Ok. So here's the deal. My friend Lisa asked me to prom. She had a date, but he dropped her and she had already paid for the ticket and she just doesn't want to be there alone.

The problem is I have a girlfriend. Lisa knows this, and she’s ok with it, she just wants to go as friends. But my girlfriend isn’t too cool with the whole thing. She’s already graduated, and I took her to her prom last year. I don’t like shit like proms, but I did it to make her happy.

Now, I’d really like to go with Lisa -just as friends- but it isn’t exactly ok with my girlfriend.

See there’s another problem. Shortly after prom last year I broke up with my girlfriend because she was going to University, and I didn’t think it’d work. We got back together shortly into the beginning of the school year, but during the summer I dated a girl not unlike Lisa behind her back. I finally told her when we got back together, but it’s something that has always bothered my girlfriend.

It’s not just that I dated someone else, it’s who I dated. This girl was very thin and blonde and pretty, the kind of girl other girl love to hate. Lisa is a lot like that too.

It very much bothers my girlfriend that I’d go to prom with Lisa but not her. I tried explaining that it’s because I’d only be doing it as a favor and I wouldn’t have to pay, but it didn’t make her feel much better.

I need to know how to help my girlfriend feel comfortable with me going out with a friend. She’s insanely jealous as it is, and I didn’t help by dating her arch enemy for two months without telling her.

I know I sound kind of spineless and I’m sure I’ll take some flak for it, but before any of you run your mouths off let me ask you this- When you were in high school, how many girls were competing for you to take them to prom?

quite a hard issue because theres no right thing to do just off the top of anyones head.. i mean everybody is different.

What you should do man is just explain to ur girlfriend that you dont have any feelings for this girl and are just going wit her because you dont want to let a friend down..

on the other hand if shes a jealous type

you should explain to your friend that you care alot for ur girlfriend and dont want to upset her and that you are truly sorry that you cant go with her..

or be a pimp n take both of them

How 'bout we resolve this whole matter with you coming down to see me that weekend. Tell your GF and Lisa you're visiting a long-lost, erm "aunt". Bring the bass and wear the Ramones shirt.

No? Ok, I gave it a shot.

On to your problem. I suspect what you'll see in this thread is a debate about jealous girlfriends. There isn't a way to make your gf okay with you attending the prom with Lisa. You either have to defy her and deal with the consequences, or not go.

Hate to sound like an old lady, but having an exclusive gf is a bit like having a spouse. There are just certain things you can't do if you're to respect her wishes. No one is forcing you to have a gf; it is your choice. You may break up with her and tell her you'd like to date her but not be committed to her so that you're free to do things like attend the prom with an attractive female friend.

Women with a jealous streak see such an event as a doorway to possiblities, such as you getting together with Lisa. Even though you don't imagine that happening, it is a possibility.

I have friends, and I wouldn't dream of putting a real friend in a position that would make his romantic relationship awkward. To do so would be incredibly selfish of me. But people are different.

Very well said Cindy.

Your girlfriend isn't just going to get over the fact that she is jealous. If you do go against her wishes be ready for the consequences. Good luck Noc, I wish I could tell you something better.

I would say you should try to explain things to the girlfriend, but it doesnt' sound like that would work. If I were you, I would put my foot down and say that a friend is a friend and you're going. Her jealousy is her issue. She could decide to be jealous of totse if she wanted. You can't flip a bitch over everything and she has to realize that.

It seems that I'm a bit jealous, not because of insecurity, but because I know what I want, what I deserve, and I don't feel I should take any less than that from a guy. If a fella just expects me to buck up and accept something that I don't like (for VERY valid reasons) then he can fuck off. I won't tolerate anyone who doesn't respect me enough to meet my expectations. The reason I am so demanding is because my expectations are VERY reasonable, and I am willing to follow my own rules. Another reason is because I can recognize a rational fear and an irrational fear and the differences between the two nearly 99% of the time. I don't expect a guy to just go along and accept my irrational, insecurity-based fears, I keep those to myself because I know how silly they are.

