I just got shot down. Maybe I shouldn't say shot down, because she didn't say no to anything.

Basically I made a subtle move, and her reaction, although not overtly negative, did show me there was nothing further to be accomplished. A shame women in my country are so open to the point of carelessness about the signs they give off.

But to the point. In seventeen years I have been shaped to resist such things. It all started when I was ten, and to this day, little has changed.

To put it simply, in every year I would start to like a girl, and I would then realise I would have no chances(either because she didn't feel attracted, or lack of timing on my part), thus nothing would happen. Such events were always followed by some chick ending up crying because I was excessively picky. Looking back now, they would have ended up in tears after breaking up, because I wouldn't turn them down, had my current self taken charge of my past decisions.

The consequences of this were no more than two - I had developed a nice, big ego. The sort that's usually present in very attractive people - aware of his/her potential but nevertheless, generally insecure. Besides that, I recently started sort of building a wall around me - to protect myself from shot downs and the occasional social embarassments. It worked. I find myself with many friends, and knowing a lot more people that I could have hoped for.

But walls of concrete still fall, do they? Indeed. So I just felt like all of that work towards becoming a better person fell to the ground, crushing me in it's path. It is not dissapointment, nor sadness, nor depression. The feeling was sheer agony and despair. With a bit of helplessness thrown in the mix. It didn't feel like "The End", but rather something beyond it.

I'd just like a damn bottle of Martini right now. While I am feeling better as I type, the shock hasn't stopped bothering me completely.

Any comments? I'd like to hear them.

If I understand this right, in general you're upset because a girl didn't react how you wanted and it wounded your pride, and made you feel that no matter how good you try and be you get shot down and you're despairing?

Going on this summary, I'd say ask her politely why she turned you down. Maybe she doesn't feel ready and it's nothing to do with you? Therefore you don't need to be sad. As for your walls, are they to protect your ego? Think, is having a big head ego better than shutting off everyone?Maybe it's good your walls came down 'cause you'll never get close to anyone with walls up. It'll hurt more to be rejected with no walls but that's a risk you'll have to take.

And while you're despairing over your hurts, always remember: they DO go away, it just takes time for something new to happen and make you happy again.

Keep on trucking ^_^ Don't this this psot helps at all, but oh well!

quote:Originally posted by Local Hero:

IBut walls of concrete still fall, do they? Indeed. So I just felt like all of that work towards becoming a better person fell to the ground, crushing me in it's path. It is not dissapointment, nor sadness, nor depression. The feeling was sheer agony and despair. With a bit of helplessness thrown in the mix. It didn't feel like "The End", but rather something beyond it.



May I ask how you became a better person while having a wall built around yourself? How is that even possible? Is that REALLY you?

Maybe I don't understand.

why she chose not to have anything to do with you is irrelavent. it wont change the situation, and its pointless in the end.

as a guy, youre going to get shot down far more than youll ever get the 'come along.' building walls is the way to deal with this. that is, unless you want to end up like ground burger.

self preservation first, the rest of the fluff shit later on down the road.

By walls, I didn't mean to say I cut of from the rest of the world, it's just that the mental processes I use to defend my general happiness became stronger, and thus, allowing me to deal with social settings smoothly. Maybe walls wasn't the right word to describe it.

Like I said, she didn't really turn me down, she just reacted negatively to a move, after weeks of leading me on. Less than twenty-four hours later, you could say it was no big deal. It doesn't mean it was nothing - I am still pissed at how things turned out, but I would guess that to be normal.

Also what I meant by improving myself was to set ego aside and learn to think from outside my limited point of view. The goal is to simply strive to come as close to perfection as humanly possible, personality wise. Nedless to say that despite having learned a lot more than the average seventeen year old, I am still very far from a level I am comfortable with.

Local Hero...maybe it was the timing of the move that she reacted to negatively?

Although you seem pretty certain about her reaction, sometimes we too can be caught off guard and react unexpectedly (even to ourselves). Then we sit back later and say to ourselves..."Why did I do that?"...as we struggle with our own 'walls'.

Indeed outcast, "Why did I do that?" has crossed my mind a lot more times than I wish it would have. I figure it's something related to timing, either she's after someone else, or maybe it was too soon for a bolder move, I thought of something of that sort right when it happened, but still...

EDIT: Minor verb tense correction.

[This message has been edited by Local Hero (edited 12-04-2004).]