memories you had. If she chooses you then bravo!

If she chooses him, then later breaks it off and comes back to you then that'll be a toughie. I'd personally hold a grudge. Yeah, but deal with the first situation for now...

Good luck

Think what she might do if she gets bored with you?

I s'pose if she is better then that, just tell her how you feel. If you can handle remaining friends, then go for it... but... all that sexual tension has to go.

(Then again, there's always the "let's piss off the other guy so I can have her all for myself" plan.)

Thanks a lot for all the replies, guys. I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I can do it. I like her so much, but I know that she's leading me on. Please, any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

i "learned" in a thread i made (a few days ago) that when a girl says "she doesnt want a relationship right now or isnt into dating right now" that it means she hates you and has no interest. right lauren/garfunkle/silent mind/mindlesszygzian?

[This message has been edited by Myron Mujadi (edited 09-29-2006).]

It seems like she's just after a bit of a fling with you, but she also seems incredibly indecisive. You need to tell her that you're not prepared to be sharing her with some other guy and it's either all you or not at all.

You need to set your game rules, because otherwise she'll just walk all over you simply because you're accepting. I could imagine your circumstances though. I guess she just needs to mature up a little.

Errg... You frustrate me so much Myron, It doesn't mean she hates you, it just means she's not up for it, just needs a break from a relationship. But hey, Sex is a Joke right? So it shouldn't matter if it's just all fun and games, eh?

[This message has been edited by Mindless Xyzzyean (edited 09-29-2006).]

Oh my god are you ever whipped...and you're not even going out with her. You chauffeur her around while she plans to meet up with some other guy. Then you go all quiet and angry like a sad little boy...and hug her when she leaves!

I say tell this woman to GTFO. I know you won't though. you'll continue playing this lame grabass sensitive guy game, and at the end of it you'll either get hurt or have this unfaithful flakey bitch who has you by the balls.

Good luck!

quote:Originally posted by rabbitweed:

Oh my god are you ever whipped...and you're not even going out with her. You chauffeur her around while she plans to meet up with some other guy. Then you go all quiet and angry like a sad little boy...and hug her when she leaves!

I say tell this woman to GTFO. I know you won't though. you'll continue playing this lame grabass sensitive guy game, and at the end of it you'll either get hurt or have this unfaithful flakey bitch who has you by the balls.

Good luck!

Damn, and the worse part is that I know that every word of what you say is right. I know I've been a wuss about this whole thing, which is why I've come here for help. I'm trying to salvage what I can, while proving to her that I'm not going to be walked all over.

It's simple. She likes you, and she likes this other guy, and she really doesn't want to have to choose, so she's trying to have you both. Just tell her straight up that she needs to choose - this other guy, or you. not both.

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

Ahh, my good friends of Totse! It has been a long time since I have posted, but I have a very interesting problem."



ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzZzzz....

too long...

well dude, it seems like she likes you, but shes very confusing, i dont understand how she says shes involved when you know for fact she likes you, pretty werid , i dont got much advice except for good luck man , hope it all works out for you

cheers

Viper

that was an interesting read. she's a very passive girl. even if she were to choose you, you'd have the problem of her going out on "non-dates" with other guys and not being able to set boundaries with them. the tricky thing is that's part of her personality, and comes with the package. and it seems as though you like the rest of the package.

it also would be a good idea to ask her about the time she was hurt. being dumped for another girl and being slapped around by an abusive guy are very different things. it would be important to know.

you need to set your own boundaries with her, because she doesn't know how to set hers. she's passive. let's say hypothetically that this is the only pattern of behavior she will do. what can you put up with? are you okay with hanging out with her as just as friend, or do you need more? think about what you're okay with in terms of her behavior at this point (assuming it remains unchanged) and clearly define your boundaries. however, it is unnecessary to give an "ultimateum."

