1: This will probably be long.

2: This is kind of journal-ish, but it's something I don't mind sharing, and it's mostly S&A material, though it may branch a bit.

3: Don't read it if you can't handle me and my somewhat emotional thoughts.

4: Complain about any of these things, after I warned you, and I'll fucking break your neck, you whiny little pussy.

ANYWAY.

I'm just sitting here at work still, and it's a very slow night, so I'm basically just browsing the internet and chatting with the two other techs on tonight about stupid stuff; Maxim magazine vs. FHM, etc. But, there's nothing I'd rather talk about at the moment. Coworker buds are cool.

Anyway..So I read a mail from Vampire Archimiel, it's content personal to him, so fuck you, I'm not sharing it. Anyway, I'll just say that after I read it, while of course I'm very happy for him and Angela, it led me to sit back and contemplate myself, my past relationships, my current bachelorhood, the things that I want. As I've said before, I'm something of a walking ball of contradictions, in personality and in opinions and emotions. Right now, that's actually working against me: I can't goddamn figure out for sure just what it is I want. Do I want to meet a nice girl to just be friends with, and sleep with? Do I want to fall in love again? Do I want to stay single? There's so many pros and cons to each that it just fucking twists my heart around. Sure, being single is kind of nice: I'm not obligated to anyone, I can look at all the cleavage I want, I can fuck around with (were that my style) or talk to or befriend any woman I want..But god damnit, it gets lonely. Sure, I have friends, I even have female friends, I have a life, but still. I do miss having a partner. I miss holding a warm body in my arms, I miss getting kissed, I miss being "everything" to that special someone, I miss, well, a lot of things, not to mention the sex. I miss being in love, and being with someone who's in love with me. I even miss Kelly. But no, I don't miss the person she became or the great sex or the anything: I miss who she was. I miss the good times, when we were just friends. After we broke up, the friend side of her was exactly what I needed to console me, and I'd also lost that. But she isn't really the issue; I'm not entirely over the time we spent together, and part of me will always love and miss a part of her, but I'm also over her enough to not be suicidal, amotivational, crying, jealous, angry, depressed like I was three months ago or so. As I said, she isn't really the issue, but just something I still look back on sometimes.

As for a close female friend with privileges? 80% of the time, this is just the goddamn optimal woman for me: Someone to talk to, confide in, be happy with, but not be IN LOVE with; a girl who trusted and cared for me, that I trusted and cared for, a good, solid friendship free of all the destructiveness and obligations and bitterness and jealousy and bullshit associated with love (focusing on the negative here); a "relationship" that was profound, in which we could enjoy each other's bodies, even, but who I wouldn't be jealous at all of, if she were to date someone else or what have you..Basically, Kelly, before we fell into the Abyss of Romance. This is just a comparison, mind you.

Good god, that would be nice. As I said, I already have female friends, but I've had them forever: It would be nice to have a little change, you know? I feel like a dickhead saying that, but I don't mean to say my existing ladyfriends are "old", or anything: Just that a new person to spice things up a bit is just what I need.

Yet, I want love. I want that intimacy, I want to share myself with someone, I want someone to share herself with me. I want to be with someone I can marry later on down the road, have children with, grow old with, die with; I want to experience love and all it's beauty again, and not it's ugliness and the intense pain it's brought me. I'm no fucking idiot - I know that a relationship is the goddamn most detrimental thing for me right now, but it's just, I wish it would enter my life again.

My problem is not knowing what the fuck I want or where I'm going. Do I want to stay single awhile? Do I want that friend-with-benefits? Do I want another soulmate? As I said, each has it's pros and cons. I'm not going to allow myself to get into another relationship right now, but I don't want to be single forever. I may want that new female friend, and admittedly, sex partner, but aside from all the good in it, it just seems so..ill-fitting of me. In spite of my past experiences and oft-exhibited attitudes, I'm actually fairly serious about who I'll share myself physically with; I'm past the days where I'll just fuck anyone. My sexual morality consists of this: I want to know, trust, and care about, in SOME form or another (this can be a lighthearted friendship or intense romance), any woman I sleep with. I've lived by this for a long time now, but as I've said, part of me wants to just pick up a slut and have a meaningless night of filthy, hot sex (of course, we'd be honest with each other about it, to avoid complications or hurt feelings), and the other part wants to save myself for the woman I'm going to marry. I may not be a virgin, but part of me feels so dirty about sleeping with anything but "the one" for me, whoever she may be.

But god damnit, I don't want romantic, passionate, soulmate sex right now, it's too fucking complicated...But it's also so nice.