I don't care who she is, how pretty, how ugly, how kind, how bitchy, it just doesn't matter. If our reationship is exclusive then he isn't going on a date with anyone else, and neither am I. If he doesn't like that then he's not worth my time, I'll move on and find someone who will give me the respect I deserve.

Now, if your relationship with your GF isn't exclusive, if she also goes out on fancy dates with other guys, then tell her "tough titty" because there's no reason why you shouldnt be able to do the same.

If your relationship with your girlfriend is exclusive, but you don't like it that way then get out of the relationship, you're wasting her time because you will probably never give her what she wants.

PS: Lisa is a CUNT for not approaching your girlfriend FIRST to make sure she was comfortable with the idea. That is a complete slap in your girlfriend's face and I wouldn't blame her one bit for holding it against ole Lisa.

And to anyone who suggests that I am a controlling manipulative power-hungry bitch: get a life. Like I said if a guy wasn't interested in exclusivity then I'd walk away and give him his complete freedom. I enjoy being single faaaaar to much to stay in a relationship that doesn't satisfy me. It's his choice whether or not I'm worth his exclusive affection.

[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 05-18-2004).]

Sarc, the point isn't that he wants to date another girl. Obviously no girlfriend would be okay with that. He wants to go with her as a friend. In other words: not a date, not sexual, nothing to be jealous of. Do you let your guy hang out with his friends?

Ahh... I love you totse. No wait, I love totse women.

First of all, Sarc- Lisa didn't actually ask me. Her best friend asked on behalf of her without Lisa's knowledge because Lisa respects my relationship to much to even ask despite wanting to go with me. I didn't mention it before because it's irrelevant. Oh, and Lisa doesn’t know my girlfriend in vice versa on account of being a year apart.

And when it comes down to it, I'm really just going to a school function with a friend. I mean, if you take away the labels like "prom" and "date" it all seems pretty innocuous, doesn't it? (No pun intended) It's not like Lisa is going to be the only one of my friends there or anything. (Picture yourself as my girlfriend…how convincing is this argument?)



[This message has been edited by nocuous (edited 05-18-2004).]

Don't you guys have parties after the prom? Maybe you could invite your girlfriend along to it if there is one... that way when you're out of the formal setting, you can let "Lisa", find a guy for herself in a more intimate way while you spend time with your girlfriend, that would help show her additionally, where your affections lie and how the formal arrangement was just an arrangement rather than a date.

Personally, I don't see a problem with you going with the friend, as it ain't really a date, you're just helping a (good?)friend not feel unwanted and unhappy during a night that some girls get all prissy about.

It's an insecurity and unnecessary lack of trust, on your girlfriend's part, that she would probably need to get over if you are ever going to "advance", the relationship.

Obviously your GF has an issue with you going to the prom with someone, friends or not, real or imagined doesn't make any difference. You are the only one that can decide which is more important, relieving your GF's jealousy by not going, or putting her feelings on the back burner because your friendship with 'prom girl' is more important.

Tough choice my Canuck friend but if you want my advice, and assuming I love your girlfriend, I'd explain to 'prom girl' just the way it is, love to go but my GF is uncomfortable with it I I respect her feelings... after all, she is my GF.

Not convincing enough.

Innocent as it may seem to you, me, the rest of the world, it's still quite insulting to your girly if what she expects is exclusivity. If she expects too much then let tha biotch know bro!

I know it probably makes you feel pretty badass being wanted by 2 girls but it should be enough for you to say to yourself "yep yep, I'm a stud" and kindly decline your buddy's invitation for the sake of your girlfriend's feelings.

If Lisa is as pretty as you say then I'm sure she'll have no problem finding a real date to prom, in which case, if you went, essentially you would be taking a bit of the fun out of prom for Lisa because she wouldn't be with someone she could get freaky with at the end of the night.

