Long Ranting Version (Scroll Down For Nutshell Version)

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Two and a half years ago, when my band first got together, my guitarist developed a crush on me. I ignored it on account of he made it sound like I was coming on to him/leading him on whenever I made a comment or joke about it. I figured it was best to just wait until he made a move on me so I could finally say

"A ha! I knew it! Now, I'm very sorry, but you're not my type and this is a very bad idea."

But, he's kind of strange guy and tends to have emotional outbursts, and it took a long time for "it all" to come to a head. By that time I knew him much better and for some reason, when he finally kissed me I was paralyzed with fear of him freaking out if I turned him down.

What I did instead was I jumped up and left.

After that I think we had two more incidences when he kissed me before I finally got up the courage to say 'no'. (Mind you, he's wierd, emotional, and I'm not attracted to him.)

But, this had kind of all faded into the distance until just recently.

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See, I've had a crush on his best friend since we first met, 2.5 years ago. But, he had a girlfriend. Then, when they broke up I didn't want to be the rebound girl. But, he moved to NY for a few months, and then came back, and all kinds of stuff got in the way.

Until about a month and a half ago.

Which is when the problem with my guitarist began to resurface.

He (my guitarist) is incredibly protective of me. They all are, but particularily him. If we're hanging out at a bar and someone - anyone tries to approach me, he'll blatantly stand right in between us and block them. He's always hugging me, putting his arm around me, trying to make me kiss his cheek, etc...

It's so bad, when we're out together people ask me all the time if he's either my boyfriend or bodyguard.

And it's gotten annoying enough that I've brought it up, fleetingly twice, out of sheer frustration.

Anyways, as soon as he found out I was into his best friend he put the flirt on overdrive.

And see, I thought we were past all that so I didn't take a lot of it seriously at first.

I made a pass on his best friend after one of the shows. Things took off.

And it was nice going out with a guy who I really really liked for a change. I'm always going out with blokes who are either (not to be concieted) not in my league or have nothing in common with me.

It gotten tiresome.

So, we were dating loosely for about a month and a half and things we're actually starting to look a little... serious. Meaning, we were building a repor. We knew each others schedules relatively well, saw each other about twice a week, held hands in public. (I have done that since my divorce 4 years ago!) And I was really happy about this and apparently he was, too because one day at practice my guitarist said that his friend told him we'd been going out and that things were feeling serious.

I - being - a girl turned bright red and started grinning. I mean, I had noticed Jamie was being more flirtatious again and I had even noticed him talking shit about his best friend to me, obviously to stop me from liking him. But, I really didn't think it was anything to worry about. I figured, he's my band mate, we've been playing together a while now, we went camping together for chrissakes, he's my friend, and your friend would be happy to see you happy, even if it's not the reason to be happy they've had in mind.

I guess I was wrong, though. Because the next day his best friend and some of his friends met me at work to bring me some extra nail files. And everything was cool until my guitarist suddenly showed up.

He didn't say 'hi' to me and he didn't say 'good-bye'. But, after he left his friend started acting all wierd. And after he got kind of blotto he asked me to go outside with him.

But, then he asked if he could kiss me and I knew something was up, because he's not the kind of guy who asks shit like that, and he kept rubbing his sideburns, which I know he does when he's nervous. So, we were making out some and then he told me that my guitarist gave him an ultimatum that either he stops seeing me or they stop being friends.

This is where I'm really heartbroken.

No. 1: He's supposed to be my friend and he intentionally hurt me! Shallow!

No. 2: They'd been best friends for over a decade and my guitarist was willing to throw it all away over a girl?! Shallow!

No. 3: We're not talking about teenage boys here, people. These are men in their 30's! Acting like babies.

Of course, I told him

"I guess that's that, then."

Then really quickly he said he didn't care if I didn't care. But, that was so godawful I pretended not to hear it.

'If I can't have her no one can!' What're we 15 here? I couldn't believe it! I mean, couldn't he have just sucked it up for six months and let us have our fun? And what kind of a friend would do something like that?!