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

that was an interesting read. she's a very passive girl. even if she were to choose you, you'd have the problem of her going out on "non-dates" with other guys and not being able to set boundaries with them. the tricky thing is that's part of her personality, and comes with the package. and it seems as though you like the rest of the package.

it also would be a good idea to ask her about the time she was hurt. being dumped for another girl and being slapped around by an abusive guy are very different things. it would be important to know.

you need to set your own boundaries with her, because she doesn't know how to set hers. she's passive. let's say hypothetically that this is the only pattern of behavior she will do. what can you put up with? are you okay with hanging out with her as just as friend, or do you need more? think about what you're okay with in terms of her behavior at this point (assuming it remains unchanged) and clearly define your boundaries. however, it is unnecessary to give an "ultimateum."

Most helpful reply yet! Thanks a lot lauren. So you think I should just tell her that she needs to choose, and I can't be just friends with her?

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

Most helpful reply yet! Thanks a lot lauren. So you think I should just tell her that she needs to choose, and I can't be just friends with her?

you're welcome . only if that's really how you feel. would you be okay with being just friends with her? would you be okay with never seeing her again? would you be okay with having her choose you and then having to deal with her passivity when other guys come into play again (and they will)?

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

you're welcome . only if that's really how you feel. would you be okay with being just friends with her? would you be okay with never seeing her again? would you be okay with having her choose you and then having to deal with her passivity when other guys come into play again (and they will)?

I don't really know. I don't think I would okay with being just friends with her if she was going out with the other guy. And I definitely wouldn't be okay with never seeing her again. I'm not quite sure what you mean by her being "passive".

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

I don't really know. I don't think I would okay with being just friends with her if she was going out with the other guy. And I definitely wouldn't be okay with never seeing her again. I'm not quite sure what you mean by her being "passive".

then act accordingly. tell her (and show her) that you don't want to see her anymore (in her current mode of behavior). if she asks why, say her behavior was unacceptable to you, and if she asks explain why. don't be wishy washy. state your feelings clearly and succinctly, and stand your ground. at the same time, be receptive to what she has to say, because it may influence your opinion of her.

what will most likely happen is she will not choose you.

and i meant she was passive because she doesn't seem to have a clear idea of what she wants. she is just being pulled around like a puppet by 2 guys who both want her, and she has no regard for their feelings or hers.

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

then act accordingly. tell her (and show her) that you don't want to see her anymore (in her current mode of behavior). if she asks why, say her behavior was unacceptable to you, and if she asks explain why. don't be wishy washy. state your feelings clearly and succinctly, and stand your ground. at the same time, be receptive to what she has to say, because it may influence your opinion of her.

I can't just tell her that I don't want to see her again. I want to just tell her to make up her mind and choose somebody. I just can't tell her that because I don't want her to not choose me.

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

what will most likely happen is she will not choose you.

Ouch, how do you figure?

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

Ouch, how do you figure?

i think she won't choose you because she doesn't have the backbone or ability right now to do what you're asking of her, which is stop seeing the other guy.

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

i think she won't choose you because she doesn't have the backbone or ability right now to do what you're asking of her, which is stop seeing the other guy.

Then I have no idea what to do. I've never felt this way about anybody, and I can't deal with never seeing her again. Or worse, seeing her with some other guy. Is there some way I can just try to wait until she DOES have the backbone/ability? I really don't want to ask her to choose because I'm a wuss. It would be my last resort...

Just out of curiosity what school are you attending?

University of Nevada, Reno

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

Then I have no idea what to do. I've never felt this way about anybody, and I can't deal with never seeing her again. Or worse, seeing her with some other guy. Is there some way I can just try to wait until she DOES have the backbone/ability? I really don't want to ask her to choose because I'm a wuss. It would be my last resort...

k, glad we cleared that up. so an ultimateum is NOT the way to go, because you wouldn't be able to fulfill its conditions. why don't you just tell her you want her to choose, and that you're becoming increasingly frustrated with her passivity and wishy-washiness.

