My dad and I have had a strained relationship ever since he divorced my mom.

When I was in fifth grade, I spent the night at my friend's house. Her mom was going to take me home, but my mom called and said to meet at a hotel where they were holding an AA convention. I didn't think anything of it, since both my parents were active in AA, but when we got there my mom had a room.

When my friend left my mom broke down and told me that she'd just found out that my dad had been having an affair with her best friend. Apparently, the night after my dad told her (I heard the fight, but wasn't too worried because they only fought once every few years... seemed healthy, you know? To relieve some built up tension), he took my brother over to the best friend's house. The best friend, Susie, has five kids that my brother and I grew up with. My dad kissed her right in front of my brother, who was only 5 or 6 at the time.

So we stayed at my aunt's house for a few days, and my mom wouldn't let me see my dad. I refused to talk to him, until one time I went home and he started crying and apologized. Regardless of what he did, he's my dad, so of course I accepted the apology.

I lived with my mom for about a year after they divorced, but after awhile she couldn't pay the house payment and was really struggling with being a single mom. So my brother and I moved in with my dad. At first things were great, but after awhile my dad and I started fighting a LOT. Sometimes, if my mom couldn't talk, I'd call Susie. I did grow up around their family, and she was close to my dad... so I assumed she understood.

About a year later, everybody was fighting and I was sitting there getting really annoyed. When Susie called her middle daughter a bitch, my defensiveness and protectiveness over my friend kicked in. I called her a witch (ha, I know...) and went to comfort Molly. Susie turned the whole thing on me and said I embarassed her in front of her neighbors and all that. This marked the end of any relationship I could have ever had with her.

Over the years my dad and I continued to have pretty serious arguements. My dad is 6'4 and gets VERY frustrated very easily, so it's quite scary when he gets mad. I was no picnic either, I'm sure I was an awful kid. Very defiant. One time Susie asked me if I was still angry about how my parents split up... this was about a year after. I said yeah, a little bit... So she and my dad sent me to a shrink.

My dad, brother, and I moved in with Susie and four of her kids at the beginning of my freshman year. They got married shortly before we moved in. This is when everything really went to shit. I started dating a guy they didn't approve of, shopping at Hot Topic (because I wasn't allowed to wear clothes the "cool" kids were wearing, so I was trying to rebel I guess), and being openly defiant and rude all the time. I snuck out almost daily, but overall I was a good kid. Didn't do well in school, but I didn't drink, do drugs, or have sex. I was 14... Not into those things yet.

Strike one: I had this cat named Ledo. I'd had him since first grade. Around seventh grade, he started puking everywhere. The vet said he was fine, and there was no problem with him if we didn't mind the mess. When we moved in with Susie, Ledo disappeared. I later found out Susie and my dad had put him to sleep... I didn't get to say goodbye to my kitty, and they both lied about it. They didn't bother asking my mom to take him.

Strike two: Susie started telling Molly's (stepsister, two years younger than me) friends' parents that I had "a dark side" and to keep their kids away from me. She also called me a devil child because my dad and I had many, many fights about me going to church/bible classes. I've never been interested in religion, and I didn't appreciate him suddenly converting then telling me I had to do the same. I got kicked out of classes because I told the teacher I had no reason to be there.

Strike three: (Sophomore year) I said something rude to Susie. I don't remember what it was, but I do remember that what I said wasn't rude, it was just the way I said it, and hearing from about six other adults that it was rude, but nothing to get especially excited over. I stayed at my mom's that night, because when my dad came to pick my brother and I up he told me it'd be best if I didn't come home. He didn't bring clothes for school the next day or offer my mom gas money to get me to school. I didn't even have clothes to sleep in there... it was a small apartment, and generally if I wanted to spend the night, I just brought clothes.

My mom didn't take me to school the next day, and of course my dad threw a fit. She took me to his house later, and I called my boyfriend and we talked for awhile. My dad and Susie came in and said to hang up the phone right now. I got indignant and dropped the phone, and the cord made it snap in the general direction of my dad... about three feet away. They said I was being disrespectful (that was their favorite word for awhile) and that I needed to be taken to the Huckleberry House, which is a shelter in Columbus for runaways and delinquents. I was terrified at the thought... the worst thing I'd done was get suspended, and that was over a year before this. I tried to go downstairs to call my mom so she could pick me up, but my dad threw me onto my bed and they yelled at me. I got out and ran to get the phone, but Susie ran into the kitchen and grabbed it from me. I said something, then called her a "fucking bitch" and ran over to my friend's house. He gave me a ride to my boyfriend's house, where my mom picked me up. I didn't talk to my dad for about six months after that.

When I was allowed back in the house, it was sort of tense. He made me apologize to his wife, which I did because I wanted to start over with my dad. I had no interest in making things okay with his wife, but I did anyway to make him happy.

