I don't know. I think the title of this thread is lame, but I can't think of a better way of putting it.

And I apologise if I'm repeating a question.

I'm asking general advice on, well, letting people down gently.

I'm asking because I know someone who, I think, likes me. And while I think he's great and all, I'm just not interested like that. But I'm not entirely sure how to get that across without appearing to be arrogant/hurt his feelings/look like a twat.

Whadjareckon?

Jx

just tell him that your not looking for a relationship right now. if hes worth letting down gently, he'll understand.

Oh my god this is the wrong question to ask here. You're gonna get so many replies calling you a bitch because you want to let him down gently. Don't listen to them though, it's definitely a good thing to take other people's feelings into consideration.

I think the best thing is to just be honest. Like bassman said, if he really is a good guy he'll understand and get over it.

Good luck!

quote:Originally posted by Sick_Boy:

Oh my god this is the wrong question to ask here. You're gonna get so many replies calling you a bitch because you want to let him down gently. Don't listen to them though, it's definitely a good thing to take other people's feelings into consideration.

I think the best thing is to just be honest. Like bassman said, if he really is a good guy he'll understand and get over it.

Good luck!

Pfft, I figure it's worth braving the possibility of the It's-Impossible-For-A-Woman-To-Be-Friends-With-A Man debate, etc, on the offchance of some decent advice :P.

Jx

Having to reject the guy directly can almost always be avoided. Oftentimes you can reject him without even letting him know that you know he likes you. Just start talking about the philosophical reasons that you don't want a boyfriend. Then say you think of him as a brother.

quote:Originally posted by Jessic:

I don't know. I think the title of this thread is lame, but I can't think of a better way of putting it.

And I apologise if I'm repeating a question.

I'm asking general advice on, well, letting people down gently.

I'm asking because I know someone who, I think, likes me. And while I think he's great and all, I'm just not interested like that. But I'm not entirely sure how to get that across without appearing to be arrogant/hurt his feelings/look like a twat.

Whadjareckon?

Jx

Whether you do it gently or not-so, if he likes you he still probably will think he has a chance with you. It's best however to not give any hope of leading him on. However as you only "think" he likes you, letting him down might actually cause embarrasment if he turned out not to like you. Not too sure where I'm going with this, except, do it sooner rather than later.

P.S. I noticed your from London. North or South of the river?

quote:Originally posted by Jessic:

I think he's great and all, I'm just not interested like that.

Jx

Well basically tell him what you just typed right up there(or something similar). If he asks you out or whatever then tell him that. Don't say that on a hunch he likes you though,wait till its pretty obvious he wants to be more than your friend.

Thats the best I can come up with.

quote:Originally posted by bassman:

just tell him that your not looking for a relationship right now. if hes worth letting down gently, he'll understand.

No don't lie.

Because if you tell him that and then a week, a month - whatever - later you find someone you do want to be with and this guy see you two he will not only feel bad, but also think you a liar.

Just tell him the truth, that despite how great you think he he as a person, there just insn't that spark or chemistry with him for you.

I'm in the same situation except I need to eventually let this girl go. And yea, I think shes fine and all, I just don't have the interest for her. I can't say I'm not looking right now, because I am looking. So I dunno... c'mon girls, give me somthing!

Just let him know that you don't have those types of feelings for him and can't see a time in the future where you will.

If he's a friend, tell him that you care about your friends and value him as one of them.

quote:Originally posted by Jessic:

I don't know. I think the title of this thread is lame, but I can't think of a better way of putting it.

And I apologise if I'm repeating a question.

I'm asking general advice on, well, letting people down gently.

I'm asking because I know someone who, I think, likes me. And while I think he's great and all, I'm just not interested like that. But I'm not entirely sure how to get that across without appearing to be arrogant/hurt his feelings/look like a twat.

Whadjareckon?

Jx

Tell him the truth? Even if he gets a bit hurt by it, atleast you won't feel guilty for his reaction. Honesty really is the best policy; the sooner you deal with possible consequences, the less time they have to snowball.

quote:Originally posted by GlitterPunk112358:

Having to reject the guy directly can almost always be avoided. Oftentimes you can reject him without even letting him know that you know he likes you. Just start talking about the philosophical reasons that you don't want a boyfriend. Then say you think of him as a brother.

^

Here is a good example of a dishonest cunt. Something men do come to resent and hold shit against for a relatively long period of time.

