Well. I don’t exactly know where I stand.

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend of over two years. I think we’re broken up, or almost there.

She asked me if we were okay. I told her I was scared. Scared about next year, with us going to different schools.

She left last year and that was hard enough. She was about 2 hours away. And man, that was hard.

She seems to think this year is going to be easier. I’m gonna have less money, less time, and I’ll be further away. How it’s going to be easier? I don’t know…

This is all strangely reminiscent of this time last year, when she left. I broke up with her -somewhat preemptively, I’ll admit- because I thought it’d be too damn difficult with her so far away. I dated some other hoochie, and then just after she actually left last September, we got back together for the school year. And now, I feel just as scared as I did last year.

I don’t really consider this last year a success. It was hard as hell and I had to make a lot of sacrifices. This year, I can’t make those same sacrifices, I’m not gonna be able to skip school and take a 4-day weekend just to see her. I’m not gonna be able to blow all the cash I’ve got, cause I won’t have any.

And even if we do make it through the school year, then what? There’s just another school year around the corner. How long is gonna have to be before I propose!? I’m only 18…this feels like too much commitment.

And then there is my prom date. Some of you might know what I’m talking about (I can hear Sarc’s “I told you sos” already) I’ve been spending a lot of time with her, and I find myself extremely attracted to her, but I can’t figure out if that’s tainting my brain on the other topics. She really is amazing though,…the mind of a fat girl in the body of a hot chick.

Did I mention I did this to her last summer? Yeah, that was pretty bad. My girlfriend keeps saying she doesn’t wanna go through that again. Neither do I, but I don’t know what else to do. She says even if we’re gonna have to break up in September, we might as well be together now. But what’s the point? It’d hurt just that much more. But then she says it’ll hurt less because then at least she doesn’t have to see me. Fuck, I hate this…

I wonder if I should just stay with her for the summer, just to avoid upsetting her. Do you think it’ll be easier if we just said let’s stay together until September?

Why do I get the feeling that September will become Winter Holiday break, which will become Spring Break, which will become Summer, which will become September again?

She sounds like one of those gals that has a hard time with separation and will hang on until the bitter end. Eventually you'll have to be the one to walk away, for good.

You're right, you're 18, which is too young for sacrifices and this sort of commitment.

Thank you Cindy.

The sad thing is, I don't really have very many people to turn too for advice right now. All my guy friends are idiots, that would order me a Mexican prostitute if they found out I was single. My female friends are either her friends, or friends of mine that hate her. Or my prom date... and there is an obvious conflict of interest there.

So um, thanks. Your thoughts mean a lot to me.

quote:Originally posted by deadlycindy:

You're right, you're 18, which is too young for sacrifices and this sort of commitment.

Usually, I have said it before and I will say it again, age means nothing maturity does. Also the government seems to think he is old enough to go to war and die, and more importantly kill.

^^nocuous is in Canada, and we're not talking about politics here.

I stand by my remark that 18 is too young for the type of commitment he discusses specifically. Most 18-year-olds are too young for any type of lifetime commitment, and they're too young to be sent off to war, too.

Is there really an age where you are old enough to be sent off to fight in an idiot's war, knowing you can die at any time?

No, I don't think there is.

Yeah sorry for that little rant. I am just pissed I can be sent to war and they still won't let me buy booze and do various other things, all the responsiblities of the rest of the country but not all the rights of the rest of the country.

And I stand by my statement that age is arbitary and doesn't mean much but I agree that most 18 year olds aren't ready for a lifetime commitment.

[This message has been edited by Cloaked Dagger (edited 06-16-2004).]

Well THIS 18 year old isn't ready for lifetime commitment.

If ya ain't gonna help me here, get out!

If you don't want to be with her - or are finding it too much bother , break up with her now - it's going to happen in due time anyway and she's going to be upset whether you do it now or after summer .

To tell you the truth , I would be most annoyed if someone was staying with me just because they didn't want to upset me.

You know what I just realized? I haven't been single in years!!!

I had a literal half hour of being single between my last girlfriend and this one. Before that was only like a week.

You know, if you aren't ready for a commitment, maybe you're girl is - something you should consider. If you are going out with her just so that you won't break her heart, you're not only wasting your time, but hers as well.

ModelFifteen

Dude, I do my best to stay away from ever using the words "I told you so" 'cause that line always comes back to bite you in the ass.

If you find yourself getting the warm fuzzies over another girl, it's usually a pretty good sign that you're not exactly in the right frame of mind to take on a challenging long-distance relationship.

Who knows though, you probably do... what advice would you give to yourself?

Personally, I never understood why people without a future would stick together just for togetherness' sake... if you already know you're never going to be marching down the aisle then what's the point? IMO A relationship that has a finish line in site is nothing more than a pair of fuck buddies, and if that's what you both want then a-ok.

