I spent the last hour writing this completly fictional erotic story about Magic the Gathering, cocaine, and having sex with my cousin. The scary part is not that I wrote the story, but the length of the story. I even looked up most the cards to make sure the magic game could have really happened. I don't feel like editing the post, but if I could do it again, I would have ended it by asking whether or not the jitte is overpowered in non-tournament decks. Here is the story:

Hypothetically, I am sitting there playing Magic with my brother when my cousin comes over. She’s 12 and plays a little bit and asks me if she can play. I normally wouldn’t have but my brother was going to his friend’s house so I tell her sure. Lately I have been playing online, but since I don’t feel like leaving my bedroom, we grab my stack of cards and start making decks. I don’t have a very good supply, so I tell her that we can prototype in 15 cards, so long as they are type two.

I guess she had really been playing a lot with her dad, since the first thing she does is write ‘Umbetz’a Jitte’ on 4 extra islands with a sharpy. She offers to look up the correct spelling and rules online, but I just make fun of her and tell her I know what it is. After a couple minutes of fighting over what ****** cards there are in the deck, I have put together a playable looking Ninjitsu deck, and she has a green/white convoke deck. There not really tier 1, but I was pretty impressed. Since I don’t own any snow lands, I make my proto cards 4x remand, 4x jitte, 4x remove soul, and a couple ninja’s. She went with 4 jitte, 4 sakura tribe elder, a ghost lit redeemer, 4 watch wolves and 2 loxo hammers.

We sit across from each other on the bed, and draw our seven cards.

“Play or draw?”, I ask.

“Want to flip?”

“Your dead either way”

She lays down a plains, plays a redeemer.

“Go”

I don’t have anything real cheap in the deck, so I lay down an island.

“Go”

Forest, Watchwolf, attack.

“Go”

I think about playing Floating-Dream Zubera (told you it wasn’t Teir 1), but hold off to counter.

Next turn she attacks with the wolf and gains 2 life. When she does, I take off a sock.

“Why did you do that?”

That’s how you play, every 3 life you take off a piece of clothing.

She laughs for a second, then says that it isn’t fair, because I am wearing more than her. I hand her my watch and a hat, putting her at seven pieces of clothing and me at 6.

Next turn I lay down another island and draw a jitte, making me wish I had that zubra on the field. I end up playing it, hoping she doesn’t play something big next turn.

She hits again with the wolf, costing me my other sock. She plays Veteran armor but doesn’t play a land, which serves to give me a little hope.

Next turn I forget what I draw but with my 4th land I could attach the jitte! She blocks with the redeemer, now a 1/2, but I still get my counters.

Next turn she’s still in trouble for land. She plays another armorer, but doesn’t attack.

I play genju and attack with it and my zubra, I use my jitte to kill the blocking wolf, she takes 3, but doesn’t loose anything since she was up 2.

Next turn she lays down a forest, plays Fists of Ironwood, and doesn’t attack.

I play another land and attack, she doesn’t block at all, and takes off my hat.

Next turn she taps her whole board to play rootkin ally, only for me to remove soul on it.

I play another land, attack, and use the jitte to pump my zubra to 9/10. That 12 damage leaves her with only two pieces of cloths left. To be cheap, she takes her bra off from under her shirt.

Next turn she users her redeemer to gain 2 life and puts the hat back on. She’s now sitting at seven life. Two mana to make the genju, 2 more to equip the jitte, and she’s getting hit with a 7/6 flying. That’s game!

She goes to half heartly cover up but I pull the shirt off her. She turns her back to me and starts to pull down her underwear. She closes her legs tight but I tell her she has to let me see. She lays on my bed but covers her head with a pillow. Her legs are still tight together but she spreads them wide apart the second I touch her knee. I rub my thumb along the side of her, as she still keeps her head under the pillow. After a couple seconds, I start licking her. In the back of my mind, I keep worrying that my door is unlocked, but I think locking it could ruin the mood. I notice that this is defiantly her first time; I am not sure what to do next. Ideally, if you are going to have sex with someone, there not your cousin; however, I had also just done about a half gram of coke. To some people, that wouldn’t be much, but to me, that’s a lot of coke! Regardless of the thought process, after about ten minutes of oral I end up taking her into the bathroom.