Edit: For clarity, not talking about you GP...unless that's how you actually handle it, then you are a dishonest cunt.

[This message has been edited by Hexadecimal (edited 09-13-2006).]

Just let 'em down gently. Years ago, a friend told me to say 'There's no spark...' and to be honest it's worked wonders for me ever since. It just turns guys cold when they hear that. If he persists and begs you for 'just one date', just act really sorry and tell him you wouldn't want to lead him on, wouldn't be fair on him, blah, blah...

.50 cal bullet to the head from a sniper rifle seems like a pretty "amicable rejection".

Go with the tried and true method. "were just friends"

Hex is right. Don't do any dishonest bullshit. Simply tell him you don't have any interest in him, and say it like that. There's no point in saying anything else. If you have no interest, tell him that. He will respect it down the road. It'll suck for him now, but no shit, it's going to hurt no matter what. ALL rejections hurt. I'd rather a girl tell me "I don't see you like that; I have no interest in being with you" rather than saying bullshit or skirting around the issue. Just fucking come out and say it. Takes less time, and leaves no room for argument.

Seriously. What the fuck makes all these women think we're anything like them? You cant relate to men in terms of women. It doesnt work.

I understand that women are sensitive, and you need to treat their emotions delicately and gently, especially where rejection is concerned.

Guys arent like that. Honestly. As a guy, I would -much- rather have a girl come out and say 'It's never gonna happen' then make up some bullshit to spare my feelings.

'Well, I'm not really looking for something right now' means he's going to have to make an ass out of himself later on, and always be wondering if he'll ever have a chance with you. It's bullshit. If you're not interested, cut him loose. Short and to the point. We appreciate that, we really do.

SilentMind has a point.

Just to clarify, you wouldn't use my suggestions as a response to a guy declaring that he likes you. You just might say them casually if you're not sure. It's not dishonest or harmful and it doesn't lead the guy on. What's wrong with what I said?

Thanks for the replies, helped a lot.

I understood the common sense approach, don't lead him on, be honest, etc. But I needed some other perspectives/opinions. And now I have some. So thankyou.



And naive_wisdom, I'm North of the bloody river! East-side . Yourself?

Jx

Having to reject the guy directly can almost always be avoided.

Avoidance requires dishonesty.

Oftentimes you can reject him without even letting him know that you know he likes you.

Partial truth is a partial lie.

Just start talking about the philosophical reasons that you don't want a boyfriend.

Using subversive strategy rather than being honest...aka dishonesty.

Then say you think of him as a brother.

Flat-out lie.

Alright GP, how is this not a dishonest cunt strategy?

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

[b]Alright GP, how is this not a dishonest cunt strategy?

Pwnd, BROTHER.

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

Having to reject the guy directly can almost always be avoided.

Avoidance requires dishonesty.

No it doesn't.

quote:Oftentimes you can reject him without even letting him know that you know he likes you.

Partial truth is a partial lie.

Who said anything about either?

quote:Just start talking about the philosophical reasons that you don't want a boyfriend.

Using subversive strategy rather than being honest...aka dishonesty.

Your argument doesn't make sense. It would be fucking silly to tell a guy who hasn't ever said that he likes you that you don't like him. It would create awkwardness and wouldn't help anything. If he doesn't like you, he thinks you're an arrogant bitch. If he does like you, he's humiliated. Where's the upside to your plan?

quote:Then say you think of him as a brother.

Flat-out lie.

Bullshit. "You're like a brother to me" is simply another way of saying "I only like you in a platonic way." Not everyone cares about their brother. Saying that someone is like your brother doesn't necessarily mean anything except lack of sexual attraction. Where's the lie?

quote:Alright GP, how is this not a dishonest cunt strategy?

How is it? You didn't show how anything I suggested was dishonest. You just stated that it was, as if somehow that were the same as a valid argument.

Maybe there is a tiny bit of dishonesty involved in trying to communicate something to someone without using the exact words you're trying to get across, but so what? It's not cuntish; it's the same amount of dishonesty as saying "fine" when someone asks you how your day was. If you had a shitty day and you said it was "fine," are you a dishonest cunt? No, you just wanted to avoid an unnecessary conversation that wouldn't benefit anyone.

[This message has been edited by GlitterPunk112358 (edited 09-14-2006).]

if he's really into you, there is no way to let him down gently.

get over it. Tell him the truth and nothing but the truth.

