I'm on a high dose of shitty amps, so this is probably much longer than necessary, so I'll make a summary. Scroll down to bolded text.

I'm probably more attracted to the current female gender norms than male gender norms. Despite this, I think I'm attracted to men more than women. This makes things very difficult for me.

So I met this guy at a club in Denver the other day, and we were getting along great. He was dressed up in the normal gay garb, consisting of an abercrombie shirt, "stylishly" "ripped" jeans and hair with more a few bottles of gel in it. We danced together for a while, then got tired and sat down to talk. I assumed he was gay of course, until he asked me out on a more private date. A date with dinner at an expensive restaurant.

This threw me off-guard. I know I should be more open-minded and all that, but this guy was in no way straight. So I gave him a confused look for a few seconds trying to think of what to say (drunk), and before I could mutter a few words of confusion, he blurts out, "I know I look, sound and probably act gay, but I'm really bi."

Ah. Okay, so he wasn't straight. He also claimed to not be gay. My mind was working a bit better now, so I asked, "Are you sure you don't prefer men and just think of women.. sexually?" Oddly worded I know, I can never get my words into proper order.

He said that he wasn't really sure and was just starting to experiment with girls. At age 18, he was still very confused and just recently realized that he wasn't completely gay. I thought this was strange, as usually bi guys realize they have an attraction to girls first, but stranger things have happened, so I took him up on his dinner offer. We exchanged numbers and danced for another hour before the place closed for the morning.

So, he calls and we decide on a time for dinner. We must have stayed there for 2 hours after we'd finished eating, just talking. I learned of like his entire life story and a good amount of his personality, and I was falling in love (or maybe lust) with his every word.

By the end of our conversation, we decided that we wanted a relationship. It did seem soon, and I've never actually agreed with "relationships", preferring to be a "free spirit" or whatever, but.. I wanted this guy. He liked to wear makeup, thongs and miniskirts for crying out loud! He was hot, feminine and seemingly perfect. He even goes to the same college as me. We decided that we could be, for lack of better words, boyfriend/girlfriend, but our relationship would remain an "open" one, where sex with other people was allowed (mainly because he lacks tits and a puusy, and I lack a dick). So, with that in mind, Mike and I starting calling ourselves a couple.

That was a month ago, and until last night everything was perfect. I really can see myself marrying this man (I've never before agreed with even the concept of marriage).

About a week ago, we had a threesome with a gay friend of his. The guy didn't want to touch me because he "has literally thrown up after kissing a girl", which made things weird for me, but it was still good. So I thought that we could try a threesome with a bi friend of mine (female), too. Which was planned for last night.

I thought it would be cute to surprise him with me and my friend Jen 69ing on his bed when he got home from work. So we met up at his place (he gave me a key ) 30 mintues before his shift ended and got to sexin'.

When he got home, he heard us, came to see what was going on and then... got angry.

He sighed heavily and clearly, and asked if he could talk to me alone. Jen, blushing, put her clothes on and left.

I was pissed off, which was probably the wrong reaction now that I'm looking back on things. I started to get "vocal" (nice word for loud), telling him that I had arranged it as a surprise specifically for him and that Jen and I had planned this threesome a week ago. Being female and angry, I was probably not very logical in the following argument and most likely made him think that I'm just a bitch.

He did not seem okay with me eating my friend's pussy. Despite our agreement when we decided to be a couple, he seemed very possessive of me and said that I should have, "Asked for permission" before having sex with someone else. He was also upset that I let this girl into this apartment before he even met her, which was understandable.

So now I think I'm screaming at him, and he tells me to leave and not call him. As I was storming out the door, he told me that after some "alone time to think about this mess," he'd call me to talk about. Said it would be a day or two, and in that time to not call him.

So I went back to my dorm room and cried for a while, which is the accepted female approach to dealing with things.

After a few hours of this, my room mate decides that she wants to cheer me up. After some chocolate ice cream (I'm such a typical girl) and a few very long hugs, she talks me into taking me out drinking/clubbing.

So I hop in the shower. While I'm washing myself, she decides that she wants to make out with me and play with my tits (I <3 having a nympho room mate), which escalates into full-blown sex that ends on her bedroom floor. I guess I'm a bad girl, but this didn't make me feel guilty at all, even after what Mike said earlier that night.

It's now 2am, and most of the clubs are getting ready to close. We still wanted to get shitfaced though, so she and I took another shower (seperate showers this time) and got ready. By the time we were ready to go, our club options had become very limited, as it was thursday nght and not friday/saturday (<3 having no classes on friday). The closest club that was open was, yes, the club that I met Mike in.