Ok, I'm coming out of my lurkingness to help you out nocuous, although I doubt I'll be very helpful.

Have a little chat with your girlfriend about her jealousy issues. Does she have low self esteem? Does she have actualy reasons to be jealous, as in you would possibly cheat on her? Is she just a psycho bitch who happens to be a good lay, and that's why you're still with her? Anyway... discuss the whole thing with her, and make her see that it's really not a big deal. Although, put yourself in her shoes for a minute. If the situation was reversed, what would your reaction be? Would you be worried? Jealous? Not care at all? You've probably thought through all that, but just in case.

Hmm, what else can I say... aah yes. Is your girlfriend rather controlling? If she is, and she decides that she "doesn't want to let you go" just go anyway. Show her that she can't control you, that you're not her little toy.

I know a lot of this sounds pretty cold and harsh, but there are sooo many girls out there who are all delicate and emotional because noone has ever been straight with them. They've always been treated like pathetic little flowers who would topple right over if something bad was said to them. Drives me insane... but anyway, I believe I've done enough ranting, and not much helping, so I think I'll just stop now, while I'm... not ahead? Yeah... yeah.

Look, if this chick won't let you go hang out with your friend, she is insanely jealous and kind of creepy. If you wanted to go watch movies at a (male) friend's house, would she let you go? It's the same situation. If she doesn't get that, your relationship could be in a bad place

I'm with Glitter on this one. Your girlfriend is being uber clingy.

My ex was a bit like that. When I went to the Homecoming dance alone she was barely able to bring herself to let me go and when I got back she was crying and whatnot. Laaaaaaame.

Sarc is right in that you both have your boundaries and that is that; but it seems like this is one boundary that you just don't see fit (and neither do I for that matter).

If your girlfriend can't trust you (and it is you that she can't trust) then maybe it would be a good idea to draw the line and tell her that she doesn't choose who your friends are.

Personally, I don't think that you guys should be going out in the first place. Sounds like that chick has some baggage.

Sarc and pathogen said it best.

People enter into relationships before they're ready to be in them. If you're not prepared to honor commitments, then you shouldn't make them. Certain things should be enjoyed only between the two people involved in a relationship, and a fanciful date is one of them. Assuming the gf has a good reason for not being comfortable in this situation, and assuming she doesn't otherwise dictate how he spends his free time, I don't think her concerns are unreasonable.

A basic rule of thumb in "relationship propriety" issues is this: if you have to question whether you should or shouldn't, you probably shouldn't.

Remember, being in a relationship is a choice, and not being in one is also a choice.

You've got to weigh out which relationship you value more, Lisa's, or your girlfriend's? You sound like you've tried to reason with your girlfriend, and she just doesn't get that you're going as friends with Lisa. Also, if you dropped the date with Lisa now, she'd most likely not be able to get a date in time, correct?

Oh well, good luck with it.

Ok, say I'm dating a nice fella, we'll name him Joe. Joe is a stud, the ladies like Joe... this doesn't bother me one bit because Joe and I have a mutual understanding that we are exclusive.

Under this broad category of "exclusive" there are sub-categories, things that Joe and I agree are limited to our relationship: Sex & kisses, intimate physical contact, dates, long walks on the beach... blah blah blah. Those things belong to Joe and I under our mutual understanding of the relationship.

If ole Joe wants to meet up with his pal Lovely Rita for lunch, no problem... he wants to catch a movie with Bob, Cindy and JoAnn when I have to work late, wants to play pool with Jane while I'm visiting friends... I won't bat an eye.

If Joe wants to get dressed up and go as his friend's date to an organized function like prom then Joe is going to come home and find that his keys no longer open my front door.

Sure you can call it something else, you can call it "hanging out" you can call it "jus' chillin'" if you like... you can call a Siberian Tiger "Kitty" if you like, but it's not going to stop it from tearing you limb from limb.