Anyways, to make matters worse, today, at practice, he still kept trying to flirt with me (though I was visibly infuriated) and even tried to get me to go out to a bar with him after practice! What a dillhole!!!

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Nutshell Version: Doesn't Really Explain It, But You Get The Jest.

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I had a crush on my guitarists best friend. But, my guitarist had a crush on me, unrequitted. We kissed a couple times before I got up the guts to turn him down. Things went back to normal.

Various things - girlfriends/boyfriends/breakups/extended vacations, etc... got in the way of his best friend and I hooking up until about a month and a half ago.

I made the first move.

My guitarist immeadiately started talking shit to me about his best friend behind his back and became increasingly over-protective of me to a humiliating point.

His best friend and I were starting to get serious and really liked each other.

My guitarist gave his best friend (of 11 years) an ultimatum: either he stops seeing me or their no longer friends.

(Now, you really have to read the end of the rant part from here on:

This is where I'm really heartbroken.

No. 1: He's supposed to be my friend and he intentionally hurt me! Shallow!

No. 2: They'd been best friends for over a decade and my guitarist was willing to throw it all away over a girl?! Shallow!

No. 3: We're not talking about teenage boys here, people. These are men in their 30's! Acting like babies.

Of course, I told him

"I guess that's that, then."

Then really quickly he said he didn't care if I didn't care. But, that was so godawful I pretended not to hear it.

'If I can't have her no one can!' What're we 15 here? I couldn't believe it! I mean, couldn't he have just sucked it up for six months and let us have our fun? And what kind of a friend would do something like that?!

Anyways, to make matters worse, today, at practice, he still kept trying to flirt with me (though I was visibly infuriated) and even tried to get me to go out to a bar with him after practice! What a dillhole!!!

Cheers,

Lost

[This message has been edited by LostCause (edited 12-09-2004).]

don't know if i have any advice for you. but its sad thats for sure.

go find a real man would probably be favourite, one who will put the two of them in their place and get things back to a semblance of normality.

Yea. I was really unimpressed with how his friend handled the situation.

It's really sad to see grown men, friends, acting this way.

Cheers,

Lost

I read the long version, just to let you know.

If I were you I would approach the guitarist and tell him exactly what you feel, and that you know about his blackmail and it disgusts you. You could use his crush to your advantage a little and say you could never love somone who would do somthing like that (hopefuly make him retract it).

And this guy of yours obviously cares for you and you for him, don't play the martr and tell him his friendship is more important, it's not your duty to back down here.

That's all I can really think of but I hope it all works out, god knows you deserve some sunshine.

All the best- CatharticWeek.

That sucks. I can't think of any advice because I'm a shallow asshole.

ya, as Cathartic said, you should confront your guitarist about it...tell him what you really feel...and dont really hold back....and you should talk to his best friend about it...about how you feel with the whole situation.

Best of luck Lost Cause!

the thing about me is...

if someone did that to me, he'd get a right hook to the jaw and it'll be over.

but im not a girl. IMO you SHOULD confront him. dont do it with the aim to be kind either, he's acting like somebody my age would act, and IM even disgusted at it.

you need to get your point across, etc.

or do what they do in the movies and leave them both to wallow in sorrow.

quote:Originally posted by LostCause:

I'm not attracted to him



quote:Originally posted by LostCause:



Shallow!



this entire post boils down to this. karma is a bitch. you were a cunt to first guy, hes now a cunt to you.

quote:Originally posted by mrman383:

this entire post boils down to this. karma is a bitch. you were a cunt to first guy, hes now a cunt to you.

I see where you get that, but I really don't think letting him kiss me two or three times before getting the guts up to say 'no' warrants him doing something like this.

I mean, this guy fucks every willing groupie he can get his hands on, but wont even let me talk to anybody, and jinxed my whatever with his friend. It adds extra sting because I haven't even liked anyone since January, and that guy killed himself.

Ick.

I have work.