Having to reject the guy directly can almost always be avoided.

This requires self-deception; a form of dishonesty, because you have to tell yourself that avoiding a clean cut is a good idea without negative consequences, and also that it's moral.

Oftentimes you can reject him without even letting him know that you know he likes you.

If you percieve him liking you, and hide that, that would be the definition of a partial truth, and withholding parts of the truth is a form of deception.

Just start talking about the philosophical reasons that you don't want a boyfriend.

This is subversive; it has nothing to do with the real issue, which is simply you not having feelings for that INDIVIDUAL guy. You can't control who you grow infatuated with; listing off reasons you don't want HIM and pretending like it applies to all men is complete deceptive bullshit.

Then say you think of him as a brother.

How often do you completely side-step issues and feed bullshit to your brother just so he feels better? If you actually use this tactic on a guy, you think of him as a toy. If you had any respect for him as an individual, you'd flat out tell him that there's no spark.

You can keep trying to justify your deception, but it won't get you anywhere other than emotionally distanced; which I'm guessing is one of your goals because you feel people judge you too harshly and have no right to? Well, nevermind that...you wouldn't admit it even if it were true.

And I'm not judging you; I respect you because I know underneath the lies, pride, and actions of even the most insane people, there is the basic desire to be loved and to love. You're still human, and so are the guys you deal with; treat them like it. And treat yourself with some respect; you shouldn't be doing shit you have to rationalize.

And something in particular: Bullshit. "You're like a brother to me" is simply another way of saying "I only like you in a platonic way." Not everyone cares about their brother. Saying that someone is like your brother doesn't necessarily mean anything except lack of sexual attraction. Where's the lie?

You're not a fucking wordsmith; 'You're like a brother to me' by all common usage, implies that the bond of friendship is as strong as the bond of family. It may imply that there is only plutonic love, but specifically it's in reference to the strength of the bond of friendship. Quit lying to yourself before you end up where I did; it's not a fun road to travel to the end: I was lucky as fuck to survive my suicide.

Dude, you just went back and refuted the points you already addressed instead of responding to my more recent post. What the hell?

I don't need to rationalize anything to myself because there is nothing wrong with sparing all involved a difficult motherfucking conversation. I had one of these conversations with a guy recently and I would do damn near anything to avoid ever having another one. It was painful as hell for both of us and it ended the friendship instantly. What the hell is the point of that? Explain to me the point of having to sit there and tell a guy who was at the time one of my best friends that he is too emotional for me and I need a guy with more balls. What is the fucking point? Whom does that help? How is that better than nipping it in the bud and stopping him from confessing his feelings for me? No one gets hurt my way. Everyone gets hurt your way. Mine is obviously better!

[This message has been edited by GlitterPunk112358 (edited 09-14-2006).]

Dude, you just went back and refuted the points you already addressed instead of responding to my more recent post. What the hell?

You said all I had stated was that it was dishonest and showed no reason for it; this time I did.

I don't need to rationalize anything to myself because there is nothing wrong with sparing all involved a difficult motherfucking conversation.

Yes, there is, because it prevents growth; it's detrimental to both parties if all they learn from difficult situations is how to side-step them until they all come crashing down.

I had one of these conversations with a guy recently and I would do damn near anything to avoid ever having another one.

As would I, but they arise, and you can either 'avoid' it, or you can deal with them.



It was painful as hell for both of us and it ended the friendship instantly. What the hell is the point of that? Explain to me the point of having to sit there and tell a guy who was at the time one of my best friends that he is too emotional for me and I need a guy with more balls. What is the fucking point? Whom does that help? How is that better than nipping it in the bud and stopping him from confessing his feelings for me?

The point is that he got the truth, won't have false hopes, won't warp his thinking over it, and won't make an ass of himself when he acts on false hopes. It also might help him grow some balls in the future, if he decides he needs to. And what you described does not stop anything; if anything, it confuses the guy and fucks his thinking up.

No one gets hurt my way. Everyone gets hurt your way. Mine is obviously better!

Both of you get hurt a lot more your way.

