My boyfriend and I will both be entering as freshmen in college this fall. At this point we have been dating six and a half months. Our colleges are three hours away from each other, so although it will be possible to see each other it will be pretty difficult what with classes, essays, and the cost of transportation to visit. I'm guessing we'll see each other once a month, twice if we can wing it.

We've both agreed to date other people, but with a limited fooling around policy until further notice. We want to keep seeing each other when we can because niether of us want to break up unless we should get serious about another person. I know, I know, its a recipe for disaster, but at this point he would marry me if he could, and I only want to go on dates with people just "to see." At this point he's the only person I can imagine "being with" and I don't take sex, or our relationship, lightly.

My question is what advice do you have for me before starting a long distance relationship? We're going to enjoy the summer, and do our best to be supportive of each other once fall rolls in. I'm already planning on being involved in teams and other social things so that my social life won't revolve around talking to him on the phone. I know going to college with a boyfriend, even when you can date other people, is something that can really hold you back, but at the same time he's my best friend and he offers me So much support. We really love each other.

We trust each other not to lie about anything, and we know that if either of us meets someone, the other needs to hear about it Before anything serious happens. Are there any other ground rules you might reccomend?

Thanks for any serious advice given.

Sea

I've seen a lot of long distance relationships fail, it's not all just a cliché.

Kiss it goodbye. I'm sorry.

Damn, y'all are pretty cold blooded. My girlfriend and I will both be entering college this fall too, but we'll only be about an hour away. I want it to work out, and I'll do everything I can to make it so. If it's meant to be, well... you know.

I'm not cold-blooded. I'm being forthright. I would hate to see her get hurt.

Walk away now.

You will spare yourself a lot of stress, and you will want to be as stress free as you can in college.

I don't hold up much hope for a long distance relationship - especially not for young people. I think it's a great age for you to be out there dating different people etc anyway - I do not understand the concept of having a boyfriend but dating other guys - that seems very strange to me ?

I think you should both keep in touch as friends date other people then who knows when you're both out of college if you still feel the same way - hook up then .

quote:Originally posted by sinlesssiren:

We've both agreed to date other people, but with a limited fooling around policy until further notice. We want to keep seeing each other when we can because niether of us want to break up unless we should get serious about another person.

So, that's guaranteed to shatter one person, and make the one who gets serious with another person feel guilty and/or burdened.

quote: I know, I know, its a recipe for disaster, but at this point he would marry me if he could...

Why can't he?

quote:I only want to go on dates with people just "to see."

quote: At this point he's the only person I can imagine "being with" and I don't take sex, or our relationship, lightly.

These two statements are contradictory. If you want to explore other possibilities, then you indeed do take your relationship lightly. As well you should. Long distance relationships rarely work, unless they began that way, oddly enough. The transition from seeing each other whenever you want, likely every day, to not seeing each other as often, is jarring.

You'll both have moments when you can't concentrate in class, when you feel you really need the intimacy and closeness of each other but can't get it, when you feel guilty for seeking solace in associating with others, when you feel "held down" by a relationship when you want to associate with others.

It's this strange head game people play with themselves, alternating between having fun experiencing new things which necessarily exclude the other, and feeling guilty for doing so, and hearing about the other's new fun, and feeling left out. I've seen it many, many times. And more often than not, it starts out with both people feeling they're exceptionally "strong" people who, unlike anyone else, can "handle" this sort of thing.

Life is full of growth and transitions, and going away to college and leaving behind old ties is one of the major ones. Don't fool yourself into thinking it's easy.

One more note: if you can drive to the other person on a daily basis without disrupting your life, then it's really not a long-distance relationship. There's a lot of difference between being an hour away, and being three hours away.

Thanks for your replies, especially cindy...

At this point I understand that this can only end up putting us both through some serious emotional turmoil. Accepted. It may very well be that a month it we decide it's lunacy and decide to just be friends during the school year and date over the summer when its workable. I don't know.

Wanting to date other people is really more of a rational than emotional thought. I know I'm young and I "should" date other people to see if the feelings I have are what I believe they are. Emotionally, I can't imagine even kissing anyone else. If a 20-some year old version of johnny depp and brad pitt combined tried to seduce me, I'd turn him down to just sit and watch rocko's modern life with my boy, nevermind anything else we do together. I know we need to start relaxing and letting go a bit or else we're really going to get hurt, but I don't think either of us are there yet.

Its a tricky game of attachment and letting go, support and being held back. We've been through some really tough stuff in the past six months, and even if one of us really hurt the other, as is guaranteed to happen, I know that we'll be able to stay friends. Knowing that helps... Alot.

As to getting married, we both agree that making that kind of decision right before we are about to be separated for the majority of the next four years probably isn't a good idea... I'm not sure how I feel about marriage anyways, naturally my father has mental health issues so my parents marriage was anything but a fairytale. If I were to marry someone though, its quite possible that it would be him. The relationship is really quite healthy. Especially considering it started in highschool. It was one of those unexpected things; I even posted a while back about my concern over allowing myself to commit, knowing that all of this was coming. Too late now, heh.

I suppose it'll just come down to some "fun" discussions before we head off to college. He's mentioned to me that just trying to make it work is important to him, even though odds are it'll fail in the first few months. So thats what we'll do, with the full knowledge of the emotional ass whooping we're about to recieve, lol...

For now I suppose I'll just enjoy the summer. Let ourselves indulge in the sappiest, mushiest, eye gazing moments we could ask for, and lots of sex... After the minute it'll take for summer to be over, we'll get together and decide how we want to handle it. Maybe no dating anyone else, maybe just being friends. I'm not sure.

Cindy, any other advice you could give would be appreciated. You seem to have a clear understanding of all the guilt and emotional bs that lies ahead. Other than breaking up now, which we all agree would probably be smart, what would you suggest?

I know it's going to be hell, but no matter what happens in the meantime, when college is all over we'll still be best friends and very likely more. I suppose having someone you trust that much is worth working and suffering for it.

Sea

quote:Originally posted by sinlesssiren:

[B]I know we need to start relaxing and letting go a bit or else we're really going to get hurt, but I don't think either of us are there yet....Its a tricky game of attachment and letting go...

You're absolutely right. As I said, don't even fool yourself into thinking it should be easy, or that you should be "strong" about it.

Note: I never actually said you two should break up.

I just laid out some information that might help you keep things in perspective. The important thing is to try to be as realistic about this as possible.

You might consider he's "the one" now, but you may not have a whole lot to compare that to, and neither does he. As I suggested, many new experiences await both of you, and your perspectives will evolve.

So, if you cut the cord now, there will be pain, regret and tears. That's kind of a bummer way to start the summer. So why not enjoy the summer, and part ways when it's time to go to school. Let each other go, maintain no expectations or obligations, but do keep in touch if you feel like it. No need to disclose every detail about what you do apart, and you might tell him he may do the same.

It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders, and he probably does, too. Parting ways can be a transition. Just be realistic, let yourself feel what you feel, define your boundaries, and do your best.

Thanks cindy. I will enjoy the summer and when it comes to it I have a better idea of how to handle the fall. Isn't all this love stuff funny?

Sea