Cheers,

Lost

have you ever thought about how the guy feel?

he obviously like you a lot and fuck, what more do you want from him? the worst feeling in the world is seeing your best friend going out with someone you like.

you want him to just sit back and admit defeat? as far as i was taught, a real man never gives up without putting up a fight, especially things that matters. i would be ready to fight anyone who wants to compete with me.

maybe he's over-protective of you, and that really has to stop. just tell him straight out there is nothing, and never will be anything between you and him. and stop being so damn close to him and letting him do all these stuff, it's giving him the wrong signal

but understand that maybe he didn't turn against his best friend because he's shallow, he did it because you meant more to him than the friendship does. that's his choice, it was what i chose as well when the girl i like has a crush on my friend. (and even though we appear to hate each other, we don't actually.)

some people think passion is a mental illness

I actually found the nut shell version too long and didn't read it.

Ask him if he'd prefer you wear a Huge Strap-on or if he'd like a nice Butt Plug, or both.

How many Guitarists do you know or have read about who didn't get High School Chicktion, because they were in their b-rooms making their fingers bleed? They never really lose their geek social awkwardness.

He has spent too much time watchin' your Butt & has developed a fixation. How does he figure the group would work after the inevitable romantic breakup?

Dating people you work with might be OK before the usual Break-up, but what about after? It can help with getting Publicity, ala White Stripes.

Cool Publicity is good, if your Heart isn't too trampled also.

Hey, get a "Sanction Circle" to wear on your Butt. So when you're around him & he looks, make that *Compulsively Stares*, at your Butt, he is confronted by the Universal No: a Circle with Diagonal Line.

When you catch him Staring...point at the Circle & give him a questioning look, to see if he gets it.

Of course, if I was spending time staring compusively at your butt & you had a circle to point to...being a dude I would prob be too obtuse to *Get It*. 'She keeps pointin' to that sign on her butt, whenever she catches me scopin' it out. I wonder what she means?'

[This message has been edited by moonmeister (edited 12-10-2004).]

i think if you really love that guitarist's best friend, you should try to let him go..

i mean let him go doesn't mean really stop seeing him.. just act angry with him for asking you that question..

and some yeah you should actually confront that guitarist guy, tell him how childish he is to act this way, and tell him that if he really love you, he should be able to let you go..

if all else fails, i think u better quit being their friends, because the faster this thing ends, the lesser pain you'll suffer in the future, trust me on this.

sometimes you have to give up things you never wanna give up now to save your own future...

The over-protective guitarist is probably never going to give up on you. The only final solution is stop seeing him anywhere for any reason.

How you handle it in the mean time may be tricky. I think I would have let the best friend tell the guitarist to piss off or vice versa. I assume you really need the gig with the band, so another solution would be to develop a relationship that the guitarist knows nothing about until it's too late for his shenanigans to scare the guy away. But, you need to evaluate how dangerous this guy is. Even if you leave the band he might stalk you. As a TOTSEan, I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase murder/suicide.

If it's not too late to rekindle the relationship with the best friend, that might be a good option. I'm not sure why it should be "so godawful" to let the chips fall where they may between the 2 guys. It's not your fault the guitarist is hung up on you.

One more possible solution - find the guitarist someone else to fixate on.

Best of luck in sorting this out and take care.

I say you tell the guitarist off like the others said. Tell him I DONT LIKE YOU, loud and in front of people, then make him run off crying. He deserves it for being a bitch.

Ya, tell the guitarist you don't like him. Tell his best friend him or me and let him decide. That may help.

quote:Originally posted by LostCause:

Long Ranting Version (Scroll Down For Nutshell Version)

He likes you, you don't like him. You led him on. You went out with his best friend.

Hmmm... whos at fault here? You.

You have been an asshole, and you reap what you sow.

quote:Originally posted by LostCause:

No. 1: He's supposed to be my friend and he intentionally hurt me! Shallow!

No. 2: They'd been best friends for over a decade and my guitarist was willing to throw it all away over a girl?! Shallow!



You're supposed to be his friend too, but you intentionally hurt him. Shallow.

You probably just act like a slut and don't realize it. You're probably sending him lots of positive signals. You can't go around kissing people you don't like and shit. Burn with Satan.