For those of you not following my story, heres a brief overview(in hindsight, its not brief at all).

In my Sophmore year of Highschool I meet a girl in an art class. I got to know her a little bit through the phone and AIM, and didn't really think too much about our friendship. One day I was working in a grocery store stocking paper products on a shelf, when I suddenly realized I liked her in the "more than a friend" way, so when I got home I IM-ed her and asked her out (I was young and sheepish, gimmie a break). She said yes and a period of bliss ensues with only one breakup lasting about 2 months.

Fast forward 5 years to February 22nd 2004, and the ultimate doom of the relationship. While there was no incident that prompted the break-up (i.e. cheating, etc), it couldn't have been nastier if a semi had run full bore through a field of week old kittens. She stated many reason for breaking-up and none of them made sense, except for the fact that she wanted to try new things. I could accept this answer because I knew she hadn't gotten a chance to date much in high school and I was the only love she'd ever had. The friendship crumbled, and I sank into a maddening depression. I didn't leave my room at school for a week, and only left periodically to eat and goto class for about a month and a half after.

Durning my Spring recess I was still in terrible shape, but was slowly on the road to recovery. That was until I got wind that one of my best friends from High School had slept at her house and they had spent a "romantic evening" together. Of course this was less than two weeks after we had broken-up. Well I wish I could have gotten a chance to mull this over but instead I had to drive to St. Louis with my family, and we live in New York. On the entire way there I contemplated suicide, and tried to kill myself a few times. When I got home, after a very painfull journey, I signed myself up for therapy, and just tried to ride out the rest of the School year.

I ended up with a terrible grade this semester and as a result I almost lost my RA job, which would have effectively cut me out of school due to funding issues. When the summer hit I was just happy to be away, but then I relaized that I had no friends at home since I had dedicated such a massive amount of time to her, I got more depressed. I got a job and worked out a lot and was starting to feel better. I was getting over her and had begun to feel like I did before I lost her. I didn't date anyone just because I didn't feel ready (and the lack of offers didn't help either [for some reason noone wants a 20 year old depressed kid]), and I have basically been spending the summer working. I see her online sometimes and talk to her, although it often ends with us fighting, which is sometimes my fault, sometimes hers. I have yet to see her since the break-up, and haven't heard her voice in a long time.

TODAYS ISSUE:

So I was talking to her today, and I was feeling good. I had gotten to the point where I wanted to rebuild at least a friendship, and maybe see her face to face. Suddenly, she tells me theres someone else shes building a relationship with. I played it as cooly as humanly possible, but for the first time in months I cried. I went on to talk about how we should still try to develop a friendship and she said that she had tried so hard in the past and I had always been so resistant to it (its true I was, but I was so heartbroken that I got to the point where I hated her and didn't even want to think about her). She asked me why she should try to re-establish a friendship and I blatantly told her "because you still care", after a few minutes passed she told me she had to go and signed off without so much as a goodbye. What pisses me off is that I know its true, that she does still care very much, but shes more enticed by what the rest of the world has to offer.

Im obviously upset that she has a boyfriend, but what really ticks me off is that she loves me and won't admit it. Every so often she lets it shine through, and I catch her on it and she quickly tries to hide it. I know its there, and I can't do a damd thing about it.

I really want to be her friend, but I will not be standing in the background while she hangs around her new boyfriend, or while she flirts with other guys, I just love her too much and Im too much of a jelous heart. So I've basically got to choose between swallowing my pride and being the silent type who loves her won't tell her or kick her to the side of the road and forget about her.

I don't want to forget her because like I said, I love her a lot, and she does too, but she deserves a chance to find out what she wants (and so do I). I'm more than willing to say fuck it, but Im much more interested in getting my love back.

So what do you all think? Has anyone gone through this before? Cindy, have you ever done this to a guy and did you eventually go back to him? Give me your input, especially if you think there are alternate solutions.