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

I really don't want to ask her to choose because I'm a wuss. It would be my last resort...

Well it's also your first resort because there aren't any others. Dude trust me, girls don't want a wuss, they want a guy with a spine, grow one. Man up and let her know how you feel. Otherwise you are going to stay in this state of limbo with her, sharing her with this other guy until he decides to claim her. She doesn't know who she wants it seems, but she can't have both of you, you know what you want you're just affriad to take it.

She might not choose you, if she doesn't it's because she's not ready to choose at all though. And if that's the case then you really don't want to be involved with her anyway, friends sure, but nothing more.

EDIT: And don't forget to give us an update!

[This message has been edited by Cloaked Dagger (edited 09-29-2006).]

I was wondering because what you wrote is describing a girl I know in Florida and a very similar situation. The game you two play, what she is telling you and the whole other guy situation is almost a mirror of what I went through earlier in the year. Kinda scary.

Anyway, I know exactly were you are coming from on this one. In the end I had to make a decision because she couldn't make up her mind. I wanted more, and she kept telling me the same, but her actions didn't. So I decided to keep everything as friends. It sucked for a while, but she ended up becoming a really good friend and an important part of my life.

Well, good luck to you with your problem.

haha you fucking emo. What kind of guy has tickle wars and "play" sex without actually banging the chick. You got her naked like 5 times and didn't get it in, you fail. See that's your problem, you're weak. Basically it breaks down to this, you're friends material, you amuse her so she wants to keep you around, for the attention. As far as gf/bf goes, shes not interested...it'll never ever happen. I bet her bf's an asshole and doesn't have to "have long conversations" with her, he just bangs her and kicks her out. That's a real dude.

quote:Originally posted by Slashdot:

haha you fucking emo. What kind of guy has tickle wars and "play" sex without actually banging the chick. You got her naked like 5 times and didn't get it in, you fail. See that's your problem, you're weak. Basically it breaks down to this, you're friends material, you amuse her so she wants to keep you around, for the attention. As far as gf/bf goes, shes not interested...it'll never ever happen. I bet her bf's an asshole and doesn't have to "have long conversations" with her, he just bangs her and kicks her out. That's a real dude.

don't listen to this. i don't understand why this viewpoint is so prevalent on this board! it's not true!

her bf probably has her bent over right *now taking it in the ass, hahah. How's that make you feel emo? About time for some cuttin huh?

quote:Originally posted by Slashdot:

her bf probably has her bent over right *now taking it in the ass, hahah. How's that make you feel emo? About time for some cuttin huh?

you sound like a 3rd grade bully.

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

you sound like a 3rd grade bully.

and you sound like another emo.



emo

quote:Originally posted by Slashdot:

haha you fucking emo. What kind of guy has tickle wars and "play" sex without actually banging the chick. You got her naked like 5 times and didn't get it in, you fail. See that's your problem, you're weak. Basically it breaks down to this, you're friends material, you amuse her so she wants to keep you around, for the attention. As far as gf/bf goes, shes not interested...it'll never ever happen. I bet her bf's an asshole and doesn't have to "have long conversations" with her, he just bangs her and kicks her out. That's a real dude.



Your e-penis must be huge.

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

don't listen to this. i don't understand why this viewpoint is so prevalent on this board! it's not true!

Lauren, the sad fact is that it's often true in younger relationships. Insecure boys playing with insecure girls; when they're done playing they both go back to their comfort zones to sulk about eachother's childish behavior instead of fixing their own. It changes as people mature though.

dude i know how you feel, ive been in a very similar spot for quite sometime, up until yesterday when i told her i was tired of her bullshit and to fuckoff honestly speaking, i think you really need to have her get her priorities straight.

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

Lauren, the sad fact is that it's often true in younger relationships. Insecure boys playing with insecure girls; when they're done playing they both go back to their comfort zones to sulk about eachother's childish behavior instead of fixing their own. It changes as people mature though.