Basically since I've moved out I've gained confidence, become much more secure with myself, and was able to get out of an unhealthy relationship with that guy the parents hated, because I was no longer dependant on guys. Since then, my dad and I have a pretty good relationship. We can talk about almost anything, we share the same tastes in music, art, books, and movies, and we can have a good time.

But after I turned 18, his wife started going back to her old bitchy ways. She's a hyperchondriac, she has severe emotional issues (seems that way from the mood swings and amount of meds in the cabinet), and my mom told me Susie used to offer her pills and stuff when they were friends. Her kids can't stand her half the time, half the town we live in hates her, but she still has my dad by the balls. And recently, I've only been allowed at his house if she says it's okay.

Now that my dad has no legal responsibility over me, she's trying to cut me out again. I have no problem staying away from their house, but it hurts when he says "let me see if that's alright" if I want to come over for a little while. He divorced my mom because she was too controlling, but that took him 13 years. He's almost divorced Susie at least four times... and he caught her cheating once, but still they haven't broken up.

I managed to grow up to be a decent kid. Too much free time the summer after sophomore year led to drug use and sleeping with a 23 year old, but nothing really bad came out of that. But I do have issues because of this... for example, I find it hard to trust people. Especially best friends and boyfriends. Usually I can ignore it, but occasionally it pops up... It didn't help that said bad boyfriend cheated on me, then only a couple months after we broke up my best friend dated him. I told her to go for it, but at the time I was stoned off my ass and would have agreed to anything. I didn't think she actually would. I'm over that now, and we're friends again.

I don't know how to get over these issues though. I want to trust people, and I want to talk to my dad about it. I'm done trying to split him and his wife up, but it's getting ridiculous again and if I don't say anything, I feel like we're going to have another huge fight... and if that wasn't bad enough for my mental health, he's paying for college. I don't have enough money saved to cover all of it, and my mom can't pay for it.

Short version: My dad has a bitchy controlling wife that hates me, and because of the way they treated me and the way my parents split up, I have trust issues and I want to find a way to resolve those, and also talk to my dad about the fact that she has him by the balls again and I don't appreciate being second to his wife.

Sounds like Susie and your dad weren't the most sensitive people in the world, that's why you've got these lingering issues with them. You just have to ask yourself how you want/would like to feel about these things and try and identify what's stopping you from feeling that way.

As for trusting, sometimes you just need to come to the realisation that your parents were just people and that they are not perfect, and that they made mistakes.

If you try and look at things logically, and ask yourself honestly, hopefully the answers you're looking for will come to you.

Good Luck

I think you need to try and talk to your dad or see a shrink. But I think the shrink would just say you need to speak to your dad.

Sounds like my parents except that it's my real mom and she's not cheating.

Your dad most likely won't listen to you if you say his wife is holding his balls.

I know this, my mom get to control of everything, even my dad's job.

Ouch, I was mentally reviewing a huge explosion of words I would advise you with about telling your dad to fuck off. Then right near the end you say he is paying for college. He has you by your (proverbial) balls because of this. You should really just try and ride this out. If you talk to him it could lead to him getting pissed off and refusing to pay for college.

Firekitty,

I rarely visit S&A, but was very glad to read this thread. Your initial post describes my relationship with my father to a T. The arguments, rebellion, stepmothers, everything.

I haven't spoken to my father in almost three years (except for when he called to tell me his mother died).

Sometimes I wish I had some kind of relationship with him, but our views always differ, and we always manage to butt heads. Him never finding a spouse I clicked with was always a big issue as well.

Maybe one day we'll have our peace. I hope you find yours.

I've seen many, many shrinks.

I'm not angry about the divorce anymore. I'm quite grateful for it, actually. I'm not angry at how it happened, but I still hate his wife because of how she continues to act.

The doctors all tell me that I have to realizethat not everybody is like them, and they're the exceptions. But you see people betraying each other EVERYWHERE, and that added to the fact that it happened so close to me...

I dunno, maybe I'll tell my dad that I have trust issues because of him. In a much nicer way, of course. He might have something to say about it, at least.

I don't think you should tell your dad you have trust issues with him. Fact is, you're not supposed to trust everybody, otherwise you'll get trampled on, you're supposed to hold back a bit. It's one of life's lessons.

quote:Originally posted by Marchesa:

I don't think you should tell your dad you have trust issues with him. Fact is, you're not supposed to trust everybody, otherwise you'll get trampled on, you're supposed to hold back a bit. It's one of life's lessons.



That's true, but it's irrational sometimes.

Like, one day I could trust my best friend with my life, and the next I don't want to tell her anything.

Do you like 'Trailer Park Boys'? You're a Trailer Park Girl...go on...admit it!

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:



Strike two: Susie started telling Molly's (stepsister, two years younger than me) friends' parents that I had "a dark side" and to keep their kids away from me.