I just know that, either way, I'm sick of the status quo and I'm also sick of my little habit (fuck you, it's going to get mentioned, like it or not. Shut it). After the Kelly thing, and after I realized how methamphetamine allowed me to feel semi-normal again, and allowed me to quit fucking thinking about and hurting over everything for more than five minutes, whereas previously those thought-loops I'd get into would ruin an ENTIRE day, I made the decision to just use the shit out of it. I know it'll fuck my body and mind up, and eventually kill me, I told myself. But I didn't care: It ALSO gave me some motivation and, as I said, allowed me to feel normal and even happy again. I told myself that no matter what the fuck it was doing to me, it could never damage me; damage my heart, as much as my schism with her did. I'd also had about $1,300 in cash that I was free to blow, so before I knew it, I was sniffing speed through $100 bills and buying whatever the fuck I wanted. I bought guns (A WWII-era G43 sniper rifle), I bought clothes, I bought dope. I spent probably about $600 of that $1,300 on meth. These were, on the surface, good days, believe it or not. But I was still missing something inside. Somewhere along the line, I started injecting my speed intramuscularly, because it lasted so much longer, and was more economical. This is something I couldn't fathom myself doing regularly even six months back, but now that I'm here, I don't really have any regrets. I figured that as long as I injected cleanly, properly and safely, I'd be ok. Hell, it was probably less-damaging than snorting, believe it or not. I never suffered any ill-effects from it, hence why I have no regrets.

And then, inexorably, came IV injection. Thankfully, after trying it, it's not something I find fun or worthwhile enough to end up addicted to, so I've stopped that shit, but for awhile, I was doing it, on my weekly (plus a few days) tweaks. As I've said, I'm slowly tapering myself off the yaba, and I still am, but when tweak-time comes around, I was slamming.

Sure, it felt fucking good to feel myself already beginning to tweak, before I'd even gotten half the shot in. I thought it was neat how my body has developed a Pavlovian response to needles: When I'm mixing a shot, my hands get ice-cold. Speed does that, it makes your hands and feet icy-cold, but it had progressed from that to a conditioned response of my body to an impending slam. The "God damn, I'm hopelessly hooked" thoughts never entered my mind.

But I still despise needles. I fucking hate feeling the sting on my skin, watching the point slide in, feeling first my subcutaneous fat layer and then my vein give way to the needle. It disgusts me, it makes me cringe, it fucking sucks...But still, it's not any kind of pain at all, compared to what I'd felt inside; that deep void in my soul and heart that is the main reason I ever decided to let a needle pierce my arm.

But...No amount of meth is or ever will be adequate replacement for love. For happiness. For a partner. Most importantly, for contentment. This, along with the concern of more than one person I care about for my health, is why I'm breaking the habit, albeit slowly. I may love my tweaks, but they're not worth causing Kacy or my father the worry and/or pain that they do; they're, as I said, no replacement for what I really want. I'm sure you'll hear every druggie say it, but I'm more than capable of quitting. You may all think I'm full of shit, but I went from 4 big muscle-slams a day (couple months ago) to NOTHING, voluntarily, and I maintained that for two weeks. I got sick of the eternal somnolence and hunger that amphetamine withdrawal brought me, though, so I decided to taper. I don't care what anyone says; it takes a fucking lot of discipline to go from heavy usage like mine to 3-4 IM's a WEEK (that is, roughly, a new $30-$50 sack purchased each week). Then a week and one day. Then a week and two. Now, I'm at ten days.

Today is my tenth day. Today, I purchased $70 worth of meth..But when I got it, I just had no desire whatsoever to use any. I'd been a bit eager when I woke up to tweak again, but now that I have the sack, I'm just apathetic about it. Even in between, I don't think about it much at all. I just have a drink now and again, enjoy eating whatever I want, go to work, post on Totse, go out with friends, what have you, and that's all I need. At one point, it was "goddamnit, my days suck without speed". Now, it's "Speed's nice, but I can have great times without it".

I'm on the upswing, and now I know I can free myself from it for sure. This makes me happy..Having NO meth in me makes me happy, instead of being incapable of happiness without having a shitload of it in me.

Good days are ahead of me..But right now, they're not here, and I'm feeling a bit lost. But I'll be fine. If my experience of profound heartbreak didn't kill me; if the gradual and extremely painful dissolution of the deep and beautiful love I shared with her for six years (and friendship for even longer) and all the damage it did to me didn't kill me; if heavy methamphetamine use, even with needles, didn't consume my life or destroy me, nothing will. I WILL be myself again, and I will find contentment again, and love again, when the time is right.