Ofcourse its true, I said it. You get +rep though for recognizing.

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

Lauren, the sad fact is that it's often true in younger relationships. Insecure boys playing with insecure girls; when they're done playing they both go back to their comfort zones to sulk about eachother's childish behavior instead of fixing their own. It changes as people mature though.



i know, i know. i just don't know the ages of the people posting those opinions.

OP, just read.

de ja vu. I'm sure everyone's been lead on. Give her an ultimatum. I know it sounds tough, and it might sound like a bad idea, but hear me out and trust me, simple say, "me or him". If she says him, she wasn't fucking worth your time in the first place. If she says you, you've won yourself a lady.

it's funny, i give this advice and realise that if it were me I wouldn't be following it myself, I'd be being a whiny pussy. I live vicariously through &totse. Christ.. that's depressing. I shouldv'e had more lunch beers.

quote:Originally posted by Myron Mujadi:

i "learned" in a thread i made (a few days ago) that when a girl says "she doesnt want a relationship right now or isnt into dating right now" that it means she hates you and has no interest. right lauren/garfunkle/silent mind/mindlesszygzian?





why bring that shit here dude? Not worth it at all. And that's not what any of us were saying and you fucking know it.

Hmm, well at least a lot of the advice is helpful (for the most part). Do you think it should be the first thing we talk about? Or should things kind of lead into it like they have been?

i dunno, maybe message/call her saying, "We need to talk", and then just saying, "look, I'm really into you but I can't do this whole on again, off again, you being involved with someone else bullshit anymore. I like you, and I'm pretty sure you like me as well, so you're going to have to take your pick, him or me?"

^ something like that.

keep in mind, she may very well choose him over you, but you're going to have to square with that one way or the other, at least this way you do it on your terms.

The other thing you have to square with is that if she chooses him after all the shit you and her went through, she sure as fuck wasn't worth it in the first place.

quote:Originally posted by Slashdot:



Ofcourse its true, I said it. You get +rep though for recognizing.



Try applying your skills to a woman and see how long it is before your testicles are up in your intestines.

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:



Try applying your skills to a woman and see how long it is before your testicles are up in your intestines.

the last chick I met and showed her what the lvl of my skillz like I was making out with her within 10 minutes. I also ended up banging her later that day(fuckin rocked), and yes she was a hotty. Chicks don't like emos, they like *real dudes. Emotions, feelings and all that fairy shit is a no no. Otherwise they might as well date another chick.You get my point son? Is the picture getting clearer yet? My advice to you is know your role, and go handle your business.

[This message has been edited by Slashdot (edited 09-29-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by Slashdot:

the last chick I met and showed her what the lvl of skillz like I was making out with her within 10 minutes. I also ended up banging her later that day(fuckin rocked), and yes she was a hotty. Chicks don't like emos, they like *real dudes. Emotions, feelings and all that fairy shit is a no no. Otherwise they might as well date another chick.You get my point son? Is the picture getting clearer? My advice to you is know your role, and go handle your business.

Damn dude, you're a jackass! It's funny shit though.

On a more serious note, I think I'm slowly falling into the friends category. At least that's where she wants me to be, if she didn't like me so much... I've been taking some preventative measures such as being very flirty with her, which leads to making out. But, I'm not sure how long it will last. I must keep myself out of that category at all costs!

NO MORE OF THIS SHIT!

Tell her to make a fucking decision and DON'T spend the next months wondering what might be. Find out right away!!!

quote:Originally posted by Garfunkel:

NO MORE OF THIS SHIT!

Tell her to make a fucking decision and DON'T spend the next months wondering what might be. Find out right away!!!



