This was easy when I was a teenager. My boyfriend's parents were always "Mr Lastname" and "Mrs Lastname", except in the case of one liberal-minded divorcee that went by Roz.

However, now, I'm older, and definitely not a teenager, and I still have no idea what to call my fiance's parents. My contemporaries are no help, and other forums aimed at a more "mature" audience are no help. Everyone seems divided on the issue.

For some reason, not many parents think to tell their son's/daughter's significant other how to address them. Some just go ahead and do the Mr/Mrs thing, some boldly use first names, and some, like me, don't call them anything, opting to be sure to look right at them when addressing them.

Today I had to fill out a thank you card for my fiance's parents, and since he was in a hurry this morning, he just scribbled his name at the bottom, thus making the "Mr/Mrs" awkward and the "Mom/Dad" inappropriate, since I also signed the card. I just opened with a "Hello!"

So I turn to the brighter-than-average totse crowd for views on this pressing issue. Has this come up for anyone? Have you noticed how friends or older siblings deal with this issue?

Boring old Mr./Mrs. Lastname...You don't call an Italian father by his first name. Heheh.

Get this: His name was Rocco.

I've always used the first name. That's the way they introduce themselves, that's what I'll call them.

My mom hates when people call her ma'am and Mrs. She's made it perfectly clear to all of my friends and boyfriends over the years to call her by her first name.

It's easier in the Spanish culture. Usted, ustedes is formal but not over-the-top like Mr/Mrs can be.

Why don't you just ask them? There came a point in my last relationship when I called his dad, "dad". (BTW, they were 100% Italian) *drool* Italian..

/end derail

You're engaged, you should have some sort of a relationship with his parents!

[This message has been edited by MrMojoRisin (edited 07-03-2004).]

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:

I've always used the first name. That's the way they introduce themselves, that's what I'll call them.

My mom hates when people call her ma'am and Mrs. She's made it perfectly clear to all of my friends and boyfriends over the year to call her by he first name.

It's easier in the Spanish culture. Usted, ustedes is formal but not over-the-tope like Mr/Mrs can be.

Why don't you just ask them? There came a point in my last relationship when I called his dad, "dad". You're engaged, you should have some sort of a relationship with his parents!



Spanish culture rocks. Ok, it's a little irrelevant in relation to the topic, but I got called "Mi Hijo" by my grandparents until their last days. They called me "penasquero" (that's the tilde'd N; fucked if I know how to produce it), or "rock-thrower", when I was little. I still have my famed aim with a rock, even though I'm a gun nut now.

Sorry. Just a little fond reminiscing there. To keep it on-topic: When I REALLY got to know her parents, I kind of dabbled with the first-name thing. They received it well, but I got the feeling I shouldn't keep doing it.

...Come on. Her father made fucking James Gandolfini look like Casper Van Dein.

But their daughter was my Meadow Soprano, if you get me.





[This message has been edited by Bleedthrough (edited 07-03-2004).]

Just call them Mr/Mrs then if they want to be called by thier first name they will tell you in a polite way.

If you call them Mr/Mrs then they will think your trying hard to be a polite person.

if the girl doesn't tell me what to call them, i just don't call them anything. i hate names so i avoid their use as much as humanely possible.

whenever i am bringing someone to meet my parents, i tell them to call my father "dad" and try to get them to say "hey dad!" right when they see him. it's really funny. he thinks it's funny too so it's ok. occasionally i have told them to say "what's up chuck? i'm here for your son" as a first line, but not as much as dad. and chuck is not even his name.

many people are scared to do this. but when they do it's good.

for my mom i tell them to call her mom and that it will be funny, but if they are too scared my mom always says "call me (mom's first name)" unlike my father. if they do do the mom thing she's like "(my name) told you to do that didn't he. ha ahahahah" and then she'll tell them her first name in case they would rather use it



[This message has been edited by SARDONICPILLOW (edited 07-03-2004).]

What's wrong with being polite? Just make sure you don't come off weazley while saying it.

To not call them anything is the poorest choice of all

Unless they specifically introduced themselves to you as Mr and Mrs, you should call them by their first names.

I agree, not calling them anything is a poor choice. But calling them by their first names seems presumptuous.

Gah, I'm so awkward with meeting new people who I see in an "authoritative" position. When introducing myself to a new pastor a couple of weeks ago I completely forgot my own name.

I don't really have a relationship with his parents yet, since they live in another state. I've only seen them twice, when they came to visit. They're quite nice and considerate, but I think they're also inexperienced with dealing with a new family addition.

Yes, other cultures have better ways of dealing with these things. Since I'm part Asian, I grew up calling all my parents' friends and friends' parents (the asian ones) "aunt" and "uncle" in my mother's language.

My finace sidesteps this issue with tomfoolery, suggesting I call them "buncle" and "bant" (hurrrr, a play on "uncle and aunt"...you had to be there).

Really, I usually can resolve such issues myself, but this one is keeping me up at night.

So far, I guess I'll try for the "Mr/Mrs" thing, but that feels silly, too.

quote:Originally posted by deadlycindy:

I'm part Asian





whoa

I never woulda guessed. That kicks ass.