I may be feeling a bit lost, but...I'll find my way, or make it. Now you see why I have "Aut viam inveniam aut faciam" (I'll find the way or make it) tattooed on my shoulder. Now you see why I'll viciously defend myself when I'm told I'll be a speed freak for life, and why I don't give a god damn when I get called whiny, hyperemotional, pathetic, you name it. I'm far from any of those things. I'm a god damned intelligent, eccentric, wise, charming, sensible, logical, confident and secure person, and I know it, even if I do have flaws or if I'm not the hottest man on Earth.

I can't seem to find my way right now...So I'll MAKE my way. I'll seek and find the change I desire. I'll do what I want. I'll meet that nice ladyfriend I want. As for the rest of my answers, I'll see them when I'm supposed to. I'm the master of my own life and my own volition, even if not my fate or destiny. It's funny how, at the beginning of this post, I didn't realize that. In my outpouring of my thoughts, even here, I realized that I knew the answer to my quandary all along. Heh, this is why you should keep a journal, if you don't already.

Anyway, enough from me, now. If you read all this, thank you, and don't feel sorry for me, pity me, or even pay attention to me. I'm just using Totse as my own journal again. Sure, I may do it because I hope maybe it'll give some insight to anyone who might read it, or help you all understand me a little better, or if nothing else, serve as a good read, but you know, I'll admit, I also do it just because it pisses a lot of the more-idiotic Totizenry off. Heheheh. Same reason I keep typing long posts.

Anyway, yeah, so that's my state of mind and heart at the moment. Post whatever the hell you want here; conjecture, opinion, flames, links to livejournal.com, whatever. But please try to refrain from sympathy or advice, if you would.

I'll just keep living by the day, but for my future. Only a few more steps to Outer Heaven - I mean, contentment. Sorry, I just think Metal Gear Solid kicked ass.

-Infrared/Bleedthrough

Speaking of games; you should all go play "American McGee's Alice". Kicks ass. Beautifully-arranged music. One big acid-trip.

[This message has been edited by Bleedthrough (edited 07-28-2004).]

I feel what you're saying because I'm in a similar place right now as well. Where you don't know whats next and you turn to wanting to just fill the hole mindlessly. Whether its cheap thrills or starting something balanced and meaningful. I find myself just wanting to go out and have a good time mindlessly even though I know its not something that I really want. But I find that when you have a desire for something like this and neglect it, I just end up filling it in other ways. I've come to realize that you cannot depend on anything else for happiness but yourself. I think that after I make my peace with myself, I'll be truely capible of sharing this place with someone else.

Do whatever you want with this. When I speak my mind like this I wonder if it makes any sense. Whatever. The way out is through.

Infra, good read man.

I can relate to you in a lot of ways, and it made me realize some things about myself with my past drug usage... I was hooked on cocain and crack for about a year and a half.. SOmetimes upwards of 1/4 oz a night..

I've always been the looner kind of guy. My mom died when I was 16 leaving me with my crackhead dad with whom I had to live with until I turned 18, who which-in-turn kicked me out on my birthday. But living with him, I found an escape in lots of drugs including Weed, any pills I could get my hands on, mushrooms, cocain, crack, heavy drinking and so on.

So, I moved to Florida, having forgot about my dad, starting on a clean slate after voluntarily quitting coke/crack. I still maintained a small to none group of friends whom I did not trust. (One motherfucker actually stole 300 bucks from me).

So, I'm in Florida, and I meet this girl. It takes me a year to get close enough to her and wait for her to break up with her boyfriend after about 8 months of convincing. She goes out with me. It lasted 3 months, and they were great. (I say 3 months, but it was really 4, the 4th month was garbage though.) So, naturally I fall in love. I come to the conclusion that she is still in love with one of her ex boyfreinds from a year or two ago who she doesn't even speak to. I break up with her one night becuase of some stupid argument we are having, blah blah blah.

The following day, she comes back and we have this close heart to heart which involved a lot of crying etc. I tell her I would take her back when she is ready for a relationship with me, because she apparently wasn't ready for anything serious. But i told her I will wait for you. This idea must have lasted in her head for about a week. After that, she starts talking about whoever she wan'ts to marry at work and nonsense like that. Now, I'm still living with her, and I have to talk to her every fucking day, and it hurts bad. I find myself being such a dickface for no apparent reason just becuase of my own pain. I keep waiting for her to change her mind, but realistically it's not going to happen. We've even talked about it on a few occasions. So, I'm trying my hardest to get over this shit, I even smoked weed the other day, and got piss ass drunk, something I haven't done in w awhile. This chick made me hate girls. I can't even look at women anymore, I'm disgusted with the fact that I assume they are all scandelous. In my eyes she was the image of perfection, and not so much is anymore, which is why I don't understand why I'm putting myself through this. I don't fuckign know but I'm tired of typing.