[This message has been edited by TerraSanctus (edited 06-26-2004).]

Lemme sum this up:

"I was in love with a girl, she dumped me, and I'm having a hard time choosing wether or not to be friends with her. What should I do?"

One paragraph, compared to your gazillion.

Cool! Infra leaves and in comes this guy! At least you are not whining about your long lost love. O wait, you are.

My grandpa gave me this advice once

"if you ever get stuck on a girl, go out and fuck 10 others that are hotter, funnier, sexier, and have a better sense of humor. Then if you still want the girl, marry her."

Live by it. Words from a wise, wise man.

^^^ Above 2 posters... no doubt.

topic starter, try being a little more concise, no one wants to read through that much verbal diarrhea to offer you help, this IS totse, with the collective intelligence of a stack of 2x4's.

You've just gotta chill out a bit man. I don't think anything in life is worth getting upset over, especially killing yourself over you only get one life, but sometimes I know you can't help it, happens to everyone.

You should just leave it alone for a while, don't call her, block her on AIM or whatever instant messenger and stay away. After a few weeks or more if she doesn't contact you first, just start talking to her over the internet again and it should be different after a few weeks of no communication at all. If she's still the same just fuck it and try not to stress yourself out too much.

Let's not be this way, guys. Remember, no one's forcing anyone to read and respond to any posts here.

quote:Originally posted by TerraSanctus:

Im obviously upset that she has a boyfriend, but what really ticks me off is that she loves me and won't admit it. Every so often she lets it shine through, and I catch her on it and she quickly tries to hide it. I know its there, and I can't do a damd thing about it.

Honestly, I suspect this is wishful thinking on your part. You may be misinterpreting her words and thought pauses. She probably leaves things unsaid, but they may not be what you think they are.

Did you read the thread by Memorex? http://www.totse.com/bbs/Forum4/HTML/008368.html

It reminds me of your situation, except he's just at the very beginning of letting go.

You haven't been able to let go yet. You need to. People grow and evolve, and many things change. Whatever made the relationship work before doesn't work now. You can't go back, ever.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh and hopeless. Rather, it lets you off the hook. You're probably thinking there's something you're just not doing right and that's the reason you can't get back together with her. Nope, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her.

Ever since the split, you two have been at different places in your lives. She was already seeking the company of others and perhaps trying to make peace and be friends with you. But perhaps you weren't agreeable to that because you wanted the relationship back. So now you're perhaps ready for the friendship, whereas she is now perhaps tired of trying and has willed herself to move on.

I left my first love under similar circumstances, but we were only together for 8 months. I recognized even at age 16 that I needed to move on and interact with other people. He tried valiantly to "win" me back, but I eventually had to act bitchy to him to get him to let go. I haven't had one single successful "get back together" situation, though I've done it a number of times.

Let go of the hope of getting back together. Your time and energy are much better spent moving forward, not looking backward. You'll be okay.

Whiteass: Yeah, except I've been here a lot longer than he has. Im what they like to call a super troll.

Cindy: She tells me she loves me and then adds on "just not in that way anymore." Now it may be my brain can only handle one perception of love, but it seems to me that when you've had the same sorted history we've had, you shouldn't use that word unless you use it in its right context. Not to try to work her words into my favor or anything, but I just think she shouldn't say anything if she can't mean it.

Also, I'm more than willing to grow and evolve but for months shes been pestering me about our friendship, and when I'm finally emotionally stable enough to accept it she tells me she doesn't want it. Like I said, Im perfectly accepting of her dating (yeah it hurts like a bitch but I can't do anything about it), it just hurts knowing she actually does care a lot for me.

I've also accepted that shes moved on, but I keep hearing from everyone, and I've convinced myself, that she'll come back to me because I treated her right. I just kind of naturally assume she'll end up with some dog and he'll take advantage of her and I'll be the fallout guy. As much as that sounds like it sucks, I kinda want it to happen just because she would be relying on me not the other way around.

