Some background info....

8th grade produced a big change in me, I'm not talking about pubic hairs, I'm talking about a big reality check. I couldn't stand anyone, I felt everyone was stupid and everything anybody did was just boring and petty. Nobody had any meaning to them, they were all plastic, I was alone and nobody understood. But hey, passing notes all the time and worrying all day about "he said/she said", "oo he likes me" "Dude I fucked her" is fine for some people. Someone absorbed in a shallow life(everyone in 8th grade at the time) will not understand someone trying to talk about deeper things.

What this means is that no longer could I just date a normal girl, I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand all the stupid stuff middle school dating included. It was as if I grew up and everyone else stayed the same. Absolutely horrible.

Things got better, people grew up and I went out with two girls. I was desperate and my mind played tricks on me both time. Not to mention the feelings that flattery can arouse played a big part in what I thought was "love".

Alright, now that you have a little bit of back ground info, here's my current situation. I've not been with anyone for almost exactly a year. The last person I was with hurt me bad and ended up being a stupid slut. Nothing like I perceived her. I learned a lot, but also gained a dislike towards things labeled as relationships, and a lack of trust in my abilitiy to distinguish if a person was really what I was looking for. So, now a year later, I'm pimpin it out and finding a couple girls attracted to me. I like to think I have a nice personality, and some people actually think I'm pretty cute. I don't, but that's another story.

Anwyay, some of these girls are great, they understand and often agree with my ideas and things on life. My ways of going about things(I won't bore you by typing out my ideas on life and love and all). And they have similar ones themselves. At least one girl.

THe other two are just good, intelligent people. I have things in common with them too, but not as much as the one girl.

Okay, so maybe that was all just background info too. Whatever.

Anyway, I went to hang out with the first girl today, figuring it'd be fun and a good move on my part. Well, it was pretty cool and as we sat on the couch together things slowly developed into rubbing and some kissing, but mostly just cuddlin and shit. That's cool with me. I'm getting more and more into her it seems, but for some reason I'm just not there yet. It's not a genuine attraction. We broke the rules.

I wanted to be good buddies who grow to love each other and eventually have a climatic kiss. I didn't want it to happen in one day, it just did. Don't get me wrong, we talk all the time. So it wasn't like we just met. I was just hoping for some more time for feelings to develop.

And here I am, still waiting. I like the girl, but I'm not laying down in my bed going "Oh my god she's wonderful". She is though, just not perfect, and I can't grasp that for some reason. I need more than just a great person with similar attitude towards thigns. I need other stuff. But what? What do I need? Other girls have had it, and I still never felt for them.

Why can't I feel for anyone? Sometimes I do feel something though, as I did on the couch earlier, but it went away just as soon as it came. It comes back in phases.

There are other girls that have been great and I've not felt for either. It's always just a feeling of disillusionment as I find out they're not my dream girl.

But, what is my dream girl? I dont' know. That's the problem.

Dont' tell me I'm gay. There's guys out there that are really cool, and there's absolutely no attraction. And, I've given it a chance. I didn't just completely reject the idea. I'm just not attracted to guys, that's all.

As for the kissing thing, the girl is horrible. Her intimacy isn't what I was looking for. I was kinda looking for a more dominant girl or something it seems. I want someone to kiss me, not me to kiss them. I've never been kissed, always been the kisser. Or it was together.

Oh, and she's horrible at making out I mean. She just stuck her tongue in there and it sucked. I dont' even like making out much, but she just ruined it. I'd rather do the long passionate lip sucking thing.

Fuck it, this sucks and I needed to rant. I don't care if I get flamed or whatever. Some insight would be nice, advice or whatever, but this is totse. I use it more for ranting than to get good advice.

quote:Originally posted by cookiemnstr8me13:



I couldn't stand anyone, I felt everyone was stupid and everything anybody did was just boring and petty. Nobody had any meaning to them, they were all plastic,

That is exactly how I feel about your post.

If you want advice from teens.. try www.gaiaonline.com (http://www.gaiaonline.com) You'll get flames, but lots of good responses too.

Don't worry man; most teens are highly narcissistic in their outlook, and it takes some major hits to the pride to snap them out of it. Once you've hit some real depression or fealt some major pain, you'll feel empathy, then you'll kick out of the shit and be able to feel love.

And I know where you're coming from with the kissing; I can't stand bad kissers...it's the easiest damn thing in the world, but they insist on being a corpse or a fucking vaccuum.

Sorry for bringing back a post from the 6th page or so, but I've been away and haven't had a chance to reply.

Deathstyle- You're right I think. I did come off really petty and immature. I've realized recently that I'm never gonna find a perfect movie girl, and they're probably not so great anyway. I've always strived to find things perfect or wonderful like that, thinking they were meaningful and more mature or whatever, but they weren't. They were what was plastic, just like the 8th grade dating style.

Nothings going to work out how I wanted it, and I've realized I haven't been looking for anything real. It doesn't change what I was saying, I still haven't found an attraction to that girl. I'm pissed off at my self for doing anything with her without a genuine attraction too. It just sort of happened, and I hate myself for letting it.

She's great, and who knows? Something may develop, but those things take time it seems.

I really don't know, but Deathstyle is right, I've been real petty and stupid lately and everything but genuine. I need to start facing reality because things are not like the movies. I should stop waiting for them to be, and just take things how they are.

I've tried going without any relationships for a while, hoping they'd come to me sometime, but I'm sure everyone knows that after awhile you just tend to get really lonely, and start searching again.

Oh well, I'm still confused. That's life though I guess.

And OptimusPrime- I like to believe that I've felt before was major pain. It hurt horribly, and I've gone through quite a bit of depression too. I hope so at least. If all that turns out to be just scratching the surface of pain, then I don't know if I want to even attempt going through life. I will though of course. Such a masochist.

Kissing is easy too, I don't understand how people can ruin it so horribly and not even realize it. Haha, it'd be ironic if I happened to be horrible. I've been told otherwise, but you never know.

Thanks for the advice though everyone. I'll check out that site too.

[This message has been edited by cookiemnstr8me13 (edited 08-22-2004).]