/rant

as for the whole jumping into another realtionship thing... I'm kind of used to being alone, but I do miss the closeness like a motherfucker. I'm sayin stay solo until someone comes along who's too good to pass up. (and not sex-wise, I could'nt give a damn any less about sex.)



[This message has been edited by Psychotogen (edited 07-28-2004).]

Maybe we should meet, say "fuck it" and smoke bowls and swig 40's together or something.

As for my sexual craving, I should point out that it's secondary in all this; just that I have a motherfucker of a drive, and not getting laid, even if it is kind of by choice, is just another reason my situation pisses me off.

where do you live dude? I'm down for gettin' shit faced. We can encourage eachother to pick up some chicks.

"PUSSY, Your just scared to do her"

Last week about this day i commented that you do these weekly

Not saying anything against your writing or your ideas. Just that i was right.

Touching, Infra. Thanx for the insight - we could all use a little, right?

ModelFifteen

Thomas, I am both pleased and honored that my letter to you inspired you in such a way. Thank you for keeping the events of that letter private. If not that I KNOW I would get nothing but a headache from the idiots on this board, I'D post it in S&A.

You have learned a great thing by typing this. Although drug use can cause temp. happiness and good times, it will not last. True happiness comes from the heart, and that is the kind of happiness that won't wear off in a few hours.

You have progressed a lot in your drug use, and take this for what its worth, but I'm very proud of you for what you've done. There have been people get on drugs and become HOPELESSLY addicted to them, with no way whatsoever of escaping.

I want to share with you, a drug story of my own. I know your thinking, 'Wait a minute, Vamp never even so much as smoked a cig in his life', very true. However, my father is terminally ill, and in a GREAT amount of pain. They gave him a bottle with over 200 Hydrocodone in it to ease his pain a bit. I must confess, that I'd take 2 at a time (I forget the mg dosage of each pill) for whenever I'd have a bad tooth or headache.

After taken them for a bit, I got the funny feeling I may become physically addicted if I didn't stop using them, so I did. Perhaps I saved myself a great deal of trouble in the future, perhaps not.

The point is though, that sometimes, people don't recognize a habit forming until its already there, but that doesn't make you a 'junkie' or a bad person.

You've seen the way Thomas, now its up to you to follow it.

Regards,

V. Archimiel

Shameless bump.

Vamps, you got AIM?

quote:Originally posted by Infrared:

Shameless bump.

Vamps, you got AIM?

Yea, but I got to get it back online. My screen name is 'thankyouboom'.

Its an old joke, I'll tell you about it sometime.

P.s. Get Y! Msgr, I use it 100x more.

Ok, Vamp, cool.

As for Yahoo, though, I don't have it, and can't get it, thanks in part to Windows XP and in part to my own lushism (I made that up): I lost my Administrator's password for XP long ago, like an idiot, so now I'm stuck logging in on the "Friends" username, on my own damn computer. I can get online and such, but I can't download new stuff without the Admin passlock. Fuck you, Bill Gates.

I would SO download Limewire right now, if I could. Then Yahoo.

I'll see about getting AIM back up and running tonight.

Infra I'd like to introduce you to my good friend weed...

Though I must say that weed is beginning to look appealing to me again, finally, being stoned when you're feeling down sucks ass for me. You already know my thing is speed, and a lot of it, at least before. Now, as I detox, though, as I said, weed and other drugs are starting to look fun again. Right now, I'd take mushrooms over meth. Tweaking does begin to suck after awhile.

I read the whole thing, and it made me feel a bit sad to start with. it made me sad because it has a lot of simlilarities to my life. But you're right, if you can't find your way make it, and we may be whiny, hyperemotional or pathetic to others, but we can always be witty, intelligent, charming and beautiful to ourselves. I'd like to think i was an optimist, but that would just be lieing to myself. But i am only what i choose to be. Infrared, you'll live. And since you've come to the realisation yourself, you know it's not a lie.

Fucking right I'll live; as I've said, I'm still breathing, so I'm still alive. Also as I've said, I'm something of a paradoxical and contradictory entity, which is why sitting back and contemplating these things bothers me. I'm in need of a little direction, here, but I can find it. It's best for me to not try and figure me out, as it stands now. And don't be sad, either; I'm not. Not now.