I sit on the edge of the tub, and she sits facing me on my lap. It was at this point when my brain had really realized what was going on, and, after a couple reluctant tries on her part, we got down a pretty good rhythm. She kept full-hugging me, which made it harder to move, but I’ll bet I didn’t go 5 minutes before I went inside her. We turned on the shower to wash up, and after one more time a few minutes later, we got dressed.

You’d think it would be awkward, but we just went back to my room and cuddled. I had actually fallen asleep, and was paranoid as hell when my mom walked in and found us asleep holding each other. She didn’t seem to think much of it though, I told her we had just fell asleep, and she went home later that night.

Seek help

The problem with text is that it doesn't flash random colors and demand my attention while infiltrating my mind to lay eggs that hatch thoughts of hunger for fast food and sex.

[This message has been edited by HandOfZek (edited 09-08-2006).]

*waits for Yoyobek to come online and explain to this old fart wtf that was all about*

quote:Originally posted by fullcircle:

Seek help

I <3 you.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

*waits for Yoyobek to come online and explain to this old fart wtf that was all about*



Magic is a card game with really complex rules. Basically you start with 20 life and try to kill your opponent before they kill you. The readers it was designed for shouldn't have to much trouble with it, since I stuck to common cards (except the crappy zubra) but I can see how it doesn't make much sence to people who have never played.

quote:Originally posted by tibberous:

Magic is a card game with really complex rules. Basically you start with 20 life and try to kill your opponent before they kill you. The readers it was designed for shouldn't have to much trouble with it, since I stuck to common cards (except the crappy zubra) but I can see how it doesn't make ANY FUCKING sense to people who have never played.

Fixed (thanks anyway)

...So, wait, the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?

Hahahahaha, ahem, seriously, TL;DR.

Probably needed more oral anyways.

You're playing some fucked up version of strip poker... with magic the gathering cards?!?!

Show some fucking respect!!

And you damn well better have put those cards back in their protective coveres before going off to fuck, or god help you!

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

*waits for Yoyobek to come online and explain to this old fart wtf that was all about*



MTG. Card game. Generally the deck is of 60 cards, sometimes 40 if you're playing arena (where you get to beat fat middleaged men,woo!).

There are five colors in MTG, white green black blue and red.

5 color decks rarely work that well, but 2 color decks are best.



If you're playing say a red blue deck, you'd have a certain amount of mountain and island cards, these are called Mana.

They relate to the cost of the other cards you have, the little figure in the upper right corner.



For example, I'm holding a keiga the tide star, it's one blue mana and 5. That means its pretty fucking expensive, and probably wont be able to play it till the 6th turn. And when I did play it, atleast one of the manna I tapped (you move the mana card sideways to show it's tapped) would have to be a blue island.



You start with 20 life and the first person to hit 0 or be unable to draw, loses.

The cards consists of different types of land (mana) cards, creatures, instants (like spells you can play at any time), sorcery (spells you can only play during your turn)and enchantments (you can play during your turn on yourself, your player or either of either players creatures.)



If you wanna know more, perhaps you should Email me. I can make you a deck if you're that moved by it.

Good, you fucking creep. Keep your cock out of ten-year-olds and you might fare better on this planet of apes.

wtf is the point of this thread?

And that's worse than any sexual Harry Potter fan fiction. I mean, seriously. Anybody who plays with Magic cards does NOT get laid. Ever.

Edit: At least Harry has his shexy broomstick.

[This message has been edited by firekitty751 (edited 09-08-2006).]

I fapped.....I thought it was awesome..

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:



And that's worse than any sexual Harry Potter fan fiction. I mean, seriously. Anybody who plays with Magic cards does NOT get laid. Ever.



You're a stupid cunt sometimes.

Hmm.. yeah, I'm sooo totaly a virgin cause I like to play card games because it's fun...

YuGiOh is a better card game than MtG IMHO anyway.

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

MTG. Card game. Generally the deck is of 60 cards, sometimes 40 if you're playing arena (where you get to beat fat middleaged men,woo!).

There are five colors in MTG, white green black blue and red.

5 color decks rarely work that well, but 2 color decks are best.



If you're playing say a red blue deck, you'd have a certain amount of mountain and island cards, these are called Mana.