So Maria and I drive there, and just as if my life is a modern soap opera aired on MTV, I see Mike dancing with and obviously groping some guy that looks to be in his 30's. If he saw me or not, I can't be sure, but once I saw that I grabbed Maria and we came right back to our dorm, after stopping to grab a couple bottles of vodka.

Back in my room, Maria is holding me as I cry some more until she falls asleep in my bed. Realizing that I was not going to get any sleep anyway, I take a few of my shitty amps to improve my mood and hopefully allow me to get some homework done.

The amps, as usual, put my emotions on the backburner and I spent most of the rest of the night finishing my chem and calc homework.

Had nothing left to do, so I started looking at the situation and wondering what to do. This brought me to writing it all out on totse for you.

Summary

'Kay, I met this get at a club and we go out for dinner and started dating a month ago. About a week ago, we had a threesome with his gay friend and all was well, I thought I was in love etc. Last night I bring a female friend to his apartment to surprise him with a FFM threesome. He responds with anger, tells me I have no right to have sex with someone without his permission (despite having made an agreement with him before stating that we both could fuck who we wanted).

Later on that night (nearing morning), my friend takes me to the same club to get drunk and party, because it's like.. the only one open at 4am. Once there, I see the boyfriend being very friendly with some older guy.

Now, my concerns

He told me he wanted alone time to get his head straight, and tells me not to call, claiming that he will call when he's ready to talk about it. Then he goes out to the same gay club I met him in and is practically being dry-humped by this old guy.

However.. I also went to the club and probably would have been dry humped too. For all I know, that guy was just a good friend that talked him into going just as Maria did for me. I don't mind that he was having a good time and rubbing himself against an erect cock, but I do mind that he seemed to be... having (not sure what word to use, "having" doesn't seem to fit. I haven't slept in a while, so forgive me!) a double standard there. He gets mad at me for having sex with Jen, but then goes out and basically teases the fuck out of some older guy. For all I know, he may have later sucked the guys dick in the bathroom.

I'm trying to look at this logically, and the pills are helping, but now I fear that I'm looking at it from an irrationally hopeful point of veiw.

See, what I did to upset was have sex without his permission. And while our agreement says that I can do that, what he did at the club was most definately NOT sex, probably. In his mind, he doesn't see a double standard because there was no sex on his part (at least, I don't think there was sex). He was just dancing very close to this guy, and was probably drunk at the time anyway.

Still, I'm upset, and I feel that it's justified. What's worse, is that I really think I love Mike. I've had sexual fantasies of getting married and all that.

And now the slightly irrational (but based in logic) worry.

What if I was just a sexual experiment for him? He said he was confused and needed to find himself. But.. a month? A month of dating? We had sex maybe 20 times in that month, and he always seemed into it, so I think at the very least he's attracted to me on a sexul level. But again, I love him. I want to spend all of my time with him, and spend time talking about our feelings, our day at school/work, politics.. anything. I want more than sex with him, which is.. well, new for me.

Maybe he feels he can only connect with a guy on that level though, and just wants sex from women (like me, kind of).

I don't think I can deal with that kind of loss right now. I have too much going on, and it would shatter my life for a good long while. I'd sink back into a depression and end up injecting le heroin everyday again.

To add more of my mental problems into the mix, I know that many people have fallen in love with me and I ended up breaking their hearts because it was "just sex" for me. I had convinced myself that love didn't exist like that, and when I broke their hearts just assumed they were over reacting and putting on a show to try to get me to date them.

Now I feel like I've been a royal bitch to countless people. From now on, I'll make sure that people understand it's just sex first.

What do I do with Mike though? He told me not to call, but I have a nearly unbearable urge to tell him all of this, with.. a few details not mentioned. I want to tell him that I love him for the first time. I want him to forgive me, even though I did nothing wrong in my eyes.. and I want to hold him as he cries about how much he missed me while we were having this stupid fight. I want him to fall asleep in my arms after proclaiming his love for me in a soft whisper.. and then I want to kiss his drying tears away as he sleeps.

The drugs must be wearing off, because I'm starting to get very emotional again.

I'll wait 'till his shift starts, then call him (he always turns phone off at work), so I can leave a message. That gives me a little more than an hour and a half to decide what to say in the message.

No one can help me, I know that. So don't call me a dumb cunt for bitching and moaning on the internet.

First of all, you're not bitching or moaning. This belongs in here.

He sounds very confused right now and most likely is attracted to you on more than just a sexual level. That's probably what confuses him because, maybe he's kind of been thinking the same way as you and he always thought he could only connect with guys.

I do think you should leave him a message but make sure it's everything you mean. Don't go overboard and emberess yourself.