That, my good sir, is what I intend to do! I know I need to just be a man and tell her straight up to choose somebody, because I'm not being fucking used.

quote:Originally posted by Slashdot:

the last chick I met and showed her what the lvl of my skillz like I was making out with her within 10 minutes. I also ended up banging her later that day(fuckin rocked), and yes she was a hotty. Chicks don't like emos, they like *real dudes. Emotions, feelings and all that fairy shit is a no no. Otherwise they might as well date another chick.You get my point son? Is the picture getting clearer yet? My advice to you is know your role, and go handle your business.



Really man, quit yapping about kids' games. Women want a man, yes...but you fail to understand what a man really is.

Don't tell her she has to choose, see her as normal but be distant and bored as though she is beneath your attention.

And fuck someone else even a prostitute would help clear your head.

No ultimatums she isn't capable of making a decision.

Don't tell her she has to choose, see her as normally but be distant and bored as though she is beneath your attention.

Contrive a situation where the momentum will lead to sex.

I agree with the person who insulted you. If she was removing her clothes and playing 'sex' you should have hopped her.

I don't think you should go out with her. This behaviour is not appropriate.

I actually read the whole thing, I'm inexperienced, but I've experienced enough that you HAVE TO make an ultimatum with this girl.

Make her choose, make a decision, because if you just keep floating around it, you will only become more attached as time goes on when you wonder and wonder. Being attached to a person that doesn't like you as much as you like them hurts. I know so because that's what happened to me this summer. Hardest thing about all this, I'm all talk right now, but it's you who has to actually do something about it. If she chooses you, lay down some terms, like no seeing the other guy anymore, don't be "scared" about it, because she will try shit.

I don't suggest staying friends if she picks that other guy, because then you become backup. "I can fuck up with this guy, and I'll still have another guy to like me" Your feelings for her will not go away overnight, so if she says no, then learn to stay away till you calm down, even if you want to be friends. From the way you type, you are obviously very emotionally charged at the moment. But emotions don't always make the best decisions.

That's all I have to say, not the most positive thing to say, I'm still recovering from it. This is my 2 cent to you, my whole summer of three months compacted into a nice paragraph.

Agreed with the maority here, make her choose, but give her a bit of time for it, sudden decisions don't go well.

She really seems indecisive, somewhat unable to make her own choices like that (think of how the other guy is thinking, unless he doesn't know about you at all), etc. Ask her to choose, this can't keep going the way it is, she says she doesn't want to hurt you but she doing just that in trying to avoid it.

I'll say that if you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot that you don't.

Thanks a lot for everything guys. I'm going to talk to her today, but I don't know how it's going to go. I'm just going to tell her she needs to think about what she really wants, and that I don't think I could be just friends with her, especially if she was with another guy. If I have to sacrifice our friendship, then so be it. If she can't choose, then I'll choose for her. Expect an update later tonight. Wish me luck...

Well, I did what I expected, and wussed out. I didn't talk to her in person, but we sent texts just like usual and pretended like nothing went on. She seems to be getting more distant though, and less eager to talk to me. I know it's just going to go downhill from here, and I know I need to just tell her the truth about how I feel about the whole thing. I asked her if she wanted to hang out tonight, and she said maybe.

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

Well, I did what I expected, and wussed out. I didn't talk to her in person, but we sent texts just like usual and pretended like nothing went on. She seems to be getting more distant though, and less eager to talk to me. I know it's just going to go downhill from here, and I know I need to just tell her the truth about how I feel about the whole thing. I asked her if she wanted to hang out tonight, and she said maybe.



Ok, i read your whole original post, and everyone elses replies, which i RARELY do.

Now i'm not gonan give you advice on the original issue cause you've already gotten enough of that and i nothing i say will really influence it much.

But i'll give you advice on her saying "maybe" to hanging out.

Hopefully she'll contact you back, and say yes, now i KNOW it will be difficult, but god fucking damnit boy just suck it up for ONE night, and say no.

And you don't have to say it in a mean way so that she might not talk to you again, just be casual like "oh, i'm really sorry like, but seen as you didn't make a decision earlier i made other plans, i figured it wasn't worth wasting my night being alone if it turned out you said no, (if you're feeling brave you could add that figured she would say no due to her being more distant recently) and so i made other plans. Maybe some other time though if you wanna hang out?"