[typical guy] You must be hot..picture? [/typical guy]

Heheh, I'll shut it now. We all knew you were hot, but the Eastern spice makes it extra-nice.

Until im told their first name, i adress them as mr/mrs and kids first name eg. when i was with my ex i met her parents and said "nice to meet you mr and mrs nikki."

it surprisingly worked, and broke the ice.

I never know what to call them at all. I end up just avoiding calling them anything, and just saying

"Hey... how are you?"

You know, just addressing them as "Hey" or "Hello."

Awkward. Especially as sooner or later I forget their names at all, as I never use them, and then someone asks to be introduced.

"Sure! Mum, this is...this....is....Mr...Steve's....Dad..."

My last girlfriend didnt live with her dad. SHe lived with her mom.

I only refered to her mom as "that fucking whore" or "That fucking cunt".

Yea, she called the cops on me alot for no reason. But normally I dont get along with the parents. Usually the dad hates me but the mom loves me. So i just try to avoid all parental contact possible. But im getting older now, and that wont be a problem much longer.

I usually go with the Mr./Mrs. "Lastname" unless they say otherwise.

The way I see it.. better to come off as being trying to be polite rather than being labled rude or offending. (Of course this assumes you actually care if the parents like you or not)

Nokio

I'd ask them, but, if you don't want to ask, just go with the "Mr./Mrs." thing. It isn't as if they are thinking "Oh my, Cindy didn't sign this calling us by the names we preferred to be called by, even though we haven't made such feelings known. I must now file this away and object with it on her wedding date to my son!!!".

I think the important thing here is to NOT let the relationship go too much further without having names for them. It's like meeting someone in a chance environment, and seeing them periodically, over and over and over... and then finally having to ask them "What's your name?"

I would opt for the first name basis. Nobody will take offense to this and will probably feel more comfortable that you're calling them something. If you call them Mr. so-and-so and Mrs. so-and-so... they might feel obliged to let you continue calling them that out of not wanting to make you feel uncomfortable, even if they don't like the salutations.

If they DO take offense to you calling them by a first name basis, you'll pick up on it, but I seriously doubt that will happen at your age, with your relationship to their son. Kids should be more formal with this but you're not a kid, you're on the same level with them, and it's not disrespectful at all to 'presume' you can address them as adults.

Now, as for you being part asian... I don't think that should have anything to do with your post/question, but you should email a pic to be sure.

I'm suprised no one has mentioned this..



ASK YOUR FIANCÉ. I mean, come on. If he doe sthe typical guy thing and goes, "uh...i dunno" ask him to find out. they're his parents, he should be able to talk to them.

If it doesnt work, ask them yourself. Try this next time you and his mom/dad are alone together or talking to each other [not in a big group chatting]:

"So Jane...or would you prefer Mrs Smith?"

except substituting appropriate names, of course. Since you're engaged, it seems reasonable to use their first names; you are becoming their daughter-in-law, after all.

hope that helped

Bah. Even as a teenager it can be extremely awkward. I just avoid having to address them. I remember with my last gal, the first time I addressed her mom it was Mrs. Lastname. They all laughed at me. The second time I addressed her mom, it was by her first name...they all laughed at me.

Can't win don't try.

EDIT: Cindy, I thought I met you over the weekend. I met a girl named Cynthia who would have been about your age, dating the lead singer of a punk band.(seems so you) And she had a tattoo of a red hour glass shape like on a black widdow on her lower black. (again, seems so you) She looked/acted exactly how I've always pictured you. Anyway, rather than ask "hey, do you post on totse?" I casually asked if she had ever spent anytime in the States, and she said she spent 5 years in Boston but that's it so I devised it couldn't have been you...

[This message has been edited by nocuous (edited 07-04-2004).]

This thread is funny.

quote:Originally posted by Chibi Shinigami:

ASK YOUR FIANCÉ.

DUH! If his is over 20, he should know from experience and if he doesn't, his parents are probably so happy that he found someone that it doesn't matter.

I usually go with Mr/Mrs whatever, but if I was closer to the parent's ages than to whoever I was with, I might reconsider.

quote:Originally posted by deadlycindy:

This was easy when I was a teenager. My boyfriend's parents were always "Mr Lastname" and "Mrs Lastname", except in the case of one liberal-minded divorcee that went by Roz.

However, now, I'm older, and definitely not a teenager, and I still have no idea what to call my fiance's parents. My contemporaries are no help, and other forums aimed at a more "mature" audience are no help. Everyone seems divided on the issue.

For some reason, not many parents think to tell their son's/daughter's significant other how to address them. Some just go ahead and do the Mr/Mrs thing, some boldly use first names, and some, like me, don't call them anything, opting to be sure to look right at them when addressing them.

Today I had to fill out a thank you card for my fiance's parents, and since he was in a hurry this morning, he just scribbled his name at the bottom, thus making the "Mr/Mrs" awkward and the "Mom/Dad" inappropriate, since I also signed the card. I just opened with a "Hello!"

So I turn to the brighter-than-average totse crowd for views on this pressing issue. Has this come up for anyone? Have you noticed how friends or older siblings deal with this issue?

Why not just ask if it's ok to call them by it?

a taxi? (to get them back home and away from you again)