They relate to the cost of the other cards you have, the little figure in the upper right corner.



For example, I'm holding a keiga the tide star, it's one blue mana and 5. That means its pretty fucking expensive, and probably wont be able to play it till the 6th turn. And when I did play it, atleast one of the manna I tapped (you move the mana card sideways to show it's tapped) would have to be a blue island.



You start with 20 life and the first person to hit 0 or be unable to draw, loses.

The cards consists of different types of land (mana) cards, creatures, instants (like spells you can play at any time), sorcery (spells you can only play during your turn)and enchantments (you can play during your turn on yourself, your player or either of either players creatures.)



If you wanna know more, perhaps you should Email me. I can make you a deck if you're that moved by it.

I was able to read every single word in that post and not understand any of it!

:P

[This message has been edited by jackketch (edited 09-08-2006).]

Careful firekitty...

It's all fun and games until someone casts a level 12 fireball.

quote:Originally posted by jackketch:

I was able to read every single word in that post and not understand any of it!

:P



*Studies a sign reading "Totse forumites: if you can read this, you're overqualified."*

Hmmm...Hey, can anyone tell me what this sign says?

Not bad, but you spent too much time on the MTG and not enough time on the fucking of 12-yr old cousin.

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

Not bad, but you spent too much time on the MTG and not enough time on the fucking of 12-yr old cousin.

I thought it would be funny to post it on a Magic the Gathering forum, since everyone would think it was about Magic, but then it slowly turns to sex. Thought it might keep the mods off it a bit too.

quote:Originally posted by fullcircle:

Careful firekitty...

It's all fun and games until someone casts a level 12 fireball.

quote:Originally posted by tibberous:

I thought it would be funny to post it on a Magic the Gathering forum, since everyone would think it was about Magic, but then it slowly turns to sex. Thought it might keep the mods off it a bit too.

Ah man...crazy kids these days.

Hillbilly.

quote:Originally posted by tibberous:

I thought it would be funny to post it on a Magic the Gathering forum, since everyone would think it was about Magic, but then it slowly turns to sex. Thought it might keep the mods off it a bit too.

Oooh, I see. You didn't say what forum you posted it on at first.

Brilliant.

Edit: Link us to the MtG forum thread, please. I want to see what happens.

[This message has been edited by Twisted_Ferret (edited 09-08-2006).]

Magic is for gay chinks, incest is for faggots and jews

I liked it but you needed at least a few paragraphs describing the sex.

I REALLY need to take a shit.

[This message has been edited by Friendly Hater (edited 09-09-2006).]

quote:Originally posted by firekitty751:

wtf is the point of this thread?

And that's worse than any sexual Harry Potter fan fiction. I mean, seriously. Anybody who plays with Magic cards does NOT get laid. Ever.

Edit: At least Harry has his shexy broomstick.



I've had sex...once.

I <3 Magic: the Gathering

*me won a tourney today with an Aluren deck :-P

Not that anyone cares. But interesting mix.

quote:Originally posted by Molotov Everything:

I <3 Magic: the Gathering

*me won a tourney today with an Aluren deck :-P



I care!



Especially if you post/email me the deck list so I can horribly rip it off in an attempt to beat my boyfriend, who I've only beaten 2 and a half times.

I'm working on a tri-color deck..stil.. but there are so many awesome cards to try and fit in. At the moment, it's at around 105 cards. It needs some work.

Heheh, I just realised that when I was reading the story when it got to the sex bit I just completely skipped it.



/needs to get out more/

quote:Originally posted by yoyobek:

I care!



Especially if you post/email me the deck list so I can horribly rip it off in an attempt to beat my boyfriend, who I've only beaten 2 and a half times.

I'm working on a tri-color deck..stil.. but there are so many awesome cards to try and fit in. At the moment, it's at around 105 cards. It needs some work.

Heheh, I just realised that when I was reading the story when it got to the sex bit I just completely skipped it.



/needs to get out more/

akiratheoni@gmail.com is my email, so i can send you a decklist. And explain how it works. And if you have AIM or MSN that would work too.

Pffft, that would do nothing because of her 50% fire resistance and level 6 Frost Shield.

Geez, get with the program...