You NEED to distance yourself a little or you will definately lose her. At the moment she's all enjoying the other guy, and she knows that ANY time she wants, you'll be right there on the sideline, like an extra option. You have to make her see that you're NOT always going to be there, waiting around, and that if she wants you, she's going to have to decide and choose you.

You don't have to ask her to choose, but if you make yourself known that you're not always going to be there when her other guy ain't around, then she'll choose, whether it be you, or him.

I mean i hope it's you. Sounds like you have a nice lil thing going there.

But also like i think Lauren was trying to touch on. Is if she did choose you, and you were together, would she do the same thing with another guy, spend time with him, make out with him, and just tell him that she can't date him cause she's "involved with but not dating someone else" i mean what the fuck is that anyway. Oh i can't go any further with you. I'm not dating him, but we're involved.

She's dating him. It's that simple. She just doesn't want to officially admit that to herself and to you, because then you wouldn't be an option when she needs you.

Anyway hope that makes sense and good luck.

Okay, so today we hardly talked at all, and she later IMed me saying "I need to talk to you later, okay? Bye."

This is obviously the end of things between us. So I want to make sure it ends on my terms, and not hers.

This is what I've narrowed it down to:

"Hey, I wanted to tell to you this in person but I guess this will have to do. I was hoping it wouldn't come down to this, but I have no other options. Look, you're an awesome girl and we've been having a lot of fun together, but you seriously need to sit down and decide what you want. Everything is up in the air right now. You can't have us both, and I can't be *just* friends with you. Not if you're with somebody else. I was hoping this was going to work itself out, but you can't seem to decide things for yourself. The truth is you're dating him, you just don't want to to officially admit it to yourself and to me, because then I wouldn't be an extra option when you need me. So, if you end up choosing him, don't expect me to be there for you, because I'm not here to be your back-up."

Sound good?

actually, i think it's a form of denial to do things that way. try to accept that you wanted more than she was willing to give. i might just be pessimistic, but it sounds like she really does have another guy that she's chosen now. i think you should try to just be friends with her, if you can handle it.

Sounds great to me buddy. But expect the wildcard. She may want to talk to you and say she really wants to spend the night with you or something or other, i don't know.

Just expect it so you're not caught off guard, and if so you really need to just say the same thing.

But seriously good luck whatever happens.

Would be nice to find out what does happen if you feel like letting us/me know so yeah. Good luck.

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

University of Nevada, Reno

sorry, this is going to be slightly off topic...

but HEY! Another Reno totsean!

yep, just thought that was cool.

*cough*

Should I let her talk first then and risk the chance of her cutting me down where I stand? Or I should possibly counter-act and speak first?

[This message has been edited by TheHammer (edited 09-30-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

Should I let her talk first then and risk the chance of her cutting me down where I stand? Or I should possibly counter-act and speak first?





Hmm. Toughie. Well no, i was about to say that's though, cause if she goes first she could cut into like shit and leave you with no leg to stand on and probally not let you get a word in anyway, and if you do think you're retalliating (sp?). But if you go first and say it she could have been about to not cut into you. But even if that was the case, what you need to say needs to be either way.

So i'd try and say like " no, just let me say something first, it needs to be said" i dont know, you come with that whichever way seems best in the situation.

Or if it's gonna be online, write it pre-prepared, copy and paste it as soon as you start the talk.

Well, I finally did it. Over AIM, no less. It turns out that what she meant by she wants to talk to me later, meant she wanted to know what I wanted to talk to her about earlier.

She signed on AIM, and asked what I wanted to say. I told her I was calling her, because I didn't want to say it over AIM.