Bah, I'm just in a shitty mood now, I'll hopefully feel better tommorow. Thanks for everything so far, and keep it coming. Hopefully I'll have more to update later.

My best advice I can think of is to totally cut her out of your life for awhile. Make sure you can't contact her and go out of your way to meet up with new people. Soon enough you'll find that you're at the point where you don't want to be in a romantic sort of relationship with her, and at that time you may actually be able to become friends. It should also give her enough time to cool down from you being so stuck on her.

Also remember that, as stupid as it may sound, there are tons of people to swoon over. You must be at least in your young 20's, so you've got a shitload more of life to live. Don't get all hung up on a girl you grew to love during your hormonal teenage years.

its over bro, cut the ties and move on. just like other chapters of your life, this one has been written, and history.

quote:Originally posted by malaria:

My best advice I can think of is to totally cut her out of your life for awhile.



It worked for me, im sure it will work for you buddy.

Loser.

The best way to get over someone is by going out with someone else. Emotions can be extremely flexible in the right state of mind. You'd be amazed what you can talk your self into, or in this case, out of.. love.

Without knowing details, I would guess that you only wanted to try the friends thing after you realized she's moving on. I think, when she wanted to be friends, you were pushing the offer away because you wanted more. Now that she's giving up on you completely, you want to hang on to anything you can grab. Not good. (This happens quite often.)

She's found someone that catches her interest. That doesn't mean she's replacing you or getting married, it means she's testing the waters. She's not doing it to hurt you, she's doing it for her. Let her live her life.

They say, if you love something let it go. If it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. You cannot make her love you, she has to do that by herself. The more you try to hold her down the more she's going to try to get away. And what satisfaction would anyone have out of a forced relationship? Would you be happy with her if you knew she wanted out? As far as you can control things, it's better you guys break up and not speak for a while.

Think of it as a test. How much better will your love be if she comes back AFTER being with other people? What if she does finally decide she wants you? That means she still believes you are the best for her. Or she can opt to not get back with you. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Regardless, you have to give her space. Everyday you talk to her, you're setting yourself back another day you'll have to wait to know what the final verdict will be. I know it sounds nuts but there'll have to be a couple of months of non-communication before you find out her intentions (and probably before she finds out.)

I'm sure she'll always care about you. But caring doesn't yield unconditional love. Just because she did, doesn't mean she still does. When you say presumptuous things such as, "I know you still love me." after they break up with you, it freaks them out. Don't do it.

People change. Unfortunately, young relationships suffer the most from this. You're not the first, or the last to go through heartache. You'll live, move on, and one day, love again.

Once you accept her decision, things will come easier for you. After you get past that stage of thinking about her constantly, you might be able to have a normal conversation. After a couple of normal conversations, maybe then, you can try to build a friendship. But before you can do any of that, you need to lose the jealousy. It'll only hurt you, nothing more.

You can never just forget. That's not an option. You were together for 5 years. Instead, you need to branch off and keep your lives separate for a while. Don't see her, talk to her, communicate at all. (I know it sounds impossible, right?) Take down the pictures, stop listening to "your song", and don't reread her letters. Give the other fish a chance to bite!

quote:I'm more than willing to say fuck it

You know that's a lie. And that's the last thing you should do. When you say fuck it, you're giving up hope. Don't do that.. "Expect the best, prepare for the worst."

I don't think you'll WANT to get back with her once you take a little break. You need to get out of the mindset that you guys belong together. After think of yourself as "single" the break up will be easier and you'll start accepting other females in your life as a potential romance.

The next few months will be hard. You won't want anyone else. Then when you do find someone, you'll compare them to her. Then you'll think about her EVERY SINGLE DAY for a very long time. Then you'll meet someone who is better for the person you are *now* then she was for the person you were *then* and all will be well.

[This message has been edited by MrMojoRisin (edited 06-26-2004).]