Well that parts true at least. But I guess im the only one that knows your a closet DIYer. Its ok kiddo, if you come out you will feel a lot better. Soon you will be tieing shirts together by the bundle full.

quote:Originally posted by Das Troll:

Well that parts true at least. But I guess im the only one that knows your a closet DIYer. Its ok kiddo, if you come out you will feel a lot better. Soon you will be tieing shirts together by the bundle full.

Haha, too funny. -_-

I actually did make a lovely shirt the other day. It's too small to actually wear though.

Am I mistaken or were you staying with the slut that was fooling around with your dad? Did I miss sumpin' or is that what happened?

A real trustworthy substitute ma! You figure she'd be a good trustworthy woman to youse?

I can't go back & reread...not if that's what I think I'd see...

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:

Haha, too funny. -_-

I actually did make a lovely shirt the other day. It's too small to actually wear though.

They say 1 in 3 people have a DIY experience before the age of 13.

Print out what you wrote and mail it to your dad. Im serious. Do it.

Your a nice person and have done well to turn out like that especially with growing up with that kinda shit. Personally i cant help but stand my ground so id probably tell your dads wife to go die in a fiery pit of hell somewhere. Really tho i have no idea what you should do, keep in contact with your dad maybe mention that he should take an outsiders look at his wife because from here it looks like she is a bitch.

All in all i wish you luck

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:

I dunno, maybe I'll tell my dad that I have trust issues because of him. In a much nicer way, of course. He might have something to say about it, at least.

It would probably lead to an interesting conversation if you two could manage to keep calm.

quote:Originally posted by Euda:

It would probably lead to an interesting conversation if you two could manage to keep calm.

Ha, we can hardly have a normal conversation and stay calm. Not that we get angry, we're just both very excitable.

Good luck, sounds like a royal cluster fuck to me.

Id say to try your hardes to maintain your relationship with your father, because realistically it that or let it fall apart due to some controlling bitch.

Hopefully someday you will be able to make him see what hes doing to his family, or at least that he needs to dump that dump twat.

Try to maintain normal relationships with your friends, and make the best out of your life, blah blah blah, you know the rest.

Have you dealt with your 'mommy issues'?

You go & live with the woman who stole her man? Sweet... What? You must have really hated her...No?

Say you are a mother...in fact a mother where this`whole scenario plays out. A woman steals your man & your kids...

Could anything sweeter happen? I guess you're trying to find a man who'll treat you just the very very same?

Let the wackiness continue.

Carry on1

Ha, moonmeister. I love your posts.

My mom wanted me to live with my dad because she didn't think she could provide for me and my brother at the time.

After that, she liked the school system we were in, but I was planning on moving in with her soon anyway. She just had to wait until the lease was up at her one bedroom apartment so we could get a bigger one.

She absolutely hates the bitch though.

Yah. I guess it's hard when yer a kid & you have to put up with adult wackiness...'Sorry, teacher I know I'm only 11 but I've got to drop out & get a fulltime job & my own place?'

No, you've just got to live somehow with them 'dead teens'. Adults = dead teens living in a hell of their own making.

I'm surprised I read all of that despite the fact that I've heard it all before. But sometimes I like to be reminded of how much of a bitch Susie is because it makes my parents seem so much better in comparison.

I understand that all of that put together would make it really hard for you to trust people. I'm like the opposite, for some reason I trust EVERYONE, no matter what they've done to me and how many times they've screwed me over. So let's try to find a happy medium.

With guys, it's never as bad as you think. If they don't call, they just forgot because I've figured out guys are just forgetful about calling people. If they don't call on purpose, then they aren't worth your time (and I think you would have figured out by now if a certain someone was that much of a douche). Sometimes guys get in weird moods, just like girls do. If they are being jerks one day, just ignore it, take a breather, and wait until later to bring it up.

With friends, I will be honest. Sometimes I am mad at you, over something stupid or I'm just in one of those "moods." I personally try to stay away and avoid conflict because I know it's not important. I can't imagine being so mad we'd never be friends again, because we're much more mature now. If I do get mad at you, I'll get over it, so ignore me while I'm being stupid and then talk to me in a few days.

Either way, trust the people you've known for a long time really well. It's possible you'll get hurt if they screw up, but it's much better to trust them and enjoy not worrying about it so much in the meantime. Newer people, be cautious about. We all know what can happen when you like guys because they're new and exciting, and they turn out to not be so fantastic. Once you've been dating them a while, I think it's safe to trust them. Maybe not wholeheartedly, but if you think something is bad or the guy is mad about something, almost all of the times, it's really nothing bad. I know there are obvious exceptions, but you just have to accept the fact that some time you will get hurt, but it would be better to trust the close friends you have in the chance they might hurt you than always be on the edge about them if they might never hurt you.

I don't mean to sound like a Lifetime movie moral or something, sorry. Just tell yourself that you're worrying over nothing, and force yourself to believe it. It will get easier with practice.