I called, she picked up, and I recited my phrase:

"Hey, I wanted to tell to you this in person but I guess this will have to do. I was hoping it wouldn't come down to this, but I have no other options. Look, you're an awesome girl and we've been having a lot of fun together, but you seriously need to sit down and decide what you want. Everything is up in the air right now. You can't have us both. I was hoping this was going to work itself out, but I guess not.The truth is you're dating him, you just don't want to to officially admit it to yourself and to me, because then I wouldn't be an extra option when you need me. So, if you end up choosing him, don't expect me to be there for you, because I'm not here to be your back-up."

After saying it, I hung up. This is our conversation right after I told her.

[19:06] her: ok

[19:07] her: gimme some time to figure myself out. this isn't a good weekend for me since my parents will be here, but when they are gone we will go talk ok?

[19:08] me: yeah, thatd probably be good'

[19:08] her: ok

[19:08] her: and let me tell you right off the bat taht the most important thing to me is being friends with you ok?

[19:08] her: i don't want ANYTHING to get in the way of that

[19:08] me: i dont know what it would be like

[19:09] me: being friends with you while youre with somebody else

[19:09] me: i know you would act different and i wouldnt ever want you to change

[19:10] her: i know myself and i would be no different. i don't change myself.

[19:11] me: i just dont know...

[19:12] me: i dont see myself as being just friends with you

[19:12] her: we will talk more in person, because this is so weird over aim

[19:12] her: lol

[19:12] me: it'll be even weirder when you see the stupid looks i'll make

[19:13] her: lmao

[19:14] me: i cant be just friends with you

[19:15] me: i like you a lot, and you like me a lot, and i just cant see things being any other way

[19:17] me: i just wanted to let you know my feelings on the whole situation

[19:17] me: how it ends is up to you

[19:17] her: ok

[19:18] me: call me if you figure it out

(I signed off after the last message)

Any ideas? I would be happy to know how I handled the situation. Good and bad critism is welcome.

I think you did very well.

She tried changing the mood/topic when she was all with the 'lol's and the 'lmao's but you stood firm and told her exactly how you feel.

Now she can only but tell you how it's gonna be when she decides. She knows now that it's either him or you, and personally i don't understand her motives. She's known him longer than you? So fucking what?

That's like saying, Oh well i saw this dress in Macy's i liked, but then i saw this other dress in JC Penny that was WAY nicer, but i saw the other dress first so i guess i'll have to buy that one. It's crap mentality and if that's the truth behind her choices then, well, i don't wanna diss her cause you really like her but it doesn't say too much about her does it.

But yeah i guess now you just gotta wait and hope/see.

I know it won't be easy but things wouldn't have gone very well if you didn't say how you felt. Just see how it goes man.

i think you handled it great, honestly i do! i think you were honest about your feelings, pretty clear about your boundaries, and at the same time not an ass.

good work mate. seriously. there was no other way you could've handled it without spending months getting hurt.

Seriously, you did better than I would have.

Once again, we are talking on AIM. And once again, she acts like nothing happened. I don't get her sometimes. She does bitchy shit and acts like nothing is wrong, then I try to be serious with her and tell her to figure things out, but she still acts like everything is all perfect. I'm trying to distance myself from her to make use of the whole supply/demand idea. Hopefully she realizes I don't have unlimited time, and she'd be happy to be a part of it.

Anyways, there is some good news. I think I've finally pinned down the problem. She told me when we first met, but I didn't really absorb it until now.

She can't be alone.

I don't mean relationship-wise, but social-wise. She told me herself that she doesn't like being by herself; she always has to have somebody to hang out with. So hopefully, in distancing myself, she will realize how much she wants to spend time with me.

you need to realize that you cannot and should not have a real relationship with this girl. you have to realize she's a slut and that she has other boyfriends and just not worry about it at all, and take what you can get. you obviously have lots of fun with her although it sounds like shes being kind of prude or maybe you're just not trying hard enough.

quote:Originally posted by TheHammer:

Once again, we are talking on AIM. And once again, she acts like nothing happened. I don't get her sometimes. She does bitchy shit and acts like nothing is wrong, then I try to be serious with her and tell her to figure things out, but she still acts like everything is all perfect. I'm trying to distance myself from her to make use of the whole supply/demand idea. Hopefully she realizes I don't have unlimited time, and she'd be happy to be a part of it.