If he's trying to get things figured out now with his life, and he really is thinking about commiting to a long term relationship with you then maybe this is what he needs. A little alone time to think about this. Even if you two have double standards, it's still going to hurt him when you go off having sex with other people without even telling him you were. I can completely understand how that could even upset him.

As far a depression, I can't say much about that. Hopefully you can realize that there can be much more than sex to a relationship if you allow it and just try. Mike's not the only guy in this world and you've only been together for a month. Just try to find new people and date them, you'll find yourself having a good time eventually.

I do think that talking to him is the best thing you can do right now. Leave him a message and sum it up kind of and tell him you want to talk to him in person. Try to find out what his true feelings are and why he's so confused and if he wants to be with you anymore. Be completely honest and get everything out, if you don't the smallest details will be a huge weight on your shoulder.

Edit: This probably really doesn't help much. Your story is kind of a lot of different things to deal with. I just rambled a bit.

[This message has been edited by sylph (edited 09-09-2006).]

Thats the problem with feminine guys. They can get kind of moody too. It happens in a lot of 'open' relationships, where...at first, they both want their freedom. But as the relationship progresses, one partner becomes more attached and starts to see it as something more. And when that happens, jealousy follows suite.

He's not in the right, by any means. But it's understandable. Chances are, you're making him question his lifestyle, and that confuses him. Up until now, he's probably been like you. Keeping away from serious relationships, preferring to fill his bed with whoever catches his interest that night.

Now, on the other hand, he finds himself in the middle of something serious. With a women instead of a man no less. And this goes against what he's held as his beliefs for a long time.

I think you can write this one off as 'he fucked up'. If you can really see yourself marrying this guy, give him time to himself, and your patience when he needs it. But you have to be prepared for the fact that when he sorts through his confusion he may be either 1) Gay, or 2) unready/willing to commit.

But thats the risk you run.

It helps just knowing that my problems are valid to someone. Hehe, not sure if that makes logical sense.

I have 30 minutes before I can call and leave the message. I've decided to give just a very broad glance at my thoughts and concerns, because otherwise.. in my current state I'd ramble and try to leave a 3 hour message.

I want him to know that I still feel as though he was being unfair, or at least untruthful, as he said sex with others is fine. I'll tell him I saw him last night, but not mention the guy, don't want him to get too defensive too early. I'll apologize for bring Jen to his place, because.. that really WAS a bad idea.

Lastly, I'll tell him that I really want to talk to him. I won't tell him that I've not been more than 6 inches away from my phone at all times, and constantly check to make sure silent/whatever mode hasn't been turned on somehow. Or that I've not really stopped crying for a few hours. Don't want to seem as desperate as I am.

Dont call him. He specifically asked you not to. Just give him a few days. Even if he doesnt deserve it.

To be completely honest, it sounds like this guy has some serious issues. Unless you're taking a bachelor of science degree in psychology, look for someone better. Shit, I'd love to have a bi-sexual partner that would let herself into my apartment and go at it with a friend until I showed up. Even if my dog died, I lost my job, and crashed my car, that would put the biggest smile on my face. I'd just drop my clothes and get straight to it, introductions could be made along the way.

You're a dream woman for many guys, and you deserve someone that can handle situations, respects your desire and need for same sex aswell as opposite sex interaction. The only thing I wouldn't want you to do is to sleep with other men or neglect my twice daily needs . Three times or four times on weekends. I'd never screw another chick without you there either.

Get over him a meet a nice guy like myself that can satisfy your needs, and that will let you satisfy the needs he can't. I'm unfortunately a rare breed, and I'm taken, sorry.

Uhm i'm gonna give you some strange sounding advice.

No matter what you or he thinks, 'freedom' to sleep with others rarely strengthens a relationship.

Second, if you love and want him then just phone and apologise. Tell him it won't happen again.

He may be in the wrong and being a dick but sometimes the wiser one has to shallow her pride.

Give it a while and then you'll be able to discuss it with him without 'heat' and he'll probably agree he fucked up.



[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 09-09-2006).]

The moral of this story: "Open Relationships" just don't work. Either be monogamous, or don't be in a relationship.

Since he felt like he'd done nothing wrong (with the MMF), and that you had done something wrong (with the FFM), he probably went out clubbing to get back at you. That's why he was with the guy, revenge.

Well...revenge is a strong word, but to me it seems like he was getting back at you in his own little private way.

Open relationships can work, but they need to be talked through properly, and if someone doesn't want one, it's perfectly normal and understandable. But the thing needs to be equal on both sides of the deal.

Communication is vital, and it seems easy for things to fall apart.

Starflower(nice name!), maybe you didn't talk it through with him as thoroughly as you should have beforehand, but I can't tell.