If the two of you can't learn to deal with the pain of losing a friendship under the least painful circumstances one can be lost under, how the fuck do you plan on dealing with life? Friends will die to overdoses, car accidents, murder, suicide...and you think it's too painful to deal with one ending from differences on life outlook? Family will die from all sorts of shit too. Your kids, if you ever have any, are going to hate you for the majority of the time they live with you. Your bosses are going to treat you like shit; co-workers and friends (even sometimes family) will backstab you. Learning to deal with pain is part of life; and working through it to do what's best in the end is also part of life. Avoiding it in the moment leads to even bigger problems later on...not every single time, but damned near always.

Please, do something good for yourself and learn to just deal with the shit life throws at you as it comes; letting crap snowball is not a good idea, no matter how easy it is to ignore the consequences at a young age.

Edit: And another thing; when you're having a bad day and say 'Fine.' to 'How are you?', you're losing the oppurtunity to gain advice on how to fix, or atleast handle the situation that's fucking your day up. Not everyone will know how to help you out, or even what you're going through; but it's impossible to know what a conversation is going to entail until you engage in it. So yeah, lies, even 'white lies' are just about 100% detrimental to all parties involved.

[This message has been edited by Hexadecimal (edited 09-14-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:



If the two of you can't learn to deal with the pain of losing a friendship under the least painful circumstances one can be lost under, how the fuck do you plan on dealing with life? Friends will die to overdoses, car accidents, murder, suicide...and you think it's too painful to deal with one ending from differences on life outlook? Family will die from all sorts of shit too. Your kids, if you ever have any, are going to hate you for the majority of the time they live with you. Your bosses are going to treat you like shit; co-workers and friends (even sometimes family) will backstab you. Learning to deal with pain is part of life; and working through it to do what's best in the end is also part of life. Avoiding it in the moment leads to even bigger problems later on...not every single time, but damned near always.

Please, do something good for yourself and learn to just deal with the shit life throws at you as it comes; letting crap snowball is not a good idea, no matter how easy it is to ignore the consequences at a young age.

Somehow (I really don't understand how) you're still not getting the idea. I'm not talking about giving him false hopes. I'm not talking about letting crap snowball or anything like that. I'm talking about the exact opposite of that. Casually telling a guy that you don't want a boyfriend before he ever expresses interest in you will make him realize that you don't want him. It will stop him from making an ass of himself by pursuing a girl who doesn't reciprocate his feelings.

And I don't know what all this about not being able to deal with the pain of losing a friendship shit is about. I'm not going to kill myself, and neither will he, but it's still good to avoid pain whenever possible. If my options are hold my hand over a flame for 15 seconds or don't, I'm going to choose not to. It's simple. It's really fucking simple. Why don't you get it?

[This message has been edited by GlitterPunk112358 (edited 09-14-2006).]

ATTN: WOMEN.

The pain of rejection is only surpassed by the pain of time wasted over someone who was too selfish to stop stringing you along.

[/thread]

TELL HIM.

quote:Originally posted by GlitterPunk112358:

Hey, GP, all the things you said were the things Amanda said to me at first. Then look what happened, I constantly thought I had a chance. I made heaps of threads about her and was totally being strung along.

I remember, you once flat out said "SHE DOESNT LIKE YOU, SHE WONT, GET OVER HER". You were right at the time. Because you obviously knew the truth to her words.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I totally would have preferred a "I'm not attracted to you, nor can I see my self being attracted to you in the future". I'd be all like "ZOMG U BITCH!", but in the long run, I'd respect her and could have been her friend.

Girls need to be more blunt with their rejections, and a lot LOT more harsh.

quote:Originally posted by arquin:

Hey, GP, all the things you said were the things Amanda said to me at first. Then look what happened, I constantly thought I had a chance. I made heaps of threads about her and was totally being strung along.

I remember, you once flat out said "SHE DOESNT LIKE YOU, SHE WONT, GET OVER HER". You were right at the time. Because you obviously knew the truth to her words.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I totally would have preferred a "I'm not attracted to you, nor can I see my self being attracted to you in the future". I'd be all like "ZOMG U BITCH!", but in the long run, I'd respect her and could have been her friend.

Girls need to be more blunt with their rejections, and a lot LOT more harsh.

Hm... I guess perhaps my suggestions don't get the point across as well as I figured they would. I haven't actually tried them out yet. It's just so hard to be a bitch to someone who has only ever been nice to you. And they will see you as a bitch. So will all their friends and most likely a few of yours. It seems like there should be a way to communicate the idea without being blunt as hell about it.