Anyways, there is some good news. I think I've finally pinned down the problem. She told me when we first met, but I didn't really absorb it until now.

She can't be alone.

I don't mean relationship-wise, but social-wise. She told me herself that she doesn't like being by herself; she always has to have somebody to hang out with. So hopefully, in distancing myself, she will realize how much she wants to spend time with me.

i don't want to get into economics too much, ok, but you don't have a real understanding of supply and demand. shifting your supply curve up won't shift her demand curve, though it will raise the price and lower the quantity demanded...IF you had a monopoly on the market of males. but you are only one part of the supply curve of males, and in a purely competitive market one supplier can't influence the price/quantity demanded. so let's stick to social psychology, ok?

quote:Originally posted by lauren7249:

i don't want to get into economics too much, ok, but you don't have a real understanding of supply and demand. shifting your supply curve up won't shift her demand curve, though it will raise the price and lower the quantity demanded...IF you had a monopoly on the market of males. but you are only one part of the supply curve of males, and in a purely competitive market one supplier can't influence the price/quantity demanded. so let's stick to social psychology, ok?

Haha, you know what I meant. I just couldn't think of anything better to explain it at that particular moment. What I meant was, in detaching myself from her, she would realize that I don't have unlimited time to spend on her, and if she likes me a lot I would be able to tell when she keeps trying to hang out with me.

So far, she acts like nothing happened. She still IMs and texts me, but I try to keep them short. The next time she does it, I'm just going to say "Have you chosen yet?" and if she says "No", I'll just say "Well, then we probably shouldn't be talking."

i'd say make her choose. if she can't, stop having these little escapades with her. maybe that'll show her what she actually wants.

Well, tonight was a very interesting night for me and the girl. I had another conversation with her, but this time I had to be a jackass about it because she can't take shit seriously.

Here's our conversation:

[20:46] me: we probably shouldnt be talking then

[20:46] her: oh my god are you serious?

[20:47] me: i was serious when i told you what the deal was

[20:47] her: i know you were

[20:47] me: you dont act like it

[20:47] her: what do you mean?

[20:48] me: you just act like the whole thing never happened

[20:50] her: that's not true. when my emotions get to be too much for me, i get closed up and i bottle them in. if that's what you mean...

[20:50] me: thats not what i mean

[20:50] her: then what do you mean

[20:51] me: i mean we have a serious talk about something, and then the next day you act like it never happened and that everything is perfect

[20:53] her: because i don't want ANYTHING to get inbetween us. i don't let things get awkward. of course i take the things that you say seriously, but i don't let it get in the way of just having fun with you

[20:56] me: funny how things manage to get in between us anyways

[20:58] her:

[20:59] me: hey, no worries though

[20:59] me: you'll have all the boyfriend you want soon enough

[21:04] me: have fun watching lost...

[21:05] her: that was really mean

[21:06] me: sorry i have to be an asshole about it, but thats what its coming down to

[21:07] me: since you cant make a decision, im making it for you

(She signed off)

I'm just tired of her shit. I don't care anymore. This is where I'm going to find out if she really likes me or not; if she ever talks to me again. I told her the truth, she didn't take it seriously. I'm giving her one more chance, and if she can't fucking decide things on her own, then I have no choice but to end things between us.

My god, shes a fucking headcase.

Honestly you are better off without her, and if she can go off with somebody else knowing that it hurts you then she really has no emotional feelings for you.(IMHO)

As somebody already said ( im too lazy to scroll up lol ) she sounds like a bit of a slut, if she wanted you..she would be with you by now.

You sound like a nice person, and shes abusing your good nature.