Nocuous, the ladies mostly covered it, but perhaps you've heard me say this before: I suggest you DON'T move on your object of affection now, and do some soul-searching, especially since you haven't been single in so long, to figure out who you are (when without a woman - trust me when I say that you'll be shocked at the differences that you thought never existed), and to either figure out (if you don't know already) or reaffirm (if you do) what you're worth, why you're a great person, what's bad about you, and the value you have to a future partner, but FIRST, the value you have to your friends and to the people who love you, within the family or without. To figure out where you stand, is the point. This soul-searching takes TIME, though, man, and time single. I know you might be lonely and might be wanting someone again, but try to refrain: Just continue your life, and all the knowledge and wisdom out there, in whatever form (a song that makes you reflect on what went wrong and figure something out, one of those "just because" hindsight glimpses that makes you say "damn, what was I doing?", etc) will come to you. Note that some of these pearls of wisdom won't all be so direct - it might be that something said or something you suddenly realize might just be a catalyst, to get you to find an answer within or to find a path. I can't explain it, and I know I sound like some transcendentalist fuckup, but I'm not: I'm actually a pretty practical person. Note that even if you do know what you have to offer, take some time anyway, to be single and clear the head. Right now, comparisons to your ex and dissatisfaction and discomfort would be inexorable in a new relationship, and might hurt you even worse.

What I'm saying is, spend some time without love to remember what it's like and see the good in it, and to figure out what you WANT, too. Spend time with friends, and IF you can do it without falling in love, spend time with a female friend too - she will give you perspective, and women are the mothers of man: Man is the practical protector/guide/force/strength, but woman is love, nurturing, guidance (a different sort); man cannot exist without woman, and vice versa. She'll console you if you need it, she'll lend you a necessary viewpoint, she'll be there for you to talk to and be honest with without being called a pussy or given well-meaning but inexperienced advice from your male brethren.

Make no mistake - your guys mean a lot, and will help you remember what chickless life is, will be there to slap you on the back and say "you always have us, man", to just be a guy with.

Basically, just give yourself some time and don't rush, and remember the other aspects of life, and be open to knowledge, classic 20/20 hindsight, to admit fault if needed, to be strong. I think you already know what happened to me, but if you want me to relate some of my actual experience and how I'm slowly healing from it (minus drugs; speaking of which, DON'T TOUCH, not like I did), and what helped me. Just let me know, and I will; mail me too if you like, the mail's in my profile.

If you choose to wait awhile, and your object of affection wonders, be honest with her: Tell her what you're doing and why. If she's an understanding person who is worth your time, she'll let it be and she'll be interested in YOUR well-being, not hers.

I'm not sure how much you're hurting or how lost you may or may not feel, and I realize your situation differs from mind, but some of what worked for me might be relevant to you, even though you're completely different than I am, and likely more emotionally stable, but everybody hurts sometimes,(I hate REM.)everyone loses the way sometimes (not that you did). I hope I could help you; I'm seriously trying, and I want you to know I don't hate you or have any problems with you; I just spar with you in those threads sometimes or whatnot, but I do respect you and I do want you to be "cool", you know?

Whatever you do, whatever happens, I hope it all works out for you. It always will; one just never knows when or how.

"The heavens fall, but still we crawl - all I've undergone, I will keep on." Keep on, man, keep on.

And listen to music, too, speaking of which. It can help a surprising amount.

-Infrared



[This message has been edited by Infrared (edited 06-16-2004).]

^^^Great advice. Nocuous, take heed.

quote:Originally posted by nocuous:

You know what I just realized? I haven't been single in years!!!...

That's how I felt after my ex-ex and I broke up. We had been together for a year and two months and it was really weird and exiting to be single again; but then it turned shitty because I didn't really know how to be single any more...hope you're prepared.

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

...Personally, I never understood why people without a future would stick together just for togetherness' sake... if you already know you're never going to be marching down the aisle then what's the point?...

I completely agree. That's why I just let things go as they may. Will I marry her? will we break up in a week? I have no idea and I'm not giong to worry about it. I am just going to concentrate on enriching my relationship and making it as fufiling as possible.

Well thank you for the advice everyone. Especially Infrared, I think some soul searching is really in order here.

But all I can think about right now is what I'm doing to her. If we go through with this I'll be taking a lot away from her. My friends are her friends and her friends are my friends, and I know how difficult it would be for us to see eather other. She would back down and end up just sitting at home.

Would it really be all that horrible if we just agreed to stay together until we go away for University? It'd be an easier break up for the both of us, and couldn't I just as easily start my sould searching then?

Nocuous, I have but one small bit of advice:

Worry about today, not tommorow. If you love the girl then damd all the stereotyping and judgements that you "believe" may happen as a result of school. Shes your girlfriend and she wouldn't be with you if she didn't love you, so its not a matter of hurting her its a matter of assesing what you want.

Is she worth the love? Because if so, isn't she worth it to crawl through 30 miles of shit just to see her (I know Im being idealistic, but its true)?

The sad truth is she may not be the person you want to spend your life with, but maybe she is. You have to do what you want to do now, even if its deciding to put off that question for a few more years. I think you're setting yourself up for a a long hike, and you don't even know if you're on the path! Take one day at a time, when important things come up then deal with them, because lets face it; you are young and nothing is certain now. You don't have to mary this girl just because you love her, its your choice to do so when you choose to. You don't have to break up with her to spare her from being hurt from something you don't even know is going to happen. Its like cutting of your hand just because you think you might lose it in a car accident today.

Whatever you do, just make sure you are sure of it. It sounds like dumb advice, but its the most relevant in every situation.

[This message has been edited by TerraSanctus (edited 06-18-2004).]

After thinking this over..



I'd say you wait until September to break up, but make it a good breakup. explain its because you're going off to different schools and it would be very difficult to maintian the relationship because of a lack of time and cash. that way, you're single and you can find what you want. HOWEVER, fi you decide that she really WAS teh one for you, its not lik ethe typical dumping scenario, where she hatesyou forever. you could probably get her back.

my $0.02